Dec 2008
Sitting in Traffic
12/24/08 04:02 AM Filed in: Stories
Yes, I am writing a
blog post at 3am. What are you going to do about it?
Apparently nothing, and apparently I can do nothing
about it either. Well, I guess I could just not write
it, but that wouldn’t help the fact that I’m still
stuck awake at this hour. Since I just finished
reading Fight Club
again, and I’ve already
exhausted much of my other reading for this trip, it
seems the only thing I really have left to do is
write.
This has been the longest trip to Indiana I’ve ever participated in. In fact, in the time I’ve been in the car, I could have now almost gone to and back from my grandparent’s house (in optimal weather conditions, of course). That’s right, I’m approaching coming up on being in the car for twelve hours. For a six hour trip.
We left knowing there were adverse weather conditions, but honestly they weren’t that bad. A little ice here, a little show there. No problem. We just took our time. There were times we went twenty-five, there were times we went sixty-five. I’m not sure we ever fully went the speed limit, but we went fast enough at least.
All those cars with their lights flashing. Why are your Hazard Lights flashing? It seems every three or four cars there would be another that had their Hazards turned on. Attention Everyone: Your hazard lights are to alert the traffic around you that, yes, you are indeed doing something out of the norm. When everyone around is going twenty-five due to slushy and unpleasant road conditions, your Hazards are only a nuisance. On top of that, you have to keep in mind people can’t tell when your break lights are on or if you’re switching lanes when you leave your Hazard lights on.
Highway 32 goes between Lebanon and Crawfordsville, Indiana, essentially connecting I-72 to I-465. I-465 is the bypass that goes around Indianapolis. My grandparent’s live in Carmel, on the North side. The interstate East of Champagne, Illinois was fine; slushy, but not too icy. Highway 32, on the other hand, was not fine. It was a perfect glaze of ice. We were on it for only a few minutes before retreating back to the interstate to take the long way to I-465 (continuing on I-72 toward downtown Indianapolis).
Apparently the long was a bad choice as well. That’s where we’re stuck right now, and have been for well over an hour and a half. I think it was around midnight, actually, that traffic just stopped moving. Now we’ve had snow plows, Highway Patrol vehicles, and the like all pass us on the shoulder, but the traffic remains at a stand still. Maybe the road ahead is super icy, so they’ve closed it. Maybe there was some atrocious accident that they, for one reason or another, just can’t get cleaned up. I’m not really sure. Nobody’s told us, that’s for sure, and the issue with it being such an ungodly hour of the morning is that nobody on the radio is reporting anything about anything.
So we’re stuck. Without knowledge. Without food. Without water. Oh, and I am very thirsty, I might add. You know, being stuck like this isn’t even the worst part. The worst part is that I have to go to the bathroom!
This has been the longest trip to Indiana I’ve ever participated in. In fact, in the time I’ve been in the car, I could have now almost gone to and back from my grandparent’s house (in optimal weather conditions, of course). That’s right, I’m approaching coming up on being in the car for twelve hours. For a six hour trip.
We left knowing there were adverse weather conditions, but honestly they weren’t that bad. A little ice here, a little show there. No problem. We just took our time. There were times we went twenty-five, there were times we went sixty-five. I’m not sure we ever fully went the speed limit, but we went fast enough at least.
All those cars with their lights flashing. Why are your Hazard Lights flashing? It seems every three or four cars there would be another that had their Hazards turned on. Attention Everyone: Your hazard lights are to alert the traffic around you that, yes, you are indeed doing something out of the norm. When everyone around is going twenty-five due to slushy and unpleasant road conditions, your Hazards are only a nuisance. On top of that, you have to keep in mind people can’t tell when your break lights are on or if you’re switching lanes when you leave your Hazard lights on.
Highway 32 goes between Lebanon and Crawfordsville, Indiana, essentially connecting I-72 to I-465. I-465 is the bypass that goes around Indianapolis. My grandparent’s live in Carmel, on the North side. The interstate East of Champagne, Illinois was fine; slushy, but not too icy. Highway 32, on the other hand, was not fine. It was a perfect glaze of ice. We were on it for only a few minutes before retreating back to the interstate to take the long way to I-465 (continuing on I-72 toward downtown Indianapolis).
Apparently the long was a bad choice as well. That’s where we’re stuck right now, and have been for well over an hour and a half. I think it was around midnight, actually, that traffic just stopped moving. Now we’ve had snow plows, Highway Patrol vehicles, and the like all pass us on the shoulder, but the traffic remains at a stand still. Maybe the road ahead is super icy, so they’ve closed it. Maybe there was some atrocious accident that they, for one reason or another, just can’t get cleaned up. I’m not really sure. Nobody’s told us, that’s for sure, and the issue with it being such an ungodly hour of the morning is that nobody on the radio is reporting anything about anything.
So we’re stuck. Without knowledge. Without food. Without water. Oh, and I am very thirsty, I might add. You know, being stuck like this isn’t even the worst part. The worst part is that I have to go to the bathroom!
|
Girlfriend Potential Test
12/23/08 02:06 PM Filed in: Indiscriminate
In recent months, I’ve
had droves of attractive ladies ask me, “Alex, how
can I become your girlfriend?” Due to my extreme
popularity, I haven’t had time to give any of them a
proper answer up until now. But now I have the
answer. The following is the Girlfriend Potential
Test. You must receive an adequate score on this exam
in order to be considered Girlfriend Potential.
“Adequate” is decided by myself and, of course, my
sister, Jenna, who has protective custody over my
relationship status. This exam has been adapted from
several tests I’ve seen scattered around the
internet, but it is mostly the creation of myself and
Jenna.
Overview and Instructions
The following exam will be administered to all females that are interested in the pursuit of a relationship with one Alex Laird of Cedarville University in Ohio. Only those exams completed by a female in under the alloted fifty-minute time limit will be reviewed. You will be graded on grammar, spelling, creativity, the ability to construct a proper sentence, and lastly your overall appearance. Please submit all answers via email in a text document as an attachment to both alexdlaird@gmail.com and jenna.woestman@gmail.com. Be sure to mark the email as Urgent and put “'Student’s Name' - Girlfriend Potential Test” in the subject line, replacing 'Student’s Name' with your actual name. Include a decent, personal photograph with a minimum resolution of 800x600. Please ensure that your name, number, state of residence, and most recent IQ score are displayed prominently in the upper right-hand corner of the paper. When submitting the completed exam, each question should be copied and pasted with your answer promptly following it.
Please keep in mind that this is not a job application. However, your performance on this exam will very accurately portray your cleverness and most likely your ability to succeed when put in a real work environment. I reserve the right to submit your exam results to any future employer as either a recommendation of your abilities or in jest to show them what you aren’t capable of.
You have fifty minutes to complete this test. Your time starts now.
Section One: Multiple Choice (Answer All, 30 Points)
1.) Finish this lyric. “Apple bottom jeans ...”
A.) With the fur. The whole club was looking at her.
B.) Make me look, like, real hot.
C.) OMG I love that song!
D.) Heaven preserve us ... I’m not finishing that lyric. Do you realize Flo Rida’s name is just Florida with a space dropped in randomly?
2.) I’m going to college:
A.) To get my M-R-S degree.
B.) So I can get a good education and make a difference in the world someday.
C.) Because my parents are paying for it, so why not? I don’t actually plan on applying myself at all.
D.) Because I figured it was better than working at McDonald’s.
E.) ... Wait. I’m not going to college, actually.
3.) We’ve talked every night for several hours (not including the Dinner and a movie we had on Saturday, or the Monday night that I came over and we baked cookies), with conversation time averaging about an hour per night. On a Thursday night, when on a deadline, I express a need to get off the phone so I can finish some work and get to bed at a reasonable hour. You:
A.) Take this as a sign that I’m abandoning you, begin to point out all my flaws and that I clearly have commitment issues, and then cry.
B.) Say goodbye, but manage to do it with such menace and venom that I stay on the phone for another three silent hours, broken only occasionally by fits of gentle weeping and muttered curses.
C.) Say goodbye, but then immediately embark on another conversation entirely, discussing it as thoroughly as is scientifically, legally, or religiously possible so I can’t get a word in edge-wise.
D.) Express your feelings of devotion in three words or less, then quickly say goodbye after confirming plans for tomorrow night are still on.
4.) We’re having a fight. You:
A.) Use my past stupidities against me, even though they are completely irrelevant, I’ve apologized for them, and you said you had forgiven me several months prior.
B.) Give me space when the discussion gets too heated for rational thought, and redress your complaints in a calm manner when we’ve both had a chance to cool down.
C.) Flip me The Bird.
D.) Realize the fight is about nothing, so you begin creating fictional problems and making wild accusations about my obsession with material goods and having a wandering eye.
E.) Both c and d.
5.) I’m going out on a Friday night to hang with a bunch of my buddies. You:
A.) Immediately assume there will be female buddies there as well, that I’m in love with one of them, and become irrationally jealous. You never verbalize this too me, so I’m only lost as you stomp around my apartment and give me the cold shoulder.
B.) See this as a great opportunity to get some things done without me around.
C.) See this as a sign that you are probably just a casual thing that I could toss aside at any given moment, despite the fact that we’ve hung out the last seven evenings and I’ve still somehow managed to write you letters every other day this week.
D.) Ask if you can come along.
E.) Invite yourself and a bunch of your girlfriends along without asking my permission.
F.) Have a girls night. Hanging out with boys all the time isn’t good for anyone.
G.) Both b and f.
6.) In order to attract a male, you would:
A.) Act like a complete ditz. Guys love ditzy girls!
B.) Act superior and arrogant. Guys love it when they’re inferior to a woman.
C.) Act like yourself. Guys love it when a girl is genuine and they don’t have to figure out who she really is after they’ve already fallen for whatever show she put on when they first met.
D.) Wear the least amount of fabric as is legally possible. Guys love seductive girls.
7.) You would date a guy because:
A.) He was extremely attractive. (Hint: This is the wrong answer. God made girls to be attractive, not guys.)
B.) He’s smart!
C.) He’ll probably be rich someday, or he is rich currently.
D.) He was manipulative and somehow managed to convince you that you were in love with him ... So I guess you’re supposed to date?
E.) You had compatible personalities, were able to resolve misunderstandings without the obligatory fist fights, and you found yourself quite smitten with who he was.
8.) You buy clothes based on:
A.) Seventeen Magazine’s top picks.
B.) What’s cute and comfortable and doesn’t look like the sewing machine ran out of thread when it reached your midriff.
C.) Whatever’s newest at Abercrombie.
D.) Nothing. My mom makes them for me.
9.) You’re going clothes shopping, and the only option you have is to take me with you. You:
A.) Ignore the fact that I’m completely and hopelessly bored out of my mind, asking me repeatedly with every outfit you try on, “Does this make me look fat?”
B.) Come up with a creative game plan to help me enjoy shopping with you, keeping in mind that my retail-oriented attention span is about twelve minutes and that I am prone to wandering after flashing lights and shiny things.
C.) Attempt to keep the shopping experience as short as possible, getting only what you absolutely need and trying things on only the minimum number of times (in my opinion, not yours).
D.) Both b and c.
E.) Spontaneously add stores to the list every time we’re about to approach the “almost done” mark. These stores were not discussed prior to leaving the apartment.
10.) Assuming things without asking me to confirm them, and/or making wild and negative accusations off of single statements I make (probably sarcastic statements, at that), and/or putting words in my mouth, and/or twisting words I have previously said to make them sound derogatory:
A.) Are all necessary to a healthy relationship and help spur constructive criticism and beneficial arguments.
B.) Are expected and rational things to do, especially when you feel cornered or as if you may be losing an argument.
C.) May be good or bad, depending on your current mood, how your week has been going, and whether I asked you about your current mood and how your week has been going.
D.) Are all completely inappropriate and should never be done under any circumstances. Rational thought is required in every conversation, whether an argument or just casual.
Section Two: True or False (Answer All, 30 Points)
Answer true or false for the following fifteen questions. If you answer false, correct the statement to make it true.
1.) Wearing a skirt overtop a pair of pants is an attractive and fashionable choice.
2.) Learning to interpret body language and communication cues is important.
3.) Arguments are vital to any good relationship.
4.) Discussions are vital to any good relationship.
5.) Arguments and discussions are the same thing.
6.) Your cat is very intuitive--probably as intuitive, if not more so, than myself.
7.) Demetri Martin is the best comedian of all time.
8.) A proper relationship requires effort from both sides.
9.) Rationale and reason are the same thing.
10.) You don’t actually need that dress, cute hat, or additional pair of shoes.
11.) Any argument can always be resolved with the proper amount of yelling if the words are vulgar or incoherent.
12.) Properly constructed sentences are important when attempting to persuade someone in a discussion.
13.) Bono is probably the most important political figure of our generation.
14.) Throwing furniture is a legitimate alternative to constructive conversation.
15.) Your conversation with me, in person, is more important than any and all of the texting conversations within your mobile device.
Section Three: Essay (Answer One, 40 Points)
Select one of the following questions and answer it as thoroughly as time will allow. Please try to be as descriptive and complete as possible, including at least two persuading arguments to support your case. Arguments should be backed up with cited evidence, not anecdotal perspective.
1.) If I were a crime-fighting vigilante by night, what efforts would you make to support my case about the rising threat of evil in this city?
2.) Give evidence, citing sources and giving references whenever possible, that you are a laid back person with a good sense of humor, including the ability to appreciate sarcasm.
3.) What is the likelihood that, if called upon to serve your country, you would be able to broker world peace using your charm and good looks alone?
Overview and Instructions
The following exam will be administered to all females that are interested in the pursuit of a relationship with one Alex Laird of Cedarville University in Ohio. Only those exams completed by a female in under the alloted fifty-minute time limit will be reviewed. You will be graded on grammar, spelling, creativity, the ability to construct a proper sentence, and lastly your overall appearance. Please submit all answers via email in a text document as an attachment to both alexdlaird@gmail.com and jenna.woestman@gmail.com. Be sure to mark the email as Urgent and put “'Student’s Name' - Girlfriend Potential Test” in the subject line, replacing 'Student’s Name' with your actual name. Include a decent, personal photograph with a minimum resolution of 800x600. Please ensure that your name, number, state of residence, and most recent IQ score are displayed prominently in the upper right-hand corner of the paper. When submitting the completed exam, each question should be copied and pasted with your answer promptly following it.
Please keep in mind that this is not a job application. However, your performance on this exam will very accurately portray your cleverness and most likely your ability to succeed when put in a real work environment. I reserve the right to submit your exam results to any future employer as either a recommendation of your abilities or in jest to show them what you aren’t capable of.
You have fifty minutes to complete this test. Your time starts now.
Section One: Multiple Choice (Answer All, 30 Points)
1.) Finish this lyric. “Apple bottom jeans ...”
A.) With the fur. The whole club was looking at her.
B.) Make me look, like, real hot.
C.) OMG I love that song!
D.) Heaven preserve us ... I’m not finishing that lyric. Do you realize Flo Rida’s name is just Florida with a space dropped in randomly?
2.) I’m going to college:
A.) To get my M-R-S degree.
B.) So I can get a good education and make a difference in the world someday.
C.) Because my parents are paying for it, so why not? I don’t actually plan on applying myself at all.
D.) Because I figured it was better than working at McDonald’s.
E.) ... Wait. I’m not going to college, actually.
3.) We’ve talked every night for several hours (not including the Dinner and a movie we had on Saturday, or the Monday night that I came over and we baked cookies), with conversation time averaging about an hour per night. On a Thursday night, when on a deadline, I express a need to get off the phone so I can finish some work and get to bed at a reasonable hour. You:
A.) Take this as a sign that I’m abandoning you, begin to point out all my flaws and that I clearly have commitment issues, and then cry.
B.) Say goodbye, but manage to do it with such menace and venom that I stay on the phone for another three silent hours, broken only occasionally by fits of gentle weeping and muttered curses.
C.) Say goodbye, but then immediately embark on another conversation entirely, discussing it as thoroughly as is scientifically, legally, or religiously possible so I can’t get a word in edge-wise.
D.) Express your feelings of devotion in three words or less, then quickly say goodbye after confirming plans for tomorrow night are still on.
4.) We’re having a fight. You:
A.) Use my past stupidities against me, even though they are completely irrelevant, I’ve apologized for them, and you said you had forgiven me several months prior.
B.) Give me space when the discussion gets too heated for rational thought, and redress your complaints in a calm manner when we’ve both had a chance to cool down.
C.) Flip me The Bird.
D.) Realize the fight is about nothing, so you begin creating fictional problems and making wild accusations about my obsession with material goods and having a wandering eye.
E.) Both c and d.
5.) I’m going out on a Friday night to hang with a bunch of my buddies. You:
A.) Immediately assume there will be female buddies there as well, that I’m in love with one of them, and become irrationally jealous. You never verbalize this too me, so I’m only lost as you stomp around my apartment and give me the cold shoulder.
B.) See this as a great opportunity to get some things done without me around.
C.) See this as a sign that you are probably just a casual thing that I could toss aside at any given moment, despite the fact that we’ve hung out the last seven evenings and I’ve still somehow managed to write you letters every other day this week.
D.) Ask if you can come along.
E.) Invite yourself and a bunch of your girlfriends along without asking my permission.
F.) Have a girls night. Hanging out with boys all the time isn’t good for anyone.
G.) Both b and f.
6.) In order to attract a male, you would:
A.) Act like a complete ditz. Guys love ditzy girls!
B.) Act superior and arrogant. Guys love it when they’re inferior to a woman.
C.) Act like yourself. Guys love it when a girl is genuine and they don’t have to figure out who she really is after they’ve already fallen for whatever show she put on when they first met.
D.) Wear the least amount of fabric as is legally possible. Guys love seductive girls.
7.) You would date a guy because:
A.) He was extremely attractive. (Hint: This is the wrong answer. God made girls to be attractive, not guys.)
B.) He’s smart!
C.) He’ll probably be rich someday, or he is rich currently.
D.) He was manipulative and somehow managed to convince you that you were in love with him ... So I guess you’re supposed to date?
E.) You had compatible personalities, were able to resolve misunderstandings without the obligatory fist fights, and you found yourself quite smitten with who he was.
8.) You buy clothes based on:
A.) Seventeen Magazine’s top picks.
B.) What’s cute and comfortable and doesn’t look like the sewing machine ran out of thread when it reached your midriff.
C.) Whatever’s newest at Abercrombie.
D.) Nothing. My mom makes them for me.
9.) You’re going clothes shopping, and the only option you have is to take me with you. You:
A.) Ignore the fact that I’m completely and hopelessly bored out of my mind, asking me repeatedly with every outfit you try on, “Does this make me look fat?”
B.) Come up with a creative game plan to help me enjoy shopping with you, keeping in mind that my retail-oriented attention span is about twelve minutes and that I am prone to wandering after flashing lights and shiny things.
C.) Attempt to keep the shopping experience as short as possible, getting only what you absolutely need and trying things on only the minimum number of times (in my opinion, not yours).
D.) Both b and c.
E.) Spontaneously add stores to the list every time we’re about to approach the “almost done” mark. These stores were not discussed prior to leaving the apartment.
10.) Assuming things without asking me to confirm them, and/or making wild and negative accusations off of single statements I make (probably sarcastic statements, at that), and/or putting words in my mouth, and/or twisting words I have previously said to make them sound derogatory:
A.) Are all necessary to a healthy relationship and help spur constructive criticism and beneficial arguments.
B.) Are expected and rational things to do, especially when you feel cornered or as if you may be losing an argument.
C.) May be good or bad, depending on your current mood, how your week has been going, and whether I asked you about your current mood and how your week has been going.
D.) Are all completely inappropriate and should never be done under any circumstances. Rational thought is required in every conversation, whether an argument or just casual.
Section Two: True or False (Answer All, 30 Points)
Answer true or false for the following fifteen questions. If you answer false, correct the statement to make it true.
1.) Wearing a skirt overtop a pair of pants is an attractive and fashionable choice.
2.) Learning to interpret body language and communication cues is important.
3.) Arguments are vital to any good relationship.
4.) Discussions are vital to any good relationship.
5.) Arguments and discussions are the same thing.
6.) Your cat is very intuitive--probably as intuitive, if not more so, than myself.
7.) Demetri Martin is the best comedian of all time.
8.) A proper relationship requires effort from both sides.
9.) Rationale and reason are the same thing.
10.) You don’t actually need that dress, cute hat, or additional pair of shoes.
11.) Any argument can always be resolved with the proper amount of yelling if the words are vulgar or incoherent.
12.) Properly constructed sentences are important when attempting to persuade someone in a discussion.
13.) Bono is probably the most important political figure of our generation.
14.) Throwing furniture is a legitimate alternative to constructive conversation.
15.) Your conversation with me, in person, is more important than any and all of the texting conversations within your mobile device.
Section Three: Essay (Answer One, 40 Points)
Select one of the following questions and answer it as thoroughly as time will allow. Please try to be as descriptive and complete as possible, including at least two persuading arguments to support your case. Arguments should be backed up with cited evidence, not anecdotal perspective.
1.) If I were a crime-fighting vigilante by night, what efforts would you make to support my case about the rising threat of evil in this city?
2.) Give evidence, citing sources and giving references whenever possible, that you are a laid back person with a good sense of humor, including the ability to appreciate sarcasm.
3.) What is the likelihood that, if called upon to serve your country, you would be able to broker world peace using your charm and good looks alone?
In Which I am no Longer Single ... ?
12/22/08 12:40 AM Filed in: Stories
We watched Get Smart.
It was a great movie. When I saw the previews for it,
I thought it was going to be hit or miss. Apparently
it was hit, because I really liked it. I drove home
afterwards, and on the way I texted Kylee to invite
her.
I had College Group at my church the next night. You know, that group of awkward college students at your home church that are only really around during breaks? Well, we have a few cool college students at my church, so I figured it wouldn’t be the worst thing I’d ever attended. Still, I figured it couldn’t hurt to invite Kylee, since I couldn’t recall a time when she wasn’t fun to hang out with, and we had agreed to hang out a lot over break. Aside from this Get Smart session, we had failed on the “a lot” part, so I figured inviting her along might make up for it.
So she came. To the Regier’s house we went, to be followed by ice skating, and that was to be followed by a White Elephant Gift Exchange. Of course, I knew most of the people there, but I hadn’t really kept up with a lot of them, so I could have been married for all they knew. There was one complete stranger there, however, who we shall refer to as Steve.
We arrived. I brought both Gally and Kylee, but Gally actually attends my church, so apparently bringing her wasn’t really that unusual. I hadn’t previously considered the ramifications of bringing a girl from my college who didn’t attend my church to a College Group, I just thought she would have fun. It didn’t help that one of the other college students had brought their Attraction of the Month (or so).
After much food consumption and awkward small talk, it became apparent to Kylee and me that everyone was under the false assumption that we were a couple. I retreated to the kitchen to get a drink and smirk with my face in a cupboard. Unfortunately, we were already sufficiently past the inital introductions where I would have gone, This is girlfriend, Kylee, or, This is my friend, Kylee. Apparently all I said was, This is Kylee. Too vague. But I couldn’t correct myself at this point (or at least clarify) without making things even more awkward, so I just decided to roll with it.
We went to the skating rink and skated in monotonous circles until my ankles complained. I remarked to Kylee that they all thought we were dating and she got a kick out of it. I suppose we were playing the part perfectly, as we were the only two of our group left out skating around the rink. Steve only sat out to rest his ankles for a few minutes braving the ice again to question us. Somehow he got the false impression that Kylee was from Iowa, I wasn’t, and that the reason I was in Iowa was to officially meet her family. He never came out and said this, just, “So, is this your first time in Iowa?” No, I’ve lived North of Cedar Rapids my entire life, thanks. He thought I was from Ohio. An understandable error, I suppose, since I went to school there. It was only a slightly flawed idea considering he was at my home church, which I had mentioned.
There are certain unspoken rules about meeting a couple for the first time. By not clarifying what we were, exactly, when introducing Kylee, I pretty much put tension on all of these. After all, nobody’s just going to straight up ask you if you’re dating while the both of you are standing right there. Okay, some people would, but most people wouldn’t. We could tell they were all studying us to death, waiting for one of us to do something clearly defining so they could make a confident choice as to whether we were dating or not. Unfortunately for them, we were both onto them and making things increasingly difficult intentionally. It was considerably more fun to watch them stumble over ambiguous questions to attempt to get us to explain how we were connected.
We finally left the ice arena. Steve couldn’t come back to the house for the White Elephant Exchange, so he was hopping the bus from the rink. He must have thought my six-foot, red-headed, blue-eyed, not-girlfriend was insecure or something, because as he left and successfully got her off to the side, he told her, “It’s okay that you’re as tall as you are. I think it’s great. Anyway, Alex doesn’t seem to mind at all.” Well, if you weren’t as tall as you are, you wouldn’t be Kylee, so you’re right, I definitely don’t mind that you’re six-foot. Kristi’s good at being short and giving powerful hugs, you’re good at being tall and volleyball. You also give pretty powerful hugs, but I’m pretty sure you would agree that Kristi must lift daily and eat her Wheaties.
After reassuring Kylee that her height wasn’t an issue, Steve got me to the edge of the sidewalk, away from the rest of the pack, and told me it was great to meet me, that he hoped I enjoyed my time in Iowa (didn’t we already go over this ... Twice?), that he hoped college would go well for me, and that he hoped things with Kylee and me went well. “Thanks, I know they will.” After all, I’m not expecting to lose her friendship anytime soon.
The scariest part is that this is the second time in one week that Kylee and I were paired up. The other time Kylee wasn’t even in the room. In fact, the guy that said we were going to get married (yes, he straight up said that) had never even met Kylee, and he had met me only minutes prior to saying this. Needless to say, it’s been an unusual week. Good thing Kylee has a good sense of humor and puts up with such things.
I had College Group at my church the next night. You know, that group of awkward college students at your home church that are only really around during breaks? Well, we have a few cool college students at my church, so I figured it wouldn’t be the worst thing I’d ever attended. Still, I figured it couldn’t hurt to invite Kylee, since I couldn’t recall a time when she wasn’t fun to hang out with, and we had agreed to hang out a lot over break. Aside from this Get Smart session, we had failed on the “a lot” part, so I figured inviting her along might make up for it.
So she came. To the Regier’s house we went, to be followed by ice skating, and that was to be followed by a White Elephant Gift Exchange. Of course, I knew most of the people there, but I hadn’t really kept up with a lot of them, so I could have been married for all they knew. There was one complete stranger there, however, who we shall refer to as Steve.
We arrived. I brought both Gally and Kylee, but Gally actually attends my church, so apparently bringing her wasn’t really that unusual. I hadn’t previously considered the ramifications of bringing a girl from my college who didn’t attend my church to a College Group, I just thought she would have fun. It didn’t help that one of the other college students had brought their Attraction of the Month (or so).
After much food consumption and awkward small talk, it became apparent to Kylee and me that everyone was under the false assumption that we were a couple. I retreated to the kitchen to get a drink and smirk with my face in a cupboard. Unfortunately, we were already sufficiently past the inital introductions where I would have gone, This is girlfriend, Kylee, or, This is my friend, Kylee. Apparently all I said was, This is Kylee. Too vague. But I couldn’t correct myself at this point (or at least clarify) without making things even more awkward, so I just decided to roll with it.
We went to the skating rink and skated in monotonous circles until my ankles complained. I remarked to Kylee that they all thought we were dating and she got a kick out of it. I suppose we were playing the part perfectly, as we were the only two of our group left out skating around the rink. Steve only sat out to rest his ankles for a few minutes braving the ice again to question us. Somehow he got the false impression that Kylee was from Iowa, I wasn’t, and that the reason I was in Iowa was to officially meet her family. He never came out and said this, just, “So, is this your first time in Iowa?” No, I’ve lived North of Cedar Rapids my entire life, thanks. He thought I was from Ohio. An understandable error, I suppose, since I went to school there. It was only a slightly flawed idea considering he was at my home church, which I had mentioned.
There are certain unspoken rules about meeting a couple for the first time. By not clarifying what we were, exactly, when introducing Kylee, I pretty much put tension on all of these. After all, nobody’s just going to straight up ask you if you’re dating while the both of you are standing right there. Okay, some people would, but most people wouldn’t. We could tell they were all studying us to death, waiting for one of us to do something clearly defining so they could make a confident choice as to whether we were dating or not. Unfortunately for them, we were both onto them and making things increasingly difficult intentionally. It was considerably more fun to watch them stumble over ambiguous questions to attempt to get us to explain how we were connected.
We finally left the ice arena. Steve couldn’t come back to the house for the White Elephant Exchange, so he was hopping the bus from the rink. He must have thought my six-foot, red-headed, blue-eyed, not-girlfriend was insecure or something, because as he left and successfully got her off to the side, he told her, “It’s okay that you’re as tall as you are. I think it’s great. Anyway, Alex doesn’t seem to mind at all.” Well, if you weren’t as tall as you are, you wouldn’t be Kylee, so you’re right, I definitely don’t mind that you’re six-foot. Kristi’s good at being short and giving powerful hugs, you’re good at being tall and volleyball. You also give pretty powerful hugs, but I’m pretty sure you would agree that Kristi must lift daily and eat her Wheaties.
After reassuring Kylee that her height wasn’t an issue, Steve got me to the edge of the sidewalk, away from the rest of the pack, and told me it was great to meet me, that he hoped I enjoyed my time in Iowa (didn’t we already go over this ... Twice?), that he hoped college would go well for me, and that he hoped things with Kylee and me went well. “Thanks, I know they will.” After all, I’m not expecting to lose her friendship anytime soon.
The scariest part is that this is the second time in one week that Kylee and I were paired up. The other time Kylee wasn’t even in the room. In fact, the guy that said we were going to get married (yes, he straight up said that) had never even met Kylee, and he had met me only minutes prior to saying this. Needless to say, it’s been an unusual week. Good thing Kylee has a good sense of humor and puts up with such things.
Test Your Code
12/13/08 10:09 PM Filed in: Media | Technology
There are reasons
software goes through rigorous testing (on multiple
levels) before it is released to the public.
My parents have this fancy DVD player that skips over crap they don’t like. It’s called ClearPlay. You can select what type of stuff you want it to cut out, and you can connect to the internet once a month or so to update the library of movies it knows. For graphic or violent scenes, it knows the time codes for the scenes in each movie which the user wants to skip over.
It’s an interesting concept, but ClearPlay has a few glitches in their programming. After all, entertaining software that intentionally skips over scenes of a DVD that is meant to play through continuously (and skip such scenes in a seamless manner without the user’s knowledge) can present significant problems if. For instance, poor programming could result in one DVD being confused for another DVD which would require skipping during a certain sequence. Or poor programming could call a skip method for no apparent reason. Who knows how these things work ... Either way, the premise of this machine seems to break one of the cardinal rules of programming, and that is that if you’re going to do so something significant (i.e. skip an entire scene in a movie) you’d better tell the user.
We were watching Prince Caspian, a movie that probably doesn’t need any skipping. Naturally, we watched the movie with the ClearPlay Filter off. Apparently it didn’t get the memo ...
One moment we’re at the scene where Caspian first enters the woods (at night) and meets the dwarf, the next moment we’re seeing the completion of the bridge by the Tel Marines (a scene near the end of the movie). The time code on the DVD player was still showing that we were only nine minutes into the movie. We rewound and fast forwarded several times, skipped around the chapters, but it continued with this glitch. We decided to give the DVD player one more chance. It did it again a few minutes later. We then realized we had never even seen the scene where the children actually enter Narnia. Something was terribly wrong.
My parents have this fancy DVD player that skips over crap they don’t like. It’s called ClearPlay. You can select what type of stuff you want it to cut out, and you can connect to the internet once a month or so to update the library of movies it knows. For graphic or violent scenes, it knows the time codes for the scenes in each movie which the user wants to skip over.
It’s an interesting concept, but ClearPlay has a few glitches in their programming. After all, entertaining software that intentionally skips over scenes of a DVD that is meant to play through continuously (and skip such scenes in a seamless manner without the user’s knowledge) can present significant problems if. For instance, poor programming could result in one DVD being confused for another DVD which would require skipping during a certain sequence. Or poor programming could call a skip method for no apparent reason. Who knows how these things work ... Either way, the premise of this machine seems to break one of the cardinal rules of programming, and that is that if you’re going to do so something significant (i.e. skip an entire scene in a movie) you’d better tell the user.
We were watching Prince Caspian, a movie that probably doesn’t need any skipping. Naturally, we watched the movie with the ClearPlay Filter off. Apparently it didn’t get the memo ...
One moment we’re at the scene where Caspian first enters the woods (at night) and meets the dwarf, the next moment we’re seeing the completion of the bridge by the Tel Marines (a scene near the end of the movie). The time code on the DVD player was still showing that we were only nine minutes into the movie. We rewound and fast forwarded several times, skipped around the chapters, but it continued with this glitch. We decided to give the DVD player one more chance. It did it again a few minutes later. We then realized we had never even seen the scene where the children actually enter Narnia. Something was terribly wrong.
Even Ernie was confused, and he can’t even understand
movie plots.
A normal DVD player could probably never have this
issue. Sure, if the disc were scratched, it could
jump to a later portion of the movie, but the time
code would jump with it. Introducing such
“functionality” as skipping scenes intentionally
without alerting the user and without advancing the
time code can present serious
issues if you don’t
test your code rigorously, while we just now
experienced as we watched Prince Caspian.
After restarting the DVD player, ejecting the disc,
and putting it back in, we skipped to the second
chapter and were greeted with the scene in which the
children enter Narnia. It worked!
Must be a Windows-based DVD player ...
Distraction
12/10/08 04:11 PM Filed in: Academia
It’s
Finals Week. Chuck’s is open continuously from 6am to
6pm. I can’t stand eating before 6pm, so I’ve
actually been eating in The Hive for Dinner, and I’m
not sure who actually gets up at 6am during Finals
Week when the first finals are never before 8am.
Anyway, six is just far too early to be social or
eat.
So I’ve been in The Hive all day, working hard. People have been drifting in and out, as have I. I had to leave for work at one, but other then that I’ve been here since I woke up. Kylee’s been here, Ryan, Dave, Gabe, Shannon, Kristi, Justin ... Maybe a few other people. I don’t know, my brain is sort of fried right now.
Anyway, everyone just left me except Kristi, who is sitting in the chair next to me, asleep. It’s making me very jealous. It’s not just that she’s asleep and I’m writing a paper. It’s more so that she’s so small that she is able to curl up into a ball small enough to fit in the chair ...
So I’ve been in The Hive all day, working hard. People have been drifting in and out, as have I. I had to leave for work at one, but other then that I’ve been here since I woke up. Kylee’s been here, Ryan, Dave, Gabe, Shannon, Kristi, Justin ... Maybe a few other people. I don’t know, my brain is sort of fried right now.
Anyway, everyone just left me except Kristi, who is sitting in the chair next to me, asleep. It’s making me very jealous. It’s not just that she’s asleep and I’m writing a paper. It’s more so that she’s so small that she is able to curl up into a ball small enough to fit in the chair ...
Really, should that even be allowed? Look at that! It
gets worse. As she’s continued to sleep (and
she’s quite
out),
she’s curled tighter and tighter and wiggled further
into the chair. It’s making me jealous.
The other day, just for fun, I
tried
being like Kristi and curling up into a ball on a
chair to fall asleep. It was about the most
uncomfortable thing I’ve ever done, and I’m not
exactly a big person. She makes it look so easy ...
Unfortunately, I couldn’t get a better picture that
didn’t have the coat wrapped around her before she
woke up. Sorry about that, guys. Also, when Ryan came
back from getting the oil changed in his car, he
didn’t realize Kristi was in the chair, he just
thought it was her coat and that she had left. A few
minutes later, when she did one of her “curl tighter”
things, he freaked out.
Okay, that’s probably about all the distraction I
have time to muster up right now. I’ll try to be more
consistant in posting once this hectic week blows
over!
In closing, I wish I were as small, compact, and
travel size as Kristi is. Seriously, it just seems
like you could pick her up and carry her around with
you, or put her in your pocket. Put her in a
suitcase. Pretty much anywhere, she’d probably fit.
I’d better stop before I get in too much more trouble
... At this point I’m running on way too little
sleep, too much stress, and not enough
rationale.
Hypocritical RAs
I have
no problem with RAs. I have no problem with police
officers. I really have no problem with authority.
Here’s what I do have a problem with: hypocrisy.
Especially when it comes from
authority.
This morning I had my last class in Old Testament Literature. During finals, we’re allowed to wear jeans to class instead of our usual Class Dress, which is basically anything but jeans. So, this week being finals week, I decided to wear jeans this morning. Sure, finals don’t technically start until tomorrow, but this week is finals week, so that was my defense. And considering 50% of the campus has the same mentality as I on this matter, I wasn’t too concerned about getting demerits for it, and I didn’t. But I did overhear a conversation entailing the demerits of another that made me want to stand up and shout!
I was sitting in my comfy rolly chair when it happened. Two girls were sitting in the row in front of me, one of which was wearing blue jeans, when a tall fellow, who was wearing black jeans, strolled up and sat in the chair on the end of the row.
Black Jeans Guy: Hey, you’re wearing jeans. I should write you up.
Blue Jeans Girl: It’s finals ...
Black Jeans Guy: Finals don’t start until tomorrow.
Blue Jeans Girl: Look around you. Everyone is wearing jeans today.
Random Girl: You’re wearing jeans!
Black Jeans Guy: No, these are black jeans. You’re wearing blue jeans.
Blue Jeans Girl: Your point?
Black Jeans Guy: The rule book says no blue jeans. Black jeans are fine. It’s okay though. You’re my friend, and it’s the last week, so I won’t write you up.
Random Girl: How considerate of you.
This conversation bothered me on so many levels. First of all, Black Jeans Guy was clearly going to let Blue Jeans Girl off the hook merely because they were friends. I was crossing my fingers the entire class, hoping he would turn around and try to give me demerits after class so I could give him the what’s-up. He didn’t.
Friend exceptions bug me, just like any amount of inconsistency bugs me, but the fact that he was actually trying to give demerits to someone else for wearing jeans while he was wearing jeans just made me want to jump into the conversation even more. I refrained.
I wanted to jump up and say, “Oh my goodness, do you not even understand the rules you’re supposed to be enforcing? The rule book says nothing about jeans whatsoever, no matter the color! Dr. Brown made a joke about it last year in chapel, but the rule book is silent on the matter.”
If he had talked to me after class, here’s what I would have said: “I’ll make you a deal. We walk to the SSC right now and get a Student Handbook. If the handbook says anything about jeans, specifically blue jeans, you can right me up for five demerits, if you want.” A dress code violation is only worth two demerits. “However, if black jeans are just as unacceptable as blue jeans, you and I are marching to your RDs office and you’re giving yourself demerits while I get none.”
Just for fun, let’s have a look at the Student Handbook, shall we? Yes, I actually have memorized parts of the Handbook just for moments such as these. It really would have made my day if he had talked to me ...
Men
Dress/sport shirt, sweaters/sweatshirts, slacks, and footwear (no long/short-sleeved T-shirts or shorts)
Women
Skirts, dresses, blouses, sweaters/sweatshirts, slacks, and footwear (no long/short-sleeved T-shirts, shorts, or leggings)
Since their seems to be a bit of confusion, let’s define “slacks” according to Webster.
slacks: trousers especially for casual wear
trouser: pant
pant: an outer garment covering each leg separately and usually extending from the waist to the ankle
As you may have noticed, as I certainly did, slacks mentions nothing of denim or color. In fact, if we took this definition completely literally, jeans may even be allowed! However, they aren’t.
It’s not so much that I care about the fact that jeans may or may not be allowed according to the Handbook. It’s that the RA used the “fact” that “the rule book says no blue jeans.” No, it doesn’t. I’ve heard RAs misquote the rule book numerous times, and it bothers me that those in authority that are supposed to be enforcing the rules on us don’t even have a proper understanding of the rules they are to be enforcing. This is why I memorize parts of the rule book. Now I just wish someone would call me out when I actually have a good defense like today ...
This morning I had my last class in Old Testament Literature. During finals, we’re allowed to wear jeans to class instead of our usual Class Dress, which is basically anything but jeans. So, this week being finals week, I decided to wear jeans this morning. Sure, finals don’t technically start until tomorrow, but this week is finals week, so that was my defense. And considering 50% of the campus has the same mentality as I on this matter, I wasn’t too concerned about getting demerits for it, and I didn’t. But I did overhear a conversation entailing the demerits of another that made me want to stand up and shout!
I was sitting in my comfy rolly chair when it happened. Two girls were sitting in the row in front of me, one of which was wearing blue jeans, when a tall fellow, who was wearing black jeans, strolled up and sat in the chair on the end of the row.
Black Jeans Guy: Hey, you’re wearing jeans. I should write you up.
Blue Jeans Girl: It’s finals ...
Black Jeans Guy: Finals don’t start until tomorrow.
Blue Jeans Girl: Look around you. Everyone is wearing jeans today.
Random Girl: You’re wearing jeans!
Black Jeans Guy: No, these are black jeans. You’re wearing blue jeans.
Blue Jeans Girl: Your point?
Black Jeans Guy: The rule book says no blue jeans. Black jeans are fine. It’s okay though. You’re my friend, and it’s the last week, so I won’t write you up.
Random Girl: How considerate of you.
This conversation bothered me on so many levels. First of all, Black Jeans Guy was clearly going to let Blue Jeans Girl off the hook merely because they were friends. I was crossing my fingers the entire class, hoping he would turn around and try to give me demerits after class so I could give him the what’s-up. He didn’t.
Friend exceptions bug me, just like any amount of inconsistency bugs me, but the fact that he was actually trying to give demerits to someone else for wearing jeans while he was wearing jeans just made me want to jump into the conversation even more. I refrained.
I wanted to jump up and say, “Oh my goodness, do you not even understand the rules you’re supposed to be enforcing? The rule book says nothing about jeans whatsoever, no matter the color! Dr. Brown made a joke about it last year in chapel, but the rule book is silent on the matter.”
If he had talked to me after class, here’s what I would have said: “I’ll make you a deal. We walk to the SSC right now and get a Student Handbook. If the handbook says anything about jeans, specifically blue jeans, you can right me up for five demerits, if you want.” A dress code violation is only worth two demerits. “However, if black jeans are just as unacceptable as blue jeans, you and I are marching to your RDs office and you’re giving yourself demerits while I get none.”
Just for fun, let’s have a look at the Student Handbook, shall we? Yes, I actually have memorized parts of the Handbook just for moments such as these. It really would have made my day if he had talked to me ...
Men
Dress/sport shirt, sweaters/sweatshirts, slacks, and footwear (no long/short-sleeved T-shirts or shorts)
Women
Skirts, dresses, blouses, sweaters/sweatshirts, slacks, and footwear (no long/short-sleeved T-shirts, shorts, or leggings)
Since their seems to be a bit of confusion, let’s define “slacks” according to Webster.
slacks: trousers especially for casual wear
trouser: pant
pant: an outer garment covering each leg separately and usually extending from the waist to the ankle
As you may have noticed, as I certainly did, slacks mentions nothing of denim or color. In fact, if we took this definition completely literally, jeans may even be allowed! However, they aren’t.
It’s not so much that I care about the fact that jeans may or may not be allowed according to the Handbook. It’s that the RA used the “fact” that “the rule book says no blue jeans.” No, it doesn’t. I’ve heard RAs misquote the rule book numerous times, and it bothers me that those in authority that are supposed to be enforcing the rules on us don’t even have a proper understanding of the rules they are to be enforcing. This is why I memorize parts of the rule book. Now I just wish someone would call me out when I actually have a good defense like today ...
Sixteen Random Facts About Myself
12/05/08 04:36 PM Filed in: Indiscriminate
Alright, fine. Jessica,
you win.
I have this policy against doing such things as these, but I decided I would oblige and respond anyway. But don't think I'm happy about this. Below are sixteen random facts about myself and then sixteen people that I think are awesome. That's the gist of this.
I wish there had been seventeen. I would have then made one ironic one which only said, “I am very long-winded.” Unfortunately, there are only sixteen, and I didn’t want to part with any of them.
One – Friends and family are what I cherish most on Earth. I love spending time with the people that are closest to me, talking and listening. I have one brother, two sisters, and two parents. My siblings are and always will be my very best friends.
Two – I'm majoring in Computer Science, and I'm just nerdy enough to work on side programming projects as well as the required projects from Cedarville. I also love web and graphic design.
Three – I love music. I love movies. I love literature. I consider all of these things art, and I love art. I love the meaning and the interpreting that can be drawn from good art, especially music, and I feel that good art is the most influential thing that can be used to sway a persons opinions and emotions. Just look at the Bible. It's magnificent literature is art. On that note, I'd much rather watch a profound, powerful movie than a movie that mindlessly entertains with cliche humor any day.
Four – I love a good debate, and I love constructive and creative writing. One of my biggest pet peeves is poor writing, especially when someone is trying to use their writing to prove a point. I refuse to listen to your point, no matter how good it may be, if you don't take the time to construct a proper sentence and capitalize your words.
Five – I love pizza. I could probably survive just on pizza (and die early from it) and be completely content. Also, I love soda. I drink it way too much.
Six – I have a tattoo with Greek writing on my wrist. It reads Doulos Xristou Ihsou, which translates to Bondslave of Christ Jesus; what I aim to be with my lifestyle.
Seven – I played the violin for five and a half years. This one isn't nearly long enough, so I'm also going to throw in this one for free: I love small children, but unfortunately they usually don't love me. Babies cry when I hold them and as they get older they just seem to be scared of me. Junior and Senior High students, on the other hand, do tend to love me, and someday I want to work with the Youth Group of some church to affect the lives of the next generations as much as those cool twenty-somethings effected mine when I was in high school.
Eight – I really can't stand the cold, but I also hate layers. This is an extremely difficult contradiction when you live in Iowa and go to school in Ohio. Someday I'd love to live somewhere warm near the coast, such as Florida or California. The trouble is I can't stand the liberal whackos that live in California, and I don't think I could ever raise children in that environment.
Nine – On that note, I also can't stand the stark legalism of close-minded, judgmental, right-wing politics either. I choose not to advertise my political views, especially after this last election, as they generally appear to be contradictory to the stereotypical Christian standard. They aren't necessarily, but some people have a difficult time disjointing themselves from their own beliefs long enough to observe the perspective of mine. I guess what you could say is that I despise stereotypes in almost any shape or form.
Ten – I love complete strangers, and I love getting to know people. I'm generally not ashamed of making a fool of myself, so I'll gladly strike up a conversation with anybody.
Eleven – I love wit, sarcasm, and most of the genres humor takes on. Sometimes people don't get along with me right away (or at all) because they take me too seriously, but my motto is, "Only take seriously what life requires." By that I mean that there are certainly times when life requires you to be serious, and to joke around under such circumstances is completely inappropriate. Most of the rest of the situations life will throw at you are probably neutral, and I choose to take them as light heartedly as possible.
Twelve – I love photography and videography, both viewing and capturing. If you ever find a video that the editing and content are simply amazing, or a photograph that is breathtaking, feel free to share it with me.
Thirteen – I love a good adventure (I stole that right from you, Jenna). Whether it's risky, crazy, or just plain insane, I'll probably still be willing to do it. You only live life once, and I intend to take Ecclesiastes as seriously as possible while attempting to maintain a model of the character of Jesus Christ. I have a crazy sister named Jenna who has a nearly identical personality to my own, and we get along very well in this manner. Ashley and Andrew, my other two siblings, also have very similar personalities to each other. Ironically, Jenna's and my personalities are frequently in contrast to Ashley and Andrew's personalities, but we still get along great!
Fourteen – I've never been clinically diagnosed with ADD or ADHD, but every amateur test I've ever taken (and perhaps the inconsistent thought patterns I have) evidences that I probably have one of the two, which is probably why each "one" of these random facts is turning out to be more than one. I'm also highly obsessive compulsive, and I like my personal matters, physical and emotional, to be as organized as possible.
Fifteen – I love playing games if it means I get to spend time with you, but I'm really quite bad at them. Luckily, I'm not very competitive either, so I don't mind losing.
Sixteen – I'm the only person I know of that has ever successfully managed to be myself. All other attempts at being me have not only failed, but have failed miserably, usually leaving the attempter as an emotional wreck. Please do not ever try to be me. Try to be like me, if you must, but don't try to actually be me. It can only end in disaster.
So there you have it. I hope you enjoyed getting to know me by reading a post instead of conversing with me in person :).
Jessica - Because you practically forced me to write this thing and would have sent me on a guilt trip if I hadn’t *glare*.
Krista - Because you and I share a common love for photography, camp, and Ben. And you’re one of my favorite people.
Ben - Because I love you and you’re not only the best boss anyone could ever ask for, you’re the best friend!
Tyson - Because you remind me of chicken, and I love chicken. It tastes good. Hey, no hard feelings about Ben being the best boss, right?
Joe - Because I miss our meaningful and deep discussions that we had so frequently this summer about.
Kylee - Because you’ve lived twenty minutes away from me for my entire life and I’m sad that I didn’t even meet you until last year, especially since you make such a fantabulous friend!
Emilie - Because you’re the most amazing Freshman on campus, and you also live just twenty minutes away from me. Whether you get to play a lot or not, I still think you’re the best at volleyball.
Kelsey - Because if it weren’t for you, I probably never would have heard about or come to the lovely Cedarville University. Thank you!
Kristi - Because you’re short and feisty, a great friend, and you give the best hugs.
Ryan - Because you have that adorable baby face and I always have a good time with you.
Dave - Because you’re the only person I could think of that would take the latter part of the seventh one completely out of context.
Griffin - Because you’re not in the book, and I just met you this year, so I thought you might be interested in the deepest, darkest secrets of my life.
Gabe - Because I just saw you walk by the Bible building and you’re such an attractive man.
Jenna - Because you’re the only family member that I figured would actually post a response to this yourself.
Evan - Because you’re coming here next year. You do realize you don’t have a choice, right?
Megan - Because you can’t eat Gluten and you let us use your house to cook anyway.
I have this policy against doing such things as these, but I decided I would oblige and respond anyway. But don't think I'm happy about this. Below are sixteen random facts about myself and then sixteen people that I think are awesome. That's the gist of this.
I wish there had been seventeen. I would have then made one ironic one which only said, “I am very long-winded.” Unfortunately, there are only sixteen, and I didn’t want to part with any of them.
One – Friends and family are what I cherish most on Earth. I love spending time with the people that are closest to me, talking and listening. I have one brother, two sisters, and two parents. My siblings are and always will be my very best friends.
Two – I'm majoring in Computer Science, and I'm just nerdy enough to work on side programming projects as well as the required projects from Cedarville. I also love web and graphic design.
Three – I love music. I love movies. I love literature. I consider all of these things art, and I love art. I love the meaning and the interpreting that can be drawn from good art, especially music, and I feel that good art is the most influential thing that can be used to sway a persons opinions and emotions. Just look at the Bible. It's magnificent literature is art. On that note, I'd much rather watch a profound, powerful movie than a movie that mindlessly entertains with cliche humor any day.
Four – I love a good debate, and I love constructive and creative writing. One of my biggest pet peeves is poor writing, especially when someone is trying to use their writing to prove a point. I refuse to listen to your point, no matter how good it may be, if you don't take the time to construct a proper sentence and capitalize your words.
Five – I love pizza. I could probably survive just on pizza (and die early from it) and be completely content. Also, I love soda. I drink it way too much.
Six – I have a tattoo with Greek writing on my wrist. It reads Doulos Xristou Ihsou, which translates to Bondslave of Christ Jesus; what I aim to be with my lifestyle.
Seven – I played the violin for five and a half years. This one isn't nearly long enough, so I'm also going to throw in this one for free: I love small children, but unfortunately they usually don't love me. Babies cry when I hold them and as they get older they just seem to be scared of me. Junior and Senior High students, on the other hand, do tend to love me, and someday I want to work with the Youth Group of some church to affect the lives of the next generations as much as those cool twenty-somethings effected mine when I was in high school.
Eight – I really can't stand the cold, but I also hate layers. This is an extremely difficult contradiction when you live in Iowa and go to school in Ohio. Someday I'd love to live somewhere warm near the coast, such as Florida or California. The trouble is I can't stand the liberal whackos that live in California, and I don't think I could ever raise children in that environment.
Nine – On that note, I also can't stand the stark legalism of close-minded, judgmental, right-wing politics either. I choose not to advertise my political views, especially after this last election, as they generally appear to be contradictory to the stereotypical Christian standard. They aren't necessarily, but some people have a difficult time disjointing themselves from their own beliefs long enough to observe the perspective of mine. I guess what you could say is that I despise stereotypes in almost any shape or form.
Ten – I love complete strangers, and I love getting to know people. I'm generally not ashamed of making a fool of myself, so I'll gladly strike up a conversation with anybody.
Eleven – I love wit, sarcasm, and most of the genres humor takes on. Sometimes people don't get along with me right away (or at all) because they take me too seriously, but my motto is, "Only take seriously what life requires." By that I mean that there are certainly times when life requires you to be serious, and to joke around under such circumstances is completely inappropriate. Most of the rest of the situations life will throw at you are probably neutral, and I choose to take them as light heartedly as possible.
Twelve – I love photography and videography, both viewing and capturing. If you ever find a video that the editing and content are simply amazing, or a photograph that is breathtaking, feel free to share it with me.
Thirteen – I love a good adventure (I stole that right from you, Jenna). Whether it's risky, crazy, or just plain insane, I'll probably still be willing to do it. You only live life once, and I intend to take Ecclesiastes as seriously as possible while attempting to maintain a model of the character of Jesus Christ. I have a crazy sister named Jenna who has a nearly identical personality to my own, and we get along very well in this manner. Ashley and Andrew, my other two siblings, also have very similar personalities to each other. Ironically, Jenna's and my personalities are frequently in contrast to Ashley and Andrew's personalities, but we still get along great!
Fourteen – I've never been clinically diagnosed with ADD or ADHD, but every amateur test I've ever taken (and perhaps the inconsistent thought patterns I have) evidences that I probably have one of the two, which is probably why each "one" of these random facts is turning out to be more than one. I'm also highly obsessive compulsive, and I like my personal matters, physical and emotional, to be as organized as possible.
Fifteen – I love playing games if it means I get to spend time with you, but I'm really quite bad at them. Luckily, I'm not very competitive either, so I don't mind losing.
Sixteen – I'm the only person I know of that has ever successfully managed to be myself. All other attempts at being me have not only failed, but have failed miserably, usually leaving the attempter as an emotional wreck. Please do not ever try to be me. Try to be like me, if you must, but don't try to actually be me. It can only end in disaster.
So there you have it. I hope you enjoyed getting to know me by reading a post instead of conversing with me in person :).
Jessica - Because you practically forced me to write this thing and would have sent me on a guilt trip if I hadn’t *glare*.
Krista - Because you and I share a common love for photography, camp, and Ben. And you’re one of my favorite people.
Ben - Because I love you and you’re not only the best boss anyone could ever ask for, you’re the best friend!
Tyson - Because you remind me of chicken, and I love chicken. It tastes good. Hey, no hard feelings about Ben being the best boss, right?
Joe - Because I miss our meaningful and deep discussions that we had so frequently this summer about.
Kylee - Because you’ve lived twenty minutes away from me for my entire life and I’m sad that I didn’t even meet you until last year, especially since you make such a fantabulous friend!
Emilie - Because you’re the most amazing Freshman on campus, and you also live just twenty minutes away from me. Whether you get to play a lot or not, I still think you’re the best at volleyball.
Kelsey - Because if it weren’t for you, I probably never would have heard about or come to the lovely Cedarville University. Thank you!
Kristi - Because you’re short and feisty, a great friend, and you give the best hugs.
Ryan - Because you have that adorable baby face and I always have a good time with you.
Dave - Because you’re the only person I could think of that would take the latter part of the seventh one completely out of context.
Griffin - Because you’re not in the book, and I just met you this year, so I thought you might be interested in the deepest, darkest secrets of my life.
Gabe - Because I just saw you walk by the Bible building and you’re such an attractive man.
Jenna - Because you’re the only family member that I figured would actually post a response to this yourself.
Evan - Because you’re coming here next year. You do realize you don’t have a choice, right?
Megan - Because you can’t eat Gluten and you let us use your house to cook anyway.
Hotel California
12/03/08 11:17 PM Filed in: Media
Joe Kmetz and I were on
our way to Krista’s house over Turkey Break and I had
designated Joe as the DJ for the trip. At some point
during the drive we ended up listening to “Hotel
California,” probably the best song the Eagles ever
wrote and performed. This spawned a discussion as to
the meaning of the song. Unfortunately, neither of us
knew for sure, but I promised Joe I would investigate
the song as soon as I had time.
Though you can play “Hotel California” on Guitar Hero by yourself an sound surprisingly similar to the original track, there’s nothing realistic about that. On the Hell Freezes Over album, the Eagles used eight guitars to perform this song. In the original studio mix, only five were used. Still, this should give you some measure of the caliber of this song. It is an amazing piece for guitar, and I never tire of listening to it.
Musical melodies aside, the lyrics of the song span quite a bit of controversies. The interpretations of this song range from the drug use, cannibalism, Hotel California being another name for the Camarillo State Hospital (a psychiatric hospital), and even references to devil worship and the Church of Satan.
I’m going to have to go ahead and debunk all the most popular rumors, as none of them are even remotely close to being true (except possibly the drug use one, though indirectly). Let’s lay out the most popular rumors and look at why they aren’t true. For your convenience, I have typed up the proper lyrics to the song here and you can listen to the song here.
Background on the Eagles
The Eagles are one of the most successful American rock bands of the 1970s. The Eagles were founded in the early 70s in Los Angeles, California, by Glenn Frey (singer, guitarist, songwriter), Don Henley (singer, guitarist, drummer, songwriter), Randy Meisner (singer, bassist, songwriter), and Bernie Leadon (singer, guitarist). It’s also worth mentioning the former member Don Felder (singer, guitarist, songwriter), as he helped write “Hotel California” and performed part of the guitar solo. The band has five number-one singles and six number-one albums so far. Their fifth album was Hotel California.
“Hotel California” is a song by the Eagles on the rock album of the same name, Hotel California, released in 1976. The theme of the whole album is essentially that of Manifest Destiny and the American Dream and the rise and falls in-thereof. The album isn’t exactly a rock opera, but it does seem to follow a common theme: it starts with “Hotel California” and comes to a culmination with “The Last Resort,” a song that narrates the demise of society as the conclusive warning to the theme of the album.
After its release, Hotel California received a Grammy for Record of the Year in 1978, the song has been considered by Rolling Stone to be the 49th greatest song of all time, and Guitar World Magazine ranked the guitar solo as the 8th greatest of all time. “Hotel California” reached 20th on the Billboard Top 100 in 1977.
It’s a Real Hotel
It turns out there’s a real hotel in California! A few of them, actually. Unfortunately, there is no hotel in California that goes under the name of Hotel California. There is, however, a hotel in Todos Santos, Mexico, just across the border, that goes by the name of Hotel California. The hotel also went under the name of The Hotel Mission (“I heard the Mission bell”). The name of the hotel changed several times after the popularity of the song grew so as to attract tourists. The problem is the Eagles never actually stayed there, and that location is not what the song is referring to.
It’s an Insane Asylum
“Next thing I remember / I was running for the door / I had to find the passage back / To the place I was before / “Relax,” said the night man / “We are programmed to receive / You can check out any time you like / But you can never leave.”
People who believe this rumor may simply be getting confused by the fact that the Eagles’s record company for the album before Hotel California was Asylum Records. The song isn’t actually about an insane asylum; there is no asylum anywhere in California or even the entire United States by the name of Hotel California.
Some still insist that the Hotel California is a nickname for the Camarillo State Hospital in Camarillo, California. But since the Eagles said in an interview in 1995 that it wasn’t in reference to a particular location, and since it wouldn’t really make much sense to take the pictures for the album artwork at the Beverly Hills Hotel if the song were really about the Camarillo State Hospital, the song probably isn’t in reference to an insane asylum. Though the imagery in the song does seem to describe states of insanity at times.
It’s a Hospital
Still, people insist that the Hotel California must be a real building somewhere, so they conjecture that perhaps it is a hospital somewhere. The rumor further claims that the song is actually about cancer.
“My head grew heavy and my site grew dim.” It could be a reference to the pains of the cancer that is evidently killing the body. “There she stood in the doorway” is alleged to be a reference to a nurse, and “And she showed me the way / There were voices down the corridor” is the nurse leading him down the hallways of the hospital, other cancer patients calling out to the narrator as he walks by. “They stab it with their Steely knives / But they just can’t kill the beast” could be a reference to repeated attempts to kill the cancer.
The song could be a metaphor for cancer, if you chose to interpret that way, but that wasn’t the intention when it was written.
It’s About Steely Dan
The line “They stab it with their Steely knives / But they just can’t kill the beast” is a reference to Steely Dan, an American rock band that had a healthy competition with the Eagles around the time Hotel California came out.
The Eagles were apparently impressed by the fact that Steely Dan didn’t require any rhyme or reason to the meaning in the lyrics of their song. The Eagles decided it would be pretty sweet to mention Steely Dan in their song, even though the rest of the song has absolutely nothing to do with them. Steely Dan had previously mention the Eagles in their song Everything You Did with the line “Turn up the Eagles the neighbors are listening” in 1976.
It’s About Cannibalism
Apparently the references to a secluded hotel with corridors and hallways that were an endless maze that entrapped anyone who entered reminded too many people of H. H. Holmes and the Murder Castle. I guess he didn’t eat his guests, but his story probably set people up for paranoia.
One theory that got spread around via chain mail muses that the reason “You can check out anytime you like / But you can never leave” is because the only way to truly leave is to be stabbed by those “Steely knives!” Apparently the hotel in the distance enticed you only to serve you up for dinner the following day. There’s really not much evidence of this in the song, and the band members have denied it.
It’s About the Church of Satan
Probably the most well known (and most misunderstood) meaning for the song says that it is a reference to devil worship and the Church of Satan. Such lines as “I was thinking to myself / This could be Heaven or this could be Hell,” “We haven’t had that spirit here / Since nineteen sixty-nine,” “... they just can’t kill the beast,” and “You can check out anytime you like / But you can never leave” apparently solidify this claim. Additionally, the album artwork has a bit of an eerie feel, and people claim that the photographs were taken at the same place where the Satanic Bible was written. “The Beast” referred to in the song is alleged to be Satan.
Anton LeVay finished the Satanic Bible in 1969, three years after founding his church. Supposedly ever since the bible was finished the Holy Spirit hasn’t been present at the Satanic Church (as if he was before?) and that’s what the line in the song is referencing. This claim falls short when you recognize that the line directly before this clarifies a reference to the spirit of wine, not the Holy Spirit. Additionally, once you join the occult you are apparently unable to get out. Considering the previous claims fall short, I’m going to entertain the thought that “the beast” must be a metaphorical character referring to something other than Satan.
The artwork for the album was actually shot at the Beverly Hills Hotel in Beverly Hills. The Eagles say that the reason for the shadowy figures is due to poor lighting and a poor camera. The ghostly figure in the window who many claim is supposed to be either Satan himself or Anton LaVey is actually a publicity guy from Asylum Records. Any physical similarities to LaVey or the Devil himself are purely coincidental.
Further claims state that the Hotel California is a reference to a hotel on California St. in San Francisco which the Church of Satan purchased and converted into their headquarters. The building in question was called The Black House and was actually an old Victorian mansion, not a hotel. It was the headquarters for the Church of Satan used by Anton LaVey in 1966 until his death in 1997. The Satanic Church lost custody of the house after LaVey’s death, and it was torn down in 2001.
It is also rumored that the Eagles were members of the Church of Satan and that they were disciples of LeVay. While a very unreliable source claims that the Waco Tribune-Herald interview Larry Salter, the Eagle’s manager, and he admitted that the Eagle’s were involved with the Church of Satan, the interview was apparently back in 1982 and the original can’t be found ...
Then there’s that whole bit about playing the song backward to hear a satanic message. That’s a bit of a stretch. Especially considering sites like that try to say the same thing about Metallica, Megadeath, and Kiss songs and, let’s be honest, you don’t need to play those songs backward to hear a Satanic message. Anyway, if you listen to the entire song backward yourself, you’ll find that it’s quite bogus.
Some have said that the Church of Satan is registered in California under the name “Hotel California,” but there is absolutely no evidence to support this claim.
It’s about Sex and Drugs
“Warm smell of Colitas / Rising up through the air”
“I saw a shimmering light”
“There she stood in the doorway / I heard the mission bell / I was thinking to myself / This could be Heaven or this could be Hell. / Then she lit up a candle / And she showed me the way”
“She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys / That she calls friends / How they dance in the courtyard / Sweet summer sweat / Some dance to remember / Some dance to forget”
“And still the voices are calling from far away / Wake you up in the middle of the night”
“Mirrors on the ceiling / Pink champagne on ice / And she said, ‘We are all just prisoners here / Of our own device’”
“You can check out anytime you like / But you can never leave”
This theory has the most overwhelming amount of evidence straight out of the song, and it’s also closest to the true meaning.
Probably the most explicit reference in the song is that of Colitas, a Spanish term meaning “little tails,” which could be a reference to the Cannabis plant (marijuana). The rest of the imagery in the song is a very strong implication that the narrator may not be entirely sane (or lucid) while he’s telling us his tale. A shimmering light and a vision of a hotel? Voices echoing down the hallways? Mirrors on the ceiling (seeing many things from many angles, which would happen when you hallucinate)?
It’s usually said that the song is warning against the use of drugs, given it’s generally negative view towards the subject, especially considering the narrators regret that he can’t seem to get out of the lifestyle he has become trapped in.
So What’s it Really About?
And now we come to the true meaning of this song, which is only slightly disappointing after reading all the wild previous possibilities!
Well, Henley and Frey claim that Colitas is a desert flower that smells good. Well, it may very well be a desert flower, but it’s still most likely slang for Cannabis. In their defense, I did read somewhere that a Mexican translated the words “little bud” to “Colitas” for them, neglecting to mention the marijuana reference, so they may not have completely understood what they were saying.
That being said, they explained in an interview in 1995 that the song is about the dangers of hedonism and greed, specifically as it applies to the American Dream and their own achieving fame and fortune in the worlds eyes. They wanted to warn not only California of this, but the entire nation. Unfortunately, due to a poor choice in the title of both the song and the album, it’s most commonly only associated with the Californian mindset.
It’s not a reference to any type of building, it’s not about cannibalism, and it’s not about the Church of Satan. The Steely Dan reference was, in fact, true. The song was the Eagles’ look back at their own lives, realizing how they had become caught up in the famous lifestyle (“Her mind is Tiffany-twisted / She got a Mercedes-Benz”), a lifestyle which has trapped them and isn’t turning out to be everything they had wanted (“We are all just prisoners here / Of our own device,” “You can check out anytime you like / But you can never leave”).
It makes sense if you consider that the song is the first on the album that addresses the issues of drugs, temptation, fame, relationships, and the American Dream.
There you have it! That’s the true meaning of the song Hotel California. I’m glad we had this discussion. I was sick of hearing about the Church of Satan.
Though you can play “Hotel California” on Guitar Hero by yourself an sound surprisingly similar to the original track, there’s nothing realistic about that. On the Hell Freezes Over album, the Eagles used eight guitars to perform this song. In the original studio mix, only five were used. Still, this should give you some measure of the caliber of this song. It is an amazing piece for guitar, and I never tire of listening to it.
Musical melodies aside, the lyrics of the song span quite a bit of controversies. The interpretations of this song range from the drug use, cannibalism, Hotel California being another name for the Camarillo State Hospital (a psychiatric hospital), and even references to devil worship and the Church of Satan.
I’m going to have to go ahead and debunk all the most popular rumors, as none of them are even remotely close to being true (except possibly the drug use one, though indirectly). Let’s lay out the most popular rumors and look at why they aren’t true. For your convenience, I have typed up the proper lyrics to the song here and you can listen to the song here.
Background on the Eagles
The Eagles are one of the most successful American rock bands of the 1970s. The Eagles were founded in the early 70s in Los Angeles, California, by Glenn Frey (singer, guitarist, songwriter), Don Henley (singer, guitarist, drummer, songwriter), Randy Meisner (singer, bassist, songwriter), and Bernie Leadon (singer, guitarist). It’s also worth mentioning the former member Don Felder (singer, guitarist, songwriter), as he helped write “Hotel California” and performed part of the guitar solo. The band has five number-one singles and six number-one albums so far. Their fifth album was Hotel California.
“Hotel California” is a song by the Eagles on the rock album of the same name, Hotel California, released in 1976. The theme of the whole album is essentially that of Manifest Destiny and the American Dream and the rise and falls in-thereof. The album isn’t exactly a rock opera, but it does seem to follow a common theme: it starts with “Hotel California” and comes to a culmination with “The Last Resort,” a song that narrates the demise of society as the conclusive warning to the theme of the album.
After its release, Hotel California received a Grammy for Record of the Year in 1978, the song has been considered by Rolling Stone to be the 49th greatest song of all time, and Guitar World Magazine ranked the guitar solo as the 8th greatest of all time. “Hotel California” reached 20th on the Billboard Top 100 in 1977.
It’s a Real Hotel
It turns out there’s a real hotel in California! A few of them, actually. Unfortunately, there is no hotel in California that goes under the name of Hotel California. There is, however, a hotel in Todos Santos, Mexico, just across the border, that goes by the name of Hotel California. The hotel also went under the name of The Hotel Mission (“I heard the Mission bell”). The name of the hotel changed several times after the popularity of the song grew so as to attract tourists. The problem is the Eagles never actually stayed there, and that location is not what the song is referring to.
It’s an Insane Asylum
“Next thing I remember / I was running for the door / I had to find the passage back / To the place I was before / “Relax,” said the night man / “We are programmed to receive / You can check out any time you like / But you can never leave.”
People who believe this rumor may simply be getting confused by the fact that the Eagles’s record company for the album before Hotel California was Asylum Records. The song isn’t actually about an insane asylum; there is no asylum anywhere in California or even the entire United States by the name of Hotel California.
Some still insist that the Hotel California is a nickname for the Camarillo State Hospital in Camarillo, California. But since the Eagles said in an interview in 1995 that it wasn’t in reference to a particular location, and since it wouldn’t really make much sense to take the pictures for the album artwork at the Beverly Hills Hotel if the song were really about the Camarillo State Hospital, the song probably isn’t in reference to an insane asylum. Though the imagery in the song does seem to describe states of insanity at times.
It’s a Hospital
Still, people insist that the Hotel California must be a real building somewhere, so they conjecture that perhaps it is a hospital somewhere. The rumor further claims that the song is actually about cancer.
“My head grew heavy and my site grew dim.” It could be a reference to the pains of the cancer that is evidently killing the body. “There she stood in the doorway” is alleged to be a reference to a nurse, and “And she showed me the way / There were voices down the corridor” is the nurse leading him down the hallways of the hospital, other cancer patients calling out to the narrator as he walks by. “They stab it with their Steely knives / But they just can’t kill the beast” could be a reference to repeated attempts to kill the cancer.
The song could be a metaphor for cancer, if you chose to interpret that way, but that wasn’t the intention when it was written.
It’s About Steely Dan
The line “They stab it with their Steely knives / But they just can’t kill the beast” is a reference to Steely Dan, an American rock band that had a healthy competition with the Eagles around the time Hotel California came out.
The Eagles were apparently impressed by the fact that Steely Dan didn’t require any rhyme or reason to the meaning in the lyrics of their song. The Eagles decided it would be pretty sweet to mention Steely Dan in their song, even though the rest of the song has absolutely nothing to do with them. Steely Dan had previously mention the Eagles in their song Everything You Did with the line “Turn up the Eagles the neighbors are listening” in 1976.
It’s About Cannibalism
Apparently the references to a secluded hotel with corridors and hallways that were an endless maze that entrapped anyone who entered reminded too many people of H. H. Holmes and the Murder Castle. I guess he didn’t eat his guests, but his story probably set people up for paranoia.
One theory that got spread around via chain mail muses that the reason “You can check out anytime you like / But you can never leave” is because the only way to truly leave is to be stabbed by those “Steely knives!” Apparently the hotel in the distance enticed you only to serve you up for dinner the following day. There’s really not much evidence of this in the song, and the band members have denied it.
It’s About the Church of Satan
Probably the most well known (and most misunderstood) meaning for the song says that it is a reference to devil worship and the Church of Satan. Such lines as “I was thinking to myself / This could be Heaven or this could be Hell,” “We haven’t had that spirit here / Since nineteen sixty-nine,” “... they just can’t kill the beast,” and “You can check out anytime you like / But you can never leave” apparently solidify this claim. Additionally, the album artwork has a bit of an eerie feel, and people claim that the photographs were taken at the same place where the Satanic Bible was written. “The Beast” referred to in the song is alleged to be Satan.
Anton LeVay finished the Satanic Bible in 1969, three years after founding his church. Supposedly ever since the bible was finished the Holy Spirit hasn’t been present at the Satanic Church (as if he was before?) and that’s what the line in the song is referencing. This claim falls short when you recognize that the line directly before this clarifies a reference to the spirit of wine, not the Holy Spirit. Additionally, once you join the occult you are apparently unable to get out. Considering the previous claims fall short, I’m going to entertain the thought that “the beast” must be a metaphorical character referring to something other than Satan.
The artwork for the album was actually shot at the Beverly Hills Hotel in Beverly Hills. The Eagles say that the reason for the shadowy figures is due to poor lighting and a poor camera. The ghostly figure in the window who many claim is supposed to be either Satan himself or Anton LaVey is actually a publicity guy from Asylum Records. Any physical similarities to LaVey or the Devil himself are purely coincidental.
Further claims state that the Hotel California is a reference to a hotel on California St. in San Francisco which the Church of Satan purchased and converted into their headquarters. The building in question was called The Black House and was actually an old Victorian mansion, not a hotel. It was the headquarters for the Church of Satan used by Anton LaVey in 1966 until his death in 1997. The Satanic Church lost custody of the house after LaVey’s death, and it was torn down in 2001.
It is also rumored that the Eagles were members of the Church of Satan and that they were disciples of LeVay. While a very unreliable source claims that the Waco Tribune-Herald interview Larry Salter, the Eagle’s manager, and he admitted that the Eagle’s were involved with the Church of Satan, the interview was apparently back in 1982 and the original can’t be found ...
Then there’s that whole bit about playing the song backward to hear a satanic message. That’s a bit of a stretch. Especially considering sites like that try to say the same thing about Metallica, Megadeath, and Kiss songs and, let’s be honest, you don’t need to play those songs backward to hear a Satanic message. Anyway, if you listen to the entire song backward yourself, you’ll find that it’s quite bogus.
Some have said that the Church of Satan is registered in California under the name “Hotel California,” but there is absolutely no evidence to support this claim.
It’s about Sex and Drugs
“Warm smell of Colitas / Rising up through the air”
“I saw a shimmering light”
“There she stood in the doorway / I heard the mission bell / I was thinking to myself / This could be Heaven or this could be Hell. / Then she lit up a candle / And she showed me the way”
“She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys / That she calls friends / How they dance in the courtyard / Sweet summer sweat / Some dance to remember / Some dance to forget”
“And still the voices are calling from far away / Wake you up in the middle of the night”
“Mirrors on the ceiling / Pink champagne on ice / And she said, ‘We are all just prisoners here / Of our own device’”
“You can check out anytime you like / But you can never leave”
This theory has the most overwhelming amount of evidence straight out of the song, and it’s also closest to the true meaning.
Probably the most explicit reference in the song is that of Colitas, a Spanish term meaning “little tails,” which could be a reference to the Cannabis plant (marijuana). The rest of the imagery in the song is a very strong implication that the narrator may not be entirely sane (or lucid) while he’s telling us his tale. A shimmering light and a vision of a hotel? Voices echoing down the hallways? Mirrors on the ceiling (seeing many things from many angles, which would happen when you hallucinate)?
It’s usually said that the song is warning against the use of drugs, given it’s generally negative view towards the subject, especially considering the narrators regret that he can’t seem to get out of the lifestyle he has become trapped in.
So What’s it Really About?
And now we come to the true meaning of this song, which is only slightly disappointing after reading all the wild previous possibilities!
Well, Henley and Frey claim that Colitas is a desert flower that smells good. Well, it may very well be a desert flower, but it’s still most likely slang for Cannabis. In their defense, I did read somewhere that a Mexican translated the words “little bud” to “Colitas” for them, neglecting to mention the marijuana reference, so they may not have completely understood what they were saying.
That being said, they explained in an interview in 1995 that the song is about the dangers of hedonism and greed, specifically as it applies to the American Dream and their own achieving fame and fortune in the worlds eyes. They wanted to warn not only California of this, but the entire nation. Unfortunately, due to a poor choice in the title of both the song and the album, it’s most commonly only associated with the Californian mindset.
It’s not a reference to any type of building, it’s not about cannibalism, and it’s not about the Church of Satan. The Steely Dan reference was, in fact, true. The song was the Eagles’ look back at their own lives, realizing how they had become caught up in the famous lifestyle (“Her mind is Tiffany-twisted / She got a Mercedes-Benz”), a lifestyle which has trapped them and isn’t turning out to be everything they had wanted (“We are all just prisoners here / Of our own device,” “You can check out anytime you like / But you can never leave”).
It makes sense if you consider that the song is the first on the album that addresses the issues of drugs, temptation, fame, relationships, and the American Dream.
There you have it! That’s the true meaning of the song Hotel California. I’m glad we had this discussion. I was sick of hearing about the Church of Satan.
Domo and The Kid's Grand Escapades, Pt. 1
12/02/08 05:00 PM Filed in: Stories
Jenna got me Domo for
Christmas (yes, we did Christmas early this year at
my house), so I decided to take him around with me to
my classes and such.
Since Jenna has also granted me permission to guest post on her blog on the second of every month (in correlation with the fact that my birthday is on the second of November, I guess), and since today is the second of the month, I decided to photograph Domo’s and my adventures and blog about them for my post. You can view the first two chapters of our many escapades HERE :).
Since Jenna has also granted me permission to guest post on her blog on the second of every month (in correlation with the fact that my birthday is on the second of November, I guess), and since today is the second of the month, I decided to photograph Domo’s and my adventures and blog about them for my post. You can view the first two chapters of our many escapades HERE :).