So, Jenna was in this big-time production in which she portrays an emo girl who likes the internet. She’s practically famous and all the biggest internet forums are raving about her hotness. You too should watch the video. Also, my brother-in-law edited it, so you know it’s good.

Tags: Family, Jenna

This post is most pointedly directed towards the residents of Brock Hall, but it really applies to anyone. Also, please understand the heavy sarcasm in the title. You do not have a right to common courtesy. Certain people are gracious to you and you should be thankful. That doesn’t mean you sit around expecting people to bring you free food because you look like you’re hungry.

I was headed over to chat with Kylee, and Dave was on his way over to the SSC. We left the third floor of Brock, heading down the stairs. We got to the main double doors and pushed them open. As I pushed through the first set, I saw two fellow Brockians approaching the building. I had a crucial “yellow-light” decision. Should I stand for a few moments and hold the door for them, or are they far enough away that I should just let the door close and make them unlock it for themselves? They were far enough away that I decided to just keep walking, as did Dave.

As we were a few paces out of the building, we crossed paths with the other gentleman. There were two of them, one of them I know by name (but that’s about all), but both shall remain nameless out of respect. The one I knew sarcastically tossed over his shoulder, “Hey, thanks for holding the door for us, guys.” So, not to be outdone, I sarcastically tossed back, “Hey, you’re welcome!” with a big smile and a wave. Apparently taken aback, and not wanting to lose the last words, the other shouted in a far more desperate tone, “Yah! Thanks for holding it!” Nice comeback. I commend you.

To the first of you: you are extremely pompous.
To the second: you sounded like a desperate five year old who was failing miserably at winning at argument.

This isn’t the first time, nor even the second, that this has happened. I’ve had people sarcastically “burn” me for not holding the door open for them numerous times while leaving Brock, some harsher than others. It’s as if they expect that I owe them something. Look, I don’t want to be rude, but at the same time, with the attitude you’re giving me, why the heck do you think you deserve to have the door held open for you?

A few weeks back I was leaving Brock and a similar situation happened. I walked through both double doors and the student walking towards me moved in front of me to stop me and said, “Really, man? It would take you two extra seconds to stand and hold the door so I wouldn’t have to get my ID out!” To which I replied, “Really, man? It would take you the same two seconds while you’re still walking to get your own ID out.” And I walked around him and on to class.

First of all, logically, if you’re coming back to Brock, you’re probably done with class. You’re most likely not in a hurry. If we’re leaving Brock, it’s more likely we’re actually purposefully headed somewhere, perhaps somewhere we don’t want to be late to. Sure, it’s only two seconds, but it’s the principle of the matter: we’re headed somewhere to participate in an activity, you’re headed back to your dorm to be “off the clock.”

I was sitting in the lounge on the opposite end of Brock once when I heard someone pounding on the doors. Someone had forgotten their ID. There’s a lounge on that side, so me and all my friends assumed someone over there would get the door. Well, no one did. The pounding continued. Finally, someone on that end of the building let the guys in. I say guys because it wasn’t just one guy, it was five. Five guys who either didn’t remember to take their ID with them when they left the building or just didn’t want to reach into their pockets to get it out because they were too lazy. (That last statement actually isn’t too far from the truth. There are guys that do that.) They came to our end of the building, leaning through the doors into the lounge we were all sitting in, and yelled, “Hey, thanks for coming and opening the door for us, guys!” I shouted back, “Hey, thanks for remembering to take your ID with you.”

The thing is, you have every right to not take your ID with you, and you can bank on the fact that someone will open the door for you. But you can’t get upset when someone doesn’t open the door for you. Understand that when we’re sitting in the lounge and we open that door for you, you go upstairs and forget about the whole situation. If we’re sitting in the lounge and everyone does the same thing you do and expects us to open the door for them, we wouldn’t get any work done. That’s why Cedarville gave you an ID, so you could serve yourself.

Next time I’m walking out of Brock and someone tries to slight me with, “Hey, thanks for holding the door for me,” I’ll respond with, “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were a woman at a conservative Baptist college.” You know. The types where women just stand at the doors and wait for a guy to come hold the door for them. Because it’s not that they’re special and we want to show them we appreciate them, it’s that they deserve to have the door held for them.

Holding the door for you is a favor, not a requirement. Grow up. Honestly, we live in Brock. We’re already pegged with the stereotype of being arrogant idiots. Thanks for stapling that down, guys.

Tags: Cedarville, Brock, Observations

Ladies and gentlemen, I have a significant announcement to make.  No, I'm not engaged, but close.  Actually, it has nothing to do with marriage or relationships, unless you consider my relationships with carbonated beverages more than just the meaningless flings that I consider them.
 
No, my announcement is that today, March 26th, 2009, is the twenty-fifth day I have gone without the consumption of a soda.  Even more significant, without the consumption of a caffeinated drink.  More significant still, I haven't drank anything except water in the last twenty-five days!  If this doesn't seem significant enough to you, take into account that I will not be partaking in The Drink for another fifteen days.
 
Still not significant?  Okay, maybe you don't understand my insatiable thirst for caffeine.  I love it.  I have no shame in admitting that I may or may not be addicted to it.  (I guess by the way I sidestepped that question, I may have some shame, but you get the point.)  I love Pepsi, Mountain Dew, Cherry Coke, Dr. Pepper, coffee, Latte (or "German Coffee," if you prefer), Macchiato, Chai Tea ... Really, if it has caffeine, I'll probably drink it.  And that list doesn’t even include Energy Drinks, which I also enjoy (if they aren’t the nasty tasting ones, anyway).

That's just caffeinated content.  I also love Orange Juice, smoothies, and those delicious lizard juices (that sounds weird) by SoBe.  On average, considering all the possibilities for caffeine and the fact that soda, coffee, and tea are all free in Chuck's, I ingest ample amounts of caffeine per day.  Numerous bottles.  Many glasses.  Several cups.
 
So, why the sudden urge to cut off my energy source Cold Turkey for forty days?  Well, it's not for Lent, if that's what you're thinking.  But really, it is.  But it's actually not.  Observe.
 
With proceeds going toward Blood:Water Mission, this non-Lent initiative is to raise awareness, in America specifically, of the fact that we have so many choices.  Do I want water at this very moment, or do I want a soda?  If I want a soda, which kind?  I have dozens to choose from.  In America, we're blessed with plenty; in many third-world countries, children have only one choice: water.  And that water may not even be healthy, and it certainly isn't filtered and coming through a faucet.  The forty days is offset from the Lent holiday by two days, presumably because they were attempting to appeal not just to the religious crowd but also to people who simply wanted to help make a difference around the world.  So though it's technically not for Lent, it's practically the same thing.  Call it what you will, we've given up drinking anything other than water for forty days.
 
Kylee the Magnificent, Emilie the Elegant, and I decided we wanted to do this together, so we have been.  A few other stragglers from our sphere of influence have joined the bandwagon along the way.  Despite the controversy that smoothies may or may not be a drink, we've decided to avoid them as well since we have them regularly too.  At the end of the forty days, the three of us are celebrating our completion of this task with smoothies.  Toasts and cheers will be made.
 
We're not just abstaining from anything that doesn't resemble two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom, we're also saving the money that we would normally spend on these drinks and donating it to Blood:Water Mission.  $1 will provide water for an African child for one year.  It seems hard to believe, but it's true.
 
The other day, I hid myself from the usual crowd in an attempt to study for an exam I had the following day.  I needed to do well on this exam (and, by the way, I did), so from about four in the afternoon to two in the morning, I studied, jotting notes down here and there and working through problems.  With the exceptions of Dinner, a few five minute breaks here and there to watch SNL videos on Hulu, and the walk back to my dorm, I was studying fervently for all ten hours.
 
I was a little stressed and had the onsets of a headache at around nine when the suave Ryan and the beautifully diverse Kristi appeared at my side.  I say "appeared" because they literally did and caught me quite off guard.  I was looking down, intently writing in my notebook, when all of a sudden I was startled to find a darkly-colored face peering over my left shoulder.  When I realized it was Kristi, I gave her a backwards hug, which is slightly more awkward than you might think while sitting in a chair.  Luckily, she rides pretty low to the ground, so it wasn't actually that awkward.  At this point, Ryan pushed his arm forward into my face and exclaimed, "Here, we brought you this!" with a big smile on his face.
 
I blinked a few times, stared up and Ryan and Kristi who were both wearing big grins, and back at what Ryan was holding.  I was still a little shaken by the headache, study overload, and surprising appearance of two of my favorites, but the fact that Ryan had put a can of Pepsi in my face didn't help either.  I think it took me a little while to respond, because inwardly I really wanted that Pepsi, and I was trying to think of some way to justify drinking it.  I mean, there it was: a free Pepsi.  I hadn't seen a can or a bottle in over twenty days, and the aluminum looked so deliciously inviting.
"I ... Can't ... Have that ..." I managed to sputter out.

I felt bad saying it because I really wanted that Pepsi, and I knew they had only brought it to me because they knew how much I loved Pepsi and that I was studying for an exam, but I have principles, dang it!  Forty days!  When I start something, I simply must follow it through or I won't be able to live with myself.  Sadly, I am forever required to live with myself, so this forty days will not be broken in a moment of weakness!

Poor Ryan and Kristi tried to apologize because they had forgotten all about the forty days of water thing, and they told me to keep the Pepsi in my fridge until the forty days were up.  Yah ... Right ... I love you guys, but that just wasn't going to happen.  Ryan, being the considerate person that he is, placed the Pepsi on the floor in a prominent place near me. It just sat there, staring at me, torturing me for another hour or so.  Emilie, a fellow Pepsi lover like myself, showed up, I told her the story, and she "hid" the Pepsi (which consisted of putting it under the couch next to us so we wouldn't have to look at it.  We both wanted it.)
 
Even though sometimes my friends forget that I'm fasting from a particular substance, I love them all because they’re still considerate enough to bring me something I love when they know I’m stressing out :).  So, despite your silly forgetfulness Kristi and Ryan, I still love you both. It's the though that counts. Thanks for thinking of me!
 
I will make it these forty days.  Not only will I then be able to help provide many African children with clean water for a year, I'll also have done something good for myself!

Tags: Cedarville, Friends, Soda

That’s the rumor. After all, it’s the thing to do, right? Look at other mammoth companies that used to provide a service for free but now charge for their services: MySpace, YouTube, Google, Xanga, Wikipedia, Hulu ... Oh, wait! All those services are still free. They’re add supported, so they will always remain free.

Even still, people continue to prove their gullibility by falling for such silly rumors, even when the people spreading the rumors don’t even attempt to give a reasoning or source for their claim. I was astounded to find that, as of today, over three million people are concerned that Facebook may become a Premium Service. Even more astounding, the groups have absolutely no solid evidence for this claim, not even evidence that suggest it, yet still people fall for it. They list links or sources of any kind. They don’t even provide reasoning for the suspicion. I’m actually quite convinced that the people who start these groups just didn’t want to title them, “LET’S SEE IF WE CAN GET 5,000,000 PEOPLE TO JOIN THIS GROUP!!!”

I’m here to firstly illustrate why your Facebook Premium cries are ridiculous and then to prove you wrong.

Firstly, you’re using the service you’re threatening to boycott in order to promote your boycott. This is almost as hypocritical and nonsensical as those “We Hate Facebook” groups that are on Facebook. People, do you think before you speak and/or act?

Secondly, your solution to let Facebook know how much you disapprove of this idea is to get as many people as you can to not use Facebook for a day. You know, this isn’t actually a bad idea if you extract it from the fact that you think Facebook is going Premium. It might really benefit all of you if you got out into the sun and participated in true, face-to-face social activity. But even if you did convince three million people to not use Facebook for an entire day, this would most likely accomplish exactly the opposite of what you wanted. Allow me to explain:

Three million people don’t log onto Facebook for a day. Facebook is currently a “free” service (to you) in the sense that all of it’s monetary gains are in the form of ad revenue. A lack of three million users will result in less people clicking on their ads, resulting in less ad revenue for them for that day. While one day of this won’t make a significant difference, a recurring trend of this would cause them to look at alternative business models. Facebook is an actual company, which means they do need to make money, believe it or not. That aside, users are on and off Facebook all the time, probably for days at a time. Even if a blip like that did occur in the site traffic for one day, Facebook would most likely disregard it.

Thirdly, you’re threatening to leave Facebook if they make their service Premium. Really, guys? You don’t think you need Facebook? You who think it would be significant if you didn’t log on to the service for one whole day? You who promote this idea on the very service you’re threatening to leave? You know, you waste countless hours on the site, why not give them a few of your dollars too? I mean, they’re giving you a very extensive and labor intensive service absolutely free.

But Facebook is looking for a business model. Translation: they need a consistent way to make money. Ad revenue is fairly consistent, and quite substantial considering there are 100 million of us that use the service on a regular basis, but even Google, who started their service creating income solely based on ad revenue, now sells products to generate consistent revenue.

Let’s imagine for a minute that Facebook does choose a Premium Service as their business model. Let’s imagine in that choice that Facebook limits the free service to ten status updates per day, photo albums of no more than fifty pictures, and a friend limit of 200 unless you pay them a monthly fee. If you pay them a monthly fee, the limits are lifted and, of course, all ads are taken away. This is called a Premium Service. Even if you were starkly against this, there’s no real way you could fight this, even with your three million strong groups. I believe many of you think the term “Premium Service” means “free version goes away,” but that’s simply not true.

Continuing to imagine, let’s say Facebook charges each user $5 per month for the Premium Service. That means they’ll be making $60 per person per year. Facebook currently delivers to 100 million users for free, so even if 95% of these users don’t value the service enough to pay a measly $6 a month for its full functionality, that still leaves five million Premium Service users. Five million Premium members paying $60 a year to Facebook generates them a revenue of $300 million. With this new income from the Premium members combined with the ad revenue propagated from what’s left of the other 95 million users, Facebook will still be generating far more income than they did before. And those of you who were too snobbish to accept a limited service and refused to actually pay for something you use? Facebook wouldn’t even miss you.

This won’t happen anytime soon, because Facebook currently makes proper figures from the ads on the right that you consistently click on. The people who think it will don’t truly understand the limitless possibilities of an innovative website idea (i.e. Google) and financing it with ads due to the heavy traffic. Facebook has been estimated to be worth upwards of $15 billion dollars. While some say this estimate is too high, it still illustrates that they don’t need to charge for their service.

All of this is completely irrelevant once you consider Principle #7 in The Facebook Principles: “Facebook is a fundamental service.” This being the case, and immediately following that statement, they further explain, “People should be able to use Facebook for free to establish a presence, connect with others, and share information with them. Every Person should be able to use the Facebook Service regardless of his or her level of participation or contribution.”

According to Facebook, The Facebook Principles are the rights and responsibilities of each user, and The Facebook Principles are not subject to change at the whim of the Facebook staff. They are the foundation of the service, and they are not subject to change now, or anywhere in the near future. If they do change, it will only be for the betterment of the users. Hard as it may be to believe, Facebook isn’t actually out to get you.

Tags: Facebook

In a move that no one in the student body was really expecting, Cedarville has officially declared every day as “Casual Friday” ... Sort of. We’re still only allowed to wear t-shirts on Fridays, but will be allowed, starting after Easter Break in April, to wear jeans on every day of the week.

After polling prospective and current students, the majority stated that they would enjoy to freedom to express themselves in manners other than the conservative khakis and dress pants that have previously been required.

This is a decision that a lot of people, including myself, have been eagerly anticipating, though I didn’t think it would happen while I was still a student here. I never minded the dress code to the extent that I would complain about it (because I agreed to come here fully aware of what I would be required to wear), but I do prefer the comfort of wearing jeans, or even simply the ability to make my own choice. I have heard numerous people verbally complain (extensively) about having to wear khakis, and to them I say that they shouldn’t have come to Cedarville. I really just don’t like whining.

Now the dress code has changed, and a new class of complaining has been made: those that don’t want it to change. Why, I’m not sure. If they truly enjoy the comfort of their khakis that much, I encourage them to wear them. They have the choice. And now we have the choice to wear jeans. I also challenge them, if they’re going to so consistently gripe about this change in freedom, to continue to wear khakis for the remainder of the year. Heck, wear them all of next year if you’re really in that much protest over the matter. As they say, “Put your pants where your mouth is.”

The biggest argument I hear is that the “professional” dress that Cedarville used to require is what defines us as a University above all other Christian Universities. That’s not true though. What defines us as a University above other Universities is our character. Christians are known by their actions, not by their appearances. Additionally, the previous dress code disallowed jeans; it in no way promoted a professional look. I saw people wear horribly ugly cargo pants and/or jeans colored other than blue just to get around the dress code. These did not look professional in any way. A formal pair of dark jeans looks far more professional than cargo pants. If Cedarville did maintain its previous dress code to promote a look of professionalism, it was failing.

Hey, if you find yourself ever defined by how you look, or if you think you’re wearing khakis makes you “holier than thou,” I strongly suggest you rethink your mentality towards Christianity.

The other complaint I hear is that this is just the first step toward a downward spiral for Cedarville’s standards. This is equally ridiculous as Cedarville has been liberating itself to adapt to the culture for many years prior to this. You do realize men used to have to wear suits and women were required to wear dresses every day, right? Additionally, Cedarville is still one of only a few other Universities in the country that requires chapel five days a week. Even prestigious graduate school seminaries like Moody Bible only have chapel two or three times a week, and other institutions like Dallas Theological require significantly less consistent attendance at their chapels.

If Chuck’s decided the cafeteria was too full and built a new one in addition to the one we already have so we then had more selection, would you gripe about that too? “What? I have more choices now? But I only really needed pizza!” Hey, eat your pizza then. The rest of us are happy for the broader scope of choice. Stop imposing your own tastes and opinions on others.

Please, I’m asking all of you, stop complaining about Cedarville adapting and relating to the culture around it. There is nothing wrong with this change, and if anything it is beneficial for our school. If you truly dislike the decision that much, it does not have to effect you. It only effects those of us who want to express ourselves differently in how we dress. Now it’s our turn to tell you: “stop whining.”

Tags: Cedarville

Warner Music has always been known as an evil record company. The company continually overvalues its own music to the services that help promote that music. So, naturally, they recently came pounding on Google’s door, demanding a chunk of the cash earned from Warner Music’s music videos viewed on YouTube.

Part of you may be thinking this is a legitimate threat for Warner Music to make. After all, they own the content, right? While that’s true, and Warner does have every legal right to do so, it’s a completely brain dead move. And don’t be confused into thinking this is effecting the artist’s proceeds at all; Warner doesn’t plan on giving the actual musicians any more of a cut, they just want to put their greedy fingers into every pot of gold. Warner Music has never been known for being good to its artists.

Warner’s idiocy is that they’re overlooking the fact that they need Google; that Google and YouTube only promote their content which leads to more incentive to buy music and videos from them. It’s not just Warner Music either. Most of the major record labels who don’t understand their own dependence on services such as YouTube have been demanding their content be removed or that they receive some sort of compensation. Warner, however, has undoubtedly been the most outrageous and most persistent in their terms.

Google made a rather audacious move (according to the record companies) recently in the UK. After being relentlessly attacked for not paying the record companies their “deserved” dues, they have removed all premium content from YouTube (this is not yet in effect in the US). Essentially a move that retorts, “You need us more than we need you.” A move similar to NBC’s removal of their content from the Apple Online Store, though NBC was a little out of place in that move considering it was the one that actually needed Apple.

Now the musicians are lashing out. They want their content back on YouTube because, unlike their owning labels, they recognize the value of free content. The biggest irony is that the record labels themselves are now gripping at Google, demanding that the content be put back on because the record companies are losing money. Google has thus far refused to put the content back on. They haven’t threatened to follow suit in America, but if the record companies continue to gripe for monetary compensation which Google won’t give, it’s very likely.

Hopefully that doesn’t happen. I, for one, enjoy the free publicity YouTube gives up and coming artists, and the record companies need to quit being greedy. But that’s what they’re known for, isn’t it?

Tags: Music

Please stop removing my favorite videos. As of late, it’s becoming very frustrating.

You used to be a place where I could go when sitting with a group of friends, chatting about music or something equally culturally relevant, and when someone would say, “Woah, you haven’t heard? Dude, pull it up on YouTube,” without fail it would be there for us to listen to. Unless it was some obscure Indi band; but we can understand you taking those down. But no longer. I am now forced to find other means of streaming the song for my friends or, even worse, purchase the song off iTunes. I’m sure this is just what you’ve been planning all along, but you know copyright laws are as vague as any, so you’re silly attempts to abide by them by removing all videos you deem “illegal” is just silly.

It’s becoming a bit excessive the rate at which you’re taking these videos off lately. As in, I’ve more than once been watching a video when you take it off. I’ll be half way done with it, the video will freeze, go black, and the words, “This video is no longer available” will appear in its place. This is horribly disappointing, especially as it always seems to happen at the most climactic parts.

It’s even worse than that though. I’ve even see you remove copyrighted content from the copyright holder. Okay, not specifically, since bands don’t usually hold the copyright to their own music once the evil record companies get a hold of it, but ... come on! A band makes a profile, a band posts their videos, and you remove them. If you ask me, bands should have every right to share their own content if they want to. But it doesn’t go just as far as bands as music. Oh no. You’ve taken it levels beyond that.

You know what I find most humorous? You’ve taken off the video that made you. Don’t try to pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about you. You were founded in February, 2005, and the viral video Lazy Sunday from SNL came out in December of the same year. That video is what got the name YouTube to spread all over the country with some 5 million views before it was removed. I realize it was probably NBC Universal that made you remove it, but you should have fought back! You owned that video, YouTube! Now all that can be found are horrible parodies of the thing on your website. Let me tell you, some of those videos in and of themselves should be deemed “illegal” for viewing by the general public.

So you’re scared of the courts and you remove all your copyright movies, music, and music videos. To some degree, I can accept that. Only because I have no idea what 13 million dollars looks like, especially in a lawsuit against. But, again, you don’t stop there.

Why is that I can be reading the funnies over at Cracked, a humor column that frequently embeds your videos into its articles, and the videos get removed from your site before I can even read the article. If you want to talk about anti-climactic, try reading an article where a guy talks up a YouTube video for 1,200 words and when you finally go to click play it says the content has been removed. And even worse, the video isn’t even copyrighted. No, it’s just that some guy watched it, got offended by some religious slur in it, and reported it to you guys, so you chickened out and removed it. I can understand you removing adult content; I can understand you removing horribly graphic content of any kind, really. What I can’t understand is you removing a video of some guy getting hit in the head with a 2-by-4. Look, it’s funny. If somebody finds it disturbing, they probably shouldn’t be on the internet.

Here’s what gets me even more. You leave commercials up. Those are copyrighted. You leave videos of people beating video games in less than ten minutes up. Video games have copyrights. You always leave content from other countries up, for instance, Soviet Winnie the Pooh or pretty much anything from Turkey. I know their copyright laws don’t always apply in the United States, but if we’re going to play by those rules we should all forget about YouTube and just download our content from The Pirate Bay, a Swedish website that you can download anything from full length movies to out of print TV series to full books in PDF format.

Before I end my rant, I do have to speak briefly on behalf of YouTube for some idiots out there. YouTube always removes complete movies. There’s actually logic behind that. You see, a movie company will sue the pants off you (and probably the rest of your wardrobe if they have their way) if you distribute their content. Heck, they won’t give up on The Pirate Bay and they aren’t even under US law. So why do they keep suing them, you ask? Well, because the movie industry is greedy. And stupid. But I digress. My point is, when someone puts up Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring in a twenty-part series on YouTube, it makes perfect legal sense for them to remove it.

So when this genius wonders why YouTube keeps removing it when he uploads the seven parts of the Zeitgeist movie, I can only help but laugh. He claims YouTube is censoring their content. Well, of course they are, but only to protect young children from violent and adult content; YouTube doesn’t have a religious agenda. The reason your video keeps getting removed is because you don’t know the copyright. His argument is that the movie is left on Google Video and that’s it’s available for free at the Zeitgeist Movie’s website, so he’s disgusted with YouTube for constantly removing it. But just because the video is freely available on the director’s website doesn’t mean it’s still not bound by copyright. The owner of the copyright put it on that website, and the owner of the copyright put it on Google Video. This doesn’t give you the right to then take it and put it on YouTube.

On top of that, you do realize YouTube is owned by Google, right? So saying YouTube is stupid for censoring when they leave it on Google Video is just the silly. You, my friend, are paranoid.

This is awkward, because after those three paragraphs it’s difficult to transition back to my original point. You’ll just have to deal with it. My conclusion is, aside from the heavily copyrighted material of full length movies, I’m annoyed with you, YouTube, removing all of my favorite content. Never mind that your tagline is “Broadcast Yourself” and not “Broadcast Sweet Stuff That Other People Made” ... I want my music and music videos back!

Endnote: I’m too tired at the moment to care if I completely contradicted myself in this article. If I did, you can probably figure out my intent behind it. Quit being hypercritical.

Tags: Movies

A disturbing trend seems to be on the rise at Cedarville University: Awkward Lounge Couples. I’m not talking about couples that find themselves in a particular lounge with a few friends just hanging out, I’m talking about Awkward Lounge Couples. Some of you may not find this that unusual, but I, because these Couples can really only be found at Cedarville. You know who you are, Couples.

You’re a disturbance to us all. We can’t concentrate with your awkward presence, gazing into each others eyes, making strange (and apparently romantic) cooing sounds at each other, and talking in that weird I-totally-like-you voice. You know, I’m a fan of relationships and couples and marriage, but you’re doing it all wrong. I’m not expert on relationships, but I’m pretty sure if you disturb everyone around you, you’re doing something wrong.¹

See, it’s frustrating when a group of friends come into an area that has more than enough lounge room only to find a couple (that’s two) taking up an entire couch (made for ten) watching a movie or just sitting awkwardly close, cuddling and talking in that weird voice. Sure, there’s one or two other couches we could pull together to hang out, but we don’t want to do that for two reasons: first of all, it would be rude to you. Since there’s ten of us and only two of you, we would probably dominate the noise level in the area and scare you away.² It would make us happy to do so, but it would also leave us feeling a little rude. Second, if we didn’t end up dominating you out of the area, it would be incredibly awkward for us, even if we tried our best to ignore you.³

The problem with Cedarville University isn’t that it doesn’t have enough lounges. On the contrary, the school has more than enough lounges for people to study in/play games in/watch movies in if people would use them appropriately. The problem lies with the Awkward Couples that take up more than half of the lounges.⁴

Since I know this is probably a shocking revelation to you, finding out that the majority of the school can’t stand you, and since I’m also sure you have no idea how to correct this problem, I’ve provided some less-than-appealing (to you, not us. Though, trust me, they’re good for you.) suggestions for you to keep our lounges friendly to all ages.

• Leave room for Jesus. Really, you don’t need to be practically on top of each other. I know, you think that you’re so awkwardly close that no RA would dare confront you on the matter because it would be more awkward for the RA than it would be for you two. But use some discretion here. This isn’t some Biblical principle I’m calling you out on, it just seems like common sense to me. Is it really healthy for you two to be that close? I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with holding hands or even putting your arm (not to be confused with arms, the plural form) around your significant other. But here’s a good rule to abide by: if someone may be caused discomfort by what you’re doing, it’s probably not appropriate for a lounge.⁵
• Stop watching movies. I understand that Cedarville is a small campus in a small town that doesn’t provide a whole lot for entertainment, but there are other sources with which you may waste your time other than movies. For instance, how about actually talking to each other? Perhaps you could play a game. Anything, really, but watching movies all the time. Answer me this: how will you feel someday when your children ask you, “Mom, Dad, what did you two do in college to get to know each other before you got married?” and you’re forced to answer, “Nothing. Really—Nothing. Only the mindless, non-interactive activity of movie watching.”⁶
• Stop staring at each other. Don’t worry. They won’t disappear if you look away. And those blue eyes will always be there.⁷ Nobody’s going to gouge them out of her.⁸ And if someone is, you probably have more important things to be thinking about so, again, stop staring at each other and contact the authorities. Anyway, you’ve decided to not watch movies, which is good, but instead you spend your time staring awkwardly into each other’s eyes. I suppose there is a time and a place for this because some people do have magnificent eyes (take Kylee for example. I stare into her Baby Blues regularly, but I don’t think I weird anybody out by doing it…I mean, everybody loves her eyes), but it’s not in a lounge making everyone around you feel uncomfortable.⁹
• Hang out with other people. Turns out that when you become a couple with someone, the rest of your friends don’t drop off the planet. It’s true. We actually still want to hang out with you guys (so long as you’re not being disgusting and/or awkward). I hate it be the bearer of bad news, but not all relationships work out, especially those premature and immature ones that are basically built on you two sitting on each other. I’m not saying you’re going to break up, but there’s always that possibility. If that happens and you ditched all your friends when you met your Fancy, who do you have to fall back on? Look, even if you’re not going to break up and you’re quite sure you’re going to get married someday, you’re not off the hook; that’s still not healthy. You need friendships even after marriage (I know, it’s hard to believe).¹⁰

Those are just a few free alternatives. If you start spending money, the possibilities become endless, and we couldn’t be happier if you left campus.

All footnotes are courtesy of Jenna M. Woestman, the blogger responsible for most of the content at jennawoestman.com and who is an actual married woman.

1. So true. I concur, and since I’m married this makes me a marriage expert.
2. Which might not be a bad idea.
3. Creepy Couples are real unhealthy, not to mention totally creepy.
4. One time when I visited Cedarville, I saw like ten Lounge Couples in the DMC or whatever that place is called. TEN. That’s uncalled for.
5. I recommend leaving a Bible in between the two of you because it’s at least six inches wide and will pretty much always remind you to leave room for Jesus. My grandparents did this in college, and they actually have a picture of themselves standing outside a building with a Bible in between them. It’s pretty amazing, so you should follow their example.
6. Also, if you actually do wind up getting married, you may discover you don’t like this person much, that they mostly make you want to poke your eye out, because YOU NEVER TALKED TO THEM WHILE YOU WERE DATING.
7. Ew, sick.
8. Unless if Vikings overrun Cedarville, in which case you’re in trouble anyway.
9. I tried staring at Joey deeply into his eyes at our wedding…but since we never did it before then much it was kinda weird and sort of creepy. Plus he kept making slightly odd faces and telling me to “shhh” because I was trying to talk to him while Sister and Brother were singing, even though Pastor Steve had said we could talk if we wanted. (I’m pretty sure this will be a bone of contention until our dying day. He swears Pastor Steve didn’t say that, I say he did.) Anyways, all that to say you don’t have to stare creepily into one another’s eyes in order to get married.
10. Plus, if you ditch out on all your friends who will you have be your bridesmaids and groomsmen? You can’t just hire people for that job, it’s best if they’re friends. And if you have a ton of siblings and were planning on just picking them, that’s a total cop-out. You still do need friends. Trust me.

Tags: Relationships, Cedarville