An Open Letter to Lounge Couples
03/05/09 02:06 PM Filed in: Indiscriminate
A disturbing trend
seems to be on the rise at Cedarville University:
Awkward Lounge Couples. I’m not talking about couples
that find themselves in a particular lounge with a
few friends just hanging out, I’m talking about
Awkward Lounge Couples. Some of you may not
find this that unusual, but I, because these Couples
can really only be found at Cedarville. You know who
you are, Couples.
You’re a disturbance to us all. We can’t concentrate with your awkward presence, gazing into each others eyes, making strange (and apparently romantic) cooing sounds at each other, and talking in that weird I-totally-like-you voice. You know, I’m a fan of relationships and couples and marriage, but you’re doing it all wrong. I’m not expert on relationships, but I’m pretty sure if you disturb everyone around you, you’re doing something wrong.1
See, it’s frustrating when a group of friends come into an area that has more than enough lounge room only to find a couple (that’s two) taking up an entire couch (made for ten) watching a movie or just sitting awkwardly close, cuddling and talking in that weird voice. Sure, there’s one or two other couches we could pull together to hang out, but we don’t want to do that for two reasons: first of all, it would be rude to you. Since there’s ten of us and only two of you, we would probably dominate the noise level in the area and scare you away.2 It would make us happy to do so, but it would also leave us feeling a little rude. Second, if we didn’t end up dominating you out of the area, it would be incredibly awkward for us, even if we tried our best to ignore you.3
The problem with Cedarville University isn’t that it doesn’t have enough lounges. On the contrary, the school has more than enough lounges for people to study in/play games in/watch movies in if people would use them appropriately. The problem lies with the Awkward Couples that take up more than half of the lounges.4
Since I know this is probably a shocking revelation to you, finding out that the majority of the school can’t stand you, and since I’m also sure you have no idea how to correct this problem, I’ve provided some less-than-appealing (to you, not us. Though, trust me, they’re good for you.) suggestions for you to keep our lounges friendly to all ages.
Those are just a few free alternatives. If you start spending money, the possibilities become endless, and we couldn’t be happier if you left campus.
All footnotes are courtesy of Jenna M. Woestman, the blogger responsible for most of the content at jennawoestman.com and who is an actual married woman.
1. So true. I concur, and since I’m married this makes me a marriage expert.
2. Which might not be a bad idea.
3. Creepy Couples are real unhealthy, not to mention totally creepy.
4. One time when I visited Cedarville, I saw like ten Lounge Couples in the DMC or whatever that place is called. TEN. That’s uncalled for.
5. I recommend leaving a Bible in between the two of you because it’s at least six inches wide and will pretty much always remind you to leave room for Jesus. My grandparents did this in college, and they actually have a picture of themselves standing outside a building with a Bible in between them. It’s pretty amazing, so you should follow their example.
6. Also, if you actually do wind up getting married, you may discover you don’t like this person much, that they mostly make you want to poke your eye out, because YOU NEVER TALKED TO THEM WHILE YOU WERE DATING.
7. Ew, sick.
8. Unless if Vikings overrun Cedarville, in which case you’re in trouble anyway.
9. I tried staring at Joey deeply into his eyes at our wedding…but since we never did it before then much it was kinda weird and sort of creepy. Plus he kept making slightly odd faces and telling me to “shhh” because I was trying to talk to him while Sister and Brother were singing, even though Pastor Steve had said we could talk if we wanted. (I’m pretty sure this will be a bone of contention until our dying day. He swears Pastor Steve didn’t say that, I say he did.) Anyways, all that to say you don’t have to stare creepily into one another’s eyes in order to get married.
10. Plus, if you ditch out on all your friends who will you have be your bridesmaids and groomsmen? You can’t just hire people for that job, it’s best if they’re friends. And if you have a ton of siblings and were planning on just picking them, that’s a total cop-out. You still do need friends. Trust me.
You’re a disturbance to us all. We can’t concentrate with your awkward presence, gazing into each others eyes, making strange (and apparently romantic) cooing sounds at each other, and talking in that weird I-totally-like-you voice. You know, I’m a fan of relationships and couples and marriage, but you’re doing it all wrong. I’m not expert on relationships, but I’m pretty sure if you disturb everyone around you, you’re doing something wrong.1
See, it’s frustrating when a group of friends come into an area that has more than enough lounge room only to find a couple (that’s two) taking up an entire couch (made for ten) watching a movie or just sitting awkwardly close, cuddling and talking in that weird voice. Sure, there’s one or two other couches we could pull together to hang out, but we don’t want to do that for two reasons: first of all, it would be rude to you. Since there’s ten of us and only two of you, we would probably dominate the noise level in the area and scare you away.2 It would make us happy to do so, but it would also leave us feeling a little rude. Second, if we didn’t end up dominating you out of the area, it would be incredibly awkward for us, even if we tried our best to ignore you.3
The problem with Cedarville University isn’t that it doesn’t have enough lounges. On the contrary, the school has more than enough lounges for people to study in/play games in/watch movies in if people would use them appropriately. The problem lies with the Awkward Couples that take up more than half of the lounges.4
Since I know this is probably a shocking revelation to you, finding out that the majority of the school can’t stand you, and since I’m also sure you have no idea how to correct this problem, I’ve provided some less-than-appealing (to you, not us. Though, trust me, they’re good for you.) suggestions for you to keep our lounges friendly to all ages.
- Leave room for Jesus. Really, you don’t need to be practically on top of each other. I know, you think that you’re so awkwardly close that no RA would dare confront you on the matter because it would be more awkward for the RA than it would be for you two. But use some discretion here. This isn’t some Biblical principle I’m calling you out on, it just seems like common sense to me. Is it really healthy for you two to be that close? I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with holding hands or even putting your arm (not to be confused with arms, the plural form) around your significant other. But here’s a good rule to abide by: if someone may be caused discomfort by what you’re doing, it’s probably not appropriate for a lounge.5
- Stop watching movies. I understand that Cedarville is a small campus in a small town that doesn’t provide a whole lot for entertainment, but there are other sources with which you may waste your time other than movies. For instance, how about actually talking to each other? Perhaps you could play a game. Anything, really, but watching movies all the time. Answer me this: how will you feel someday when your children ask you, “Mom, Dad, what did you two do in college to get to know each other before you got married?” and you’re forced to answer, “Nothing. Really—Nothing. Only the mindless, non-interactive activity of movie watching.”6
- Stop staring at each other. Don’t worry. They won’t disappear if you look away. And those blue eyes will always be there.7 Nobody’s going to gouge them out of her.8 And if someone is, you probably have more important things to be thinking about so, again, stop staring at each other and contact the authorities. Anyway, you’ve decided to not watch movies, which is good, but instead you spend your time staring awkwardly into each other’s eyes. I suppose there is a time and a place for this because some people do have magnificent eyes (take Kylee for example. I stare into her Baby Blues regularly, but I don’t think I weird anybody out by doing it…I mean, everybody loves her eyes), but it’s not in a lounge making everyone around you feel uncomfortable.9
- Hang out with other people. Turns out that when you become a couple with someone, the rest of your friends don’t drop off the planet. It’s true. We actually still want to hang out with you guys (so long as you’re not being disgusting and/or awkward). I hate it be the bearer of bad news, but not all relationships work out, especially those premature and immature ones that are basically built on you two sitting on each other. I’m not saying you’re going to break up, but there’s always that possibility. If that happens and you ditched all your friends when you met your Fancy, who do you have to fall back on? Look, even if you’re not going to break up and you’re quite sure you’re going to get married someday, you’re not off the hook; that’s still not healthy. You need friendships even after marriage (I know, it’s hard to believe).10
Those are just a few free alternatives. If you start spending money, the possibilities become endless, and we couldn’t be happier if you left campus.
All footnotes are courtesy of Jenna M. Woestman, the blogger responsible for most of the content at jennawoestman.com and who is an actual married woman.
1. So true. I concur, and since I’m married this makes me a marriage expert.
2. Which might not be a bad idea.
3. Creepy Couples are real unhealthy, not to mention totally creepy.
4. One time when I visited Cedarville, I saw like ten Lounge Couples in the DMC or whatever that place is called. TEN. That’s uncalled for.
5. I recommend leaving a Bible in between the two of you because it’s at least six inches wide and will pretty much always remind you to leave room for Jesus. My grandparents did this in college, and they actually have a picture of themselves standing outside a building with a Bible in between them. It’s pretty amazing, so you should follow their example.
6. Also, if you actually do wind up getting married, you may discover you don’t like this person much, that they mostly make you want to poke your eye out, because YOU NEVER TALKED TO THEM WHILE YOU WERE DATING.
7. Ew, sick.
8. Unless if Vikings overrun Cedarville, in which case you’re in trouble anyway.
9. I tried staring at Joey deeply into his eyes at our wedding…but since we never did it before then much it was kinda weird and sort of creepy. Plus he kept making slightly odd faces and telling me to “shhh” because I was trying to talk to him while Sister and Brother were singing, even though Pastor Steve had said we could talk if we wanted. (I’m pretty sure this will be a bone of contention until our dying day. He swears Pastor Steve didn’t say that, I say he did.) Anyways, all that to say you don’t have to stare creepily into one another’s eyes in order to get married.
10. Plus, if you ditch out on all your friends who will you have be your bridesmaids and groomsmen? You can’t just hire people for that job, it’s best if they’re friends. And if you have a ton of siblings and were planning on just picking them, that’s a total cop-out. You still do need friends. Trust me.