Alex's Musings

Booting Linux from a USB Drive (on Apple Hardware)

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2009-09-04T15:37:43-04:00

After hours of frustration and failure, I finally set up a USB bootable Linux distribution that worked on both a BIOS-based PC or EFI-based Apple system. Ten minutes later, I repeated the process with a second distribution.

I’ve been perusing this fine internet of hours all day, reviewing and attempting to complete step-by-step tutorials that were supposed to allow me to do this. Unfortunately, none of them would actually work on my MacBook Pro, as they promised they would. After finally acquiring a resolution, I decided to post my own step-by-step set of instructions that also claimed to work for a BIOS system or an EFI system. Hopefully it actually works for you as it did for me :).

My System, My Recommendation, and My Disclaimer

The systems I was trying to get this work was in conjunction with my out dated, 2008, 2 GHz Intel Core Duo MacBook Pro with a measly 2GB of 667 MHz DDR2 SDRAM. I dual boot between OS X Leopard and Windows 7 using Boot Camp. I plug into a 24” Samsung display and use a Bluetooth Logitech MX 5500 keyboard and mouse set at my desk. Using Slax, all of this was compatible and immediately recognized!! I had absolutely no problems with hardware, so I highly recommend using Slax as your portable Linux distribution. I had success with DSL after initial frustrations (the track pad is not recognized, so I was forced to plug a USB mouse in), and it’s simply not as clean or power of a system as Slax is.

Doing all of this in no way effected positively or negatively the booting, reliability or functionality of OS X Leopard or Windows 7 on my system or Windows XP on any of the BIOS-based systems I ran this on. However, as always, proceed at your own risk.

Setting Up an EFI System

Boot into Mac OS and follow these steps:

Download and install rEFIt.
Restart your computer.

Complicated, huh? The initial restart after installing rEFIt will not show a boot loader, but all following restarts will display a boot loader if multiple bootable systems are attached to your Apple computer or other EFI-based system.

rEFIt will essentially overtake Boot Camp. Before installing rEFIt on my system, when I wanted to boot into Windows 7 I had to hold down the Alt-Option key when booting. Once rEFIt is installed, the boot menu is shown whenever the computer is booted. After a given number of seconds, it will boot into the default operating system, which is usually OS X.

Setting Up a BIOS System

Your BIOS must support the ability to boot from a USB drive. Follow these instructions on a BIOS-based (any standard Windows-based) computer:

Restart your computer.
At some point your computer will inform you that you can press some key to enter the BIOS setup (probably some key like F8, F12, or Del). Hold that key down. If you miss it, restart and try again.
Unfortunately, every computer is different in the BIOS menu setup. Do not change anything you are unfamiliar.
You may need to enable the ability to boot from a USB drive.
You will most likely need to change the boot sequence, moving your USB drive higher than your standard HDD.
Make sure that you save your changes to the BIOS before restarting.

Setting Up Your USB Drive

NOTE: Generally speaking, the instructions given on a portable Linux distribution’s website will tell you to run some bootinst.bat file that will configure your USB drive to boot properly. This will work for most BIOS-based systems, and may work with some distributions on some EFI systems, but it generally would not work for me. The solution given below, theoretically, works on all systems.

In a Windows environment (it’s just easiest that way, trust me), follow these steps:

Download and extract Syslinux. Since we’re in Windows, it’d be most beneficial to download the zip file. Extract it to a convenient location like C:\Syslinux.
Download your favorite portable Linux distribution. It has been verified that this works with DSL (I can’t spell it out ... My Mom reads this!), DSL-N, and Slax.
Plug your USB drive into your computer.
Backup any data on the USB drive you wish to keep! Right-click on the USB drive and select “Format.” Format the drive to either FAT-16 or FAT-32. I recommend FAT-32. A quick format will be fine.
Extract the contents of your favorite portable Linux distribution onto your USB drive using your favorite decompression program.
In Windows XP, click Start then Run, type “cmd,” then press Enter.
In Windows Vista or Windows 7, click Start and simply type “cmd.” Click on the Command Prompt icon to launch it.
From the Command Prompt, navigate to the win32 folder of where you extracted Syslinux. So, in my case, type “cd C:\Syslinux\win32\”.
From the win32 folder of Syslinux, type “syslinux.exe -ma :” where is replaced with the drive letter of your USB drive. Most commonly this will be E or F (it does need to be followed by a colon), but you can verify this by checking in My Computer.
Assuming you don’t receive any errors, your USB drive should now be set up for booting.

Conclusion

In theory, you should now be able restart your system and it will notice that you have a bootable USB drive in the computer (assuming, of course, that you do). If rEFIt opens, use the arrow keys to navigate to your USB drive and press Enter. If your on a BIOS system, you may need to press a key (if it tells you to press a key for the boot menu), but most likely it will pop up with a message telling you to press any key to boot Linux. If you don’t press any key, it may continue into your standard operating system, so you’ll want to strike that Enter key.

I hope this works as well for all of you as it did for me! It’s always handy to have a portable, friendly, and compatible version of Linux in your slacks that you can whip out and use anytime, on any computer.

The Worst Salesman Ever

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2009-08-28T17:35:38-04:00

Last night, Evan, Jacob, Dave, and I decided to journey to Wal-Mart for a few things and to conclude our outing with a trip to PetSmart where we could buy a few fish. Dave and I still had our fish tank from last year, and Evan and Jacob were planning on purchasing a new tank.

Our experience at Wal-Mart was largely uneventful; we got what we needed and headed on to PetSmart. We arrived at PetSmart and our first suspicion was that it was closed. Apparently the chain likes to make their large, sliding, glass doors extremely tinted so customers can barely see inside. Anyway, it wasn't closed (even though the hours on the front door said it closed at 7pm and it was 8:30pm). We received a dirty look from a salesman as we entered, but since the doors were unlocked, we entered without pause and made our way to the fishy section.

Over the summer I had two fish: a Molly and a Platy, tropical fish which need filtration and enjoy warm water. I have a 2.5 gallon tank with filtration, but since my room is always fairly warm and I had a lamp directly above the water, I figured that would be warm enough for them. Considering they lived for over three months (and one of them may potentially still be alive, depending on how well he likes the cows' water tank), I figured another one or two of those fish would be a good buy. Anyway, Dave and I were sick of Bettas. I've had numerous Bettas in my lifetime, and aside from Zapato (whom Dave and I managed to keep alive for over three months ... It would have been longer if he hadn’t a nasty run in with boiling water from the faucet), I've never been able to keep a Betta alive for longer than a week or two. Besides, Bettas are generally pretty lame unless you put them in a tank with other fish which they hate (namely, their own kind).

Demetrius and Bruno, the two fishes I had this summer, were quite active and played hide-and-seek and tag frequently throughout their days. They seemed quite happy.

After about fifteen minutes of debating, we made our decision: we'd get two different Mollies. Together, we wandered the store and summoned Jimmy, an apparent resident expert on all things fish. As we rounded the isle back to the fish section, our conversation with Jimmy went something like this:

Jimmy: “So, what are we looking at here?”
Me: “Well, I think we’re going to go with two Platies.”
Jimmy: “How big is your tank?”
Me: “2.5 gallons.”
Jimmy: “That’s not big enough for Platies.”
*long awkward silence*
Me: “Okay ... Um. Well, how big to Platies get?”
Jimmy: “They’ll grow to be about three or four inches when they’re full size.”
Me: “How long does it take them to grow that much?”
Jimmy: “Two or three months.”
Me: “Okay. Cuz, see, I’ve had Platies before. And Mollies. And they seemed to like my tank just fine.”
Jimmy: “Do you have a heater?”
Me: “No.”
Jimmy: “Well, they need a heater. They’re tropical fish, so the water temperature needs to be around seventy-five degrees.”
*long awkward silence*

It’s worth noting that, during these long awkward silences, Jimmy just stared at us. He didn’t bother offering up any advice to us like, “For a tank that size, I would recommend ...” or, “We actually sell heaters for *insert price* in isle *insert proper isle number*!” No, he just stared at us waiting to shoot down whatever our next decision might be.

Me: “Okay. Well ... Um. How about Mollies? I’ve had those before.”
Jimmy: “They need at least a ten gallon tank.”

Dave and I both looked at the tank which the Mollies were currently being held in, a clearly less than ten gallon tank holding well over thirty pretty, yellow Mollies.

Me: “I guess they probably need a heater too, huh?”
Jimmy: “Pretty much any of the fish on this wall will need a heater, since they’re tropical.”
Me: “They need a heater, or they like a heater?”
Jimmy: “They need a heater.”
Me: “Ok. Fine. What fish would you recommend for my 2.5 gallon, non-heated tank?”
Jimmy: “I mean, pretty much your best bet is going to be a Betta. They’ll live the longest in that environment.”

Dave and I looked at each other, both fairly perturbed at this guy.

Me: “No. Bettas are lame. They’re more expensive, and the Molly and Platy I had lived longer than all of my other Bettas combined, minus Zapato. He was a rare case.”
*long awkward silence*

After shuffling our feat on the floor waiting for Jimmy to recommend something, anything other than what his customer obviously didn’t want, I finally said to Dave in about as exasperated a tone as I could muster, “Alright, well, I guess we aren’t getting any fish then.”

Jimmy didn’t seem too saddened by this. I think he may have actually been happy that we had chosen not to torture the large, tropical fish in our cold, 2.5 gallon tank. It’s worth mentioning that neither the Molly nor the Platy I had grew much past the size they were when I purchased them.

On an unlucky trip, this would be where the story ended. But this wasn’t just an unlucky trip, it was a trip of absolutely no success. Negative success, actually, if you count gas spent. Jimmy turned his attention (after we regained it by force, that is) to Evan and Jacob. They figured they would just get a bunch of goldfish and put them in the 2.5 gallon tank they had grabbed from the shelf. After all, Goldfish are only twenty-seven cents; if one dies, it’s only a quarter!

Evan: “I think we’re going to get a couple of Goldfish.”
Jimmy: “Are you going to put them in that tank there?”
Evan: “Well, yes.”
Jimmy: “That tank isn’t big enough for Goldfish. And, anyway, they need a heater.”
Evan: “Oh. Does this come with a heater?”
Jimmy: “No.”
*long awkward silence*
Evan: “Okay. Well. What fish can we get?”
Jimmy: “For that tank, I’d say you’re going to be best off getting a Betta.”

At this point Dave and I came out from our laughing spot in one of the isles.

Me: “You don’t want to get a Betta. They’re lame.”
Evan: “Yah, we really don’t want a Betta.”
Jimmy: “Well, without a heater that’s really going to be your best bet.”
*long awkward silence*
Jacob: “What if we just got a bowl and put a fish in it? What fish then?”
Jimmy: “A Betta would live best in a bowl, since there’s no filtration or heating.”

The details are a little foggy past this point. If I recall correctly, there was a far too long awkward pause and then Jimmy managed to wander off to mac on some ladies he had seen in another isle (it’s worth noting that the ladies were clearly trying to get away from him). Evan and Jacob ducked into the isle Dave and I had retreated to again.

Evan: “Do we seriously need a heater for a Goldfish?!”
Me: “This guys full of crap. Just put the tank away and we’re coming back another day when there’s somebody here that will actually let us buy what we want.”

We put the 2.5 gallon tank back on its shelf. The one that, according to Jimmy, wasn’t suitable for any fish besides a Betta. The one that also had large words on the front of the box that read, “Goldfish Starter Tank.” And we left the store, never to return (at least not when Jimmy’s working). We’re pretty sure Jimmy must secretly be working for PETA or something. With that in mind, it seems Jimmy has successfully saved a few fish from almost certain chills and ultimate death! Unfortunately, he lost the sales of around $10 worth of fish and a $25 fish tank. Still, I’m sure his manager will be proud.

Apple vs. Microsoft; The Continuing (and Flawed) Debate

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2009-08-05T15:28:21-04:00

This is something I’ve been mulling over for the last couple of months, but it wasn’t until hearing the continued “Apple or Microsoft” arguments at camp this week that I was finally moved to write this. So, in a manner of speaking, this one’s for you, Jesse and Joe. Oh, and Erin, I’ll try to make this as witty as possible so, well, you know.

Ten years ago, after being introduced to someone and learning that they enjoyed using these things called “computers,” it would have been absurd to ask them such a silly question as, “Do you prefer Mac or PC?” What a silly question. Who used Macs?! Those things were lame! But in this modern age, where Apple actually holds claim to a portion of the market share worth nodding your head at, it’s a reasonable and quite common question. For me, a student in college studying computers and programming, this question is frequently asked in conjunction with, “What are you majoring in?”
“Computer Science.”
“And you have a Mac?”
“Yes.”
“Isn’t that a problem?”
“Why would that be a problem?”
“I don’t know. Can’t you, like, not program on Macs or something?”
“Pretty sure Macs still have applications, which means someone obviously must be programming them.”
“But isn’t it, like, easier to program on a PC or something?”
“When was the last time you wrote a program yourself?”
“Well, I haven’t.”
“Stop talking.”

And here lies the biggest error in our existence: we argue things we have no business arguing. You try to convince me that it’s harder to do sophisticated things like program on a Mac when you yourself have no knowledge of programming! This is a high level issue which I don’t really plan on spending much time on, but let me just make it clear that a large percentage of languages these days are interpreted, and nearly all internet languages are interpreted. This means that if an application is written in an interpreted language, it can be run on any platform that has an interpreter for it installed. Languages that aren’t interpreted, C++ for example, can almost always be compiled natively to any desired platform. So no, it’s not harder to program on a Mac, it’s just different, and you’re most frequently taught (in the classroom) to program in the Windows environment.

But let’s flee from such trivial issues as application development and return to the more prevalent flawed arguments that (apparently) plague the average computer user.

People want to compare Apple and Microsoft, but they fail to understand that Apple and Microsoft are two companies competing on two very different playing fields. Microsoft is, for the most part, a software development firm with a few ties in the hardware industry (namely the Zune and the Xbox, two things unrelated to its operating systems). Apple is, for the most part, a computer manufacturer that has developed a proprietary operating system that runs flawlessly on the hardware it manufactures (or at least uses and claims as its own). If we’re arguing the stupidity of Apple as a company, sure, let’s rag on the fact that the MacBook Air doesn’t have an optical drive; to me, that’s a crucial piece of hardware that Apple has left out of the design. However, if we’re ragging on Apple as a company in comparison to what you think is Microsoft’s superiority, you can’t use this argument. Microsoft doesn’t even make a computer, with or without an optical drive, to defend itself, so who cares if the MacBook Air has an optical drive or not ... At least it’s a computer!

People are quick to point out that Apple overcharges their customers. It’s true, an Apple computer costs more than a Windows-based Dell or Samsung, but you’re paying for an entirely different product. Again, Apple is a computer manufacturer. That means you’re paying more for an operating system and the hardware it runs on--the hardware that it’s ensured to run on--the hardware that the company has insured and will repair or replace, if needed. Conversely, a third-party company such as Sony is responsible for ensuring the computers they manufacture will run Microsoft’s operating system. Since this third-party company is not directly affiliated with the software you put on it, they can’t as easily get away with charging more.

Apple absolutely charges more for their products, much more than many would be willing to pay. If you’re unwilling to pay the additional luxury tax for their hardware/software combinations, you’re entitled to purchasing a Windows-based system and living with that. Of course, that’s yet another perk to an Apple computer: you can install Windows on them. This being the case, there is, in fact, absolutely nothing a Windows-based computer designed by Toshiba can do that an Apple manufactured computer cannot do. In fact, Windows-based computers are less compatible for this reason. Yet another reason you’ll pay more for Apple’s.

Additionally, Apple is known as an elite brand. Like Jordan’s, like Porsche. You may not think they’re elite--I think Jordan’s are silly--but your personal opinion doesn’t define the way things are. Because Apple manufactures its own hardware and writes its own software to run on this hardware, it has more of a proprietary right to charge more for its products. Since people like having a more ensured chance of reliability (hardware and software being designed by the same firm), they’re willing to pay more for this assurance. As long as people keep paying, Apple will keep overcharging. I firmly believe Apple charges more than they reasonably should for their computers. That doesn’t mean I won’t pay that price to own one of their products, which I do believe are superior.

Hardware-based comparisons aren’t really part of the Apple and Microsoft operating systems comparison discussions since Microsoft will always lose. It has no hardware that it has designed to defend itself with. If you honestly want to argue hardware, you have to compare Apple to a computer manufacturer such as Dell. Apple still charges more, but Apple also has more hardware/software compatibility and more support since it can run Windows, OS X, or any Linux distro. (This is, of course, assuming legality; obviously you can get an unlocked copy of OS X and install it on your Dell.)

Finally, there’s my favorite argument: the market share. First I would like to say, “Who cares?” Apple certainly doesn’t. Throw out the small, single-digit numbers that are Apple’s market share if you like, but that doesn’t change the fact that Apple’s first-quarter revenue in 2009 was something like $10 billion, which is a continually growing figure. They have $25 billion in the bank and no debt. The company is more than financially stable, and I’m sure if you tried to emotionally stab Steve Jobs or any of the execs at Apple with the market share argument, they would laugh in their face as they pulled away in their Porsche.

It’s interesting that computer manufacturing market share is such a hot topic. Has anyone ever cared to look at market shares in, say, the automobile industry? Some of the largest and most reliable companies, Honda for instance, have single-digit percenteges of the market share. The elite companies such as BMW and Porsche obviously have significantly less than that. But do you think Honda is hurting? Coincidently, the companies that are hurting are the ones with the significant holds on the market, such as GM (around 30%) and Ford (around 15%). Windows-based products hold the majority of the market share, but this statistics doesn’t take into account that many Apple users, myself included, raise this share because I run Windows on my MacBook Pro. Seems like that statistic may be a little misleading then, eh?

Since you’ve forced me to talk about market shares, let’s add one more key factor into the mix. Market share only promises accuracy on newly bought units, not units active. Apple computers are said to be more reliable and to last longer (though I don’t have a source that actually confirms a statistic like this, it’s just hearsay), thus they are more frequently passed down and not upgraded. If a $300 Dell only lasts you one year and you buy a new one, you increase Dells market share. My MacBook Pro is over three years old and still running perfectly fine, even on this “old” hardware, so though I would love to purchase a new laptop, I have no need to. Thus I’m not helping increase Apple’s market share. Yet I am helping to increase the Windows market share over market share, because I will soon be purchasing Windows 7 to install on my MacBook Pro.

Some says Apple’s just aren’t as intuitive as the company claims in their commercials. They really do get viruses, and their commercials give their users a false sense of security. They aren’t as reliable as the company promises. Well, it’s advertising; every company make exaggerated claims. Microsoft is guilty of misleading commercials. Their Laptop Hunter ads, for example, show a price tag for an Apple product of over $2,000, but they then zoom in on an old MacBook (which is around $1,000). Technically, Macs can get viruses. I’ve never even run in to so much as a security threat in my experience. Having never used anti-virus software and having owned an Apple computer for over three years, I feel pretty comfortable advising my friends that they don’t need virus protection on their Mac, at least for now. (Coincidently, you have Apple’s small share of the market to thank for this.)

“So why does Apple make such negative ads towards Microsoft, but Microsoft, for the most part, doesn’t defend itself? Does this make Microsoft a more mature company?” Not really. These ad campaigns from Apple and lack of ad campaigns from Microsoft are for two main reasons: firstly, Microsoft is huge. They don’t need to spend as much on their advertising because everybody already knows who they are and uses them. Secondly, if you purchase an Apple product, Microsoft most likely won’t lose anything. I still boot into Windows XP (and soon to be Windows 7), and I still run Microsoft Office (on both the Mac and PC side, so Microsoft has actually made two sales from me). However, if you purchase a Windows-based machine, you will not be unable to install OS X on it, therefore Apple will have lost a sale. This is why Apple is so much more aggressive in the advertising campaigns.

In conclusion, are Apple computers better products? Not necessarily. Are Macs virus free? Not necessarily. Does Windows crash more than OS X? Sort of. Windows XP crashed a whole lot more for me than my OS X has, but OS X crashed on me just yesterday. It was low on battery and should have gone into sleep mode--instead, the screen just turned grey and it froze and I was forced to do a hard shutdown. Are Macs easier to use and more intuitive? Well, that’s entirely a personal decision. I’ll tell you this though, if you don’t like the OS X operating system on your Apple computer, all you need do is install the Windows operating system (or any other operating system) that you’re familiar with on your Apple computer. So Macs are more reliable and will never break? Not necessarily. If you throw your laptop at the ground, it will most likely shatter. Just a few months ago, my optical drive quit working. Two days later, it started working again. I have yet to find reasons for either it’s random breaking and miraculous healing.

The fact of the matter is, a decision to buy a Windows-based machine or an Apple computer is an entirely personal decision. If you’re willing to pay more for a computer that’s proven to be more reliable and satisfactory to according to Consumer Reports, that is more compatible because it will run any operating system, and that is more secure (every top security analysts agrees that you don’t need virus protection, and the Unix kernel is proven to be more secure), I’d say go for a Mac. Otherwise, settle for a Toshiba that, in all likelihood, will last you half as long.

But when I hear such staggeringly ironic reports that the initial benchmarks for Windows Vista scored highest on Apple hardware than they did on any computer that was designed to optimally run it, well, you can be the judge of the companies you think are superior and inferior.

I Spoke too Soon

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2009-07-17T13:37:44-04:00

Yesterday, after blogging about how my two fish have lived the entire summer through, Bruno kicked the bucket. After not seeing him and Demetrius play tag all day, I grew suspicious and looked into the tank. He was no where to be found. Not behind his favorite plant, not chasing Demetrius, not hiding behind the filter. This concerned me. I then looked under the filter. There was poor Bruno, dead and stuck to the air intake.

I suppose this is what I get for boasting publically of their long life, and I’m personally blaming Kylee for making me write that blog post, which led to me discussing their life, which clearly led to Bruno’s death. Kylee, this is putting a pretty big damper on our friendship right now. I just ... I ... I can’t talk about this right now ...

How to Handle Four-Way Stops

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2009-07-22T22:12:54-04:00

Four-way stops, which should be a very simple concept and brief encounter to a vehicle operator, appear to be a maneuver of deadly precision, one that should be approached cautiously and with great hesitation. At least, that’s the impression I get from the majority of American drivers. Some have gone as far as to call the four-way stop the “Driver’s IQ Test.” If that truly is the case, the most drivers are complete idiots since they fail four-way stop miserably.

The four-way stop seems to a thing of endless complexity and great fear even among experienced drivers. Daily I cringe when approaching a four-way stop only to be cutoff when it’s clearly my turn, or worse, allowed to go when it is obviously not my turn. In hopes that the entirety of America will read this blog post, adhere to it, and grant me my sanity again when driving, I’ve compiled a list of the (very simple, mind you) concepts and complications present at a four-way stop. Mikey, this one’s for you!

How to Handle Four-Way Stops: The Dummies Guide

The simplicity of the four-way stop can easily be shown in these few key concepts.

A four-way stop is any intersection with a stop sign in each direction, a flashing red light in each direction, or a broken traffic light should be treated as a four-way stop normally would.
Four-way stops are usually (but not always) labeled as such, having a rectangular sign below the octagonal shape which reads something to the effect of, “4-Way Stop,” “Four-Way Stop,” or “All-Way Stop.”
Each driver arriving at a four-way stop must first come to a stop, then one driver proceeds at a time.
If turning, as you approach a four-way stop engage your turn signal about one hundred feet prior to reaching the stop sign. The four-way stop is one of the most crucial places for using your turn signal compared to almost any other driving situation.
Four-way stops always operate in a clockwise direction.
If multiple cars approach a four-way stop at about the same time, the driver who comes to a complete stop first proceeds first.
If two or more cars arrive at a four-way stop simultaneously, the driver furthest to the right always proceeds first, and each next driver in the clockwise direction follows.
If four cars arrive at a four-way stop simultaneously, drivers going straight should proceed first. If all four are turning right, they may all proceed simultaneously. These aside, there is no distinguishable way to see who should go first, so the intersection is at a standstill until one driver gets up the nerve and begins to inch forward, alerting the other drivers of his or her intentions, and proceeds through the intersection (thus starting the clockwise rotation).
If two cars opposite each other are proceeding straight, both turning right, or one proceeding straight with the other turning right, they may go at the same time. The turn then goes to the adjacent cars at the stop, who may follow the same rule if applicable.

Complications (or Simplifications, Depending on How You Look at It)

Of course, complexities inevitably arise. Follow these tips to avoid adding further miscommunication to the situation.

Pedestrians always have the right of way. Please do not run anyone over simply because you think it’s your turn to go; it may very well be your turn to go, but if a pedestrian is in a crosswalk that interferes with your desired path, do not go.
You must always stop at a four-way stop, whether you’re in downtown Chicago with lines of cars at the intersection or in rural Bismarck with not a car in the foreseeable horizon. Of course, I’m perfectly fine with the rolling stop in such instances, but don’t assume that just because you don’t immediately see someone you shouldn’t at least slow down to a few miles per hour at the intersection.
If you’re desired path does not interfere with any of the other drivers--for instance, if you are turning and none of the other drivers at the four-way stop need to use the road you’ll be turning right onto--you may turn right while another car is going straight or turning onto a different road.
Some drivers will ignore all the rules of the four-way stop and ignorantly assume that they have the right of way, since they are clearly the center of everyone’s universe. Even if it is your legal turn to proceed forward, always do so with caution, being wary of idiot drivers who may be too hasty to wait another ten seconds for you to clear the intersection.
Some drivers will not use their turn signal when approaching a four-way stop. This may cause you to suspect, for instance, that it is safe to proceed straight because the car opposite you seems to be going straight. However, the oblivious person driving towards you actually plans on turning left, thus crossing your path when you attempt to drive straight. Be wary of such stupid drivers, as they can occasionally look like actual people.
Disgustingly polite drivers mean death to a four-way Stop. If you encounter one such annoying person who incessantly waves you on, just go or you will simply add to the problem. Honking and waving your arms in the air in disgust is an appropriate reaction to ensure that he knows you’re not impressed with his or her attempted “chivalry.” If his or her apparent significant other is in the car, this is most likely the reasoning for this, so be sure to shake your head, furrow your eyebrows, and mouth, “Oh, really?”
Similarly, there are the completely oblivious drivers. They make their complete stop and completely forget the order of all things around them. Though it is rightfully their turn, they stare blankly at you refuse to make eye contact with anyone at the intersection, knowing very well they’re an idiot. Attempt to wave them on with a kind gesture, politely showing them that it is their turn, but if they refuse to go, the person directly to their left should proceed instead, continuing the clockwise circle.
Cell phones. In recent years, they may be one of the biggest complications to a four-way stop. If you are approaching a four-way stop and feel you may not be able to perform at your peak while continuing the conversation with whoever could be so important, please, put it down. I don’t eve care if you hang up, but take it away from your ear. This accomplishes more than you would think. First of all, it allows your focus to be on you’re driving, as it already should have been. Second, it allows you to not focus on the person on the other end of space, but to focus on the drivers who are actually present at the intersection with you. Thirdly, it gives the other drivers a sense of security; a feeling that maybe you do actually know what you’re doing, or at least that you’re trying and paying. If they see a cell phone, you’re just going to anger them, potentially causing road rage, a real condition which thousands of Americans suffer from on a daily basis.
If any emergency vehicle is approaching from any direction, pull over; they get the right of way everywhere, including a four-way stop. Duh.
THIS ISN’T A FOUR-WAY STOP. Frequently, people will observe cross lanes of traffic instead of following the road they’re on. This leads to people approaching a two-way stop, assuming it’s a four-way stop, and stopping when their have no stop sign an, in fact, have the right of way. This causes much confusion and potentially chaos as the drivers of the cross street can’t figure out what to do until the genius who actually has the right of way goes, usually after realizing he was never supposed to stop in the first place.

That just about does it, I’d say. The thing to realize is that four-way stops are ridiculously simple, so simple, in fact, that most people over think them. This, of course, leads to complications as listed above, which proper drivers like yourself and me then have to remember when approaching a four-way stop. It is important to realize that, no matter how well you know how to follow the rules of a four-way stop, the oblivious woman across from you may not have a clue what she’s doing, and the cell phone and hair straightener she’s holding certainly aren’t helping her concentration at all.

At a four-way stop, follow the rules, look out for Number 1 (don’t be polite), and, most importantly, be observant! Maybe someday this country will figure out how to keep their cool when pulling up to a stop sign.

Information You Won't Find Useful, Vol. 1

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2009-07-15T22:42:01-04:00

Kylee reprimanded me for not blogging enough. While this is a very valid accusation, I’ve decided to oblige her in only the most annoying sort of way. So here you go, Kylee. A blog post just for you. Enjoy.

Visa Overcharges Customers

There’s no way this can work out in a positive manner for Visa’s reputation. I mean, they overcharged individual customers to the amount of $23 quadrillion (each), according to CNN. That’s right, some Visa cardholder’s received their monthly statement and had the heart attack of the century upon seeing certain “purchases of goods” to the dollar amount of $23,148,855,308,184,500.00.

To Visa’s credit, they quickly admitted that it was a “temporary programming error ... [which] caused some transactions to be inaccurately posted.” They say some transactions. Roughly 13,000 transactions, actually. Well, at least they caught it, right? But isn’t it scary to think that a programming error could cause such a huge mishap? And more importantly, what the heck did the programmer do to cause such an error.

Well, for those of you familiar with C++, it doesn’t take too long to figure it out. The error was in the amount of 2314885530818450000 (we multiplied by 100 to get rid of the nasty change). If we convert that number to hexadecimal, it comes out to be 20 20 20 20 20 20 12 00. 20 in hexadecimal is a whitespace character, so it’s likely that a conversion was never made and the customers really made purchases for $46.08.

An Online Operating System?

That’s what Google says, anyway. Better yet, they claim they can have it ready for delivery by the end of next year! Microsoft, of course, is in shock, but this isn’t all that surprising considering their OS turn around is something under five years ... If they work really fast.

The Google Chrome OS has led to talk of booting Google’s CEO off of Apple’s board. After all, that would just be a nasty conflict of interest, what with Apple being a major OS distributor as well.

Google claims that the new OS will be written from the ground up (like they did when the “reinvented” the browser with Chrome), will be a system built atop the Linux kernel, and will boot and “get users onto the web in seconds.”

Microsoft’s CEO, Steve Ballmer, has laughed at the new OS. I don’t know if he thinks it’s a joke or if he was scoffing at the reality of it, but I seem to recall him laughing at the iPhone a year before it’s release as well and, well, making some rather audacious (and now embarassing) statements about it in this video. Based upon that evidence, and how successful the iPhone has become today, I’d say the new Google Chrome OS is going to be revolutionary, to say the least.

Demetrius and Bruno Live

Near the end of our semester at Cedarville, there was an unfortunate accident involving cold-blooded animals and hot water coming out of the faucet. Now I’m not going to point any fingers, but Dave was the one changing the water in the tank ... Needless to say, there was a seizure and the fishes died. There was much mourning and sorrow.

At the beginning of the summer, I cleaned my room. This is a regular occurrence for me, but in this particular cleaning I came across my 2.5 gallon fish tank which was empty. I thought to myself, “The tank and filter are the expensive parts ... Fishes are cheap!” I quickly drove to PetSmart and purchased two little fish: a Platy and a Molly. One was red, the other black. The black one I named Bruno, and the red one was called Demetrius (names compliments of an afternoon of boredom for Evan and me).

After these three months of summer, Demetrius and Bruno are still kickin’! I’m now getting slightly worried about the eight hour trip back to school. I’m really hoping they can survive it so we can see how much longer these guys will keep on sticking with us. If you have any good ideas for safely transporting said fishes from Iowa to Ohio, drop me a line.

So, Michael Jackson is Dead

That’s the rumor, anyway, though there are still those that believe it’s all a marketing ploy. And, you know, that’d be a pretty good idea considering sales have never been better for him, especially on iTunes. After Jackson’s death, six of the top ten songs sold on iTunes were Michael Jackson’s hits. More significantly, nine out of the top ten albums also belonged to Jackson! Nineteen out of the top twenty-five music videos had Michael Jackson in them as well.

I can’t say that I blame the world. I mean, he was a legendary artist, and I don’t think there will ever be another musician that will be able to attain the caliber of Jackson. Despite his social record, he holds the spot as one of my all-time favorite performers, and within two days after his passing, I listened through his entire discography as a tribute. Yes, I do own his entire discography ...

Please Try to Compile Your Code ... Seriously

I’ve been running into this annoyance a lot lately, especially at work. Honestly, how hard is it to just make sure the code in your tutorial actually compiles before you submit it, huh? I’ll tell you: it’s not that hard. Dropping it into UltraEdit and running GCC on it is about the most complicated way to do it, but you could obviously just paste it in an IDE and check it that way as well. I don’t care if it runs, necessarily, just make sure it compiles. You’re trying to teach people with your code, for goodness sake. What kind of an example are you setting if the code you’re “teaching” them with sucks?

Frequently I stumble upon tutorials, and as I’m reading through them I think, “Wait, that can’t work. Will that really compile? I thought ‘Class’ was lowercase in C++ ... And why isn’t there a semicolon at the end of this line? Shouldn’t they have included this library?” Out of curiosity, I grab the code and try to compile it myself and, sure enough, it craps out on me. The common misconception is that, “Well, this code is never meant to be compiled, it’s just an example.” But that’s just the point! It’s supposed to be an example ... And it’s wrong!!

Nine times out of ten this is a trivial issue, but I’ve run into instances where the broken code is what I’m trying to interpret, and it’s really hard to interpret something when you’re first trying to figure out if it’s right in the first place. How do you expect me to know if it’s right or not if you’re supposed to be teaching it to me?

Sometimes the errors are just syntactical. Those are bad enough. The worst is when you try to compile a tutorial’s example code and it causes something catastrophic, like a segfault. Please, for the sake of those you’re trying to teach, make sure what you’re teaching is accurate!

Microsot Wants to Give You Anti-Virus Support for FREE

After Microsoft OneCare failed worse than Windows Vista and the Zune combined, Microsoft took some well deserved time off from the Security Protection field of computing. They needed to rethink things. In steps code name “Morro.” What is Morro? Well, it’s pretty much Microsoft OneCare ... But for free ... And apparently better. And it’s supposedly going to be bundled with Windows 7. OneCare failed because it was accused, numerous times, of being “unable to detect a significant number of threats.” I guess Morro plans to be better?

There are already two excellent and free alternatives to the Symantec and McAfee subscription services out there made by Avast and AVG. Microsoft’s Morro soon to be the third free alternative, both Symantec and McAfee are saying that they aren’t worried about their sales being effected by these free products, even with Morro bundled with the Microsoft OS. According to the CEOs of the Big Boy companies, a free alternative just can’t guarantee the security that users need while browsing today’s malicious internet; you need more than just anti-virus support, and that’s what the Premium services give you. While I agree that you need more than just anti-virus support, there are many other prevention companies out there that offer the same services for free that the Big Boys offer at a hefty price.

Whether you’re interested in paying for Symantec’s services or you’re willing to settle for the free Morro that will soon come with your Windows operating system, it’s good for the Big Boy’s to have some healthy competition to keep their products quality and their prices low. Though I can’t say that security competition from Microsoft is any incentive for Symantec and McAfee to keep their quality high ... But we can hope.

That’s all I’ve got for now. We’ll see how long it takes me to come up with more Information You Won’t Find Useful.

So You're Scared of the Swine Flu?

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2009-05-04T14:39:23-04:00

President Obama,

Long time fan, first time writer.

With all due respect, and I don’t want this to come across as harsh or anything because I’m totally down with having you in office, but what’s the deal with you incorporating the Swine Flu “situation” into your First 100 speech? I just really don’t think medical affairs, especially ones as insignificant as the Swine Flu really is, should be addressed by the President of the United States. Why? Because when the President talks about things, people listen. I understand this new disease is a scary and unknown thing.

I’m fully aware that people have died from the Swine Flu, a strain of the H1N1 Influenza A virus, and that there isn’t a cure or treatment available for it at this time. Even still, it’s really not as big of a deal as you’re making it out to be, and you getting on national news and alerting the public that the government is getting involved, labeling it a “serious situation,” and calling it a huge risk to the American public is just the perfect set up for fear breeding in our fair country.

It doesn’t really matter if you directly follow your comments with reassuring statements of how to avoid getting the infection (instructions that sound scarily similar to what we’re told in every doctor’s office to avoid any infection: wash your hands, don’t take public transit, skip school, etc.), that there’s no need to panic, and that you’ve requested $1.5 billion from Congress to help fight this new strain of the flu. The issue lies with the naivety of the American public and how much they look up to you. I think you’re failing to understand that when you issue a press release about an incurable disease and using big words like “pandemic,” people are going to stark freaking, even if you tell them not to.

In order to calm the American public on this issue and to heighten their awareness of real world issues, I have retrieved a few statistics and facts of my own in order to illustrate how big of a deal the Swine Flu is not. First let’s start with a few definitions for our own understanding:

pandemic: occurring over a wide geographic area and affecting an exceptionally high proportion of the population.
epidemic: affecting or tending to affect a disproportionally large number of individuals within a population, community, or region at the same time.
plague: an epidemic disease causing a high rate of mortality.

By these definitions, and as it is being portrayed by President Obama and the Mainstream Media, Swine Flu is a pandemic as there are confirmed cases worldwide. But the Swine Flu doesn’t actually fit to any of the above definitions, and in the following paragraphs I will illustrate why.

After one confirmed death in the United States, you called this a “serious situation.” Really, Obama? One death renders a situation serious? If that’s the case, we have a lot of serious situations on our hands. Why aren’t you asking Congress for billions of dollars to throw at those problems? Since you like to throw monetary numbers at situations you deem serious and can’t (but still want to) control, I’ll throw a few of my own numbers around. Numbers of things that actually are serious situations but are completely overlooked by most of America and the world.

According to the CDC, in the United States alone:
-Heart disease kills about 650,000 people annually.
-Cancer is responsible for nearly 560,000 deaths annually.
-Strokes, respiratory disease, and accidents cause over 350,000 fatalities annually.
-Around 75,000 lives are taken by diabetes annually.
Malnutrition is either directly or indirectly responsible for more than 5 million painful deaths in the world every year. Over 300,000 of those deaths are in children under the age of five.
More than 50% of Africans suffer from water-related diseases. This could be resolved if more countries had access to clean water.
Statistically, a child dies every three seconds either directly or indirectly from HIV/AIDS, usually before their fifth birthday. It’s horrible that we should have to call these children “statistics.”
Many countries in Africa, Swaziland and Zimbabwe for example, reported in 2003 that over 30% of the population was infected with HIV/AIDS.
When it was popular, the Black Plague, one of the deadliest pandemics in human history, caused 75 million deaths worldwide.
There are 200,000 estimated cases of Yellow Fever every year in the world, 30,000 of which will result in death annually.
Seasonal Influenza infects nearly five million humans annually worldwide and causes between 250,000 and 500,000 deaths each year.

I realize comparing something as miniscule as the Swine Flu to something as huge as the Black Plague is highly disproportionate, but with the hype it’s getting, some might actually buy that comparison. I did almost forget to provide the startling statistics from the Swine Flu infections and deaths, didn’t I? According to WHO (World Health Organization), there are nearly 1,500 confirmed cases of the Swine Flu with exactly 30 confirmed deaths. I’m not meaning to demean the value of human life. I am, however, trying to illustrate how ludicrous it is that our country is blowing an infection of such miniscule proportions to such a grand size. Thus far, Swine Flu, a strain of Influenza A, is responsible for 0.006% as many deaths as Influenza is annually.

My point is not to mock those who have been infected or died due to the Swine Flu. I just wonder why our government is involved in something this small, something the WHO is handling, when there are clearly people dying every second because they have no funds to purchase clean water and food. They have no money. And we’re throwing $1.5 billion at something that a confirmed thirty people have died from worldwide, only two of which have been in our own country. I’m sorry, but something just doesn’t seem right about this, President Obama. Why don’t we take our wealthy government’s money and put it to a good, responsible, non-selfish, practical use. Why don’t we stop talking about this Swine Flu, which can’t be a pandemic since it is not affecting a “large proportion of the population,” and start talking about how we can help countries less fortunate than our own, or how we can make our own country healthier and safer so millions don’t die from heart disease, cancer, strokes, and accidents. Millions, President Obama.

Why are you getting on TV and talking about something that is slaughtering less than 0.0006% as many people as malnutrition is children in Africa every year? The WHO’s job is to research and administer treatment to sick people. Heck, they have the word right in their title: “health.” You, however, do not.

Respectfully,
Your Loyal, Tax-Paying Citizen
Alex

Photoshop Has Ruined My Generation

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2009-04-29T11:48:16-04:00

I feel bad for photographers that truly capture something beautiful and unique these days. I feel bad for stunt men who can really jump from a third story building and barrel roll themselves to safety. Those sidewalk chalk artists. That guy who got his truck stuck in a tree. The creators of the sweet architecture over in Europe. I feel bad for everyone involved in those happenings and creations.

Whenever something spectacular is captured on camera, or a particularly dangerous feat is done by a stuntman, the inclination of everyone in our culture is to shout out, “That’s Photoshop!” or “That’s CG!” Granted, when you’re watching Lord of the Rings and Gandalf is having his Battle of the Wits with the fiery creature, chances are that’s probably not real ... In fact, I believe he was talking to a tennis ball when they shot that. Regardless, for situations where the actor actually does his own stunts sans strings, harnesses, or special effects of any kind, I feel bad, like in any Tony Jaw movie. Nobody will believe that they are actually capable of something so amazing. And, come on, for some people that’s the talents that God has gifted them with, and we refuse to even recognize them!

Here’s another thing I’ve found interesting. Photoshop has become a verb, much like Google. Many people neglect to realize that Photoshop is an actual program made by Adobe, not a style of graphic design. I continually hear people saying, “That’s okay, we’ll just Photoshop it out later,” meaning they’ll trim the picture, or adjust the lighting, or maybe use some other photo editing application (i.e. Fireworks, Gimp) to edit something in or out of a picture. “Photoshopping” is just a catch-all term for editing a picture these days.

Here’s another thing people don’t quite realize. Almost every picture you’ve ever seen has been Photoshopped. Sorry to burst your bubble. They’re all airbrushed, manipulated, corrected in some way. Anything in a magazine, anything on a menu, anything on a website, anything on a billboard, any desktop background you have. The issue is, when you see something truly beautiful and you try to capture it digitally, you almost never can. The artist will then go back and manipulate the image using Photoshop or a program like Photoshop to make all the prettiest colors and shadows stand out just the way they wanted them to or remembered them doing when they saw the scene with their eyes.

So when somebody looks at the chalk art on the sidewalks and exclaims, “That’s Photoshopped!” they’re probably right. But not in the way they think. The content of the picture is 100%, but the vivacity had to be added in digitally.

It’s gotten a lot worse as of late now. It seems that even natural phenomenon, fractured light, and optical illusions that truly exist but are hard for your mind to concentrate on are all written off as Photoshopped. There’s no way anything like that could ever really exist in the world, right? It’s a shame, because situations like that where we’re skeptical even begin to diminish the genuine uniqueness of God’s creation and the masterpieces he’s designed for us that are supposed to baffle us.

Still not convinced? Just go to YouTube and watch any video of something spectacular. Scroll down and read the comments. The Tacoma Narrows Bridge. The guys that did pull ups off a crane without a harness. An fighter jet breaking the sound barrier (not to mention the dispute over what kind of fighter jet that is). This kid doing an awesome job of playing the Hotel California solo. Or this kid’s completely amazing guitar solo that I think he wrote! My generation is just so horribly skeptical, it’s ridiculous.

Now, when I’m watching a movie, I’ll analyze it to death and determine something must be CG just as much as the next guy. I’m not saying it isn’t, because especially in todays digital movies, it probably is. I just think it’s disappointing the extent at which we write off almost everything we see these days as fake. There are truly amazing sculptures and scenes in this world, and even things that don’t relate to art and the visuals, and it seems that Photoshop has ruined my generation by making us skeptical of almost everything we see. It disappoints me. I prefer to give everything the benefit of the doubt.

Is This a Real Ticket?

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2009-04-28T19:04:34-04:00

The sun was burning bright. It was beautiful. 85 degrees and not a cloud in the sky. It was the perfect day for a picnic. Of course, we didn’t go on a picnic.

The day was Sunday.

I make note of the day with significance at the start of our story because I think there should be a certain respect for this day of the week. It is, after all, the modern-day Sabbath, and on this weekly ritual I believe grace should abound. Sadly, The Greene disagrees ... Sort of.

Following a lovely service at Apex Community Church in Dayton, a group of somewhere between fifteen and twenty of us (enough that I didn’t think to count) went decided to go to BD’s Mongolian Barbeque to both celebrate and mourn our last Sunday service together for the semester. That’s right! In just five short days, on Friday, I will be taking my last Final Exam, finalizing the end of my Sophomore year at Cedarville University, and driving back to Iowa for the Summer! But I digress. BD’s.

A fantastic restaurant which I highly recommend. It’s one of those Mongolian-style restaurants where you put all the meat, noodles, and vegetables you want into a heaping bowl, pick three or four sauces and spices to top it off with, and hand it to a guy in a sweet hat to watch him cook it up for you on a massive grill with twenty other people’s meals. Not only is a fun experience, it’s a delicious adventure.

The BD’s we went to was around the Greene Mall, so we parallel parked out front, fed the meter, and went in. I gave Kylee at least six quarters, fifteen minutes each, so we had a good hour and a half on the meter. After having loads of fun joking with our waitress and the host of the hour, we finished our food, paid our bill, and walked back out to the car. There, on the windshield, tucked under the wiper blade, we found this:

Of course, my first reaction after seeing something under the wiper was annoyance that I had gotten a ticket while driving Kylee’s car. The second, after I looked at the ticket, was how much it didn’t look like a normal ticket.

The car ride back to Cedarville consisted of the five of us going back and forth as to whether we thought it was a real ticket or not. Our first conclusion was that it couldn’t be a real ticket, it was just some sponsorship type of a thing for this Hannah’s Treasure Chest. But what if it was a real ticket? Not paying it could result in a larger fine on Kylee’s car.

After much debating, another one of us determined it must be a real ticket because of the IRS stamp at the bottom. This argument made sense until I realized that every company, charitable organization, and otherwise is registered with the IRS, so this really didn’t mean anything. Again, we were back to it not being a real ticket.

But there were those words in the first paragraph “... when you pay this $5.00 ticket ...” which would heavily imply it was a real ticket. Upon arriving back at school, Garrett got online and did some checking into tickets at The Greene. He called me with the conclusion that it was a real ticket because a portion of the proceeds from The Greene tickets went to a charitable organization, which is what this ticket claimed.

Then I thought of something that I don’t know why I didn’t think of sooner: this ticket had absolutely no information on it. It looked like a flyer than they could easily print hundreds of in a few moments. It was a standardized piece of card stock. It didn’t have Kylee’s license number, her name, the time the ticket was issued; it had nothing relating to the incident! If I put $5 into the enveloped and sent it in, they would have no way of identifying that that $5 was remittance for the “crime” attached to Kylee’s license plate. There was no way they could keep us accountable for paying the ticket or not, so it couldn’t be a real ticket! After explaining this to Garrett, he called the mall.

It turns out for all tickets issued at The Greene, payment is optional. After thinking this over, I’ve realized how big and silly of a scam this is. They’re essentially trying to trick you into charitable giving, which is the antonym of what charitable giving should be. If I want to Hannah’s Treasure Chest, I will do it on my own time. Please don’t try to get money from me by making me think I’ve committed some sort of a felony. Please take specific note of this wording: “a portion of the proceeds ...” Really? You’re going to give a portion of $5 to a charity?

On a final note, if you ever receive a ticket and it’s only $5, be suspicious. I’ve never gotten a ticket that was that cheap, and that should have been one of the first signs that it wasn’t a real ticket. The way The Greene dishonestly tries to manipulate you into giving to their charity is laughable and a disgrace for the mall. They’re making a mockery of charities and the heart and intent that should be behind the giving. If you want to give me a ticket for illegally parking, do it. I don’t care what you do with that money then. But don’t give me a fake ticket impersonating a real ticket just to get me to give to your charity. That really doesn’t make me inclined to ever give to your sneaky charity.

Sorry. I’m not paying that ticket.

Dear Somalian Pirates

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2009-04-11T11:35:01-04:00

Dear Somalian Pirates,

We think you are lame. I mean, come on! Nobody kidnaps a U.S. ship, especially not a humanitarian aid ship! Honestly, they were taking food and supplies to starving people in Africa. We figure your logical defense of stealing our ship is faulty for the following reasons:

You seem to think you have guts. You’re the first people to attack a U.S. Merchant Ship in the last 200 years. You know why? Because everyone else is smarter than you and doesn’t mess with innocent and unarmed U.S. ships. Do you know what our military will do to people like you? You’ve put yourselves in a horrible position.
The U.S. does not negotiate with terrorists. On any level. And you’re not even terrorists, you’re pirates. We never have negotiated with terrorism, and you’re not going to be the first exception.
You have crappy negotiation skills, anyway. FBI and Navy guys came onto your boat to try to talk civilized with you, and your response is to offer up the captive for $2 million. Obviously, we refused (see aforementioned negotiation reason), and we left. You then raised your price to $3 million. If we weren’t going to pay $2 million, why would we pay $3 million? Maybe you’re confused. $3 million > $2 million = Less Likely for U.S. to accept.
Where’s your parrot and eye patch? If you’re really pirates, where’s the peg leg? What’d you do with Long John Silver? Where’s Davy Jones? I have yet to see a news article quoting you saying, “Yarrr” or “Aye, Matey,” and you didn’t even tell our FBI agents to, “Walk the plank.” You don’t even act like real pirates, yet you claim to be some, and you expect us to take you seriously?
You have clearly hosed off the U.S. Navy. There are, like, two destroyers looking down their gun barrels at you, so I’d put the hostage in a lifeboat and float him back over to his ship if I were you. I mean, the Navy doesn’t mess around, especially not when there are two of them ... And you’re pirates.
How many of you can there honestly be? You have just ticked off an entire country (the US of A) and I hope you realize where this is going. I mean, maybe you had success with other country’s ships, but it’s not likely that you’re going to get away with this with the previously mentioned Naval Destroyers fixin’ to blow you out of the water. We don’t like to see any loss of life, and we will not submit to your monetary demands, so step away from the hostage.

Jenna and I, the compilers of this list, figure these six reasons should sufficiently get you to release the captain and quit taking hostages. Cut it out.

Best Regards,

Jenna and Alex
Bloggers Extraordinaire

Girls Are the Root of All Evil

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2009-04-07T20:38:41-04:00

That’s what we’ve always been told, isn’t it?

Last week, in the midst of projects and exams, I began to get a cold. Since Jessica had previously had a cold, I decided to blame her for passing it on. Her defense was that Faith had given it to her, so Faith was really at fault. Never missing an opportunity to blame Faith for something bad, I informed her of my annoyance with her getting me sick by proxy. Her rebuttal was that she did it because she loved me. What logic! I told her this made no sense.

“Love has nothing to do with me being sick, Faith,” I said
“Sure it does. Love = suffering,” she replied.
“Suffering is listed nowhere on this page.” I sent her a link to the Webster definition of love.
“It’s indirect. Love = patient. Patience = longsuffering.” A horrible reply. Horrible, Faith.
“Oh, come on. If we’re going by that logic, I could prove to you that girls are the root of all evil.”
“That logic is flawed,” Faith attempted to defended herself.

I began to work out the proof for Faith that girls are the root of all evil, and I came upon two startling revelations! The age-old proof that demonstrates how girls are the root of all evil, and I found that I was wrong! Despite my best efforts, I could not find anyway to not credit my sickness-spawning arch-enemy, Faith, for helping me come to this realization. I am forced to give her slight credit and even a partial nod of friendship for giving me a blogging topic and helping me with this proof. But only a slight one. Don’t read into this too much, Faith. This may mean we’re friends, but this doesn’t mean we’re hanging out.

I will now walk through the original proof that states that girls are the root of all evil. First, let us use G represent “Girls,” T represent “Time,” and M represent “Money.” We will use E to represent “Evil.”

Now, let’s allow the assumption that girls, specifically ones that you’re in a relationship with, require time and money. Given this statement, it has traditionally been shown that:

1)

The view has also long been held that time is money, since in order to make money you must use time, and when you waste time you’re losing potential for monetary growth. Given this, we can now show that:

2)

Substituting equation 2 into equation 1, we achieve:

1)

Finally, traditionally, it has been said that money is the root of all evil. We can represent this by the statement:

3)

Substituting equation 3 into equation 1 we, we achieve:

1)

Since we have proved that G = E, we have proved that girls are evil.

However, there are two significant flaws in this proof. First and foremost, the traditionally accepted statement that “money is the root of all evil” is completely wrong. According to 1 Timothy 6:10, “... The love of money is the root of all evil.” Culture casually takes the word “love” out of the equation and misquotes this scripture as “money is the root of all evil,” claiming Christians hate wealth. This means that, from our previous proof, anything valued to be evil should actually be preceded by “the love of.”

Therefore, by the correctly cited proof, girls are not evil, the love of girls is evil.

Slightly less significant, it’s a common misunderstanding that “and” represents multiplication when it really represents addition. If you have five apples and three apples, your total amount of apples if 5 + 3 = 8, not 5 * 3 = 15. Hence, if girls are time and money, this equation should really be presented by:

1)

Following this equation through the proof, we find that:

1)

Therefore, by the proper proof with the proper citing for the root of all evil, the love of girls is two times more evil than anything else.

Consider yourself warned. I’m just thankful for Faith for bringing this common misunderstanding to my attention. Faith, I can no longer love you. I apologize for letting you know in this way. It never would have worked between us anyway ...

My Sister is More Famous Than Your Sister

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2009-03-30T17:35:27-04:00

So, Jenna was in this big-time production in which she portrays an emo girl who likes the internet. She’s practically famous and all the biggest internet forums are raving about her hotness. You too should watch the video. Also, my brother-in-law edited it, so you know it’s good.

Your Right to Common Courtesy

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2009-03-30T17:23:42-04:00

This post is most pointedly directed towards the residents of Brock Hall, but it really applies to anyone. Also, please understand the heavy sarcasm in the title. You do not have a right to common courtesy. Certain people are gracious to you and you should be thankful. That doesn’t mean you sit around expecting people to bring you free food because you look like you’re hungry.

I was headed over to chat with Kylee, and Dave was on his way over to the SSC. We left the third floor of Brock, heading down the stairs. We got to the main double doors and pushed them open. As I pushed through the first set, I saw two fellow Brockians approaching the building. I had a crucial “yellow-light” decision. Should I stand for a few moments and hold the door for them, or are they far enough away that I should just let the door close and make them unlock it for themselves? They were far enough away that I decided to just keep walking, as did Dave.

As we were a few paces out of the building, we crossed paths with the other gentleman. There were two of them, one of them I know by name (but that’s about all), but both shall remain nameless out of respect. The one I knew sarcastically tossed over his shoulder, “Hey, thanks for holding the door for us, guys.” So, not to be outdone, I sarcastically tossed back, “Hey, you’re welcome!” with a big smile and a wave. Apparently taken aback, and not wanting to lose the last words, the other shouted in a far more desperate tone, “Yah! Thanks for holding it!” Nice comeback. I commend you.

To the first of you: you are extremely pompous.
To the second: you sounded like a desperate five year old who was failing miserably at winning at argument.

This isn’t the first time, nor even the second, that this has happened. I’ve had people sarcastically “burn” me for not holding the door open for them numerous times while leaving Brock, some harsher than others. It’s as if they expect that I owe them something. Look, I don’t want to be rude, but at the same time, with the attitude you’re giving me, why the heck do you think you deserve to have the door held open for you?

A few weeks back I was leaving Brock and a similar situation happened. I walked through both double doors and the student walking towards me moved in front of me to stop me and said, “Really, man? It would take you two extra seconds to stand and hold the door so I wouldn’t have to get my ID out!” To which I replied, “Really, man? It would take you the same two seconds while you’re still walking to get your own ID out.” And I walked around him and on to class.

First of all, logically, if you’re coming back to Brock, you’re probably done with class. You’re most likely not in a hurry. If we’re leaving Brock, it’s more likely we’re actually purposefully headed somewhere, perhaps somewhere we don’t want to be late to. Sure, it’s only two seconds, but it’s the principle of the matter: we’re headed somewhere to participate in an activity, you’re headed back to your dorm to be “off the clock.”

I was sitting in the lounge on the opposite end of Brock once when I heard someone pounding on the doors. Someone had forgotten their ID. There’s a lounge on that side, so me and all my friends assumed someone over there would get the door. Well, no one did. The pounding continued. Finally, someone on that end of the building let the guys in. I say guys because it wasn’t just one guy, it was five. Five guys who either didn’t remember to take their ID with them when they left the building or just didn’t want to reach into their pockets to get it out because they were too lazy. (That last statement actually isn’t too far from the truth. There are guys that do that.) They came to our end of the building, leaning through the doors into the lounge we were all sitting in, and yelled, “Hey, thanks for coming and opening the door for us, guys!” I shouted back, “Hey, thanks for remembering to take your ID with you.”

The thing is, you have every right to not take your ID with you, and you can bank on the fact that someone will open the door for you. But you can’t get upset when someone doesn’t open the door for you. Understand that when we’re sitting in the lounge and we open that door for you, you go upstairs and forget about the whole situation. If we’re sitting in the lounge and everyone does the same thing you do and expects us to open the door for them, we wouldn’t get any work done. That’s why Cedarville gave you an ID, so you could serve yourself.

Next time I’m walking out of Brock and someone tries to slight me with, “Hey, thanks for holding the door for me,” I’ll respond with, “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were a woman at a conservative Baptist college.” You know. The types where women just stand at the doors and wait for a guy to come hold the door for them. Because it’s not that they’re special and we want to show them we appreciate them, it’s that they deserve to have the door held for them.

Holding the door for you is a favor, not a requirement. Grow up. Honestly, we live in Brock. We’re already pegged with the stereotype of being arrogant idiots. Thanks for stapling that down, guys.

Facebook to Charge?

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2009-03-25T16:42:22-04:00

That’s the rumor. After all, it’s the thing to do, right? Look at other mammoth companies that used to provide a service for free but now charge for their services: MySpace, YouTube, Google, Xanga, Wikipedia, Hulu ... Oh, wait! All those services are still free. They’re add supported, so they will always remain free.

Even still, people continue to prove their gullibility by falling for such silly rumors, even when the people spreading the rumors don’t even attempt to give a reasoning or source for their claim. I was astounded to find that, as of today, over three million people are concerned that Facebook may become a Premium Service. Even more astounding, the groups have absolutely no solid evidence for this claim, not even evidence that suggest it, yet still people fall for it. They list links or sources of any kind. They don’t even provide reasoning for the suspicion. I’m actually quite convinced that the people who start these groups just didn’t want to title them, “LET’S SEE IF WE CAN GET 5,000,000 PEOPLE TO JOIN THIS GROUP!!!”

I’m here to firstly illustrate why your Facebook Premium cries are ridiculous and then to prove you wrong.

Firstly, you’re using the service you’re threatening to boycott in order to promote your boycott. This is almost as hypocritical and nonsensical as those “We Hate Facebook” groups that are on Facebook. People, do you think before you speak and/or act?

Secondly, your solution to let Facebook know how much you disapprove of this idea is to get as many people as you can to not use Facebook for a day. You know, this isn’t actually a bad idea if you extract it from the fact that you think Facebook is going Premium. It might really benefit all of you if you got out into the sun and participated in true, face-to-face social activity. But even if you did convince three million people to not use Facebook for an entire day, this would most likely accomplish exactly the opposite of what you wanted. Allow me to explain:

Three million people don’t log onto Facebook for a day. Facebook is currently a “free” service (to you) in the sense that all of it’s monetary gains are in the form of ad revenue. A lack of three million users will result in less people clicking on their ads, resulting in less ad revenue for them for that day. While one day of this won’t make a significant difference, a recurring trend of this would cause them to look at alternative business models. Facebook is an actual company, which means they do need to make money, believe it or not. That aside, users are on and off Facebook all the time, probably for days at a time. Even if a blip like that did occur in the site traffic for one day, Facebook would most likely disregard it.

Thirdly, you’re threatening to leave Facebook if they make their service Premium. Really, guys? You don’t think you need Facebook? You who think it would be significant if you didn’t log on to the service for one whole day? You who promote this idea on the very service you’re threatening to leave? You know, you waste countless hours on the site, why not give them a few of your dollars too? I mean, they’re giving you a very extensive and labor intensive service absolutely free.

But Facebook is looking for a business model. Translation: they need a consistent way to make money. Ad revenue is fairly consistent, and quite substantial considering there are 100 million of us that use the service on a regular basis, but even Google, who started their service creating income solely based on ad revenue, now sells products to generate consistent revenue.

Let’s imagine for a minute that Facebook does choose a Premium Service as their business model. Let’s imagine in that choice that Facebook limits the free service to ten status updates per day, photo albums of no more than fifty pictures, and a friend limit of 200 unless you pay them a monthly fee. If you pay them a monthly fee, the limits are lifted and, of course, all ads are taken away. This is called a Premium Service. Even if you were starkly against this, there’s no real way you could fight this, even with your three million strong groups. I believe many of you think the term “Premium Service” means “free version goes away,” but that’s simply not true.

Continuing to imagine, let’s say Facebook charges each user $5 per month for the Premium Service. That means they’ll be making $60 per person per year. Facebook currently delivers to 100 million users for free, so even if 95% of these users don’t value the service enough to pay a measly $6 a month for its full functionality, that still leaves five million Premium Service users. Five million Premium members paying $60 a year to Facebook generates them a revenue of $300 million. With this new income from the Premium members combined with the ad revenue propagated from what’s left of the other 95 million users, Facebook will still be generating far more income than they did before. And those of you who were too snobbish to accept a limited service and refused to actually pay for something you use? Facebook wouldn’t even miss you.

This won’t happen anytime soon, because Facebook currently makes proper figures from the ads on the right that you consistently click on. The people who think it will don’t truly understand the limitless possibilities of an innovative website idea (i.e. Google) and financing it with ads due to the heavy traffic. Facebook has been estimated to be worth upwards of $15 billion dollars. While some say this estimate is too high, it still illustrates that they don’t need to charge for their service.

All of this is completely irrelevant once you consider Principle #7 in The Facebook Principles: “Facebook is a fundamental service.” This being the case, and immediately following that statement, they further explain, “People should be able to use Facebook for free to establish a presence, connect with others, and share information with them. Every Person should be able to use the Facebook Service regardless of his or her level of participation or contribution.”

According to Facebook, The Facebook Principles are the rights and responsibilities of each user, and The Facebook Principles are not subject to change at the whim of the Facebook staff. They are the foundation of the service, and they are not subject to change now, or anywhere in the near future. If they do change, it will only be for the betterment of the users. Hard as it may be to believe, Facebook isn’t actually out to get you.

Blood:Water Mission; I Love My Friends

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2009-03-26T12:59:01-04:00

Ladies and gentlemen, I have a significant announcement to make. No, I'm not engaged, but close. Actually, it has nothing to do with marriage or relationships, unless you consider my relationships with carbonated beverages more than just the meaningless flings that I consider them.

No, my announcement is that today, March 26th, 2009, is the twenty-fifth day I have gone without the consumption of a soda. Even more significant, without the consumption of a caffeinated drink. More significant still, I haven't drank anything except water in the last twenty-five days! If this doesn't seem significant enough to you, take into account that I will not be partaking in The Drink for another fifteen days.

Still not significant? Okay, maybe you don't understand my insatiable thirst for caffeine. I love it. I have no shame in admitting that I may or may not be addicted to it. (I guess by the way I sidestepped that question, I may have some shame, but you get the point.) I love Pepsi, Mountain Dew, Cherry Coke, Dr. Pepper, coffee, Latte (or "German Coffee," if you prefer), Macchiato, Chai Tea ... Really, if it has caffeine, I'll probably drink it. And that list doesn’t even include Energy Drinks, which I also enjoy (if they aren’t the nasty tasting ones, anyway).

That's just caffeinated content. I also love Orange Juice, smoothies, and those delicious lizard juices (that sounds weird) by SoBe. On average, considering all the possibilities for caffeine and the fact that soda, coffee, and tea are all free in Chuck's, I ingest ample amounts of caffeine per day. Numerous bottles. Many glasses. Several cups.

So, why the sudden urge to cut off my energy source Cold Turkey for forty days? Well, it's not for Lent, if that's what you're thinking. But really, it is. But it's actually not. Observe.

With proceeds going toward Blood:Water Mission, this non-Lent initiative is to raise awareness, in America specifically, of the fact that we have so many choices. Do I want water at this very moment, or do I want a soda? If I want a soda, which kind? I have dozens to choose from. In America, we're blessed with plenty; in many third-world countries, children have only one choice: water. And that water may not even be healthy, and it certainly isn't filtered and coming through a faucet. The forty days is offset from the Lent holiday by two days, presumably because they were attempting to appeal not just to the religious crowd but also to people who simply wanted to help make a difference around the world. So though it's technically not for Lent, it's practically the same thing. Call it what you will, we've given up drinking anything other than water for forty days.

Kylee the Magnificent, Emilie the Elegant, and I decided we wanted to do this together, so we have been. A few other stragglers from our sphere of influence have joined the bandwagon along the way. Despite the controversy that smoothies may or may not be a drink, we've decided to avoid them as well since we have them regularly too. At the end of the forty days, the three of us are celebrating our completion of this task with smoothies. Toasts and cheers will be made.

We're not just abstaining from anything that doesn't resemble two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom, we're also saving the money that we would normally spend on these drinks and donating it to Blood:Water Mission. $1 will provide water for an African child for one year. It seems hard to believe, but it's true.

The other day, I hid myself from the usual crowd in an attempt to study for an exam I had the following day. I needed to do well on this exam (and, by the way, I did), so from about four in the afternoon to two in the morning, I studied, jotting notes down here and there and working through problems. With the exceptions of Dinner, a few five minute breaks here and there to watch SNL videos on Hulu, and the walk back to my dorm, I was studying fervently for all ten hours.

I was a little stressed and had the onsets of a headache at around nine when the suave Ryan and the beautifully diverse Kristi appeared at my side. I say "appeared" because they literally did and caught me quite off guard. I was looking down, intently writing in my notebook, when all of a sudden I was startled to find a darkly-colored face peering over my left shoulder. When I realized it was Kristi, I gave her a backwards hug, which is slightly more awkward than you might think while sitting in a chair. Luckily, she rides pretty low to the ground, so it wasn't actually that awkward. At this point, Ryan pushed his arm forward into my face and exclaimed, "Here, we brought you this!" with a big smile on his face.

I blinked a few times, stared up and Ryan and Kristi who were both wearing big grins, and back at what Ryan was holding. I was still a little shaken by the headache, study overload, and surprising appearance of two of my favorites, but the fact that Ryan had put a can of Pepsi in my face didn't help either. I think it took me a little while to respond, because inwardly I really wanted that Pepsi, and I was trying to think of some way to justify drinking it. I mean, there it was: a free Pepsi. I hadn't seen a can or a bottle in over twenty days, and the aluminum looked so deliciously inviting.
"I ... Can't ... Have that ..." I managed to sputter out.

I felt bad saying it because I really wanted that Pepsi, and I knew they had only brought it to me because they knew how much I loved Pepsi and that I was studying for an exam, but I have principles, dang it! Forty days! When I start something, I simply must follow it through or I won't be able to live with myself. Sadly, I am forever required to live with myself, so this forty days will not be broken in a moment of weakness!

Poor Ryan and Kristi tried to apologize because they had forgotten all about the forty days of water thing, and they told me to keep the Pepsi in my fridge until the forty days were up. Yah ... Right ... I love you guys, but that just wasn't going to happen. Ryan, being the considerate person that he is, placed the Pepsi on the floor in a prominent place near me. It just sat there, staring at me, torturing me for another hour or so. Emilie, a fellow Pepsi lover like myself, showed up, I told her the story, and she "hid" the Pepsi (which consisted of putting it under the couch next to us so we wouldn't have to look at it. We both wanted it.)

Even though sometimes my friends forget that I'm fasting from a particular substance, I love them all because they’re still considerate enough to bring me something I love when they know I’m stressing out :). So, despite your silly forgetfulness Kristi and Ryan, I still love you both. It's the though that counts. Thanks for thinking of me!

I will make it these forty days. Not only will I then be able to help provide many African children with clean water for a year, I'll also have done something good for myself!

Cedarville Goes Casual

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2009-03-20T11:48:47-04:00

In a move that no one in the student body was really expecting, Cedarville has officially declared every day as “Casual Friday” ... Sort of. We’re still only allowed to wear t-shirts on Fridays, but will be allowed, starting after Easter Break in April, to wear jeans on every day of the week.

After polling prospective and current students, the majority stated that they would enjoy to freedom to express themselves in manners other than the conservative khakis and dress pants that have previously been required.

This is a decision that a lot of people, including myself, have been eagerly anticipating, though I didn’t think it would happen while I was still a student here. I never minded the dress code to the extent that I would complain about it (because I agreed to come here fully aware of what I would be required to wear), but I do prefer the comfort of wearing jeans, or even simply the ability to make my own choice. I have heard numerous people verbally complain (extensively) about having to wear khakis, and to them I say that they shouldn’t have come to Cedarville. I really just don’t like whining.

Now the dress code has changed, and a new class of complaining has been made: those that don’t want it to change. Why, I’m not sure. If they truly enjoy the comfort of their khakis that much, I encourage them to wear them. They have the choice. And now we have the choice to wear jeans. I also challenge them, if they’re going to so consistently gripe about this change in freedom, to continue to wear khakis for the remainder of the year. Heck, wear them all of next year if you’re really in that much protest over the matter. As they say, “Put your pants where your mouth is.”

The biggest argument I hear is that the “professional” dress that Cedarville used to require is what defines us as a University above all other Christian Universities. That’s not true though. What defines us as a University above other Universities is our character. Christians are known by their actions, not by their appearances. Additionally, the previous dress code disallowed jeans; it in no way promoted a professional look. I saw people wear horribly ugly cargo pants and/or jeans colored other than blue just to get around the dress code. These did not look professional in any way. A formal pair of dark jeans looks far more professional than cargo pants. If Cedarville did maintain its previous dress code to promote a look of professionalism, it was failing.

Hey, if you find yourself ever defined by how you look, or if you think you’re wearing khakis makes you “holier than thou,” I strongly suggest you rethink your mentality towards Christianity.

The other complaint I hear is that this is just the first step toward a downward spiral for Cedarville’s standards. This is equally ridiculous as Cedarville has been liberating itself to adapt to the culture for many years prior to this. You do realize men used to have to wear suits and women were required to wear dresses every day, right? Additionally, Cedarville is still one of only a few other Universities in the country that requires chapel five days a week. Even prestigious graduate school seminaries like Moody Bible only have chapel two or three times a week, and other institutions like Dallas Theological require significantly less consistent attendance at their chapels.

If Chuck’s decided the cafeteria was too full and built a new one in addition to the one we already have so we then had more selection, would you gripe about that too? “What? I have more choices now? But I only really needed pizza!” Hey, eat your pizza then. The rest of us are happy for the broader scope of choice. Stop imposing your own tastes and opinions on others.

Please, I’m asking all of you, stop complaining about Cedarville adapting and relating to the culture around it. There is nothing wrong with this change, and if anything it is beneficial for our school. If you truly dislike the decision that much, it does not have to effect you. It only effects those of us who want to express ourselves differently in how we dress. Now it’s our turn to tell you: “stop whining.”

What Happens in the UK ...

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2009-03-11T15:43:16-04:00

Warner Music has always been known as an evil record company. The company continually overvalues its own music to the services that help promote that music. So, naturally, they recently came pounding on Google’s door, demanding a chunk of the cash earned from Warner Music’s music videos viewed on YouTube.

Part of you may be thinking this is a legitimate threat for Warner Music to make. After all, they own the content, right? While that’s true, and Warner does have every legal right to do so, it’s a completely brain dead move. And don’t be confused into thinking this is effecting the artist’s proceeds at all; Warner doesn’t plan on giving the actual musicians any more of a cut, they just want to put their greedy fingers into every pot of gold. Warner Music has never been known for being good to its artists.

Warner’s idiocy is that they’re overlooking the fact that they need Google; that Google and YouTube only promote their content which leads to more incentive to buy music and videos from them. It’s not just Warner Music either. Most of the major record labels who don’t understand their own dependence on services such as YouTube have been demanding their content be removed or that they receive some sort of compensation. Warner, however, has undoubtedly been the most outrageous and most persistent in their terms.

Google made a rather audacious move (according to the record companies) recently in the UK. After being relentlessly attacked for not paying the record companies their “deserved” dues, they have removed all premium content from YouTube (this is not yet in effect in the US). Essentially a move that retorts, “You need us more than we need you.” A move similar to NBC’s removal of their content from the Apple Online Store, though NBC was a little out of place in that move considering it was the one that actually needed Apple.

Now the musicians are lashing out. They want their content back on YouTube because, unlike their owning labels, they recognize the value of free content. The biggest irony is that the record labels themselves are now gripping at Google, demanding that the content be put back on because the record companies are losing money. Google has thus far refused to put the content back on. They haven’t threatened to follow suit in America, but if the record companies continue to gripe for monetary compensation which Google won’t give, it’s very likely.

Hopefully that doesn’t happen. I, for one, enjoy the free publicity YouTube gives up and coming artists, and the record companies need to quit being greedy. But that’s what they’re known for, isn’t it?

Dear YouTube

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2009-03-07T08:42:19-05:00

Please stop removing my favorite videos. As of late, it’s becoming very frustrating.

You used to be a place where I could go when sitting with a group of friends, chatting about music or something equally culturally relevant, and when someone would say, “Woah, you haven’t heard? Dude, pull it up on YouTube,” without fail it would be there for us to listen to. Unless it was some obscure Indi band; but we can understand you taking those down. But no longer. I am now forced to find other means of streaming the song for my friends or, even worse, purchase the song off iTunes. I’m sure this is just what you’ve been planning all along, but you know copyright laws are as vague as any, so you’re silly attempts to abide by them by removing all videos you deem “illegal” is just silly.

It’s becoming a bit excessive the rate at which you’re taking these videos off lately. As in, I’ve more than once been watching a video when you take it off. I’ll be half way done with it, the video will freeze, go black, and the words, “This video is no longer available” will appear in its place. This is horribly disappointing, especially as it always seems to happen at the most climactic parts.

It’s even worse than that though. I’ve even see you remove copyrighted content from the copyright holder. Okay, not specifically, since bands don’t usually hold the copyright to their own music once the evil record companies get a hold of it, but ... come on! A band makes a profile, a band posts their videos, and you remove them. If you ask me, bands should have every right to share their own content if they want to. But it doesn’t go just as far as bands as music. Oh no. You’ve taken it levels beyond that.

You know what I find most humorous? You’ve taken off the video that made you. Don’t try to pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about you. You were founded in February, 2005, and the viral video Lazy Sunday from SNL came out in December of the same year. That video is what got the name YouTube to spread all over the country with some 5 million views before it was removed. I realize it was probably NBC Universal that made you remove it, but you should have fought back! You owned that video, YouTube! Now all that can be found are horrible parodies of the thing on your website. Let me tell you, some of those videos in and of themselves should be deemed “illegal” for viewing by the general public.

So you’re scared of the courts and you remove all your copyright movies, music, and music videos. To some degree, I can accept that. Only because I have no idea what 13 million dollars looks like, especially in a lawsuit against. But, again, you don’t stop there.

Why is that I can be reading the funnies over at Cracked, a humor column that frequently embeds your videos into its articles, and the videos get removed from your site before I can even read the article. If you want to talk about anti-climactic, try reading an article where a guy talks up a YouTube video for 1,200 words and when you finally go to click play it says the content has been removed. And even worse, the video isn’t even copyrighted. No, it’s just that some guy watched it, got offended by some religious slur in it, and reported it to you guys, so you chickened out and removed it. I can understand you removing adult content; I can understand you removing horribly graphic content of any kind, really. What I can’t understand is you removing a video of some guy getting hit in the head with a 2-by-4. Look, it’s funny. If somebody finds it disturbing, they probably shouldn’t be on the internet.

Here’s what gets me even more. You leave commercials up. Those are copyrighted. You leave videos of people beating video games in less than ten minutes up. Video games have copyrights. You always leave content from other countries up, for instance, Soviet Winnie the Pooh or pretty much anything from Turkey. I know their copyright laws don’t always apply in the United States, but if we’re going to play by those rules we should all forget about YouTube and just download our content from The Pirate Bay, a Swedish website that you can download anything from full length movies to out of print TV series to full books in PDF format.

Before I end my rant, I do have to speak briefly on behalf of YouTube for some idiots out there. YouTube always removes complete movies. There’s actually logic behind that. You see, a movie company will sue the pants off you (and probably the rest of your wardrobe if they have their way) if you distribute their content. Heck, they won’t give up on The Pirate Bay and they aren’t even under US law. So why do they keep suing them, you ask? Well, because the movie industry is greedy. And stupid. But I digress. My point is, when someone puts up Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring in a twenty-part series on YouTube, it makes perfect legal sense for them to remove it.

So when this genius wonders why YouTube keeps removing it when he uploads the seven parts of the Zeitgeist movie, I can only help but laugh. He claims YouTube is censoring their content. Well, of course they are, but only to protect young children from violent and adult content; YouTube doesn’t have a religious agenda. The reason your video keeps getting removed is because you don’t know the copyright. His argument is that the movie is left on Google Video and that’s it’s available for free at the Zeitgeist Movie’s website, so he’s disgusted with YouTube for constantly removing it. But just because the video is freely available on the director’s website doesn’t mean it’s still not bound by copyright. The owner of the copyright put it on that website, and the owner of the copyright put it on Google Video. This doesn’t give you the right to then take it and put it on YouTube.

On top of that, you do realize YouTube is owned by Google, right? So saying YouTube is stupid for censoring when they leave it on Google Video is just the silly. You, my friend, are paranoid.

This is awkward, because after those three paragraphs it’s difficult to transition back to my original point. You’ll just have to deal with it. My conclusion is, aside from the heavily copyrighted material of full length movies, I’m annoyed with you, YouTube, removing all of my favorite content. Never mind that your tagline is “Broadcast Yourself” and not “Broadcast Sweet Stuff That Other People Made” ... I want my music and music videos back!

Endnote: I’m too tired at the moment to care if I completely contradicted myself in this article. If I did, you can probably figure out my intent behind it. Quit being hypercritical.

An Open Letter to Lounge Couples

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2009-03-05T14:06:27-05:00

A disturbing trend seems to be on the rise at Cedarville University: Awkward Lounge Couples. I’m not talking about couples that find themselves in a particular lounge with a few friends just hanging out, I’m talking about Awkward Lounge Couples. Some of you may not find this that unusual, but I, because these Couples can really only be found at Cedarville. You know who you are, Couples.

You’re a disturbance to us all. We can’t concentrate with your awkward presence, gazing into each others eyes, making strange (and apparently romantic) cooing sounds at each other, and talking in that weird I-totally-like-you voice. You know, I’m a fan of relationships and couples and marriage, but you’re doing it all wrong. I’m not expert on relationships, but I’m pretty sure if you disturb everyone around you, you’re doing something wrong.¹

See, it’s frustrating when a group of friends come into an area that has more than enough lounge room only to find a couple (that’s two) taking up an entire couch (made for ten) watching a movie or just sitting awkwardly close, cuddling and talking in that weird voice. Sure, there’s one or two other couches we could pull together to hang out, but we don’t want to do that for two reasons: first of all, it would be rude to you. Since there’s ten of us and only two of you, we would probably dominate the noise level in the area and scare you away.² It would make us happy to do so, but it would also leave us feeling a little rude. Second, if we didn’t end up dominating you out of the area, it would be incredibly awkward for us, even if we tried our best to ignore you.³

The problem with Cedarville University isn’t that it doesn’t have enough lounges. On the contrary, the school has more than enough lounges for people to study in/play games in/watch movies in if people would use them appropriately. The problem lies with the Awkward Couples that take up more than half of the lounges.⁴

Since I know this is probably a shocking revelation to you, finding out that the majority of the school can’t stand you, and since I’m also sure you have no idea how to correct this problem, I’ve provided some less-than-appealing (to you, not us. Though, trust me, they’re good for you.) suggestions for you to keep our lounges friendly to all ages.

Leave room for Jesus. Really, you don’t need to be practically on top of each other. I know, you think that you’re so awkwardly close that no RA would dare confront you on the matter because it would be more awkward for the RA than it would be for you two. But use some discretion here. This isn’t some Biblical principle I’m calling you out on, it just seems like common sense to me. Is it really healthy for you two to be that close? I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with holding hands or even putting your arm (not to be confused with arms, the plural form) around your significant other. But here’s a good rule to abide by: if someone may be caused discomfort by what you’re doing, it’s probably not appropriate for a lounge.⁵
Stop watching movies. I understand that Cedarville is a small campus in a small town that doesn’t provide a whole lot for entertainment, but there are other sources with which you may waste your time other than movies. For instance, how about actually talking to each other? Perhaps you could play a game. Anything, really, but watching movies all the time. Answer me this: how will you feel someday when your children ask you, “Mom, Dad, what did you two do in college to get to know each other before you got married?” and you’re forced to answer, “Nothing. Really—Nothing. Only the mindless, non-interactive activity of movie watching.”⁶
Stop staring at each other. Don’t worry. They won’t disappear if you look away. And those blue eyes will always be there.⁷ Nobody’s going to gouge them out of her.⁸ And if someone is, you probably have more important things to be thinking about so, again, stop staring at each other and contact the authorities. Anyway, you’ve decided to not watch movies, which is good, but instead you spend your time staring awkwardly into each other’s eyes. I suppose there is a time and a place for this because some people do have magnificent eyes (take Kylee for example. I stare into her Baby Blues regularly, but I don’t think I weird anybody out by doing it…I mean, everybody loves her eyes), but it’s not in a lounge making everyone around you feel uncomfortable.⁹
Hang out with other people. Turns out that when you become a couple with someone, the rest of your friends don’t drop off the planet. It’s true. We actually still want to hang out with you guys (so long as you’re not being disgusting and/or awkward). I hate it be the bearer of bad news, but not all relationships work out, especially those premature and immature ones that are basically built on you two sitting on each other. I’m not saying you’re going to break up, but there’s always that possibility. If that happens and you ditched all your friends when you met your Fancy, who do you have to fall back on? Look, even if you’re not going to break up and you’re quite sure you’re going to get married someday, you’re not off the hook; that’s still not healthy. You need friendships even after marriage (I know, it’s hard to believe).¹⁰

Those are just a few free alternatives. If you start spending money, the possibilities become endless, and we couldn’t be happier if you left campus.

All footnotes are courtesy of Jenna M. Woestman, the blogger responsible for most of the content at jennawoestman.com and who is an actual married woman.

1. So true. I concur, and since I’m married this makes me a marriage expert.
2. Which might not be a bad idea.
3. Creepy Couples are real unhealthy, not to mention totally creepy.
4. One time when I visited Cedarville, I saw like ten Lounge Couples in the DMC or whatever that place is called. TEN. That’s uncalled for.
5. I recommend leaving a Bible in between the two of you because it’s at least six inches wide and will pretty much always remind you to leave room for Jesus. My grandparents did this in college, and they actually have a picture of themselves standing outside a building with a Bible in between them. It’s pretty amazing, so you should follow their example.
6. Also, if you actually do wind up getting married, you may discover you don’t like this person much, that they mostly make you want to poke your eye out, because YOU NEVER TALKED TO THEM WHILE YOU WERE DATING.
7. Ew, sick.
8. Unless if Vikings overrun Cedarville, in which case you’re in trouble anyway.
9. I tried staring at Joey deeply into his eyes at our wedding…but since we never did it before then much it was kinda weird and sort of creepy. Plus he kept making slightly odd faces and telling me to “shhh” because I was trying to talk to him while Sister and Brother were singing, even though Pastor Steve had said we could talk if we wanted. (I’m pretty sure this will be a bone of contention until our dying day. He swears Pastor Steve didn’t say that, I say he did.) Anyways, all that to say you don’t have to stare creepily into one another’s eyes in order to get married.
10. Plus, if you ditch out on all your friends who will you have be your bridesmaids and groomsmen? You can’t just hire people for that job, it’s best if they’re friends. And if you have a ton of siblings and were planning on just picking them, that’s a total cop-out. You still do need friends. Trust me.

The Lonely Travelever

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2009-02-28T00:53:29-05:00

It’s that time of the semester again; time for break! Spring Break, that is. I know, “Your Spring Break is ridiculously early,” you say to me. I get that all the time, and I often find myself saying it as well. I mean, Spring doesn’t even officially start for something like a month, and it certainly doesn’t feel like Spring. Never the less, Cedarville declares March 1st through March 6th Spring Break, and I’m not going to argue about it anymore.

I only followed the typical Spring Break trend fifty percent. You know, go south to Florida. Usually Miami. Well, I went south, but not to Florida. I flew to Texas instead, to the residence of my beloved (and extremely feisty) sister, Jenna, and her ruggedly handsome husband, Joey. Oh, and Henry, their dog. He’s as much a part of the household as any human being.

It all started in the Columbus International Airport, a podunk airport that hardly lives up to its name as “International.” Columbus just wants to be bigger than it really is. Security was about the easiest I’ve ever been through in an International Airport. Sadly, my flight was delayed thirty minutes just after I got to the gate. Luckily, I had brought this month’s issue of Wired with me to keep me company.

I read an interesting article about delayed flights while waiting for my delayed flight. Here’s what I learned: 75% of all flight delays in America can be traced back to the skies over New York, specifically flights to and from the airports LaGuardia, JFK, and Newark. Which makes sense, if you think about it, considering there are some 2 million flights that fly over New York City each year. As a side note, LaGuardia is the single coolest airport name I’ve ever heard. But I digress.

Anyway, apparently the sky is mapped out like a bunch of highways with on and off ramps. Who knew? I didn’t. And each airplane is treated as though it’s 2,000 feet high and three miles wide. Well, apparently these highways are a little jammed over The City, so they’re working on “rebuilding” the skies, which is a pretty sweet concept. The ultimate plan costs $300,000 per cockpit (for new hardware/software) and requires building 800 or so buildings on the ground to map the locations of the airplanes, and is supposed to be implemented by 2025 or so. The redesigned cockpits would also change the FAA requirements that say a planes must be at least three miles apart when in flight, so there could be more flights taking off and landing per hour. The short term plan, set to launch in 2012, basically just remaps the on/off ramps and highways heading west out of the three airports.

All this large tangent just to say that my flight was delayed and it was probably JFK’s fault. I finally got on my flight from Columbus to Chicago. And can I just go on yet another tangent about Chicago O’Hare? I’ve never flown into that airport when there wasn’t plane parked at the gate my plane was assigned. How does that happen? You have hundreds of flights constantly going in and out of your airport; you assign each flight a gate. What kind of software does O’Hare use that it allows a gate to be double booked? The worst I ever had it was that we were reassigned to a new gate three times, each time when we got to the gate another plane was parked there. I was on that plane for over an hour.

Well, I didn’t have it so bad yesterday. In fact, we got to my gate and, to my complete surprise and joy, there was no other plane parked there! Unfortunately, they didn’t have anyone to operate the arm that lets us off the plane. I guess he went on lunch or something and forgot the giant metal thing in the sky was carrying a few hundred people that didn’t want to be cramped any longer. After remaining parked at the gate for some twenty minutes, someone must have looked out the window from the airport and said, “Oh, hey, guys, there’s a plane parked out there ... Do you suppose we should let the passengers off so they can get to their next flights?” Luckily, someone who knew how to operate the arm said “Yes.”

I got my next flight just in time board. My initial reaction was, “Aw, nuts, no time to write.” But my reaction after getting on the plane was, “Oh, crap, I was going to eat dinner at O’Hare ...” This was Bad News Bears because I didn’t get to Texas until 7:30 (which, to my tummy, felt like 8:30). Needless to say, I was very pleased when Jenna and Joey picked me up (holding a cardboard sign with “The Kid” written in sharpie on it), handed me a Cinnabon, and then took to me this delicious hot dog joint called Wild About Harry’s where I ate a Southwest Firedog, one of the most delectable brisket hot dogs I ever have eaten.

Upon arriving at their apartment, I was greeted by this sight.

And so here I remain for the next week. A week in which, hopefully, I will be able to blog a little more than usual. We’ll see what entertainment the week brings.

Culture Week at Chuck's and the Zoo That is Cedarville

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2009-02-05T13:58:59-05:00

My friends and I have noted a disturbing fact as of late. We are constantly on display. Now, this may not come as alarming to some of you. I guess in some form or another, everyone is always on display. But here at Cedarville, we sort of feel like we're more on display; like we're attractions in a zoo or something.

Every time I turn around, That Guy (you know who I'm talking about) is taking a picture of me, or videoing my friends and me having a conversation. If ever you look at him, he'll snap at you (he's not the best people person) and tell you, "Don't look at the camera. I'm not here!" Then he'll proceed to literally shove the camera into your face. Honestly, is a shot up my nose really necessary?

From the rumor weed I have attained that he's making a new "Come to Cedarville, We're Awesome Here" video. If that's true, props to him. Everyone should come to Cedarville, because we are awesome here. When compared to some 288 private and public universities all over the country, Cedarville ranked #1 in student satisfaction (and I know all three of those girls on that page)! I fully agree with that statistic because I'm fully satisfied here. Even still, the camera guy in my face is a bit excessive, and he's been filming this thing for over a semester now ... I've been on it countless times. Perhaps if he were a little more polite about it and not quite so creepy then nobody would mind, but he really was the talk of campus about a month back. It's sort of died down since then, but I still see him around.

We're not just on display for That Guy, though. There's tours going through all the time. Last time a tour walked by, which was about the third of fourth one I had accidently found myself in the middle of that week, I mentioned to Kylee, "Do you ever just feel like you're constantly on display? Like we're animals in a zoo or something." For some reason this cause her to start doing model poses. I'm not sure I see the correlation, but she finally stopped and agreed with me. But students, seriously, we want you to Cedarville. When you're a student here someday, you'll understand why it's kind of awkward to see a group of twenty high school students gawking at you like you're some kind of freak. "Mom, is that a real college student?!"

Anyway, this week is Culture Week here at Cedarville. The week where we have speakers come in to chapel to discuss diversity and other such good things. On Monday, Dr. Brown made a joke about this.

Certainly a funny picture. Half of the chapel laughed because they thought the humor was in the fact that Chanukah was spelled wrong (it's not ... Jewish people can't eat Ham ... That's the joke), but I digress. Less than twelve hours later, I walked into Chuck's to participate in the Monday night cultural event. I heard some sort of Middle-Eastern music and saw that it was Indian food tonight (and by Indian I do mean the country India, not the less than politically correct Native Americans). Apparently the point of the week is to have a different culture represented at Dinner so we can enjoy a diverse experience in Chuck's. Here's the problem: I've found that Chuck's "enlightenment" of the cultures is more of a disgrace to whatever culture he chooses. It's horribly stereotypical. For instance, on Soul Food night, we are served mashed potatoes and gravy, buiscuits, corn bread, collard beans, and fried chicken while Christian rap renditions of secular songs play over the speakers (for instance, J-Kwon’s “Tipsy”). (If we wanted a truly cultural experience, shouldn’t you be playing “Can I Get A ...” by Jay-Z, Chuck?)

But Monday night, the very same day that Dr. Brown had made his pointed joke about whatever that grocery store was advertising Ham as a delicious addition to your Chanukah, Chuck's serves Indian Beef. So I googled it. There are recipes for Indian Beef. I have no idea what it is, but it seems ironic to me that, on the night we're representing the nation that is known for being the largest Hindu nation in the world, we are served beef; a nation that is known for having meatless hamburgers at their McDonalds; a nation that sued a Japanese airline for serving beef on a connecting flight.

Perhaps it's my own naivity, but why was beef served on the night we were being enlightened on the Indian culture?

Despite this week being lousy at Chuck's, we still have the highest student satisfaction, not because of our food during weeks such as these, but because of the Cedarville environment. Just come visit and you'll see that. We all love it here, and we're willing to put up with silly little things like this simply because the school itself is so stellar.

Minier: Sorry for Breaking the Elevator ... Again

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2009-02-05T10:35:57-05:00

It wasn't all that different from a normal morning, really. I woke up a little before nine, slinked my way out of the top bunk, observed that my roommate was still asleep, and quietly crept out of the room to the shower. Apparently my shower wasn't cold enough or something, because I could still feel that the sleepyness was winning in the fight for my body as I got back to my room. Dave was still asleep. Since the time was nearly past the point of him rolling out of bed, throwing on some clothes, and walking with me to chapel on time, I opted out of waiting for him and quickly got dressed myself.

Still somewhat groggy, I left my room and decided against the stairs. This early in the morning I just might tumble down them after losing my footing, and I do live on the third floor of Brock ... I deserved an elevator ride, I thought.

I pushed the call button. Immedietly, the doors to the waiting elevator pulled open. I stepped inside and pushed the button for the first floor. Here's where things began to get hazy, because in my delusional state, I'm not entirely sure what happened. This is what I remember: directly after pressing the button for the first floor, the elevator tried to go down. This wasn't all that bad of a decision on the elevators part, considering they are made to go up and down, except that it had forgotten to close the door first. Luckily, our elevator, as any good elevator should be, is equipped with a safety that won't allow the elevator to leave the floor until the door is closed. This resulted in the elevator shaking violently up and down; trying to move, trying to close the door, and probably trying to stop, all at the same time, all as I was thrown against the walls, grabbing the hand rails for dear life.

Finally, the elevator realized it should close the doors before trying to head down. It abruptly stopped shaking up and down and tried to close the door. We must have been just a notch below the resting point for the third floor, because the door had a horrible time trying to close. While it was trying to close at very slow speeds, the sound it made resembled that of a car crash, or some equally painful sound where metal is grinding and bending against metal. I took this opportunity, as the door was closing at just under the speed of a snail, to dive out of the elevator.

As I stood just outside the elevator, panting and trying to regain breath and concienceness, the grinding stopped and the door glided to a close. Then the power turned off. Needless to say, I took the stairs.

The Brock elevator has yet to work since this happened. This my open apology letter to you all. I never should have hit the button for the first floor ...

Pungent Thoughts, One Blood, and Barack Obama

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2009-01-29T22:24:22-05:00

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference in the world

It's certainly not scripture, but we can still learn a valuable lesson from the closing line of Frost's poem, “The Road Not Taken.” Something that has always jumped out at me. He didn't come to the crossroads and say, "I stood there waiting indefinitely or at least until someone else made a decision for me."

How can it be that people remain indecisive about such pertinant matters? I can understand when you struggle to decide which sandwich to eat, or whether or not to attend a concert, but how can people idly sit by and let a decision that effects nearly every aspect of their life be left to life's circumstances? In the matter of voting, a lot of people think that their vote won’t matter because they aren’t in a swing state, or they can’t decide between the two candidates so they’d rather just let someone else make a choice for them. The first reason is no excuse, and I’m a little more prone to accept the second if and only if I don’t hear a complaint or praise out of your mouth over the decision for the next four years. If you don’t like something Obama does (or, really, even if you do) in the next four years but you didn’t vote for or against him, you gave up your right to have an opinion. Now, annoyingly, America still gives you that right, and I still have to put up with it.

The thing about indecision is, you think you're taking control by distancing yourself, but in reality you're giving control to everyone else around you. You've been given an amazing freedom and an amazing right in this country, and it bothers me how little people care about that. Whether you like it or not, your inability to make a decision is essentially you consigning your life to everyone else in the world. For you, the wonderful thing about America is that you have just as much of a right not to vote as you do to vote. A vote that someone in a communist country may have given their life for.

I guess I should touch on the “one blood” part of this rant. Ryan a book of that title in which it is proposed that all humans are of one blood. As in, we’re all from Adam and Eve at some point. True story, but the book continues to go on and argue that there’s no such thing as race, and that we’re all exactly alike because we’re from one blood. There’s only one race, and that is the human race. I’ve heard this proposition a few times from speakers in our chapel and in other Christian circles, and this thought really bothers me.

Those attempting to adhere to the fact that there is only one race and ethnicity is irrelevant are living in the past. Maybe in the 1800s that’s what the word “race” meant, but definitions change. You can’t just decide your definition of a word isn’t going to change with the culture. If you’re going to play that game, try to say “faggot” or “gay” in front of a homosexual and see how far that gets you.

Definitions change. Currently, “race” means “each of the major divisions of humankind, having distinct physical characteristics.” That’s the definition. So why would you write an entire book trying to argue a definition? Write about a book about racism, write a book about being counter-cultural, but a book arguing that a definition is wrong is just silly. There are people with darker skin from other parts of the world. There are people with different noses, different eyes, and different hair, and that’s wonderful!

I love the old-school Michael W. Smith song “Color Blind,” but I disagree with its message. It wouldn’t be better if we could all be color blind. We’re all of the humankind, yes, but we’re many of us of a different race, and that’s the beauty of God’s creation. Kristi is short and from the Philippines, and I wouldn’t have her any other way, dark-skin, long black hair and all. If she was any other way, she wouldn’t be Kristi.

All races are equal, I completely believe that, and that’s one of the points Ken Ham is trying to get across on some level, but the extent to which he goes to say this, and the fact that he’s arguing with an indisputable fact (that someone from Ethiopia, by definition, is a different race than me) just doesn’t work for me. That, and I don’t agree with half the examples he uses. And he’s barking up the wrong tree. The problem isn’t race. Race is just another way for God to display his creativity and beauty. The issue is hatred, jealousy, and ultimately sin.

Transitioning very rapidly to a slightly different subject, I found it special, and something that I had previously taken for granted, that the day President Barack Obama was inaugurated was the day after Martin Luther Kind Day. Whether you voted for Obama, agree with his policies, or think he’s the devil himself (yes, someone told me that in seriousness), you still have to give credit to the significance of having our first African American president. Many of our parents and grandparents can clearly remember the days when black people were not allowed to walk beside white people or drink out of the same drinking fountain. Today, equality rules the nation, and where millions of black people were beaten, tortured, and not even considered human, there now stands an African American who is ruling our great nation.

Then there’s those of you who would say we don’t have a great nation. After all, how could a great nation vote such a stark, black liberal into office? (And some of you are offended by that sentence. Good. That’s the proper reaction.) Some of you think that a great nation couldn’t vote someone into office that so quickly signed FOCA and who’s party is for the advancement of choice in defining marriage. I think it’s for those reasons that we’re a great country.

Allow me to elaborate. I am utterly against homosexuality and the mass murder of unborn babies. Not because I’m against you as a person if you agree with those things, but because I believe, in alignment with my relationship with Jesus Christ, that homosexuality and abortion are morally wrong. But this is where it becomes difficult for me. America is not a Christian nation. America never was a Christian nation. It was founded on moral principles by deists and freemasons. And to this begs the philosophical question, “What is morality?” Is it something defined by an all-powerful, all-loving God who’s character is impeccable? Or is it defined by a society and what it chooses to be right and wrong? Well, I know what I believe, but what I believe is not the belief of this country. This country is free. Though the country was founded on moral principles and many of the founding fathers were deists, the country was founded on the principles of freedom. So, tell me, in the name of freedom, religion and morality aside, do you have a choice to marry who you want? Do you have a choice to rid yourself of that baby?

Now, I love babies. Sadly, babies don’t love me. And it saddens me that millions upon millions of babies are killed every year. I believe life starts at conception. There’s no doubt in my mind that abortion is murder. But what if the vast majority of our country rules that, even if life is at conception, taking the life of an unborn infant should be the choice of the mother? Should we allow her that choice? If morality for a non-religious person truly is determined by society, this would be a perfectly natural and free turn for America to make.

I don’t like talking about unborn babies so flippantly, but that and the decision of homosexual marriage do bring interesting thoughts to my mind when I realize I don’t live in a Christian nation. What would happen if these things did happen? How would I feel about it? I would be saddened by it and I would try to protect the lives of unborn babies. They have just as much of a right to live as anyone else. But not everyone else believes the same as me. And I don’t recall anywhere in the Bible God telling me to live in a world surrounded by those who have the same ideals, morals, and beliefs as myself. I’m blessed to live in a free country, a country where you have a right to choose your lifestyle, and that blessing comes with heavy potential burdens attached to it.

This Site is Bogus

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2009-01-23T17:12:12-05:00

The subject says it all. So Jenna was successful in making one of those cool “Celebrity Look-Alike” things, and not to be left out, Kylee and I did one too. It failed horribly for me. Over half of the options it picked for me were women. I mean, I’d like to think I’m as attractive as Penelope Cruz, but I’m not. It’s worse though. It’s not just that Penelope Cruz (and five other girls) was one of the options. No, she was chosen as the one that I most resemble ... 73%. On top of that, three of the guys it actually chose have facial hair, and a lot of it. This site is bogus.

Kylee’s was better. At least she got all girls picked for her.

Windows Gets a Face Lift

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2009-01-23T08:51:56-05:00

Microsoft has been (officially) beta testing their newest operating system, Windows 7 (previously known under the codenames Blackcomb and Vienna), for about nearly a month now, and the results are looking extremely promising.

According to the "reliable" source of Wikipedia, it's due out in late 2009 with ... *groan* ... numerous editions yet again. With all the notes Microsoft seems to be taking from Apple, why can't they understand one of the most significant notes? And that is, users want simplicity. We don't want seven editions, we want one. One edition that does it all. But really, as far as Windows 7 goes, that's the ugliest monster in the room. No speculations as to the price of the new OS yet, but if it's reasonable, Windows 7 may be promising enough to get me to upgrade from XP on my laptop.

Originally, Microsoft planned for Windows 7 (at the time called 6.1) was supposed to be a minor upgrade from Windows Vista. Sort of like a service pack. Microsoft also decided they were going to pull out all the stops and get the operating system out in less than three years! However, with the horrible publicity and reputation that came upon Microsoft with the release of Windows Vista, they decided to get as far away from the Vista name as possible to regain their name. To do this, they decided to quit with the naming convention and just stick to numbers, and since Windows Vista was technically Windows 6.0, they jumped a whole number altogether to get away from it.

Windows 7 isn't built from the ground up. To do so for a universal operating system like Windows would be grueling and only introduce a tremendous amount of bugs. It is still, in fact, an upgrade to Windows Vista. It's an upgrade to Windows Vista that shows real potential in getting Microsoft back into the game of practicallity and putting them back at the forefront operating systems, a lead they've lost with the growing popularity of user-friendly and eye-candy operating systems like Linux Ubuntu and Mac OS X.

Microsoft decided to take notes. After their advertising campaigns to compete Apple's anti-Windows ads backfired humiliatingly (numerous campaigns, I might add, entailing hundreds of millions of dollars each) and only ended up to increase the popularity of Apple's products, they decided their money might be better suited in actually reparing their horribly broken operating system.

Initial benchmarks show that Windows 7 outperforms both Vista (obviously) and XP in almost every area, including start up time, shutdown time, application launch, the recovery from sleep. It still requires a ridiculous 1GB of memory to run properly and leaves an enormous footprint of nearly 13GB (it requires 16GB to install, though). Users often excuse this, saying it doesn't matter since our computers now come with terabyte hard drives and 4GB of memory straight out of the box. This is not a legitimate excuse. A dual-core 2.4GHz processor can compute some 48,000,000,000 periods per second; do you understand the raw power your computer could harness without an operating system (and perhaps the von Neumann Bottleneck) getting in the way? If Microsoft spent less time bloating their operating system and more time allowing applications to speak directly to the hardware, the supercomputers of the future that we so frequently dream would already be here. Anyway, OS X Leopard only requires 512MB of memory to run and 9GB of hard disk space, numbers that still aren't excusable but are good for comparison.

So how about the interface? Like performance, it's significantly better too, right? Definitely. The new taskbar finally dares to do what Vista was too scared to; it abandons the bulky wordage that Microsoft has kept since Windows 95. All applications are represented only by a larger icon of what they are, a design strikingly similar to that of the Mac operating system. To access your entire list of programs, the start menu is still on the left; it looks nearly identical to the menu in Vista with a few added features for simplicty and an improved search speed. Hovering over any icons on the taskbar will render a preview of the open application.

My Computer seems to have been revamped as well with a new way of organizing thing ... A way that, again, looks strikingly similar to the way Apple has chosen to organize Finder. They now support Libraries (Smart Folders), HomeGroup (Bonjour, anyone?), and a nicely organized tree on the left to sort through all the files on your computer. And thank goodness the device manager has finally been tweaked to be more organized.

Perhaps one of my favorites are the new gestures that Windows 7 employs. Drag a program to the top of the screen to maximize it. Throw it against the left or right side of the screen to maximize it to only that side of the screen for easy cascading. Want to hide all the windows so you can see your desktop? Click on the bottom-right hand corner of the screen. And want to make all those other nasty windows disappear except the one you're working with? Click on the menu bar and shake the window. If you need them all to reappear, shake it again. Shaking windows, Microsoft? Now you have been taking notes from Ubuntu ...

Finally, users can decide what they want and don't want in the system tray. This was allowed, to some extent, in Windows XP (and sort of in Vista), but only through the control of the application itself. Microsoft promised it would be allowed for both XP and Vista, but they have yet to come through on their promise. Until now. In Windows 7, if you don't want that icon in your system tray, or if you want it in a different location, just move it! You decide what and how things go in your taskbar!

After using Windows 7 myself and reading several reviews on the subject, the best quote I've heard yet comes straight from AppleInsider.

"But the company is also focusing attention on new performance and usability improvements over Vista, essentially marketing Windows 7's departures from Vista's originally touted features as a feature in itself. There's much less attention on gloss and a new effort in place to present fewer system interruptions due to warning messages like those associated with User Account Control."

"Actual new consumer-facing features in Windows 7 are slight enough for Microsoft to refer to "screen dimming" as significant new feature related to battery life. The Windows 7 website notes, "Bright idea: With a display that dims automatically, you get longer battery life" (below). This feature has been in Windows for at least fifteen years, so it appears the company is rather desperately scraping the barrel for features it can promote in its new operating system release."

I don't say all this to rag on Microsoft. In fact, I'm quite impressed that they seem to be trying to roll out an operating system in less than six years this time. But whether you like Vista or not, if you understand proper proramming and proper computing, you understand Vista was and is a failure. Windows 7 has huge promise, and I'm not upset one bit that the "promise" it's showing (much like all the promise Windows Vista showed, though it was little) is coming straight out of Mac OS X and popular Linux distros such as Ubuntu. Microsoft is the computing giant in the world, and we all know giants move slowly. The little companies have taken off, and Microsoft is finally getting around to catching up. If the final release even maintains the light shown in this beta release (but I'm hoping it still improves even more), I will gladly purchase a license and finally perform a full upgrade from Windows XP on my ... MacBook Pro.

Only the Stupidest Song Lyrics

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2009-01-19T15:28:56-05:00

Remember when you were little and your mom would ask you, “Do you even listen to the lyrics of these songs?” You usually replied, “No, I just liked the music.” Oddly, your parents never believed you. I’ve noticed something scary. I now find myself asking myself (and my peers) the exact same question for entirely different reasons. Not because the lyrics may be deemed inappropriate, but because they’re completely illogical and/or stupid! Honestly, how does this crap get popular? This could be a rather long rant ...

Let’s start with something mild. In 1984, Sade’s single “Smooth Operator” was a little proportionally challenged.

Coast to coast
LA to Chicago

In case you are unaware, Chicago isn’t on the coast ...

In 1998, Des’ree released her peculiarly popular song entitled “Life.” In this song, the British Pop singer singer tells us of her superstitions, phobias, and travels around the world.

I’m afraid of the dark
Especially when I’m in a park
And there’s no one else around
Ooh, I get the shivers

Alright, so apparently our girl is a little freaked out because she’s alone in a park in the dark. That much is obvious, but what has always bothered me is the fact that she knows she fears the dark and yet is still in the park ... By herself. Why are you in the park, ma’am? Metaphorical songs are awesome, but this one has me puzzled. Unfortunately, she goes on.

I don’t want to see a ghost
It’s a sight I fear the most
I think I’ll have a piece of toast
And watch the evening news

Apparently toast is what calms her nerves. And the evening news. To me, watching the news does anything but calm my nerves, but I’m not here to judge. However, if I were here to judge, I would say something about the horrible rhyme in those first three lines. Oh, then there’s the second verse.

I’m a superstitious girl
I’m the worst in the world
Never walk under ladders
I keep my rabbit’s tail

She was so careful to rhyme the first verse, what happened here? Additionally, she must have been asleep in History class when they covered European Celtic culture; it’s a rabbit’s foot that’s good luck, Des’ree.

But we’ve all heard comedians and critics alike rant about this song’s stupidity, right? Unfortunately, lyrics haven’t gotten much better in recent years. 1999 saw the release of Crazy Town’s “Butterfly,” a much more catchy song (if you ask me, which you are) than “Life,” but there was one line that always bothered me.

Hey, Sugar Momma, come and dance with me
The smartest thing you ever did was take a chance with me
Whatever tickles your fancy
Girl, it’s you like Sid and Nancy

I’ve never had much success referring to an bonnie lasse as “Sugar Momma.” What’s always really bothered me is the reference to Sid Vicious and Nancy Spungen here. Sid was suspected of the drugging and murdering of his girlfriend, Nancy. Very romantic. I wonder how much success Bret Mazur of Crazy Town has with the ladies when he says their relationship can be like Sid and Nancy’s, if that’s what she’s in to. Creep.

Timbaland appears to be as geographically challenged as Sade is with his 2007 single, “Give it to Me.”

I’m a real producer and you just a piano man
I’m respected from California way down to Japan

Google Map it, Tim. Japan is pretty much 4,000 miles directly west of California.

Then there’s Hawk Nelson’s 2004 song, “Letters to the President.”

If I was brave I’d write a letter to the President
And have him pass it to the leaders of our parliament

I don’t even need to list the remainder of the chorus. They repeat this line at least three times in the song, and it has always bothered me immensely. Look, I understand that you’re from Ontario, but you still have no grounds to speak such idiocy. Canada has a Parliamentary Democracy and a Constitutional Monarchy; they do not have a president. The United States (which is presumably what the song is referring to since they live here now and address our issues and reference “states”) has a President. We do not have a parliament or any form thereof. There’s really no way you can even try to bend the rules to excuse the lyrics in this song.

I could go on with about ten more that I’ve got up my sleeve, but I’d rather cut to the chase and get to my favorite one. Taylor Swift’s most recent release, “Love Story,” potentially takes the cake on having either horrible analogies or blatant ignorance.

The song entails the story of how she fell in love with some guy when she was young. They refer to themselves as Romeo and Juliet. I’ve never understood the songs (or stories, or whatever) that glorify Romeo and Juliet as both a happy and wonderful story of love. Sure, Romeo and Juliet defied all odds to be together, which is a pretty awesome tail of love. But they ended up both dying, of by their own hand, in the end of the story. Why would you want to emulate that relationship?

See the lights
See the party, the ball gowns
I see you make your way through the crowd
And say hello, little did I know
That you were Romeo
You were throwing pebbles
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet

Okay, first big mistake you make: you didn’t listen to your daddy. See, we have those for a reason. They can pick out the creepy guys pretty well, and when they tell you to stay away from a guy, it’s usually for good reason. And there you go comparing yourselves to Romeo and Juliet, which means you’re pretty much setting yourselves up for failure or a horribly depressing fling.

So I sneak out to the garden to see you
We keep quiet cuz we’re dead if they knew
So close your eyes
Escape this town for a little while

Great. Now he has you sneaking out for him. See? Bad guy. You should have listened to your dad!

Cuz you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter

First your comparing your love story to Romeo and Juliet, and now the Scarlet Letter? Question: have you ever actually read either of these works before writing this song? Or, perhaps a more relevant question, do you proof what your ghost writers come up with? Or are you, for some reason, happily calling yourself an adulteress? Because that’s what the scarlet letter represented in the book.

You’ll be the prince, and I’ll be the princess

See, here’s the thing, Romeo was the son of Lord and Lady Montague who were just that ... A Lord and a Lady. The son of a Lord and a Lady is wealthy, to be sure, but by no means a prince. Similarly, Juliet was not a princess, and neither is Taylor Swift. At least, as far as I know.

The most drastic transition comes with the final verse, and it comes with little to no explanation. Romeo has apparently been gone for a while when one day, as Juliet is peering out of the the highest window in the tallest tower of her castle, she sees Romeo coming in the distance and sings the final verse.

Romeo save me, I’ve been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head? I don’t know what to think
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring and said
“Marry me, Juliet. You’ll never have to be alone
I love you and that’s all I really know
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress
It’s a love story, Baby, just say, ‘Yes’”

What’s the deal with Juliet’s father? I thought he didn’t like this guy. He must be really convincing or something, and he needs to give me a few pointers, because Emilie’s dad doesn’t like me and I’m trying to work on that. Anyway, this guy apparently disappears for an extended period of time, leaving Juliet hanging (not a good way to impress the ladies from what I’ve learned), and he comes back with a ring fully expecting her to marry him now? If I were her father, I wouldn’t let them get married. Anyway, aside from that, if Juliet is truly the scarlet letter that she refers to herself as, she couldn’t wear a white dress, and I find it interesting that she specifies that it’s a white dress. I know our culture doesn’t respect the white dress thing anymore, but they would have in the ‘ol days.

All this to say, you apparently don’t need to have much knowledge of history, geography, or literature to write a song and compose stupid love analogies. You can be pretty much anybody and write pretty much anything and still, somehow, get popular. It really is all in who you know. Also, listen to your daddy. He knows best.

End rant.

First Week Ramblings

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2009-01-09T17:40:01-05:00

Passing Out

How many people have to pass out in chapel before we’re considered charismatic? I said at least ten, but Dave thinks we can probably get away with just five. Either way, I don’t think we’re up to charismatic yet ... But we’re gaining fast.

I’m back at school again, and this week is the Spring Missions Conference. Yes, we’ve already had two people pass out. In chapel. On the same day. I think this may be a hint as to how stellar our speakers have been thus far, specifically two days ago when the two people passed out.

The first guy was the camera man. I’m guessing he locked his knees, but I think it’s more fun to blame it on the speaker who couldn’t even hold Jessica’s interest enough to keep her taking notes. And she always takes notes.

The second one was somebody in the back. I didn’t see them, but just as chapel was just getting out, Jesse Jones (my hero) flipped open his phone to view a text message. I then heard him mutter, “Oh, crap, somebody else passed out.”
“Wait, what? Besides the camera guy?”
“Yah, they’re in the back,” he replied as he threw his backpack over his shoulder and darted to the back of the chapel. Jesse is an EMT. He’s also a stud. And yes, ladies, I do believe he’s single.

Elevator

Campus Safety has it out to get us. By us I basically only mean the dorm of Brock. The elevator hasn’t worked all year, but at the beginning of this semester our RD sent out an email informing us that it has been turned on again. It was turned off at the beginning of the year due to “improper use.” We’re not sure what that means; all we did was put a bench and a lounge chair on it ... Repeatedly ... After they kept getting taken off, presumably by Campus Safety or Maintenance.

Anyway, our elevator is back on, and Dave and I are making the most of it. We’re pretty lazy when it comes to stairs. However, the elevator is really creepy to use ... It makes all sorts of creaking sounds and sways back and forth as it crawls up and down. I honestly think we’re going to end up getting stuck in it one of these days. Dave’s motto is, “Never ride in an elevator with someone you wouldn’t be willing to make out with for a few hours if the elevator got stuck.” I’m not sure what this means considering he rides up and down with me regularly, but we inform anyone riding on the elevator with us of our motto, just so they know.

Kristi’s Still Small

It turns out Kristi hasn’t grown any over break. She still fits just as snugly as before in one of these chairs.

Classes, etc.

Except for lab, I’ve now attended all of my classes. I have all my classes on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and one of them (which is a five-credit class) is also on Tuesday, Thursday. I’m taking Calculus II, General Physics I, Discrete Math, and Programming Language Survey. It’s going to be a lot of work, but I think I’ll be able to handle it. This afternoon I finished putting all of my assignments into a calendar entitled “Schoolwork” on Google Calendar. I found a way to properly synchronize Google Calendar with iCal, which syncs with iTunes, which syncs with my iPod! Now my entire schedule and all my homework with me wherever I go!

Random Quote

“Wow ... Well now I’ve seen everything!”
“Really? Have you seen a man eat his own head?”
I don’t know if it was just too late at night or ... What, but this quote was about the only redeeming quality to this movie, which shall remain unnamed for security reasons.

Weekend

I’ve officially made it to my first weekend back at school. It’s Friday, and I’ve finished all classes for today. Kylee and I (and anyone else that decides to tag along) are going to see Seven Pounds tonight. Tomorrow I’ll start on getting ahead on all my homework.

The first week always seems to be the worst. It’s when you’re experiencing that shock of going from waking up at eleven in the morning and doing absolutely nothing all day back to waking up with the sun to stress yourself out all day. But it always gets better. The semester is almost never as bad as the syllabi or prof make them out to be the first day of class (and one of my profs certainly made the class out to be awful ... But it won’t be).

All-in-all, it’s great to be back with friends and at the school I love. And I’m really looking forward to this semester. And, yes, I do realize this is the most random and unorganized post I’ve ever written. You’ll have to give me a break. It’s just the end of the first week, which both similar (in terms of your mind being fried) and completely different than (in terms of amount of stress and workload) than Finals Week.

Girlfriend Potential Test

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-12-23T14:06:41-05:00

In recent months, I’ve had droves of attractive ladies ask me, “Alex, how can I become your girlfriend?” Due to my extreme popularity, I haven’t had time to give any of them a proper answer up until now. But now I have the answer. The following is the Girlfriend Potential Test. You must receive an adequate score on this exam in order to be considered Girlfriend Potential. “Adequate” is decided by myself and, of course, my sister, Jenna, who has protective custody over my relationship status. This exam has been adapted from several tests I’ve seen scattered around the internet, but it is mostly the creation of myself and Jenna.

Overview and Instructions
The following exam will be administered to all females that are interested in the pursuit of a relationship with one Alex Laird of Cedarville University in Ohio. Only those exams completed by a female in under the alloted fifty-minute time limit will be reviewed. You will be graded on grammar, spelling, creativity, the ability to construct a proper sentence, and lastly your overall appearance. Please submit all answers via email in a text document as an attachment to both alexdlaird@gmail.com and jenna.woestman@gmail.com. Be sure to mark the email as Urgent and put “'Student’s Name' - Girlfriend Potential Test” in the subject line, replacing 'Student’s Name' with your actual name. Include a decent, personal photograph with a minimum resolution of 800x600. Please ensure that your name, number, state of residence, and most recent IQ score are displayed prominently in the upper right-hand corner of the paper. When submitting the completed exam, each question should be copied and pasted with your answer promptly following it.

Please keep in mind that this is not a job application. However, your performance on this exam will very accurately portray your cleverness and most likely your ability to succeed when put in a real work environment. I reserve the right to submit your exam results to any future employer as either a recommendation of your abilities or in jest to show them what you aren’t capable of.

You have fifty minutes to complete this test. Your time starts now.

Section One: Multiple Choice (Answer All, 30 Points)
1.) Finish this lyric. “Apple bottom jeans ...”
A.) With the fur. The whole club was looking at her.
B.) Make me look, like, real hot.
C.) OMG I love that song!
D.) Heaven preserve us ... I’m not finishing that lyric. Do you realize Flo Rida’s name is just Florida with a space dropped in randomly?

2.) I’m going to college:
A.) To get my M-R-S degree.
B.) So I can get a good education and make a difference in the world someday.
C.) Because my parents are paying for it, so why not? I don’t actually plan on applying myself at all.
D.) Because I figured it was better than working at McDonald’s.
E.) ... Wait. I’m not going to college, actually.

3.) We’ve talked every night for several hours (not including the Dinner and a movie we had on Saturday, or the Monday night that I came over and we baked cookies), with conversation time averaging about an hour per night. On a Thursday night, when on a deadline, I express a need to get off the phone so I can finish some work and get to bed at a reasonable hour. You:
A.) Take this as a sign that I’m abandoning you, begin to point out all my flaws and that I clearly have commitment issues, and then cry.
B.) Say goodbye, but manage to do it with such menace and venom that I stay on the phone for another three silent hours, broken only occasionally by fits of gentle weeping and muttered curses.
C.) Say goodbye, but then immediately embark on another conversation entirely, discussing it as thoroughly as is scientifically, legally, or religiously possible so I can’t get a word in edge-wise.
D.) Express your feelings of devotion in three words or less, then quickly say goodbye after confirming plans for tomorrow night are still on.

4.) We’re having a fight. You:
A.) Use my past stupidities against me, even though they are completely irrelevant, I’ve apologized for them, and you said you had forgiven me several months prior.
B.) Give me space when the discussion gets too heated for rational thought, and redress your complaints in a calm manner when we’ve both had a chance to cool down.
C.) Flip me The Bird.
D.) Realize the fight is about nothing, so you begin creating fictional problems and making wild accusations about my obsession with material goods and having a wandering eye.
E.) Both c and d.

5.) I’m going out on a Friday night to hang with a bunch of my buddies. You:
A.) Immediately assume there will be female buddies there as well, that I’m in love with one of them, and become irrationally jealous. You never verbalize this too me, so I’m only lost as you stomp around my apartment and give me the cold shoulder.
B.) See this as a great opportunity to get some things done without me around.
C.) See this as a sign that you are probably just a casual thing that I could toss aside at any given moment, despite the fact that we’ve hung out the last seven evenings and I’ve still somehow managed to write you letters every other day this week.
D.) Ask if you can come along.
E.) Invite yourself and a bunch of your girlfriends along without asking my permission.
F.) Have a girls night. Hanging out with boys all the time isn’t good for anyone.
G.) Both b and f.

6.) In order to attract a male, you would:
A.) Act like a complete ditz. Guys love ditzy girls!
B.) Act superior and arrogant. Guys love it when they’re inferior to a woman.
C.) Act like yourself. Guys love it when a girl is genuine and they don’t have to figure out who she really is after they’ve already fallen for whatever show she put on when they first met.
D.) Wear the least amount of fabric as is legally possible. Guys love seductive girls.

7.) You would date a guy because:
A.) He was extremely attractive. (Hint: This is the wrong answer. God made girls to be attractive, not guys.)
B.) He’s smart!
C.) He’ll probably be rich someday, or he is rich currently.
D.) He was manipulative and somehow managed to convince you that you were in love with him ... So I guess you’re supposed to date?
E.) You had compatible personalities, were able to resolve misunderstandings without the obligatory fist fights, and you found yourself quite smitten with who he was.

8.) You buy clothes based on:
A.) Seventeen Magazine’s top picks.
B.) What’s cute and comfortable and doesn’t look like the sewing machine ran out of thread when it reached your midriff.
C.) Whatever’s newest at Abercrombie.
D.) Nothing. My mom makes them for me.

9.) You’re going clothes shopping, and the only option you have is to take me with you. You:
A.) Ignore the fact that I’m completely and hopelessly bored out of my mind, asking me repeatedly with every outfit you try on, “Does this make me look fat?”
B.) Come up with a creative game plan to help me enjoy shopping with you, keeping in mind that my retail-oriented attention span is about twelve minutes and that I am prone to wandering after flashing lights and shiny things.
C.) Attempt to keep the shopping experience as short as possible, getting only what you absolutely need and trying things on only the minimum number of times (in my opinion, not yours).
D.) Both b and c.
E.) Spontaneously add stores to the list every time we’re about to approach the “almost done” mark. These stores were not discussed prior to leaving the apartment.

10.) Assuming things without asking me to confirm them, and/or making wild and negative accusations off of single statements I make (probably sarcastic statements, at that), and/or putting words in my mouth, and/or twisting words I have previously said to make them sound derogatory:
A.) Are all necessary to a healthy relationship and help spur constructive criticism and beneficial arguments.
B.) Are expected and rational things to do, especially when you feel cornered or as if you may be losing an argument.
C.) May be good or bad, depending on your current mood, how your week has been going, and whether I asked you about your current mood and how your week has been going.
D.) Are all completely inappropriate and should never be done under any circumstances. Rational thought is required in every conversation, whether an argument or just casual.

Section Two: True or False (Answer All, 30 Points)
Answer true or false for the following fifteen questions. If you answer false, correct the statement to make it true.

1.) Wearing a skirt overtop a pair of pants is an attractive and fashionable choice.
2.) Learning to interpret body language and communication cues is important.
3.) Arguments are vital to any good relationship.
4.) Discussions are vital to any good relationship.
5.) Arguments and discussions are the same thing.
6.) Your cat is very intuitive--probably as intuitive, if not more so, than myself.
7.) Demetri Martin is the best comedian of all time.
8.) A proper relationship requires effort from both sides.
9.) Rationale and reason are the same thing.
10.) You don’t actually need that dress, cute hat, or additional pair of shoes.
11.) Any argument can always be resolved with the proper amount of yelling if the words are vulgar or incoherent.
12.) Properly constructed sentences are important when attempting to persuade someone in a discussion.
13.) Bono is probably the most important political figure of our generation.
14.) Throwing furniture is a legitimate alternative to constructive conversation.
15.) Your conversation with me, in person, is more important than any and all of the texting conversations within your mobile device.

Section Three: Essay (Answer One, 40 Points)
Select one of the following questions and answer it as thoroughly as time will allow. Please try to be as descriptive and complete as possible, including at least two persuading arguments to support your case. Arguments should be backed up with cited evidence, not anecdotal perspective.

1.) If I were a crime-fighting vigilante by night, what efforts would you make to support my case about the rising threat of evil in this city?
2.) Give evidence, citing sources and giving references whenever possible, that you are a laid back person with a good sense of humor, including the ability to appreciate sarcasm.
3.) What is the likelihood that, if called upon to serve your country, you would be able to broker world peace using your charm and good looks alone?

Sitting in Traffic

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-12-24T04:02:20-05:00

Yes, I am writing a blog post at 3am. What are you going to do about it? Apparently nothing, and apparently I can do nothing about it either. Well, I guess I could just not write it, but that wouldn’t help the fact that I’m still stuck awake at this hour. Since I just finished reading Fight Club again, and I’ve already exhausted much of my other reading for this trip, it seems the only thing I really have left to do is write.

This has been the longest trip to Indiana I’ve ever participated in. In fact, in the time I’ve been in the car, I could have now almost gone to and back from my grandparent’s house (in optimal weather conditions, of course). That’s right, I’m approaching coming up on being in the car for twelve hours. For a six hour trip.

We left knowing there were adverse weather conditions, but honestly they weren’t that bad. A little ice here, a little show there. No problem. We just took our time. There were times we went twenty-five, there were times we went sixty-five. I’m not sure we ever fully went the speed limit, but we went fast enough at least.

All those cars with their lights flashing. Why are your Hazard Lights flashing? It seems every three or four cars there would be another that had their Hazards turned on. Attention Everyone: Your hazard lights are to alert the traffic around you that, yes, you are indeed doing something out of the norm. When everyone around is going twenty-five due to slushy and unpleasant road conditions, your Hazards are only a nuisance. On top of that, you have to keep in mind people can’t tell when your break lights are on or if you’re switching lanes when you leave your Hazard lights on.

Highway 32 goes between Lebanon and Crawfordsville, Indiana, essentially connecting I-72 to I-465. I-465 is the bypass that goes around Indianapolis. My grandparent’s live in Carmel, on the North side. The interstate East of Champagne, Illinois was fine; slushy, but not too icy. Highway 32, on the other hand, was not fine. It was a perfect glaze of ice. We were on it for only a few minutes before retreating back to the interstate to take the long way to I-465 (continuing on I-72 toward downtown Indianapolis).

Apparently the long was a bad choice as well. That’s where we’re stuck right now, and have been for well over an hour and a half. I think it was around midnight, actually, that traffic just stopped moving. Now we’ve had snow plows, Highway Patrol vehicles, and the like all pass us on the shoulder, but the traffic remains at a stand still. Maybe the road ahead is super icy, so they’ve closed it. Maybe there was some atrocious accident that they, for one reason or another, just can’t get cleaned up. I’m not really sure. Nobody’s told us, that’s for sure, and the issue with it being such an ungodly hour of the morning is that nobody on the radio is reporting anything about anything.

So we’re stuck. Without knowledge. Without food. Without water. Oh, and I am very thirsty, I might add. You know, being stuck like this isn’t even the worst part. The worst part is that I have to go to the bathroom!

In Which I am no Longer Single ... ?

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-12-22T00:40:00-05:00

We watched Get Smart. It was a great movie. When I saw the previews for it, I thought it was going to be hit or miss. Apparently it was hit, because I really liked it. I drove home afterwards, and on the way I texted Kylee to invite her.

I had College Group at my church the next night. You know, that group of awkward college students at your home church that are only really around during breaks? Well, we have a few cool college students at my church, so I figured it wouldn’t be the worst thing I’d ever attended. Still, I figured it couldn’t hurt to invite Kylee, since I couldn’t recall a time when she wasn’t fun to hang out with, and we had agreed to hang out a lot over break. Aside from this Get Smart session, we had failed on the “a lot” part, so I figured inviting her along might make up for it.

So she came. To the Regier’s house we went, to be followed by ice skating, and that was to be followed by a White Elephant Gift Exchange. Of course, I knew most of the people there, but I hadn’t really kept up with a lot of them, so I could have been married for all they knew. There was one complete stranger there, however, who we shall refer to as Steve.

We arrived. I brought both Gally and Kylee, but Gally actually attends my church, so apparently bringing her wasn’t really that unusual. I hadn’t previously considered the ramifications of bringing a girl from my college who didn’t attend my church to a College Group, I just thought she would have fun. It didn’t help that one of the other college students had brought their Attraction of the Month (or so).

After much food consumption and awkward small talk, it became apparent to Kylee and me that everyone was under the false assumption that we were a couple. I retreated to the kitchen to get a drink and smirk with my face in a cupboard. Unfortunately, we were already sufficiently past the inital introductions where I would have gone, This is girlfriend, Kylee, or, This is my friend, Kylee. Apparently all I said was, This is Kylee. Too vague. But I couldn’t correct myself at this point (or at least clarify) without making things even more awkward, so I just decided to roll with it.

We went to the skating rink and skated in monotonous circles until my ankles complained. I remarked to Kylee that they all thought we were dating and she got a kick out of it. I suppose we were playing the part perfectly, as we were the only two of our group left out skating around the rink. Steve only sat out to rest his ankles for a few minutes braving the ice again to question us. Somehow he got the false impression that Kylee was from Iowa, I wasn’t, and that the reason I was in Iowa was to officially meet her family. He never came out and said this, just, “So, is this your first time in Iowa?” No, I’ve lived North of Cedar Rapids my entire life, thanks. He thought I was from Ohio. An understandable error, I suppose, since I went to school there. It was only a slightly flawed idea considering he was at my home church, which I had mentioned.

There are certain unspoken rules about meeting a couple for the first time. By not clarifying what we were, exactly, when introducing Kylee, I pretty much put tension on all of these. After all, nobody’s just going to straight up ask you if you’re dating while the both of you are standing right there. Okay, some people would, but most people wouldn’t. We could tell they were all studying us to death, waiting for one of us to do something clearly defining so they could make a confident choice as to whether we were dating or not. Unfortunately for them, we were both onto them and making things increasingly difficult intentionally. It was considerably more fun to watch them stumble over ambiguous questions to attempt to get us to explain how we were connected.

We finally left the ice arena. Steve couldn’t come back to the house for the White Elephant Exchange, so he was hopping the bus from the rink. He must have thought my six-foot, red-headed, blue-eyed, not-girlfriend was insecure or something, because as he left and successfully got her off to the side, he told her, “It’s okay that you’re as tall as you are. I think it’s great. Anyway, Alex doesn’t seem to mind at all.” Well, if you weren’t as tall as you are, you wouldn’t be Kylee, so you’re right, I definitely don’t mind that you’re six-foot. Kristi’s good at being short and giving powerful hugs, you’re good at being tall and volleyball. You also give pretty powerful hugs, but I’m pretty sure you would agree that Kristi must lift daily and eat her Wheaties.

After reassuring Kylee that her height wasn’t an issue, Steve got me to the edge of the sidewalk, away from the rest of the pack, and told me it was great to meet me, that he hoped I enjoyed my time in Iowa (didn’t we already go over this ... Twice?), that he hoped college would go well for me, and that he hoped things with Kylee and me went well. “Thanks, I know they will.” After all, I’m not expecting to lose her friendship anytime soon.

The scariest part is that this is the second time in one week that Kylee and I were paired up. The other time Kylee wasn’t even in the room. In fact, the guy that said we were going to get married (yes, he straight up said that) had never even met Kylee, and he had met me only minutes prior to saying this. Needless to say, it’s been an unusual week. Good thing Kylee has a good sense of humor and puts up with such things.

Test Your Code

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-12-13T22:09:49-05:00

There are reasons software goes through rigorous testing (on multiple levels) before it is released to the public.

My parents have this fancy DVD player that skips over crap they don’t like. It’s called ClearPlay. You can select what type of stuff you want it to cut out, and you can connect to the internet once a month or so to update the library of movies it knows. For graphic or violent scenes, it knows the time codes for the scenes in each movie which the user wants to skip over.

It’s an interesting concept, but ClearPlay has a few glitches in their programming. After all, entertaining software that intentionally skips over scenes of a DVD that is meant to play through continuously (and skip such scenes in a seamless manner without the user’s knowledge) can present significant problems if. For instance, poor programming could result in one DVD being confused for another DVD which would require skipping during a certain sequence. Or poor programming could call a skip method for no apparent reason. Who knows how these things work ... Either way, the premise of this machine seems to break one of the cardinal rules of programming, and that is that if you’re going to do so something significant (i.e. skip an entire scene in a movie) you’d better tell the user.

We were watching Prince Caspian, a movie that probably doesn’t need any skipping. Naturally, we watched the movie with the ClearPlay Filter off. Apparently it didn’t get the memo ...

One moment we’re at the scene where Caspian first enters the woods (at night) and meets the dwarf, the next moment we’re seeing the completion of the bridge by the Tel Marines (a scene near the end of the movie). The time code on the DVD player was still showing that we were only nine minutes into the movie. We rewound and fast forwarded several times, skipped around the chapters, but it continued with this glitch. We decided to give the DVD player one more chance. It did it again a few minutes later. We then realized we had never even seen the scene where the children actually enter Narnia. Something was terribly wrong.

Even Ernie was confused, and he can’t even understand movie plots.

A normal DVD player could probably never have this issue. Sure, if the disc were scratched, it could jump to a later portion of the movie, but the time code would jump with it. Introducing such “functionality” as skipping scenes intentionally without alerting the user and without advancing the time code can present serious issues if you don’t test your code rigorously, while we just now experienced as we watched Prince Caspian.

After restarting the DVD player, ejecting the disc, and putting it back in, we skipped to the second chapter and were greeted with the scene in which the children enter Narnia. It worked!

Must be a Windows-based DVD player ...

Distraction

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-12-10T16:11:33-05:00

It’s Finals Week. Chuck’s is open continuously from 6am to 6pm. I can’t stand eating before 6pm, so I’ve actually been eating in The Hive for Dinner, and I’m not sure who actually gets up at 6am during Finals Week when the first finals are never before 8am. Anyway, six is just far too early to be social or eat.

So I’ve been in The Hive all day, working hard. People have been drifting in and out, as have I. I had to leave for work at one, but other then that I’ve been here since I woke up. Kylee’s been here, Ryan, Dave, Gabe, Shannon, Kristi, Justin ... Maybe a few other people. I don’t know, my brain is sort of fried right now.

Anyway, everyone just left me except Kristi, who is sitting in the chair next to me, asleep. It’s making me very jealous. It’s not just that she’s asleep and I’m writing a paper. It’s more so that she’s so small that she is able to curl up into a ball small enough to fit in the chair ...

Really, should that even be allowed? Look at that! It gets worse. As she’s continued to sleep (and she’s quite out), she’s curled tighter and tighter and wiggled further into the chair. It’s making me jealous.

The other day, just for fun, I tried being like Kristi and curling up into a ball on a chair to fall asleep. It was about the most uncomfortable thing I’ve ever done, and I’m not exactly a big person. She makes it look so easy ...

Unfortunately, I couldn’t get a better picture that didn’t have the coat wrapped around her before she woke up. Sorry about that, guys. Also, when Ryan came back from getting the oil changed in his car, he didn’t realize Kristi was in the chair, he just thought it was her coat and that she had left. A few minutes later, when she did one of her “curl tighter” things, he freaked out.

Okay, that’s probably about all the distraction I have time to muster up right now. I’ll try to be more consistant in posting once this hectic week blows over!

In closing, I wish I were as small, compact, and travel size as Kristi is. Seriously, it just seems like you could pick her up and carry her around with you, or put her in your pocket. Put her in a suitcase. Pretty much anywhere, she’d probably fit. I’d better stop before I get in too much more trouble ... At this point I’m running on way too little sleep, too much stress, and not enough rationale.

Hypocritical RAs

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-12-08T09:58:16-05:00

I have no problem with RAs. I have no problem with police officers. I really have no problem with authority. Here’s what I do have a problem with: hypocrisy. Especially when it comes from authority.

This morning I had my last class in Old Testament Literature. During finals, we’re allowed to wear jeans to class instead of our usual Class Dress, which is basically anything but jeans. So, this week being finals week, I decided to wear jeans this morning. Sure, finals don’t technically start until tomorrow, but this week is finals week, so that was my defense. And considering 50% of the campus has the same mentality as I on this matter, I wasn’t too concerned about getting demerits for it, and I didn’t. But I did overhear a conversation entailing the demerits of another that made me want to stand up and shout!

I was sitting in my comfy rolly chair when it happened. Two girls were sitting in the row in front of me, one of which was wearing blue jeans, when a tall fellow, who was wearing black jeans, strolled up and sat in the chair on the end of the row.

Black Jeans Guy: Hey, you’re wearing jeans. I should write you up.
Blue Jeans Girl: It’s finals ...
Black Jeans Guy: Finals don’t start until tomorrow.
Blue Jeans Girl: Look around you. Everyone is wearing jeans today.
Random Girl: You’re wearing jeans!
Black Jeans Guy: No, these are black jeans. You’re wearing blue jeans.
Blue Jeans Girl: Your point?
Black Jeans Guy: The rule book says no blue jeans. Black jeans are fine. It’s okay though. You’re my friend, and it’s the last week, so I won’t write you up.
Random Girl: How considerate of you.

This conversation bothered me on so many levels. First of all, Black Jeans Guy was clearly going to let Blue Jeans Girl off the hook merely because they were friends. I was crossing my fingers the entire class, hoping he would turn around and try to give me demerits after class so I could give him the what’s-up. He didn’t.

Friend exceptions bug me, just like any amount of inconsistency bugs me, but the fact that he was actually trying to give demerits to someone else for wearing jeans while he was wearing jeans just made me want to jump into the conversation even more. I refrained.

I wanted to jump up and say, “Oh my goodness, do you not even understand the rules you’re supposed to be enforcing? The rule book says nothing about jeans whatsoever, no matter the color! Dr. Brown made a joke about it last year in chapel, but the rule book is silent on the matter.”

If he had talked to me after class, here’s what I would have said: “I’ll make you a deal. We walk to the SSC right now and get a Student Handbook. If the handbook says anything about jeans, specifically blue jeans, you can right me up for five demerits, if you want.” A dress code violation is only worth two demerits. “However, if black jeans are just as unacceptable as blue jeans, you and I are marching to your RDs office and you’re giving yourself demerits while I get none.”

Just for fun, let’s have a look at the Student Handbook, shall we? Yes, I actually have memorized parts of the Handbook just for moments such as these. It really would have made my day if he had talked to me ...

Men
Dress/sport shirt, sweaters/sweatshirts, slacks, and footwear (no long/short-sleeved T-shirts or shorts)
Women
Skirts, dresses, blouses, sweaters/sweatshirts, slacks, and footwear (no long/short-sleeved T-shirts, shorts, or leggings)

Since their seems to be a bit of confusion, let’s define “slacks” according to Webster.

slacks: trousers especially for casual wear
trouser: pant
pant: an outer garment covering each leg separately and usually extending from the waist to the ankle

As you may have noticed, as I certainly did, slacks mentions nothing of denim or color. In fact, if we took this definition completely literally, jeans may even be allowed! However, they aren’t.

It’s not so much that I care about the fact that jeans may or may not be allowed according to the Handbook. It’s that the RA used the “fact” that “the rule book says no blue jeans.” No, it doesn’t. I’ve heard RAs misquote the rule book numerous times, and it bothers me that those in authority that are supposed to be enforcing the rules on us don’t even have a proper understanding of the rules they are to be enforcing. This is why I memorize parts of the rule book. Now I just wish someone would call me out when I actually have a good defense like today ...

Sixteen Random Facts About Myself

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-12-05T16:36:28-05:00

Alright, fine. Jessica, you win.

I have this policy against doing such things as these, but I decided I would oblige and respond anyway. But don't think I'm happy about this. Below are sixteen random facts about myself and then sixteen people that I think are awesome. That's the gist of this.

I wish there had been seventeen. I would have then made one ironic one which only said, “I am very long-winded.” Unfortunately, there are only sixteen, and I didn’t want to part with any of them.

One – Friends and family are what I cherish most on Earth. I love spending time with the people that are closest to me, talking and listening. I have one brother, two sisters, and two parents. My siblings are and always will be my very best friends.

Two – I'm majoring in Computer Science, and I'm just nerdy enough to work on side programming projects as well as the required projects from Cedarville. I also love web and graphic design.

Three – I love music. I love movies. I love literature. I consider all of these things art, and I love art. I love the meaning and the interpreting that can be drawn from good art, especially music, and I feel that good art is the most influential thing that can be used to sway a persons opinions and emotions. Just look at the Bible. It's magnificent literature is art. On that note, I'd much rather watch a profound, powerful movie than a movie that mindlessly entertains with cliche humor any day.

Four – I love a good debate, and I love constructive and creative writing. One of my biggest pet peeves is poor writing, especially when someone is trying to use their writing to prove a point. I refuse to listen to your point, no matter how good it may be, if you don't take the time to construct a proper sentence and capitalize your words.

Five – I love pizza. I could probably survive just on pizza (and die early from it) and be completely content. Also, I love soda. I drink it way too much.

Six – I have a tattoo with Greek writing on my wrist. It reads Doulos Xristou Ihsou, which translates to Bondslave of Christ Jesus; what I aim to be with my lifestyle.

Seven – I played the violin for five and a half years. This one isn't nearly long enough, so I'm also going to throw in this one for free: I love small children, but unfortunately they usually don't love me. Babies cry when I hold them and as they get older they just seem to be scared of me. Junior and Senior High students, on the other hand, do tend to love me, and someday I want to work with the Youth Group of some church to affect the lives of the next generations as much as those cool twenty-somethings effected mine when I was in high school.

Eight – I really can't stand the cold, but I also hate layers. This is an extremely difficult contradiction when you live in Iowa and go to school in Ohio. Someday I'd love to live somewhere warm near the coast, such as Florida or California. The trouble is I can't stand the liberal whackos that live in California, and I don't think I could ever raise children in that environment.

Nine – On that note, I also can't stand the stark legalism of close-minded, judgmental, right-wing politics either. I choose not to advertise my political views, especially after this last election, as they generally appear to be contradictory to the stereotypical Christian standard. They aren't necessarily, but some people have a difficult time disjointing themselves from their own beliefs long enough to observe the perspective of mine. I guess what you could say is that I despise stereotypes in almost any shape or form.

Ten – I love complete strangers, and I love getting to know people. I'm generally not ashamed of making a fool of myself, so I'll gladly strike up a conversation with anybody.

Eleven – I love wit, sarcasm, and most of the genres humor takes on. Sometimes people don't get along with me right away (or at all) because they take me too seriously, but my motto is, "Only take seriously what life requires." By that I mean that there are certainly times when life requires you to be serious, and to joke around under such circumstances is completely inappropriate. Most of the rest of the situations life will throw at you are probably neutral, and I choose to take them as light heartedly as possible.

Twelve – I love photography and videography, both viewing and capturing. If you ever find a video that the editing and content are simply amazing, or a photograph that is breathtaking, feel free to share it with me.

Thirteen – I love a good adventure (I stole that right from you, Jenna). Whether it's risky, crazy, or just plain insane, I'll probably still be willing to do it. You only live life once, and I intend to take Ecclesiastes as seriously as possible while attempting to maintain a model of the character of Jesus Christ. I have a crazy sister named Jenna who has a nearly identical personality to my own, and we get along very well in this manner. Ashley and Andrew, my other two siblings, also have very similar personalities to each other. Ironically, Jenna's and my personalities are frequently in contrast to Ashley and Andrew's personalities, but we still get along great!

Fourteen – I've never been clinically diagnosed with ADD or ADHD, but every amateur test I've ever taken (and perhaps the inconsistent thought patterns I have) evidences that I probably have one of the two, which is probably why each "one" of these random facts is turning out to be more than one. I'm also highly obsessive compulsive, and I like my personal matters, physical and emotional, to be as organized as possible.

Fifteen – I love playing games if it means I get to spend time with you, but I'm really quite bad at them. Luckily, I'm not very competitive either, so I don't mind losing.

Sixteen – I'm the only person I know of that has ever successfully managed to be myself. All other attempts at being me have not only failed, but have failed miserably, usually leaving the attempter as an emotional wreck. Please do not ever try to be me. Try to be like me, if you must, but don't try to actually be me. It can only end in disaster.

So there you have it. I hope you enjoyed getting to know me by reading a post instead of conversing with me in person :).

Jessica - Because you practically forced me to write this thing and would have sent me on a guilt trip if I hadn’t *glare*.
Krista - Because you and I share a common love for photography, camp, and Ben. And you’re one of my favorite people.
Ben - Because I love you and you’re not only the best boss anyone could ever ask for, you’re the best friend!
Tyson - Because you remind me of chicken, and I love chicken. It tastes good. Hey, no hard feelings about Ben being the best boss, right?
Joe - Because I miss our meaningful and deep discussions that we had so frequently this summer about.
Kylee - Because you’ve lived twenty minutes away from me for my entire life and I’m sad that I didn’t even meet you until last year, especially since you make such a fantabulous friend!
Emilie - Because you’re the most amazing Freshman on campus, and you also live just twenty minutes away from me. Whether you get to play a lot or not, I still think you’re the best at volleyball.
Kelsey - Because if it weren’t for you, I probably never would have heard about or come to the lovely Cedarville University. Thank you!
Kristi - Because you’re short and feisty, a great friend, and you give the best hugs.
Ryan - Because you have that adorable baby face and I always have a good time with you.
Dave - Because you’re the only person I could think of that would take the latter part of the seventh one completely out of context.
Griffin - Because you’re not in the book, and I just met you this year, so I thought you might be interested in the deepest, darkest secrets of my life.
Gabe - Because I just saw you walk by the Bible building and you’re such an attractive man.
Jenna - Because you’re the only family member that I figured would actually post a response to this yourself.
Evan - Because you’re coming here next year. You do realize you don’t have a choice, right?
Megan - Because you can’t eat Gluten and you let us use your house to cook anyway.

Hotel California

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-12-03T23:17:25-05:00

Joe Kmetz and I were on our way to Krista’s house over Turkey Break and I had designated Joe as the DJ for the trip. At some point during the drive we ended up listening to “Hotel California,” probably the best song the Eagles ever wrote and performed. This spawned a discussion as to the meaning of the song. Unfortunately, neither of us knew for sure, but I promised Joe I would investigate the song as soon as I had time.

Though you can play “Hotel California” on Guitar Hero by yourself an sound surprisingly similar to the original track, there’s nothing realistic about that. On the Hell Freezes Over album, the Eagles used eight guitars to perform this song. In the original studio mix, only five were used. Still, this should give you some measure of the caliber of this song. It is an amazing piece for guitar, and I never tire of listening to it.

Musical melodies aside, the lyrics of the song span quite a bit of controversies. The interpretations of this song range from the drug use, cannibalism, Hotel California being another name for the Camarillo State Hospital (a psychiatric hospital), and even references to devil worship and the Church of Satan.

I’m going to have to go ahead and debunk all the most popular rumors, as none of them are even remotely close to being true (except possibly the drug use one, though indirectly). Let’s lay out the most popular rumors and look at why they aren’t true. For your convenience, I have typed up the proper lyrics to the song here and you can listen to the song here.

Background on the Eagles
The Eagles are one of the most successful American rock bands of the 1970s. The Eagles were founded in the early 70s in Los Angeles, California, by Glenn Frey (singer, guitarist, songwriter), Don Henley (singer, guitarist, drummer, songwriter), Randy Meisner (singer, bassist, songwriter), and Bernie Leadon (singer, guitarist). It’s also worth mentioning the former member Don Felder (singer, guitarist, songwriter), as he helped write “Hotel California” and performed part of the guitar solo. The band has five number-one singles and six number-one albums so far. Their fifth album was Hotel California.

“Hotel California” is a song by the Eagles on the rock album of the same name, Hotel California, released in 1976. The theme of the whole album is essentially that of Manifest Destiny and the American Dream and the rise and falls in-thereof. The album isn’t exactly a rock opera, but it does seem to follow a common theme: it starts with “Hotel California” and comes to a culmination with “The Last Resort,” a song that narrates the demise of society as the conclusive warning to the theme of the album.

After its release, Hotel California received a Grammy for Record of the Year in 1978, the song has been considered by Rolling Stone to be the 49th greatest song of all time, and Guitar World Magazine ranked the guitar solo as the 8th greatest of all time. “Hotel California” reached 20th on the Billboard Top 100 in 1977.

It’s a Real Hotel
It turns out there’s a real hotel in California! A few of them, actually. Unfortunately, there is no hotel in California that goes under the name of Hotel California. There is, however, a hotel in Todos Santos, Mexico, just across the border, that goes by the name of Hotel California. The hotel also went under the name of The Hotel Mission (“I heard the Mission bell”). The name of the hotel changed several times after the popularity of the song grew so as to attract tourists. The problem is the Eagles never actually stayed there, and that location is not what the song is referring to.

It’s an Insane Asylum
“Next thing I remember / I was running for the door / I had to find the passage back / To the place I was before / “Relax,” said the night man / “We are programmed to receive / You can check out any time you like / But you can never leave.”

People who believe this rumor may simply be getting confused by the fact that the Eagles’s record company for the album before Hotel California was Asylum Records. The song isn’t actually about an insane asylum; there is no asylum anywhere in California or even the entire United States by the name of Hotel California.

Some still insist that the Hotel California is a nickname for the Camarillo State Hospital in Camarillo, California. But since the Eagles said in an interview in 1995 that it wasn’t in reference to a particular location, and since it wouldn’t really make much sense to take the pictures for the album artwork at the Beverly Hills Hotel if the song were really about the Camarillo State Hospital, the song probably isn’t in reference to an insane asylum. Though the imagery in the song does seem to describe states of insanity at times.

It’s a Hospital
Still, people insist that the Hotel California must be a real building somewhere, so they conjecture that perhaps it is a hospital somewhere. The rumor further claims that the song is actually about cancer.

“My head grew heavy and my site grew dim.” It could be a reference to the pains of the cancer that is evidently killing the body. “There she stood in the doorway” is alleged to be a reference to a nurse, and “And she showed me the way / There were voices down the corridor” is the nurse leading him down the hallways of the hospital, other cancer patients calling out to the narrator as he walks by. “They stab it with their Steely knives / But they just can’t kill the beast” could be a reference to repeated attempts to kill the cancer.

The song could be a metaphor for cancer, if you chose to interpret that way, but that wasn’t the intention when it was written.

It’s About Steely Dan
The line “They stab it with their Steely knives / But they just can’t kill the beast” is a reference to Steely Dan, an American rock band that had a healthy competition with the Eagles around the time Hotel California came out.

The Eagles were apparently impressed by the fact that Steely Dan didn’t require any rhyme or reason to the meaning in the lyrics of their song. The Eagles decided it would be pretty sweet to mention Steely Dan in their song, even though the rest of the song has absolutely nothing to do with them. Steely Dan had previously mention the Eagles in their song Everything You Did with the line “Turn up the Eagles the neighbors are listening” in 1976.

It’s About Cannibalism
Apparently the references to a secluded hotel with corridors and hallways that were an endless maze that entrapped anyone who entered reminded too many people of H. H. Holmes and the Murder Castle. I guess he didn’t eat his guests, but his story probably set people up for paranoia.

One theory that got spread around via chain mail muses that the reason “You can check out anytime you like / But you can never leave” is because the only way to truly leave is to be stabbed by those “Steely knives!” Apparently the hotel in the distance enticed you only to serve you up for dinner the following day. There’s really not much evidence of this in the song, and the band members have denied it.

It’s About the Church of Satan
Probably the most well known (and most misunderstood) meaning for the song says that it is a reference to devil worship and the Church of Satan. Such lines as “I was thinking to myself / This could be Heaven or this could be Hell,” “We haven’t had that spirit here / Since nineteen sixty-nine,” “... they just can’t kill the beast,” and “You can check out anytime you like / But you can never leave” apparently solidify this claim. Additionally, the album artwork has a bit of an eerie feel, and people claim that the photographs were taken at the same place where the Satanic Bible was written. “The Beast” referred to in the song is alleged to be Satan.

Anton LeVay finished the Satanic Bible in 1969, three years after founding his church. Supposedly ever since the bible was finished the Holy Spirit hasn’t been present at the Satanic Church (as if he was before?) and that’s what the line in the song is referencing. This claim falls short when you recognize that the line directly before this clarifies a reference to the spirit of wine, not the Holy Spirit. Additionally, once you join the occult you are apparently unable to get out. Considering the previous claims fall short, I’m going to entertain the thought that “the beast” must be a metaphorical character referring to something other than Satan.

The artwork for the album was actually shot at the Beverly Hills Hotel in Beverly Hills. The Eagles say that the reason for the shadowy figures is due to poor lighting and a poor camera. The ghostly figure in the window who many claim is supposed to be either Satan himself or Anton LaVey is actually a publicity guy from Asylum Records. Any physical similarities to LaVey or the Devil himself are purely coincidental.

Further claims state that the Hotel California is a reference to a hotel on California St. in San Francisco which the Church of Satan purchased and converted into their headquarters. The building in question was called The Black House and was actually an old Victorian mansion, not a hotel. It was the headquarters for the Church of Satan used by Anton LaVey in 1966 until his death in 1997. The Satanic Church lost custody of the house after LaVey’s death, and it was torn down in 2001.

It is also rumored that the Eagles were members of the Church of Satan and that they were disciples of LeVay. While a very unreliable source claims that the Waco Tribune-Herald interview Larry Salter, the Eagle’s manager, and he admitted that the Eagle’s were involved with the Church of Satan, the interview was apparently back in 1982 and the original can’t be found ...

Then there’s that whole bit about playing the song backward to hear a satanic message. That’s a bit of a stretch. Especially considering sites like that try to say the same thing about Metallica, Megadeath, and Kiss songs and, let’s be honest, you don’t need to play those songs backward to hear a Satanic message. Anyway, if you listen to the entire song backward yourself, you’ll find that it’s quite bogus.

Some have said that the Church of Satan is registered in California under the name “Hotel California,” but there is absolutely no evidence to support this claim.

It’s about Sex and Drugs
“Warm smell of Colitas / Rising up through the air”
“I saw a shimmering light”
“There she stood in the doorway / I heard the mission bell / I was thinking to myself / This could be Heaven or this could be Hell. / Then she lit up a candle / And she showed me the way”
“She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys / That she calls friends / How they dance in the courtyard / Sweet summer sweat / Some dance to remember / Some dance to forget”
“And still the voices are calling from far away / Wake you up in the middle of the night”
“Mirrors on the ceiling / Pink champagne on ice / And she said, ‘We are all just prisoners here / Of our own device’”
“You can check out anytime you like / But you can never leave”

This theory has the most overwhelming amount of evidence straight out of the song, and it’s also closest to the true meaning.

Probably the most explicit reference in the song is that of Colitas, a Spanish term meaning “little tails,” which could be a reference to the Cannabis plant (marijuana). The rest of the imagery in the song is a very strong implication that the narrator may not be entirely sane (or lucid) while he’s telling us his tale. A shimmering light and a vision of a hotel? Voices echoing down the hallways? Mirrors on the ceiling (seeing many things from many angles, which would happen when you hallucinate)?

It’s usually said that the song is warning against the use of drugs, given it’s generally negative view towards the subject, especially considering the narrators regret that he can’t seem to get out of the lifestyle he has become trapped in.

So What’s it Really About?
And now we come to the true meaning of this song, which is only slightly disappointing after reading all the wild previous possibilities!

Well, Henley and Frey claim that Colitas is a desert flower that smells good. Well, it may very well be a desert flower, but it’s still most likely slang for Cannabis. In their defense, I did read somewhere that a Mexican translated the words “little bud” to “Colitas” for them, neglecting to mention the marijuana reference, so they may not have completely understood what they were saying.

That being said, they explained in an interview in 1995 that the song is about the dangers of hedonism and greed, specifically as it applies to the American Dream and their own achieving fame and fortune in the worlds eyes. They wanted to warn not only California of this, but the entire nation. Unfortunately, due to a poor choice in the title of both the song and the album, it’s most commonly only associated with the Californian mindset.

It’s not a reference to any type of building, it’s not about cannibalism, and it’s not about the Church of Satan. The Steely Dan reference was, in fact, true. The song was the Eagles’ look back at their own lives, realizing how they had become caught up in the famous lifestyle (“Her mind is Tiffany-twisted / She got a Mercedes-Benz”), a lifestyle which has trapped them and isn’t turning out to be everything they had wanted (“We are all just prisoners here / Of our own device,” “You can check out anytime you like / But you can never leave”).

It makes sense if you consider that the song is the first on the album that addresses the issues of drugs, temptation, fame, relationships, and the American Dream.

There you have it! That’s the true meaning of the song Hotel California. I’m glad we had this discussion. I was sick of hearing about the Church of Satan.

Domo and The Kid's Grand Escapades, Pt. 1

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-12-02T17:00:00-05:00

Jenna got me Domo for Christmas (yes, we did Christmas early this year at my house), so I decided to take him around with me to my classes and such.

Since Jenna has also granted me permission to guest post on her blog on the second of every month (in correlation with the fact that my birthday is on the second of November, I guess), and since today is the second of the month, I decided to photograph Domo’s and my adventures and blog about them for my post. You can view the first two chapters of our many escapades HERE :).

I like hot. I hate cold.

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-11-26T08:54:43-05:00

I like hot.

I hate cold.

I woke up the other morning extremely drousy. Shuffling my way to the shower (and hitting a few walls in the process due to my not-even-half-opened eyes), I performed the morning ritual, as us Americans know it, of getting clean.

I remember standing in the shower in my delusional state thinking, Didn't Stephen tell me, once upon a time, that it's good for you to take a cold shower? You know, even if he had, I'm not sure why I would have thought it would be a good idea. But, like I said, I wasn't thinking straight at the time. It being, like, 6:00am, I wasn't actually thinking at all.

Something about waking up quicker. Something about jumpstarting all the systems in your body. Something about giving your immune system a Good Game pat for yesterday and a motivational speech for the upcoming game. Something about blood circulation and capillaries. Something about contracting muscles to eliminate toxins.

You know, I'll tell you, it may very well do all of those things, taking a cold shower. So after rinsing my hair, I reached for the handle and turned it to cold. All the way. This was not one of my better ideas in my lifetime.

After my body went into complete shock, it was nearly impossible to function. How was I supposed to get clean if I couldn't even move due to the extreme cold? I tried to tough it out for a while, but myself and I finally decided that this idea sucked, so we resorted to finishing the shower off warm. Bad news: once Brock showers turn cold, they don't turn back.

I was forced to suffer the remainder of the shower under bitterly cold water. Sure, maybe my immune system battled off a few diseases that day, and I certainly woke up faster than I ever have in my life. And, yes, the walk back to my room felt supremely wonderful instead of the usual chilly. But other then that, I don't think it was worth it.

I like hot.

I hate cold.

Dear Verizon Wireless

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-11-25T16:41:54-05:00

Dear Verizon Wireless:

My name is Alex Laird. I'm a 20 year old male student who attends Cedarville University, and I'm one of your loyal customers. I would greatly appreciate it if you would quit attempting to turn my own mother against me. Your conniving schemes to convince her that I am a lying teenager are quite childish and bothersome. I understand that you're the Wireless Giant whose lucrative business thrives more on loyal customers than on happy customers, but your sneaky methods are getting on my nerves.

I'm on your Family Share Plan. My Dad is the account head, and my mother, sister, and I are additional participants on the plan. For an additional $10 a month we can add additional lines to our Share Plan. For an additional $15 a month, I can add 1,500 text/picture/video messages to my line, plus unlimited messaging within The Network. I've done both of these things, so on top of my Dad's plan, you're making an extra $25 off of me every month.

Apparently this isn't enough for you, since the last three months you've charged my portion of the bill over $75.

It all started three months ago. Several applications were added to my phone against my will. You couldn't make it any easier to spend money on subscription services with your phone if you tried. All a customer has to do is browse through the applications list, select one, click "Accept" to the terms and presumable charge on his or her bill, and the application is downloaded. Some applications cost up to $20 a month! Applications, I might add, that do less for you and are less intuitive than any Freeware application I've ever downloaded on my computer. Yet still you manage to gouge the prices, and the reason you have success off of them is probably because people like me will inadvertently get them added to their phone.

After receiving a bill for well over $80 that month, I realized what had happened to my phone. I went onto your website and blocked all forms of applications, web services, or anything that could be added from my phone that would be charged automatically to my bill. I then went on my phone and canceled every subscription application that was on there. I then removed all the applications. I just told my mom to charge it to me, since it was my fault.

The next month my portion of the bill was hefty again, and again I received a call from my mom to figure out what the problem was. Wanting to give you the benefit of the doubt, I established that, since the applications were charged monthly, I must have been charged again before I canceled the subscription. Additionally, I had gone over my allotted 500 text/picture/video messages, so I upped my plan to 1,500 so that wouldn't happen again. Again, I didn't complain to you, and I told my mom to charge me for the mistake.

Then came last month. Again, I was charged over $75. Again, my mom called me. This time, I was beyond unhappy. I went onto your website and reviewed the bill myself. For my portion of the bill, I was charged over $40 for mysterious data charges. On your website, you have a section that will list every single phone call, every single text message, and every single data charge for the entire month. I looked at this section. For every single data transfer on my phone, the charge was $0.0. Yet somehow this added up to $43.68. Perhaps this is some new form of Calculus that I have not yet taken in my college career, but I was not aware adding zero and zero multiple times ever resulted in anything other than zero.

On top of the data charges, I had been charged for another overage of text messages. I had used significantly less than 1,500, but significantly more than 500.

Just these charges alone would probably be enough to make anyone upset, but I haven't even mentioned the most frustrating part yet.

We finally decided to call and complain, since the charges on our bill last month were without sufficient explanation. My mom called. After getting off the phone with your representative, my mom called me. The text messages were an easy fix; you had forgotten to apply my new texting plan. That was $35 back. What about the remaining $43.68?

"Well, here's what I found out," she said. "He said that the reason we were charged is because of applications that are on your phone. Mobile Email. Wikipedia. WeatherBug, etc. Do these sound familiar?"
I was frustrated beyond belief. "Mom, these are the applications I removed two months ago. They should have completely cleared the system last month."
"Well, he says they're still on the account and that the only way to get them off is by canceling them on your phone."
"I can't cancel them on my phone. They aren't on my phone anymore." I wasn't mad at my mom, but to anyone listening it may have come across that way. I reassured her. "I'm sorry, I'm not yelling at you. I'm yelling at stupid Verizon. This is not the first time they've done this."
"I know. Did you remove them from your phone or from the website?" she questioned.
"Both."
"But you're sure you removed them from your phone?"
"Positive."
"Because he says that some people think they remove them when they block them on the website, but they have to go through their phone manually and remove them as well."
"Mom, they're not on my phone." I tried not to sound peeved at her. She was doing the best she could.
"Well," she reasoned, "Why don't you hang up the phone, check in the Get It Now section of your phone really quick, and call me right back. Just to make sure."

I ended the call and browsed the Get It Now section. There were four items in there: "ozforms," "OZHTMLWIDGET," "OZWIDGETS," and "Mobile IM." The OZ ones seemed like they were probably helper files for the menus on my phone, and they weren't applications I could open (I tried), so I targeted Mobile IM. I tried removing it. It said "Erased:" still there. I tried removing again: still there.

There certainly wasn't any Mobile Mail, Wikipedia, WeatherBug, or etc. I called my dearest mother back.

"Okay," I explained, "Here's what I got. Write these four down, call him back, and ask him if any of these are what I'm being charged for. If so, I'll cancel them, but I think they're just helper files, and Mobile IM doesn't work anyway, so I don't think it's really on my phone anymore."

Twenty minutes later, my mom called me back again.

"Well, they're gone," she cheered.
"Wait, what's gone? I didn't remove anything."
"I know. But the lady I talked to said they're gone now," Mom answered.
"But what about those four things in the Get It Now menu I mentioned? Am I being charged for those?" I was confused.
"Doesn't look like it. She said there are no longer any subscriptions attached to your phone. They were all just removed."
"But ... I ... Didn't ... Remove ... Anything ..."
"You know what this looks like, Alex." Yes, I did. "It looks like I'm a naive mother who believes her teenage son who's lying to her. I know you're not lying to me, but they think I'm silly for trusting you."
"My generation is stupid," I interjected. Amen.

My mom and I continued to talk for a bit longer before I realized exactly what had happened. It was when I realized that she hadn’t talked to the same Customer Service Representative when she called you the second time. The second Representative told Mom that just minutes before, all the applications had been removed from my phone. But I had no applications on my phone. I had looked. How could I remove them if they weren't being shown on my phone? More significantly, how could I remove them when I removed them two months ago?!

I understand my generation loves to lie and twist the truth. I understand there are a lot of parents out there that are naive and don't fully understand when their children are taking advantage of them. But I would like to point out a few things: I'm not a teenager, my mother is not stupid or naive, I love my mother (and we get along great), and I don't lie to her!

Here's what I can only assume happened. The first Representative my mom talked to thought I did have applications on my phone and that I was lying to my mom about it. He then realized something after looking at our account history: I had tried to remove the applications two months prior, just as I was saying. They had removed themselves from my phone (rendering me helpless when trying to remove them manually) but for some reason were still attached to the account, thus charging me. The first Representative tells my mom that only I can cancel the subscriptions directly from my phone and that they're still on there. After she hangs up and calls me, the first Representative manually cancels all the application subscriptions himself, even though he specifically told my mom he couldn't do that (and she had even asked him to).

Now, how does this look? The first Representative manually cancels the subscriptions while the naive mother is on the phone with her lying son. See what this looks like? It looks like I just lied to my mom while canceling the subscriptions from my phone myself to get out of trouble. When my mom called you back to tell you there aren't any applications on my phone for me to delete, you were then able to tell her the reason there weren't any applications on the phone was because they were just deleted. And, according to the first Representative, the only way to cancel those applications was from my phone. Now I'm a liar. Thanks.

I would switch cell phone companies, I really would. I'd love to be able to threaten you with that. Unfortunately, you have the best coverage and plans of any phone company out there, and you know it. That's the most frustrating part. You know you have us wrapped around your finger, and you abuse that severely with situations like this. Well I may be a customer that's forced to keep my account with you, but I am not happy with you. Luckily, my mom is not stupid and naive, and she believed me over your lousy Customer Service Representative.

A Very Displeased Customer,
Alex Laird

RA Fail

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-11-25T13:18:39-05:00

Dear RA Who Delivered Demerits to the Gentleman Texting in the Balcony of Chapel Yesterday:

My name is Alex Laird. You may have seen my picture here. You may notice that there’s a difference in appearance between that person and the person you gave demerits to yesterday in chapel who gave you my name as his own. That’s because that was my roommate, Dave.

I forget the state, but there was once a guy who was arrested for refusal to cooperate with a Police Officer. After being pulled over, the officer asked him to show him his Driver’s License and Insurance Identification. The man refused to show the cards, but diligently produced the numbers for each (including expiration date) for all forms of his identification. The officer again asked him to produce the materials. The man informed the officer that, by law, he was not required to produce the physical cards, all he was required to give the officer were the numbers. The officer could have just taken the numbers, written them down, and run them through system back in the squad car. Instead he arrested the man.

The case went to court. The man’s defense was that Police Officers should be required to know the laws in their own states. It’s true, you aren’t required to show your actual driver’s license (in certain states) if you can give them a valid number that they can look up; the officer didn’t know this, but the man who was pulled over did. The case was finally dropped because, well, the guy hadn’t done anything wrong. But he certainly proved his point. If the upholders of the law don’t even know all the laws they’re supposed to be upholding, what’s the point of having them uphold them?

Dave and I like to test RAs. It’s a sick fascination we have, I guess, taunting them by quoting from the rule book and weaseling our way out of demerits. I guess I don’t know the official procedure, but I would assume RAs are supposed to ask you for both your name and your identification number; at least, every one I’ve ever talked to always has. What are the odds you actually have a friend’s ID number memorized?

Yesterday, Ryan and I didn’t sit in the balcony of chapel. We sat down on the floor with Kristi for a change of pace. Dave still sat in the balcony. In the empty seats Ryan and I would have been, a Willets RA sat. Next to Dave. Who was texting (per usual). At the end of chapel, the RA informed Dave she was going to have to give him demerits for being inattentive. Though, let’s be honest, he was probably be more attentive than the majority of the rest of the students in chapel, right? Turkey Break starts tomorrow, let’s be honest. Out of spite toward Ryan and me for not sitting with him, Dave gave the RA my name instead of his own. She didn’t ask for his ID number.

These are, hands down, the bests demerits I ever will have received! Demerits take several weeks to process, usually, so I’m hoping they arrive in my Inbox before the end of the semester. I’ll be sure to post them on Facebook as soon as they do :)!

Facebook Chat Friends and Soccer Players

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-11-25T11:00:49-05:00

I was sitting in the computer pit, outside The Hive, when I overheard the following conversation. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Soccer Jock 1: I got 120, man!
Soccer Jock 2: No way, dude! That’s awesome!
Soccer Jock 1: I’m serious. It almost didn’t happen, and I was so shocked when it did, but now I have the record.
Soccer Jock 2: That’s pretty sweet. So how did it happen?
Soccer Jock 1: Well, the old record was, like, 107. But I beat that by a landslide.
Soccer Jock 2: Yah?
Soccer Jock 1: Yah. Soccer Jock 3 and I were just sitting at my computer the other night, watching it go up. It was at 100, then it jumped up to 106, then it dropped down to 98. I didn’t think it was going to happen, and then, for a few seconds, it jumped to 120!
Soccer Jock 2: Nobody’s going to believe you, though.
Soccer Jock 1: No, dude, Soccer Jock 3 was there too! He saw it.
Soccer Jock 2: Well, at least you have a witness. That’s awesome.
Soccer Jock 1: Yah. So, now I have the record on the Soccer team for most friends on Facebook Chat at one time.

You, my friend, need to get a life. I have an idea. How about you go out and spend some time with a few of those 120 friends (who are clearly as anti-social as yourself) instead of sitting in your room hoping to get a record number of them to all sit down at their computers and sign onto Facebook at the same time. That’s just sad. What’s even more sad is that you’re having a competition over it with your Soccer team. You do know that most of the school scoffs at your arrogance, right? And this isn’t helping your case out much ...

I’m still not sure which is worse though: the Soccer team or the Baseball team. But this scenario definitely helped the Soccer team a lot of points against them.

Please Stop Breaking Up In Awkward Places

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-11-24T16:55:31-05:00

There I was, wandering the SSC in an attempt to find Kristi. The search was in vain, I now realize, because she was in Chuck’s; I place I didn’t plan on looking. (Why are you eating now? I still don’t understand. It’s before 5:00.)

Okay, first side tangent. People at Cedarville eat at ridiculous hours! At home, I’m used to eating at normal and civilized hours such as 6:00 or 6:30. You know, after your Dad gets home from work? I come to Cedarville, and it took me several months of eating by myself before realizing if I wanted company when I ate Dinner that I’d have to eat when I wasn’t hungry. Ridiculously early times such as 5:00 and 5:30. And, apparently, not 4:30. I didn’t even know Chuck’s opened that early.

But that’s not even really part of my story. My story involves breaking up. I went through The Hive, checked my mail (again), and finally decided she was nowhere to be found and that I would sit on one of the comfy couches by the computers underneath the stairs. As I approached said area with comfy couches, I noticed an Awkward Lounge Couple. Except this Awkward Lounge Couple was exceptionally awkward. They weren’t in a lounge either. They were in a coat room. The coat room by the bookstore. This seemed a strange place for a couple to be hanging, albeit I’ve seen stranger and more disturbing in my day.

Turns out this couple wasn’t just hanging. Oh no. The Awkward Lounge Couple seemed to be having a DTR, and it wasn’t the good kind of DTR. It appeared to be one of those “We aren’t an R anymore” sort of DTRs. It had all the tell-tale signs of breakupness. Guys head hung in shame. Guy still remaining to sit awkwardly close to girl, even though she was clearly trying to get away. Girl looking far too pleased with herself considering the guys extremely depressed expression. Guys hands folded in his lap. Guy on the verge of crying. Girl sort of doing that weird try-to-touch-his-arm-without-actually-touching-his-arm sort of thing to reassure him/not give him false hope at the same time.

It was just really awkward. And to add to things, it was in a coat room. On uncomfortable chairs that were stacked in the coat room. (Yes, the guy was actually sitting on said stack of chairs, feet not touching the ground.)

So, Cedarville couples, please stop breaking up in public places. This is at least the third public breakup I’ve seen this year. Lounges are just awkward places, not only for the other person involved in the breakup, but also for everyone else in the lounge ... Especially for everyone else in the lounge. This couple seemed to be making an effort to stay out of the lounges and opted for a coat closet. Really, that’s not any better. Not only was it close to a lounge anyway, it’s ... It’s a coat closet! I can’t say anything else about this. I’m too weirded out.

In Which I Hack Jenna's Blog

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-11-21T21:19:12-05:00

Current Status: Causing Mischief!

That’s right, folks. Ashley and I took Jenna’s blog hostage. After hacking her account, we decided we would write a blog post (from her perspective) while she and Joey were in the car on their way to Iowa. After doing some preliminary research (i.e. reading old blog articles by her, stealing perviously used pictures of Henry, thinking up stories Jenna would tell, etc.), we recalled her aforementioned affection for the cows near the Kansas Turnpike. This was our target.

That’s right, Jenna. We’re both on your blog right now!

We sat on the Grandparent’s couch and hammered out a post for JennaWoestman.com in less than thirty minutes.

Our soon to be infamous blog post is HERE!

The Question of Music, Meaning, and Life Project

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-11-19T15:34:13-05:00

After viewing a few John Cage videos on YouTube (like this one, this one, and possibly this one), I thought to myself, “What the heck ... I could write this crap.” And so, using his song 4’33” as my deepest inspiration, I proceeded to do just that. In fact, I made an entire album, with philosophical song explanations and artwork to go along with it.

If you’re going to download the album, just realize that it probably won’t actually make much sense unless you read the liner notes (which are only provided on the website at the link below). If you don’t read those, you will basically miss the point of this project.

People make money off this stuff. I just do it for fun. I apologize if you actually like John Cage, but that is not music. The following is meant for satirical purposes and not meant to be taken seriously ... At all.

Click for Awesome --> The Question of Music, Meaning, and Life Project

My Icky and Cold Morning

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-11-19T10:32:13-05:00

This morning, as I left my dorm room and headed to work, the temperature was below 25 degrees, and I shudder to even speculate at what the wind chill was.

That being said, I was forced to don my coat, gloves, and soft hat this morning, even though they didn't match the rest of my outfit. It's a sad day when I'm forced to bust out the coat ...

I've Officially Been Cited

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-11-18T22:48:18-05:00

Just over two years I wrote what essentially amounted to be a research paper on Apple. You can read the entire article here.

This week, I was officially cited in a paper written by Gabe Pyle as a reliable source on the subject! In fact, he portrays me as quite a scholarly fellow in his paper, if I do say so myself.

Also, I’m planning on writing a second article dealing with the recent rise in internet stupidity, especially relating to failed attempts to converse in a civilized conversation and the continuing debate of Mac vs. PC. I have an exam tomorrow, but once that is over I should start on it.

I Am Alex's Inability to Concentrate

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-11-18T20:27:16-05:00

I have an Old Testament exam I should be studying for. You can’t blame me too much for not studying right now. I’m in class right now learning about Binary Search Trees and balancing an AVL Tree. The classroom is too warm, and the weather outside is too cold. Somewhere trapped between the two extremes is my inability to think straight and the cause of my obnoxious sweating. Like most rooms at Cedarville, this one is filled with distractions. There’s the huge windows which allow me to look down toward the Milner and Tyler buildings. There’s that comfy and hideous couch in the corner which no one ever sits in and everyone wonders why it’s even in the room. There’s my notebook paper, which can easily be shredded into a million pieces throughout the course of a class period; it’s amazing how many ways you can rip a small piece of paper. Then, of course, there’s my laptop, which is an infinite source of distraction. Although it’s not necessarily all these distractions that are the source of my inability to focus. They just feed it when it’s hungry.

I am Alex’s inability to concentrate. Merely a child of his ADD mind and obsessive compulsive characteristics. I’m the reason he counts his steps. I’m the reason he over thinks every situation. I’m the reason he studies minute details that nobody else notices. I’m the reason he walks in syncopation with the music on his headphones. And in a contrasting sort of way, I’m the reason he can’t concentrate on nothing and fall asleep at night.

I make him run potential conversations over in his head, taking every possibly path the conversation might take, traversing every possible scenario even past the point of literal and ethical standards. And I’m also the reason he forgets all the scenarios when finally presented with the aforementioned conversation. I scatter his thoughts and make him forget the sentences he had so carefully constructed.

I’m the reason he taps his foot, shakes his arm, or twitches his hand when most people sit still. I’m the cause of his intermittent thought patterns. I’m the cause of his dazing off, staring at nothing for minutes on end. And I extend far beyond his academic life.

I probably make him feel crazy most of the time, but that’s my job. I’m just doing what I’m meant to do.

Unnecessary Quotation Marks

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-11-17T12:51:24-05:00

I have this thing where I “can’t stand” it when people use quotation marks unnecessarily (unless it’s for ironic purposes, of course). So, of course, when I saw this sign, it was one of the happiest moments of my life.

There is an entire blog dedicated to the exploiting the misuses of quotation marks. Check it out here.

The Best Hot Chocolate I've Ever Had

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-11-16T13:24:16-05:00

Yesterday, I had the single most delicious cup of hot chocolate that I have ever had. And I credit the entire experience to Kristi Zimmerman, as she showed me how to make it, and it was her experimental recipe. So all can share such a wonderful experience, I will share the proper procedure for making this delicious chocolaty goodness.

Get for yourself a proper sized coffee mug.
Fill the mug 3/4 full of hot water.
Fill the mug 1/8 full of regular coffee.
Mix.
Pour a packet of proper hot chocolate mix into the mug.
Mix.
Pour a shot of Irish Creamer into the mug.
Mix.
Drink and enjoy before it cools down.

The last step is critical, as there is nothing worse than cold hot chocolate or coffee.

Thanks, Kristi. You’re officially the bomb-diggity.

I Know You Were Texting in Chapel

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-11-14T15:28:28-05:00

That’s right, I know everything. But don’t worry, I won’t turn you in for it. I do it all the time.

Who was in chapel this morning, can I see a show of hands? Well, someone was texting in chapel this morning; someone who uses AT&T, and I can almost prove it.

AT&T has got a few things going for them these days, namely the iPhone and their amazing 3G network. While 3G is awesome, here’s the biggest problem with it. It has such high bandwidth data transfer that the signal frequently interferes with surrounding signals. I’ve also heard, though this is not confirmed, that AT&T text messaging uses some sort of an interface that interferes specifically with Bluetooth devices, which your laptop and most computers probably have.

My roommate has a phone that is powered by AT&T. I can predict, almost with perfect accuracy, when he’s going to get a text message before his phone even buzzes. We’ll be sitting in our room, he watching TV, me at my desk doing who-knows-what, and the speakers to our dorm computer will start to sputter, making a staccato style “daaaa-ta-ka-daaa-ta-ka-daaa-ta-ka-daaaaa” sound over and over. “Dave, you’re getting a text.” Seconds later, his phone buzzes.

So, remember that loud and obnoxious “daaaa-ta-ka-daaa-ta-ka-daaa-ta-ka-daaaaa” that we heard blasting over the sound system this morning, interrupting Dr. Brown as he was recognizing our Grandparents? There’s an extremely high chance (I’d say ... 90%) that the cause of that was someone in chapel receiving a text message on the AT&T network.

Grandparent's Day

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-11-14T13:37:28-05:00

I know, Grandparent's Day is the first Sunday after Labor Day, which would be back in September or something. But here at Cedarville, Grandparent's Day is today! It's true! Today is the day we celebrate our grandparents, though I celebrate mine every day of the year :).

Today we had Grandparent's Chapel where we recognized all the grandparents present; we even showed a video of students all over campus talking about why they loved their grandparents. I tried finding the video, but it isn't on our Student Government's website and I can't find it on YouTube, so I guess I'll just have to describe it, if at all possible.

Well, Liz was walking around with the camera and microphone on Monday, and she found me. I'm always more than willing to gloat about my grandparents, so I said a few words about why I love mine. Unfortunately, they cut out my comment about how my Grandparents Laird have been married for over fifty years, which I think is amazingly awesome, but that's alright.

So, why do I love my grandparents? Well, first and foremost, it's they're examples to all of us children as to what a relationship with Christ should look like. Not only that, another encouraging thing is how evident it is that they're interested in their grandchildren's lives (that's me)! On the video, Grandpa, I commented on how you're always technologically savvy and how you even have an iPhone, which you frighteningly use to text me and others while driving. (Sorry, everyone laughed ... You really shouldn't text and drive, you know. There are laws.)

My Grandpa Laird is a great guy with a sense of humor similar to my own, so we get along great for that reason. I like to think he’s a genius. He has been successful in life and always knows the answers to my questions when I call him to ask him things, usually relating to politics or government. We exchange knowledge in that way; I give him computer help and he gives me political help. If he doesn’t know the answer, he’ll find it for me. I said it above, but I’ll say it specifically, my Grandpa Laird loves the Lord with everything in him. He and my Grandma pray together regularly, and he loves to share Christ with people. For a few years he was a pastor, though I wasn’t alive at the time, so I don’t really remember it. I love talking about religious things with him as well as politics. (Just ask him about Christmas … It’s fun *wink*). In general, he’s just a fun guy to converse with, no matter what the subject matter.

My Grandma Laird loves to take us shopping. She loves to spoil us (but in a good way). Whenever we're going to be visiting my grandma on my dad's side, we'll always receive a call the week before asking what sorts of sugary cereals we want to eat while we're there. (Mom never would buy us Lucky Charms.) Ice cream? She'll get it. Pizza? We'll order it. My grandparent's house was the only place I ever really watched cable TV because we didn't have it. We had a TV, but it only had local channels, and I rarely ever even watched them. So when we visited my grandparents, we would always wake up early and watch the morning cartoons. Grandma Laird is a wonderful woman who loves the Lord just like her husband, and not only does she share God’s love with people whenever she can get the chance, she’s encouraging to us grandchildren as well to persevere through trials and maintain a right relationship with God.

My mom’s mom, Grandma Richardson, is the cutest little grandma ever. I got a card in the mail from her the other day, and she went on to describe the cows, the chickens, what my mom was doing, and how my family was, since I wasn't there to see them. She gives splendid hugs, and caring for others is her specialty. Grandma loves God and she loves everyone around her, and she’s a special one with which no one else can compare. She knows all of her grandchildren and great grand children, which is saying quite a bit because she has a lot. When I say she knows them, I mean she knows great details about each of them. She makes it a point to keep up with her family’s lives, and that’s a true blessing.

My Grandpa Richardson, who went to be with Jesus a few years ago, had the biggest heart for God I think I've ever seen in anyone. In his younger years, he was a Baptist pastor (I guess I’m surrounded by them), and he has always served the Lord with all his strength, even when his strength was waning. My favorite thing to do with him was to sit on the couch next to his chair, pick up the Bible, open it to a random location and read a random passage. Then I would ask him the reference. You could see the wheels turning in his mind, even when it took him a few minutes to respond, but if he couldn't nail it down to the exact reference, he could at least tell you the book and probably even the chapter. Additionally, he was able to give you the context of the verse and why it was significant. (Those were free, you didn't even have to ask him and he just would tell you that.) He was truly an amazing man.

All of my grandparents are amazing. They all care about us and love us, and they're all interested in our lives. Let's face it, without my grandparents, I wouldn't be where I am today, and neither would my parents. You're all amazing people who have poured your lives into not only each other and others but also into your grandchildren, and you've made a huge difference in my life. I love you all very much!

New Posts On Dave and Alex's Happy Fun-Time Blog

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-11-13T21:50:34-05:00

Since I have yet to take the time to route the Dave and Alex’s Happy Fun-Time Blog RSS feed into this blog, I’ll just have to include links to my most recent posts on the blog. Here you go.

Things I’ve Seen, Pt. 3

Things I’ve Seen, Pt. 4

Things I’ve Heard, Pt. 2

Read up. I strongly suggest Things I’ve Heard, Pt. 2, which relates to recent ridiculous comments on the election. Gotta love ‘em!

Crazy 8s! (Jenna Made Me Do This ...)

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-11-13T13:26:48-05:00

It appears as though I’ve been randomly selected to do one of these survey things by none other than my annoying sister, Jenna. Alright, here goes nothing. (After reviewing this, I realized Jenna and I wrote the same thing before starting ... That was not intended and has officially creeped me out.)

8 TV Show I Love to Watch:

The Simpsons
The Office
Arrested Development
Lost
30 Rock
Family Guy
Gilmore Girls
Stella

8 Favorite Restaurants:

Panda Express
Red Robin
Panera Bread
Chipotle
Cheesecake Factory
Fazoli’s
Zio Johnos
Pizza Hut

8 Things that Happened Today:

Kicked a Java exam in the butt
Had a Caramel Latte
Went to chapel
Blogged about my free coffee from Dr. Miller
Ate lunch
Discussed plans for Dave and I’s movie
Went to work
Watched The Office

8 Things I Look Forward To:

Graduation
Passing Calculus
Moving back to Iowa
Getting a full time job
Listening to music
Dave and I’s movie
Turkey Break
Christmas Break

8 Things On My Wishlist:

Working on a project that changes the way we use technology
Working with the youth at my church
Making a difference in a High Schoolers life
Working for Apple or Google
Being arrested for something I didn’t do. Just because the experience would be sweet, but I don’t actually want to break the law.
Going to a Coldplay or U2 concert
To be an Uncle
The dress code to be dropped (or at least significantly lessened) at Cedarville

And I’m not tagging anyone else in this. Just because I don’t feel like it :).

Another Cedarville Experience

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-11-13T11:13:30-05:00

It’s been a long week. Lost somewhere in exams, papers, and projects is my sleep. I’m not complaining or saying it’s a bad week, time just seems to be moving very slowly.

Yesterday, I woke up early to go to work, as usual for a Wednesday. I left work a bit early so I could lay my head on the desk in class for a few minutes before it started. That never actually happened, because as I sat in my comfy rolly chair, Nathan walked up to our row and asked if anyone was sitting in the chair to my right. It was empty, so he sat down.

Dr. Miller, the professor who teaches multiple sections of Old Testament Literature, a class of several hundred students, tore his Achilles Tendon a couple months ago, and he’s had to hobble around in a cast with crutches since then. A hard thing to do for a man who loves to walk up and down the aisles of his class while he teaches. I think he was in an exceptionally good mood yesterday, as it appeared he didn’t have the cast on at all anymore and he was walking up and down the aisles before class started.

Nathan has a travel mug that he had sitting on the desk. Dr. Miller walked up to our row and picked Nathan’s mug.

“It’s not even full,” he commented.
“No, I already drank most of it this morning,” Nathan replied.
“You could go fill it up outside.”
“That’s right!” I jutted in, “they have that stand out there now!”

Usually I would have had to walk all the way back to the SSC, and I was in the Bible building, so that was just too far of a walk. But they have a coffee stand in the atrium of the Bible building that I had totally forgotten about! I reached towards my bag before realizing I didn’t have my travel mug with me today; I had taken it out of my bag the day prior.

“Aw, nuts, I don’t have my mug.” My dismay was evident.
“You could just get one of the cups they have out there,” Dr. Miller suggested. “Here, do you need a dollar?”
“Are you serious?”

Apparently he was, because he reached for his wallet, pulled out a dollar, and handed it to me. “I am so getting a cup of coffee then!” I leapt up from my chair and ran out of the classroom, off to get my Sumatra coffee.

It could have been that Dr. Miller was in an exceptionally good mood due to the lack of a cast on his ankle. It could have been that it was incredibly obvious how tired I was and that he wanted me to stay awake in his class. It could have been that he felt guilty because he still hasn’t followed up on our coffee date which we agreed to last year ... And the beginning of this year. But I like to think that, had all the previous elements been missing, he still would have handed me a dollar. That’s just how Dr. Miller is.

Which brings me to my main point: that’s how Cedarville is. When people ask me what my favorite thing about Cedarville is, or why they should come (or transfer) here, I always tell them to same thing: the professors. Sure, the social atmosphere is awesome as well, and that’s a huge part of college, but the purpose of college is to study and learn, so professors are pretty important, I’d say. And when you’re paying ... Well ... A lot of money for a better education, there had better be some reason you’re paying that much more.

It’s not uncommon to visit your professor’s house, or your advisor’s, or the head of your department’s. The professors here don’t just try to shuffle you through their class with a passing grade, they’re actually interested in whether you’re learning properly. They’re also interested in your personal life, and I’ve had numerous professors offer to pray for me or help me in any way they can.

It’s not always just little things like offering a dollar for coffee though. Last year, I was in a class of about eighty people. For every section this professor taught, he had all the students over to his house to enjoy a home cooked meal after the Final by his lovely wife. Around the time of the final, one of my fellow classmate’s parents died. Obviously, the professor allowed them to go home and take the Final at a later time. That wasn’t all the professor did though. He actually bought the student a plane ticket home as well so they wouldn’t have to drive.

Whether it’s a genuine interest in the personal life of their students, a willingness to serve them in any way possible, or simply a dollar to wake a student up in their class, it’s evident that the professors at Cedarville care about you and your academic career. And, while buying a plane ticket for a student is a pretty awesome thing to do, that doesn’t lessen the meaning of “little” things at all. That coffee basically saved my life this morning. Thanks, Dr. Miller!

That’s just one of the many reasons I love Cedarville.

My Claim to Fame

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-11-08T23:09:34-05:00

So, today I posted on Jenna’s blog. It was my very first guest appearance, and it was pretty great. She totally doesn’t even know what I wrote yet, which is the best part. (It pays to know your sister’s password, I tell you what.)

Don’t worry ... I was actually doing her a favor, since she needs to post every single day during the month of November to be eligible for something thing. I noticed she hadn’t posted yet today, so I posted for her. It’s as easy as that.

Here’s my post.

Cotton Balls and Cramps

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-11-07T10:36:19-05:00

I was never really good at Chemistry. Better at it than at Biology, but still not exceptional. Granted, I earned an A when I took Chemistry in college, but this was from Kirkwood, which doesn’t have the highest academic prestige, so the A was easily achieved without completely understanding the material ... The same goes for Biology, which I also took there and received a B+. That being said, I may not have the fullest understanding of acids and bases and things breaking down. (In fact, if the previous sentence really makes no sense, that’s probably why ... I was just trying to throw the words out to sound intelligent.)

I’m also the type of person that, if you tell me to do something (you don’t even have to dare me, really) and it’s not against my morals and doesn’t seem to have the potential to cause a fatality, I’ll probably do it. I’m always up for checking off experiences from my “Things To Do Before I Die” list. I guess that’s why I have black nails right now ...

Last night, we celebrated the Finnish holiday of Pyhäinpäivä (PUH-HAH-IN-PIE-VAH). The American equivalent would be All Saints’ Day, but while All Saints’ Day is always on November 1st, Pyhäinpäivä is on the first Saturday between October 31st and November 6th. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Last night wasn’t Saturday. That is very perceptive of you. We just realized this morning that Griffin actually gave us the wrong day to celebrated the beloved holiday of our ancestors, but we will try to forgive him. But since we didn’t get to celebrate Pyhäinpäivä last Saturday, we decided to celebrate it last night, the 6th, by watching The Office and performing several Finnish traditions with a large group of people.

It was a fantastic turnout. We had seventeen people show up to a celebration that they had never even heard of. During the commercial breaks of The Office, we muted the volume and partook together in the Finnish festivities we had planned just an hour before the party started. Such festivities included, but were not limited to the following:

As is custom, the host must advise all invited guests to bring their own eggs. At the celebration of Pyhäinpäivä, all guests must laugh at anyone who actually brings their own eggs. This ceremony is in commemoration of King Albert’s (of Mecklenburg) practice of sending out edicts via carrier chicken.
The oldest male must eat a cotton ball in memory of our ancestors that, in the Finnish blight of 1728, had to ingest their bedding and pillows to survive.
All guests must pass the flaming grease cup. This symbolizes the flame of unity and also reminds us of an old Finnish legend in which a crew of sailors were caught at sea during a long December. The crew was forced to burn their stores of bacon and butter for warmth to survive and was able to outlast the winter. The cup of grease must be passed counterclockwise, each person saying to the person to their right what they would give them for Christmas, if they could give them anything.
One volunteer, or victim chosen at random if no one should volunteer, must perform the traditional Finnish dance to keep the spirits at bay for the coming year. Since the traditional Finnish dance has long since been forgotten, the volunteer must improvise interpretively. The person must volunteer without knowing what they are agreeing to do, thus symbolizing the stark bravery of Finnish dancers.
A song must be sung to commemorate the coronation of King Valdemar of the house of Bjelbo. The original melody has long since been forgotten, so any song that is well known, radio-worthy, and at least nine years old may be sung. And, in light of King Valdemar’s decree regarding the Great Minstrel Hunt of 1264, the song must be sung a capella by all guests present.
There was a chicken virus that went around in Finland in 1355. At that time, whenever someone ate anything made out of eggs, they weren’t sure if the egg had been infected or not. The chance taken in eating things made with eggs is represented by a game of chance referred to as “Never Have I Ever” or, in Finnish, “Koskaan Olen Koskaan.” All guests must form a circle, placing an egg on the group in front of them. One person says something that they have never done, and anyone in the circle who has done that thing must spin their egg. If the egg stops spinning while it is pointing at the person who spun it, they are officially out of the game. The last person remaining collects all the eggs at the end of the game.
The Finnish are known especially for two things: Their love of unity and friendship, and their exception hip-grabbing ability. To celebrate, all members present must participate in an impromptu conga line from the party’s locale to the nearest seller of overpriced goods, through their place of business, and back to the party.

I offered Ryan a rolly-polly baby Panda for Christmas, Shannon performed the interpretive dance, we sang Fresh Prince of Bel-Air in memory of King Valdemar, and I happened to be the oldest male present. So I ate a cotton ball. Not just any cotton ball, mind you, but probably the largest one in the bag; it was dark and I just reached in and grabbed one, but it happened to be enormous. After mustering up all my gumption, I stuck the cotton ball in my mouth and started salivating to get it wet enough to slide down my throat. It took me quite a while, but finally I tried swallowing. It got stuck half way. I grabbed the nearest cup of Mountain Dew and forced the cotton ball the remainder of the way into my stomach. There was much rejoicing, and I took my seat again as The Office came back on.

Had I paid closer attention in my aforementioned Community College classes, I might have known that the acids in your stomach can’t actually break down cotton for some reason (which leaves me thoroughly unimpressed with my own stomach), and I may have been more wary of eating a cotton ball. As it was, I simply thought it would digest and there would be no problems.

This morning I woke up with horrendous cramps (on top of an already very upset stomach) and a terrible headache. I tried sitting up in bed, but that seemed to hurt too much, so I just laid there for a very long time, eventually skipping my first class.

So let this be a lesson to all of you! I know Buddy eats cotton balls in Elf, and it looks like fun and that he doesn’t suffer any consequences from his actions, but trust me ... He does! Your stomach, intestines, and basically any part of your digestive tract don’t get along well with cotton balls.

See what you missed out on last night, Jon McGill?

No-Shave November

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-11-06T15:45:48-05:00

I used to really be into nostalgia.

The other day I was reminiscing about my childhood. I try to do it regularly, thinking about the time I walked out onto our red back porch in the old house, looked over the rail and asked my mother, “Mom, if I jump off this, will I die?” (Oh, the questions you put up with, Mom ...) Or the time I colored all over the door to the toy room with sidewalk chalk; my older siblings had locked me out because I would have ruined their fun. Then there was the time I climbed on the wall at the library only to fall tumbling to the ground (it was about three feet high ...), landing on my face and breaking my tooth; we were on the way to Chicago, and my siblings were not pleased with me. My brother and I used to have this imaginary world which we dubbed “Nutkin.” We acted out the characters with different hand shapes and made them talk. It drove Jenna crazy!

Specifically, I remember always wanting a beard when I was a little boy. For some reason that is beyond my comprehension these days (but somehow made perfect sense to my feeble mind), I thought facial hair was the coolest thing. I think most little boys do, probably, and maybe some little girls ... Who knows? At some point I decided a beard may be too much, and I decided I just wanted a mustache. A mustache which, if worn these days, would make me look like an absolute creeper, but every little boy has a dream, right?

See, my Dad has a lot of facial hair. He shaves every day because it grows so fast and so thick. I always wished he would just grow it out, because I think he would look like the coolest dude if he did. Then I saw pictures of when he had grown it out and decided it was OK for him to keep it shaved. Not that he looked bad, I just realized I was used to him not having facial hair and it would just be weird if he had it. But every once in a while we would go on vacation or something and he would let it grow out. And if we were especially good, he would let us crawl up on his lap and feel it’s scruffiness with our hands. This just made me want facial hair even more.

No more! Why did I ever want facial hair? This is a message to every little boy out there who thinks he wants facial hair. If you have thick facial hair, you have to shave every day if you don’t want it to look icky. Unless you want to grow it out, in which case you could trim it every day until it’s a proper length; then you have to continue trimming it regularly so it doesn’t get out of control: Example. But until it gets to a certain point, your facial hair will be scratchy beyond belief. Quite annoying.

So, there’s this thing called No-Shave November which presents a solution to this problem. It’s pretty simple, really. You just don’t shave for the entire month. Girls are encouraged to participate, though as soon as we tell them to they all say the same thing: “Trust me, you don’t want me to not shave.” Actually, I wouldn’t care. I probably don’t touch your legs very often, and even if I did ... Isn’t that the point of No-Shave? To be gross? You never here us say that, and you actually have to look at our hair. But I digress. Let’s be honest, most participants in No-Shave don’t maintain their facial hair at all, so they just look like bums for a month. (Yah, that’s right, I’m talking to you.)

This is why I’m not participating. I don’t want to feel itchy for weeks until it finally gets smooth, all the while looking like a hobo. I will continue to shave throughout the month of November and that’s all there is to it.

The 2008 Election Is Over ... Finally

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-11-05T08:55:42-05:00

It looks like we will finally have a new President come January, and quite a bit of change to come with that!

I'm baffled by how many people seem to have fallen victim to the silly catch phrase "Yes We Can!" or Obama's claim to "bring change to our nation." Listen, any President will bring change. Claim something significant. And "Yes We Can!" just sounds like a slogan off of Bob the Builder.

But enough bashing of our new President-to-be. That's actually not what I wanted to talk about anyway, I just had to get it out.

Hopefully for the last several months you've been praying that God's will would be done, not that John McCain would be our next President. (I'm looking at you, Conservative Republican-Voting Christians!) That's probably not the right way to go aabout it, and anyway, I believe that God's will has been done.

One thing I'm pretty excited about now that the election is finally past is that your cheesy Facebook statuses will go away. Seriously ... Let me just give you a few examples to prove my point without using any names. (The names that are used below are only because I know the people wouldn't care and because they were one of the few being positive about the election.)

Jane Doe is scared for his country.
Seeing as how we're the most powerful country in the world, this may be a good feeling to have. And change is always a scary thing, for the good or bad. Though, as V for Vendetta, "People should not be afraid of their governments; governments should be afraid of their people." In general, however, I don't think you need to be scared of Obama. He's going to do what's best for our country. That's what we elected him to do.

Jane Doe is thinking America is retarded. The only difference between Obama and Osama is B.S.
This sounds like something I would have heard as a joke back in Junior High. But I think she actually may believe it. Anyway, this is ridiculously racist, since about the only thing that's similar between the two of them is that they have darker skin. Please don't try to bring up any bogus remarks about Obama's ties with terrorist organizations now.

Also, prior to the heat of the election, Microsoft Word auto-corrected "Obama" to "Osama" because it didn't know the word, but this has been fixed since then. True story.

John Doe is praying that his country is not really this ignorant.
Probably not. We're not all complete idiots, we know what we voted for.

John Doe congradulates Al-Qaeda.
Honestly, Brad, what school do you go to? You can't even spell congratulate ...

John Doe knows this country needs a lot of prayer now.
I hope that you pray for our country all the time and would have been praying for our country just as much had McCain won. Everything always need all the prayer we can give it.

Jane Doe is here comes socialism.
By the way, Facebook finally removed the obligatory "is", so you could change it to "Jane Doe says" and it would sound even better. Anyway, last time I checked we're still a Democracy and always will be.

John Doe is very scared for the fate of the free world.
Still free. That's why we elected a new President, because we can and we have the right to.

John Doe likes babies. Go McCain!
I like babies as well! They're cute and wiggly and they go "coo" a lot. But, wait, aren't we talking about an election here? As in, who's going to lead our country? Sorry if this sounds harsh, but this isn't a single-issue election, and those who vote based upon a single issue bother me. We voted for the person who could best lead our country in every situation.

John Doe is begining to question peoples christianity who are voting for obama...you fools are unbelievable.
Your status is unbelievable. Last time I checked, God doesn't vote. He doesn't even believe in democracy.

John Doe hopes that by this time tomorrow we can ALL unite under the leadership of whoever wins, whether it's McCain or Obama.
Finally, a mature status! Thanks, Dan, you rock. That's the kind of attitude we need.

John Doe is still proud to be an American, because, last time he checked, he was still free.
Nice, Keenan! You certainly are, and that's the kind of attitude we need here.

Jane Doe is ENGAGED!!!!
Apparently not everyone was thinking about the election last night. Congratulations to my good friends Mr. and Mrs. (to be) David Benson :)! Honestly, any guy who writes "Will You Marry Me?" in flaming napalm on the ground has MY vote. And apparently hers, since she said yes :).

OK, there are countless statuses that bothered me because they were so closed-minded or inconsiderate of other people or God's sovereignty. Or did everyone suddenly forget that we live under the rule of an all-powerful God?

What bothered me most last night was how quickly McCain withdrew from the race. I mean, obviously he was going to lose ... That was predictable around 9:00pm. But it just seemed weak to bow out so quickly. On the flip side, what was it with hundreds of thousands of his supports booing him when he announced his support for our next President, Barack Obama? That's support, huh? I think it's silly he pulled out so soon, but I at least support his decision.

Anyway, you all should have voted for Cox/Laird ’08 last night. But seriously, hopefully people's statuses will soon go back to pointless banter about their upcoming tests, how some girl is annoying them, or the horrible food at Chuck's. Things that don't matter, and things that don't sarcasticly point fingers of blame at fellow believers.

By the way. I voted for John McCain. And I support Barack Obama.

My Generation

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-11-01T14:35:05-04:00

I’ve noticed quite a few irritating trends that seem to be emerging quite heavily in my generation. And perhaps the most frustrating notion is the fact that I notice them in myself as well.

This is a unique generation. We do as we will, we think as we please, and you really can’t tell us to do otherwise. We find ridiculous things funny, we get amusement out of the most childish things, and we’re always right. Always. You can try to educate us, but our minds will hardly be swayed. Pardon the overt cliche, but my generation is, in fact, the post modern generation. Or, at the very least, the most post modern we’ve seen yet. One can only imagine what the next generation, or the generation following that, will be like if this is what my generation has become. And since my generation is the one that will be molding the minds of the next, or at least trying to, it seems inevitable.

When I say you can try to educate us, I’m not implying that we’re stupid. Granted, statistics will tell you that the current generation being schooled in America is the dumbest yet, but we have ingenuity wrapped up in our brains somewhere. What I mean is that, when you try to get us to understand your ways, we’re closed minded. Or maybe we’re too open minded and that’s the problem. And maybe that’s the biggest misunderstanding; my generation is a paradox.

So, what makes us so unique? I’ve tried to come up with the most obvious traits that seem to be evident in most of my generation. Not all of them are, mind you, and some of them may seem as though I’ve taken them to the extreme, but I’m trying to make a point that I think needs to be made.The most disturbing thing I find in all this is that the below attributes seem to be just as commonly found in Christian circles as they are in non-Christian circles. It’s like my entire generation has become numb, not just the secular portion of my generation.

You’re Actually Wrong
We love to be the ones to have the right answer. We love to know everything. So much so, in fact, that we feel the urge to correct you about everything you say.

When I was younger, my older brother used to always ask, “What time is it?” I would reply something like, “It’s 2:47.” Andrew would huff and roll his eyes stating irritatedly, “Alex, you don’t have to give the exact time. Just round it to 2:45 like normal people.” He had this thing with trying make me not feel like a normal person. It took me quite a while to get the idea, but I finally caught on.

Today, things seem to be just the opposite. If you aren’t exact, you aren’t right at all. We’ve become so literal. But the trouble is, you see, you can’t be exactly right. Only we can, and that’s why we feel the urge to correct you, because we’re the ones who really know. It gives us a sense of pride, proving to you how much we know.

That’s Just Your Opinion, Which May Also be Right
On the occasion, you may say something and actually be right in some statement you make. Exactly right. How are we to correct you on this? My generation has brought a new concept to the table, the concept of dismissing absolutes. If nothing can truly be absolute, then “exactly right” is really only your opinion and, once again, we have the opportunity to correct you with what we know to be the exactly right answer. And, trust us, our exactly right is more accurate than your exactly right.

The biggest issue with this is that neither of us can truly be absolute about our exactly right, therefore neither of us can truly tell the other person that they’re wrong. This leaves us with the conclusion that their may be two right answers, and have come to accept that fact.

Don’t Tell Us; We Already Know
Since we tend to build on pride on how much we know, making it obvious to you that we already know it is key. Don’t try to tell us about the newest Lamborghini concept, something you just heard today about politics on CNN, an up-and-coming movie release starring Denzel Washington, the rumor of Green Day’s next LP, or even what the definition of LP actually is; we already know it. We fill our minds with useless information just so we finish your sentences for you.

We’re so full of our own self pride that we can’t be told anything new, even by someone with clearly superior in intellect to us. Apparently it would be a mockery of our own intellect to learn something from someone else and not the internet.

An Insatiable Hunger for Hilarity
We always have to be laughing at something, and we always have to be making you laugh. In my generation it has become awkward to sit in silence; to not hear some twisted joke just to break the tension. We feed ourselves humor constantly, be it from friends, movies, television, websites, or anything. In fact, if we can’t find something humorous in what’s going on around us, we’ll take someone else’s words and twist them, just to make someone laugh. It’s a nervous addiction we have, but it can never be fed enough.

It’s obvious that some of our elders try to make efforts to reach out to my generation. The problem is, we’ll just make a fool of you for a cheap laugh from our friends. You can tell us the funniest joke you know, but it won’t make us laugh. We’re obliged not to. What will be funny is the condescending remark we make towards you directly after. Take the same joke, put it in the mouth of Ben Stiller or Will Ferrell in a movie with a ridiculous plot, and we’ll find it hilarious.

See, it’s not just about laughing. It’s about knowing what to laugh at, and twisting everything else so others will laugh at your “wit”.

Vulgarity and Sacrilege
Our insatiable hunger for hilarity gets worse. We’re at the point where we must make absolutely everything funny, no matter how much of a stretch. The easiest and cheapest way to make anything hilarious is to make some sexual innuendo out of it. But we don’t stop there. We’ll make references to pornography, rape, incest, bestiality, or any other abomination you can think of, just to get you to laugh. Oh, you’re not laughing? You must be an idiot then, because everyone else thinks what we’re saying is hilarious.

Just take, for example, the recently overwhelming popularity of “That’s what she said” jokes.

In conjunction with vulgarity, we’re not afraid to offend the Creator whom we should be worshipping with our words. How many times do we take the Lords name in vain every day? I imagine most of us lose count before lunch. How little we respect someone who has done so much for us. We constantly take Him for granted. We fail to realize that all of the things in this list, when used improperly as they most commonly are, are means of sacrilege, because in sinning, we are continuing to destroy the perfect character God intended for us.

The Odds in Our Favor
We arrange our lives so that everything works perfectly in our favor. Our relationships, our schooling, our income, everything. If anything starts to fall apart, we drop it and leave, never looking back. We have a horrible issue with commitment for this reason. We figure that if something does go wrong, it must be because we aren’t meant to be in the given situation, so we bail. A loving God wouldn’t expect us to fail, right? We avoid confrontation, which could resolve the issue and bring a closer to those around us, and we choose to back out. It’s the short term, easier approach to solving all of our problems.

Keeping Up With the Joneses
It all goes back to our pride, but we have to look like we have it all together, even though we’re probably an emotional wreck. Yes, I wear expensive clothes. Yes, I have a fancy car. Yes, I buy Apple because they cost more than PC. Yes, my Daddy’s rich and pays for my college. Yes, yes, yes. Is my economic status impressing you? Because it should be.

We always have to have the latest and greatest new product, no matter how useless and overly priced it may be. Sure, we could have found a cheaper brand for $5, but this was has a name attached to it, and it cost me $50!

Maybe it looks like we have money, but we really don’t. We have plastic and we have PayPal, the things that have done more damage to our economy than anything else in history. When we see something we want, we can’t wait. My generation has no patience. We must have it now, not at the end of the month when we get our paycheck. We know we can always buy it on credit and pay it back later or, better yet, use the credit card our parents pay off.

We want you to be impressed with the size of our house. We want you to be impressed with the things we can afford. And, in reality, you probably are. But you aren’t impressed with us as a person, and that’s what our human nature truly craves. But how can you be impressed with us as a person if we act so superficial towards you?

Constant Occupation
Do we look busy enough to you? In the same way we feel we must always make someone laugh, we also feel the urge to constantly look busy. We’re always texting, always in a rush to get back to the dorm to check our Facebook and email, always calling someone, always doing homework, always doing something. If we sit back in silence and let our minds wander, we might actually realize how messed up and far from God our lives have become.

Shock Value
We aim to offend. It could be how we dress, it could be how we talk, it could be what we watch. But somewhere along the lines, about the time we lost all respect for our elders, we decided to take it to the next level and openly offend them.

My generation thrives on awkward situations ... Awkward for you. We don’t find much awkward because we’re so numb to the world, but we know you do. In our cravings for attention from others and, yes, even from you, we’re willing to do just about anything to shock everyone around us into being impressed. Maybe you’re not impressed, but you gave us your attention for a moment, right? And, trust me, our friends are impressed. It’s why we talk so loudly in public, lacing our sentences with obscenities that actually make us sound ridiculous. It’s why we wear formfitting outfits that look cost twice as much but look like the sewing machine ran out of thread half way.

It’s the same reason we tease the kid with the short temper. We want to see him snap; it’s what bullies thrive off of. My generation is just a generation of bullies towards everyone they meet. As soon as you snap and yell at us, we get our adrenaline high.

Apathy
We’ve reached the point where we’re almost raised not to feel in certain situations. It’s not that we’re completely against feelings; on the contrary, we can be quite emotive. We’re only against feelings when there’s the potential for vulnerability or hurt. Our apathy can be responsible for most of the inconsistencies in our character; it’s why we try to offend and it doesn’t phase us, it’s why we have a lack of commitment, it’s why we have no respect for our elders, it’s why vulgar music doesn’t phase us, and it’s why we don’t jump in scary movies. Nothing phases us because we just don’t care. This behavior is completely against everything humans are created to be. Feelings are at the root of our very beings. Being vulnerable is the only real way we can ever express those feelings.

Maybe this is evident in every next generation, and maybe everyone at some point or another has the same feelings of annoyance that I do toward their own generation (and their own characteristics), but I felt the need to get my thoughts out there to see if anyone else felt the same way.

And I think I feel better now.

Facebook's Double Posting ...

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-10-22T23:39:08-04:00

Just as a random note, what is the deal with Facebook posting some of my notes twice? Don’t you know how to read a feed? I’ve even gone back and deleted the duplicates, but guess what? They appear again a couple days later. So, in case any of you were wondering, that’s why I have double posts on some of my older blogs on the Facebook Note stream ... Weird.

Suspicious Package Found at Cedarville

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-10-22T14:07:44-04:00

Cedarville University seems to have made it into the papers again. This story is almost as amazing as the Climate of Fear article reported a while back (the parody of which, Climate of Beer, was even better).

Apparently this is all they could find to report on ...

Here’s the situation: A suspicious packaged is found on campus by a staff member and is reported to the proper authorities. The bomb squad is apparently the proper authorities on such matters. The package is properly disposed of, Cedarville is in the news.

Let’s try to put this into a proper perspective ... So, you’re walking through the DMC, thinking of the best way to inform your class that the highest grade was a 79%, but it still doesn’t reflect your teaching (somehow), and you see a small, brown box off in a dark corner. I don’t know about you, but if that were me, I would first give my students a major curve because my exam sucked. Secondly, I would not assume the box was a bomb. This is Cedarville. Clearly there’s a legitimate explanation for the “suspicious” package. I’m not sure if the box looked at the staff member ominously, or if it just straight up said, “This Is Suspicious” on the front, but unless one of those two things is true (and believe me, a box with eyes is a cause for concern), I don’t think Campus Safety needs to get involved. Hey, but on the bright side, you now have an excuse to cancel class.

This evidently just goes to show how little Campus Safety really has to do, and how tired they are of simply handing out Parking Violations. They took this as their time to shine. The last time that happened was ... Sheesh ... With the Cadillitic Converters being randomly stolen off cars last year! So, Campus Safety gets this report of a suspicious package, goes to check it out, finds that it’s a harmless brown box, moves it to, of all places, the driving range on the outskirts of campus, and ... Calls Hazmat. Then they send out a campus wide email informing us they have the situation under control.

Good. Because we all were aware of the situation and very concerned. Of course, Cedarville being the small campus that it is, and not already having enough female gossip to go around, everyone starts talking about the package.

Of course, you can’t have a suspicious package without the news getting involved. So the nightly news came to campus to interview people and do a report on it. They decided to run it as a “bomb threat”, which I think should have meant we didn’t have school the next day, but we did. It wasn’t a bomb threat. It was a suspicious package. There was never even really talk of a bomb, except that the bomb squad was here ... Minor details.

So, what was in the package, anyway? Well, after the campus wide email regarding the suspicious package went out, a group of students who had placed the package (as suspiciously as possible, apparently) decided to come forward and admit their crime. They had placed the box in the DMC as part of a scavenger. I’m guessing it was the final prize. It contained a box of chocolates. After the group of students came forward, Campus Safety and the Bomb Squad turned the investigation over to local authorities. I’m not sure what that means, but if those guys are prosecuted for a scavenger hunt, they you know Cedarville has too much time on its hands!

But just think, if the staff member had just quietly taken the box with him or her, he or she could have had that entire box of chocolates to themselves, and no one would have been the wiser, and the people participating in the scavenger hunt would have felt severely shafted. Finders keepers.

"Those People" You Hate On Facebook

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-10-23T16:16:42-04:00

You know those Facebook personalities that float around, haunting the world's best social networking site. Everybody knows them. They're unavoidable. Well, here's a list of the most common and annoying ones that I've found. If you find that you fit one of these stereotypes, please, do all of your friends a favor.  Stop doing that thing.

The Poker
I don't actually need to say anything about this. It's self explanatory. Why does poking exist? It's stupid. Stop poking me.

The Groupie
The Groupie is the guy who thinks every cause, every inside joke, every event, everything deserves a Facebook group. It doesn't. Coincidently, most Groupies tend to be quite illiterate and can't even properly convey their cause in less than seventy-five characters. This leads to his group name having far too many punctuation marks and not enough legitimate words. Also, lots of abbreviations.

As if there aren't already enough groups out there. Heck, there are duplicates of groups, just spelled and exclaimed differently. You can find fan groups, anti-fan groups, event groups, groups trying to be the biggest group, groups against groups, groups that are against groups that are against groups, groups against duplicate groups (ironically, there's a ton of those ... Check it), groups ... You get the idea. All that, and there's not even really a point to them. If you're a fan of something, why join a group? Add it to your Interests ...

The Groupie may also be known for being ...

The Invitation Freak
Back in 2007, shortly after Facebook apps were launched, Facebook had over 3,000 apps you could add, and was averaging 100 new apps every day. That's way too many to sift through. Unfortunately, The Invitation Freak will somehow find time to sift through them all and invite you to all of them as well. Numerous times. (I'm still not sure whether vampires or werewolves are better ...)

But he won't just do this with apps. No, he'll do it with groups, pages, events ... everything. Anything that has the "Invite People to Join" button, The Invitation Freak will invite you to it. The reason Facebook has become so insecure recently and has been the result of countless hacking attempts is essentially the fault of The Invitation Freak. Anyone can write an app; therefore the same geniuses who keep Symantec and McAfee in business will also make apps to hack Facebook.

The Obnoxious Tagger
The Obnoxious Tagger thinks your life isn't complete without theirs. That's why they have to tag you in all of their notes, photos, and videos. They think you need to know about the good time they had, about how depressed they are, or whatever.

Quickly check out this page on tagging in Facebook. Notice, under photos, it says, "Facebook provides users with the opportunity to identify the people in their photos by 'tagging' the images." ... Hold on, let me just say it again "... identify the people in their photos ..." This would imply the person was, in fact, in the photo. This principle should also be applied to Notes. If the person is not actually mentioned in the note, you don't need to tag them.

Look, everything you do or add on Facebook will show up in my News Feed moments after you do it, so it's not like I don't know you wrote a note. I suppose the cause of this may be because The Obnoxious Tagger is also actually ...

The Attention Monger
The Attention Monger has to be seen on Facebook. They update their status on an unhealthy basis, constantly put pictures (of themselves) into albums, update their status again (even though they aren't doing anything new), comment on all your photos and notes, right on everyone’s wall (because it will show up in the News Feed!) ... Anything that can be posted on, they will post on. Anything that can be updated, they will update so they're always at the top of your News Feed. Just met them? They'll add you. Just added an album and forgot to tag them in a photo? They'll tag it for you.

Their profile is completely full. They list every band, every movie, every everything they possibly can in their profile. They even have that Extended Profile app to add MORE, just in case you actually do pay attention to them for once ... They want you to know how awesome they are.

Unfortunately, people who see The Attention Monger all too often must ask the question ...

Do I Know You?
This person adds you when they don't really know you.  You meet them once, they permanently engrain your name into their memory because they think you're cute, and then they go back to their dorm and add you as a friend. But you aren't really friends. Webster says a friend is "one attached to another by affection or esteem" or "a favored companion". Someone can't be either of these things after one or two meetings, no matter how cute they are.

Then there's the person on Facebook who thinks they're on MySpace. I think they literally just search for random names and add people when they're bored. I used to know somebody who would just always look up their own name and add anyone whom they had that common bond with.

Finally, there's the "I know you through your cousin" guy. Look, we've never met, so why are you adding me? I don't care if you know my cousin, or you went to school with my parents and you're fifty (that happened to me once). Facebook is a social networking site, not an online dating community. Although some of you seem to have a pretty severe misunderstanding about that.

The Creeper
The Creeper always is the first to comment on your photos of the previous night’s slumber party. He always knows your latest status update (he has them texted to his phone), and he's not afraid to ask you about them in person. He's always curious about your camping trip last weekend (he knows you went on it because he saw the album). He sends you messages and writes on your wall about how he hasn't seen you in a while, but you look like you're having fun.

Oh, and he also started texting you. He got your number from your profile.

The Complainer
The Complainer basically hates Facebook. Everything about it. The new design sucks, it's always slow, and you need to be able to customize profiles, why don't they make an app that does this?

Look, if you want a customizable profile, go back to MySpace. We don't want your glitter here. Facebook is clean and intuitive (and quiet ... Yes, you, who uploads music on your MySpace). Go design your own website if Facebook isn't good enough for you, but there's a very important fact you must remember: Facebook is free. And has far less obnoxious ads than MySpace or Xanga.

And, I just have to say this, no matter how many people you get to join a group, some magnificent thing will not happen. For instance, Facebook will not change the design back if you get 10 million people to join your group. They invested months into designing and programming it, and you think they're going to just throw it away? They'll try to upgrade it more to please you, but they will never go back to the old layout. And they will never support both layouts. That would be impractical, a nightmare to maintain, and downright stupid.

Why bother?
They're the opposite of The Attention Monger. They have nothing on their Facebook. They even have The Question Mark as their profile picture. They list maybe one or two interests, bands, and movies, and that's pretty much it.  Their About Me section is empty. They have no photo albums or notes, and they never update their status. They've never commented on a single photo or note since they registered. In fact, they only really got a Facebook because you forced them to. Because you're The Attention Monger and you wanted them to look at your profile. Nice work ...

That concludes the rather extensive list. Basically, if you're thinking you may be doing something wrong (or annoying) on Facebook, consult The Ten Commandments of Facebook before continuing. It will answer all of your questions if this list didn't.

Politicians and Elections

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-10-22T23:33:42-04:00

The days of honest politics are far behind us, unfortunately. Which is frustrating. Seems you can’t just find out what a candidate actually stands for these days, all you can find out is how horribly terrible of a candidate the other candidate is. And, trust me, he’s horrible. The things he did as a teen ...

So, what’s the deal with politicians literally just making up crap about their opponent? Well, according to a fairly unreliable source (Mom, don’t read that article), the first election who’s advertising campaign was built solely on tearing the opponent down was in 1800, in the election between Jefferson and Adams. Believe it or not, people actually debated about prevalent issues of society before the 1800 election. Crazy to think about, I know.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s rather fed up with misleading (and flat out lying) campaign ads. Look, I know you think my generation is stupid, and, quite honestly, my generation and the up-and-coming generation are probably the stupidest America has yet to see, but ... Give us a little credit. One campaign ad comes on, discrediting the candidates opponent, saying things about them that sound absolutely horrible ... How could you vote for such a person?! But wait, there’s more. The very next commercial you see is an ad for the opposing candidate, first addressing all the “lies” of the previous ad, and then telling you the real story ... Turns out the candidate you thought was so good was actually caught up in a dishonest canal scheme back in his prime. And you thought that only happened in Oscar Wilde plays.

So, who am I supposed to believe? You both flat out contradict each other. You both accuse the other of horrendous acts that I clearly wouldn’t support. But, according to the other one, these accusations are just completely made up. Apparently both parties are just making up crap about the other candidate ... Or so the other candidate claims. It’s a vicious circle.

Every once in a while a candidate may actually claim he stands for some political viewpoint. Ironically, this claim may change, depending on how the public reacts to their opponents claims, or what’s popular. But the vast majority of their campaign money is spent simply tearing the other candidate down.

Oh, also, when they finally do get around to telling you views/strategies, they won’t make any sense. Not because you’re too stupid to understand them, but because they’re actually too outlandish for anyone, President or not, to accomplish. Fact: The President doesn’t even have enough power to do 90% of what his campaign ads claim. (The percentage isn’t really a fact, but the rest of the statement is.)

I would like to see a 1796 election again, where candidates actually talked about pressing issues in society, told us what they stood for, and told us what they were planning (like, for real, not some ridiculous statement that sounds good but is impossible to perform) to do about current events that needed attention. Honestly, why is it Fox even has to hold the “Fact Check” (or whatever it’s called) after each debate to see which “facts” one candidate said about another that wasn’t actually true. Or, why the moderator at the Vice Presidential Debate even had to ask the question, “What have your candidates campaign ads promised the American public that they can’t actually deliver?” Honestly, what annoys me the most is that the next leader of our country, the man whom we should all revere, can’t even adequately or properly explain his own viewpoints, let alone accurately portray his opponents. Worse, he flat out lies about his opponent. And we want him running our country?

The annoying thing is, an honest election will never happen. Because we’re on a roll, in a vicious cycle, that probably can’t be broken without some law being passed. Something about slander or libel being illegal, I don’t know. So, I guess we’re doomed to never actually have an honest election again. And if a candidate even tried, there’s no way his opponent would honor that ... They would just rip him apart like the innocent pup he would be.

Using Apple Mail (Specifically) At Cedarville

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-10-17T01:17:41-04:00

Sorry, I know, this is the second blog post about mostly the same thing. But I’ve found a better way to do it, and it didn’t seem beneficial to simply erase my old blog post. But this one won’t include pictures, it’s just a general overview of what I think is a far more simplistic way to combine your Cedarville email address with your personal email address. I’ll use Apple Mail as the third-party client of choice this time. (I know, it’s not cross-platform like Thunderbird ... Deal.) You’ll also need a Gmail account.

If you already have a Gmail account, skip this step.
You’ll need to register for a Gmail account here. Under the Accounts tab of Settings in your Gmail account, you’ll need to import your other email account via POP3. (Instructions for your POP3 settings should be provided by your email service.)

Now, after you’ve got a Gmail account (or if you already had a Gmail account), you’ll need to import your Cedarville email account as an additional POP3 account to your Gmail Inbox. You can do this the same way listed above, using the following POP3 information for Cedarville’s mail server:

Username: myusername@cedarville.edu
Password: mypassword
Server: pop.cedarville.edu
Port: 110

I shouldn’t have to say this, but obviously you should put your own username and password in ... Not the above. For convenience sake, you can check “Leave a copy of retrieved message on the server” and “Label incoming messages: myusername@cedarville.edu”.

You now have all your email accounts in one place. However, it’s in a browser-based environment; you can only get to it when an internet connection is present. If you would like to retrieve it all through Apple Mail, all you need do is open Apple Mail and add an account. The newest version of Apple Mail knows instinctively how to setup a Gmail account, so all you’ll need to do is provide your Gmail username and password. The rest is done automatically.

Back in Gmail, if you want to be able to send mail from you Cedarville account through Gmail (only in browser mode ... Not from Apple Mail ... Sorry), you’ll need to add yet another server through Settings-->Accounts in Gmail. All you need do in this case is add your Cedarville email address as a “Send Mail As” account, check your Cedarville account, follow the link provided in that email, and voila, you can send email from your Cedarville account through your Gmail account.

And all this is free :).

There’s one more treat. In Apple Mail, your email will always be sent from Gmail, not Cedarville. There is a way to send mail from your Cedarville account the Apple Mail, but it’s kind of pointless. But guess what, you can get the GroupWise address book via LDAP into your Apple Addressbook. Here’s how:

In Apple Mail, go to Preferences. Click on the Composing tab. Click “Configure LDAP ...” Add a new LDAP server with the following information:

Name: Cedarville
Server: imap.cedarville.edu
Port: 389
Search Base: o=cedarnet1
Scope: Subtree

Now, when composing a message, you can start typing any name (you’ll need to wait a bit) and it will search the GroupWise address book and return any matches. It works pretty well :).

Enjoy.

Dave and Alex's Happy Fun-Time Blog

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-10-16T17:32:25-04:00

Dave and I decided to start a collaborative blog that’s probably more awesome than anything else you may be reading, so you should check it out.

Dave and Alex’s Happy Fun-Time Blog

Hey, Apple, Where's the Blu-Ray?

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-10-18T18:45:39-04:00

There’s a lot of commotion over Apple’s newest line of MacBooks, MacBook Pros, iMacs, Cinnema Displays, etc. But there’s something that seems severely lacking. Where are the Blu-Ray drives, Apple?

Sure, you gave us a Wireless n card. You gave us 39% more on our touchpad for the MacBook and the MacBook Pros, made of wear-resistant glass and added more advanced finger gestures. You gave us a Solid-State Hard Drive for over $1,000 less than it was in the initial MacBook Air (told you ...). You gave us a sleeker, even more aesthetically pleasing (and I thought that wasn’t possible ...) design for the casing. You gave us faster processors (we like that)! You gave us two graphics cards--one integrated for better battery life, one discrete for ultimate performance. You even somehow managed, among all these things, to squeeze in a bigger battery, boasting up to five hours of life!

But ... First let’s talk about ports. I’m pretty excited that you moved to a single standard for display ports. On the MacBook AND the MacBook Pro, you are given a Mini DisplayPort; no DV and Mini-DV depending on your laptop. Though, annoyingly, Mini DisplayPort, as you may notice, is Mini DP, not Mini DV, so it’s a standard we have to switch to before it’s universal. Why they ever thought that was a good idea, I’ll never know, since there’s no difference in performance. We now have a gigabit ethernet port ... Awesome! Quick question: Where did my FireWire port go on the regular MacBook? It’s ... gone.

Jobs has only responded with the statement, “Actually, all of the new HD camcorders of the past few years use USB 2.” I love Steve Jobs, but that doesn’t actually answer the question. And a significant number of camcorders still use FireWire, though he’s right when he says most new ones use USB, or at least allow for both. However, here’s the strangest part. Do you know who invented FireWire? FireWire is Apple’s IEEE 1394 connection, created in 1995 and implemented on the first Macs somewhere around 1997. Even more ironically, FireWire officially became part of the IEEE Std. in June, 2008. If you’ll notice, that wasn’t too long ago ... And all of a sudden, it’s parent has abandoned it and accepted the more universal standard of USB (which appropriately stands for Universal Serial Bus)? That doesn’t seem right.

Also, my external hard drive uses FireWire.

But, most significantly, what about Blu-Ray? That is, after all, why you’re reading this, right? Well, here’s what Jobs had to say about that. “Blu-Ray is just a bag of hurt. It’s great to watch the movies, but licensing of the tech is so complex, we’re waiting till things settle down and Blu-Ray takes off in the marketplace.” Read “licensing of the tech is so complex” as “it costs way too much money.” That’s really what he means.

For some reason I can’t understand, Apple went out on a limb and incorporated $1,700 SSD drives in the MacBook Air ... A drive that costs over five times as much for less than half the space of a normal Hard Drive. A price that would be ridiculous to pay, but Apple understood that if they didn’t incorporate it into the marketplace at an expensive price, it would never be able to come down in price. Strange that they aren’t willing to do the same for Blu-Ray. Also, Apple and Sony are chums. Incidentally, Sony owned HD-DVD ... Which was the competitor for Blu-Ray and lost because it was far inferior, though much priced much friendlier.

That’s really all the answer we have from the guys at Apple as to why Blu-Ray is lacking in this line. And, from the several people I’ve talked to on the subject, that was the only reason they were going to buy a new MacBook this year. Now they aren’t. Way to go, Apple.

As just a bit of encouragement, here’s a fun fact about Blu-Ray: It’s highly encrypted. Those of you who like to rip-’n-return, as we say, are going to be in for a surprise. Blu-Ray discs are encrypted, in fact, all the way to the monitor. (Can you say “paranoid”?) So, get this, in order for Apple to actually include Blu-Ray drives on their laptops, it’s not as simple as you ordering a Blu-Ray drive and doing surgery on your MacBook Pro; you would need a new display to decrypt the discs. Apple included the decrypting technology in the displays for their newest MacBooks, MacBook Pros, Cinnema Displays, and iMacs. Maybe in the next generation, then ...

How To: Use A Mail Client Besides GroupWise at Cedarville

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-10-02T20:01:13-04:00

Cedarville has this thing ... Novell GroupWise. I don't mind Novell, but it's not my favorite. It slows computers and networks down. The problem is, when you have a campus with thousands of comptuers on it, Novell is really the best way to go as far as Networking Utilities go.

That doesn't mean you have to use their email client, GroupWise, though. But Cedarville says we do. Ick. So, a few nights ago, I set out to find the servers that Cedarville stores emails, the address book, and calendar. There's good news and bad news: The good news is, I successfully figured out the email and address book. The bad news is, the calendar may be internal ... Which means you're forced to use GroupWise to view it. But at least you can use something other than GroupWise for your email now! The following instructions are for setting up Mozilla Thunderbird, because it's the most popular (and probably best) client that I've had people ask for. I'll write instructions for other clients in the future (hopefully once I figure out a work-around for the calendar), and I may post a link to the Help Page created for this on Cedarville's website after I finish it. But for now, here you go.

The beauty of Mozilla Thunderbird is it works on most any OS you're using (Windows, Mac, or Linux), and it allows for multiple accounts (I use it to combine my school and Gmail accounts), so organization is much better ... It's all in one application :)!

1.) Download and install Mozilla Thunderbird from this website.
2.) The first time you run Thunderbird, you will see this screen:
Note: If you already have a Thunderbird account setup, open Thunderbird, select Tools->Account Settings... (Edit->Account Settings... for Linux). Select "Add Account ..."
Select "Email account" and click "Next >".

3.) Enter your Full Name and full Email Address (include @cedarville.edu) in the boxes provided.

4.) Select "IMAP" and specify imap.cedarville.edu as the Incoming Server.
5.) Enter mail.cedarville.edu for the outgoing server.

6.) Enter your full email address for both the Incoming and Outgoing User Names (include @cedarville.edu).

7.) Enter your full email address as the Account Name (include @cedarville.edu).

8.) Click "Finish >".
9.) Enter your GroupWise password and select "Use Password Manager to remember passwords" if you want Thunderbird to remember your password.

10.) Click "Get Mail" to retrieve your account information (folders and stuff) from the server.

Your email account is set up! Now to add the GroupWise address book ...

1.) In Thunderbird, click "Address Book".
2.) Select File->New->LDAP Directory ...
3.) Enter "GroupWise" for the Name.
4.) Enter "imap.cedarville.edu for the Hostname.
5.) Enter "o=cedarnet" for the Base DN.
6.) Make sure the Port Number is set to "389".

Now your address book is set to sync to the LDAP server! If you want your Cedarville account to automatically look in that address book, do the following ...

1.) Select Tools->Account Settings... (Edit->Account Settings... for Linux).
2.) Under username@cedarville.edu, select "Composition & Addressing".
3.) Under Addressing, select "Use a different LDAP server:
4.) From the drop-down, select "GroupWise".

I'll let you guys know when I get the calendar thing figured out. If you're a Mozilla fan, Thunderbird doesn't have a calendar feature. You either use Mozilla Sunbird (specifically for calendars) or Mozilla SeaMonkey (which is an all-in-one suite). Obviously, if you don't use Mozilla products, you can use the above configuration settings for any client ... If you have any questions, let me know.

In High School and Visiting Cedarville? Read This First ...

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-09-26T15:09:18-04:00

Greetings, youngins, and welcome to our beautiful campus. We're glad you're visiting, and we'd love for you to choose Cedarville as your college destination in the years to come. But here's the deal: We all know when you're visiting. And, trust me, when you too become a student here and find yourself looking at all the guests, you'll see why it's blatently obvious that you don't go here. So, here are a few tips for you to follow while enjoying your stay at Cedarville. These will help you blend in with the students better and not stick out like an awkward, sore thumb. It will also help you not annoy us quite so much ...

Lose the folders:
When you arrive, Admissions will give you a white folder which contains all of the information concerning you stay. Lose it as soon as possible. (Freshman, this actually applies to you too.) If you absolutely must carry the stuff with you, run down to our bookstore and buy a red folder. Just so it's not a white Cedarville folder. Seriously, we look for those. But an even better idea is to conceal the folder inside a ...

Backpack:
You're on a college campus. We're all business here. We go to classes and even do homework occassionally. So, how do we carry all our stuff around with us all day? In a backpack! Just like you do in high school, actually. So bring it with you. It's a place to stuff that white folder away, and it also makes you look like you mean business too!

Get rid of the lanyard:
I think you're only given these on CU Friday's, so they aren't as common as the white folders. But they're farm more visible. Get rid of it as soon as your guide turns their back to you. Honestly, girls, you can't expect attention from college guys if you have that wrapped around your neck. And, obviously, that must be what you want based upon what you choose to wear. Which brings us to ...

Dress code:
We don't have it on Fridays. We incorporate a lovely thing called "Casual Dress." So don't come wearing khakis and a collared shirt or you'll stand out in chapel and in Chuck's. On the flip side, still at least attempt to not look like a skank. Wearing your outfit with the least amount of thread probably isn't a good idea for two reasons: Since you're obviously still wearing it and haven't received demerits yet, you must not be a student here, and RAs will stop you far too often, thus souring your impression of Cedarville. Avoid contact with RAs at all costs ... They might give you a sour impression of Cedarville as well.

Along these lines, did you get a free Cedarville t-shirt? Don’t wear it. We all know what they look like, and you won’t be the only one who thought, “Oh, hey, I should wear this today.”

Lose the parents:
We know you love them. I love mine. And they love you. Now that we've established we all love eachother, and we're comfortable with that fact, lose them. Next to the white folders and lanyards, parents are the next biggest flag that says, "Hey, I don't go here." Not simply because of the fact that their parents. Obviously, I'll gladly walk around campus with my parents when they come visit. And many of the professors here are parents anyway. But parents, when visiting a college, have a tendency to ask too many questions, point at things and speak loudly about them, and ask you questions like, "So, what do you think?" "Do you want to go here?" "Chuck's was really good!" If you were a student, not a visitor, your parents would have heard from you that Chuck's, in fact, was not "really good" and they would not make the mistake of saying it quite so loud.

Still on the subject of parents, they slow you down immensley. When touring a campus, you really need to get away and explore for yourself. You're going to be here for four years, sans parents. You don't need them to help you on a tour. Additionally, when you're in the afformentioned Chuck's, your parents will slow you down in line. They'll try to talk to you about the day, the food, what you think of the college, and they'll forget that the line is supposed to be moving forward. Then it doesn't. Then you have plenty of angry Cedarville students in the line behind you, annoyed that you're here. And, honestly, we don't want to be annoyed that you're here! We want to like you! But when you make our life more difficult ... And it takes five times as long simply to get our food ...

Don't follow the tour guide:
A tour. Ah, someone walking backwards on the sidewalk in front of a group of fifteen people with white folders is predominantly the most obvious way to target visitors. Honestly, do you really want to know that ENS was built in 1992? Or that the SSC holds Chuck's (our cafeteria), the post office, the bookstore, The Hive (our campus restaraunt), Veccinos (mmm ... coffee), and the game room? Or that Milner is predominantly known as the Business Building? You'll figure all of that out on your own ...

Give yourself a self-guided tour with a couple of the friends you brought with you visit. You'll get to know all of the buildings better than you ever wanted to once you start having classes in them. Anyway, you'll probably get another "official" the first week of your Freshman year ... But you should skip that one too. Now, when you and your friends are giving yourselves a self-guided tour, be especially careful to ...

Know what you're doing:
Once you pull out that white piece of paper that has your schedule, a map of the campus, or a list of available classes you can sit in on on it, you're dead. If you absolutely have to look at that thing, go hide in a bathroom stall. It's a dead giveaway. Before taking your self-guided tour, find a corner somewhere to hide with your friends and look at the campus map. Memorize it before you arrive on campus (there’s a map at cedarville.edu), even write some information down on a sticky note if you absolutely need to. Anything so that you know what you're doing and where you're going.

There's a problem with that. How are you supposed to know what you're doing on a campus you've never even been to before? Answer: You're not. It's this fantastic this called "acting." Further explained in “Don’t draw undue attention to yourself.”

Don’t sit in your reserved section:
You have a reserved section in Chuck’s ... Don’t sit there. Could you be more obvious?

Don’t use the computer labs:
You can’t log on to the computers; you don’t have access. Walking in before realizing this will only make you stand out to the entire lab.

Don’t draw undue attention to yourself:
This sort of goes with “Know what you’re doing,” but I need to elaborate more. When you’re walking around campus, whether it’s giving yourself a tour or trying to visit a class, know where you’re going. Even if you don’t, you do. If you suddenly realize you’re lost, don’t stop in the middle of the sidewalk, look at the buildings, and say, “Wait, I think Apple’s over there ...” This is really only acceptable the first week of school, and, anyway, it would identify you as a Freshman even then, which is equally bad. If you realize your lost, just keep walking. If you make a full loop around the lake, who cares. Chances are nobody’s actually followed you that long, so they won’t realize you’re lost.

If you do get lost, don’t come to a class late. Not only is that annoying (I’m talking to YOU, students) for everyone who arrived on time (and for the professor), it makes you stand out. Then you go sit in the back. Everyone in class knows you don’t belong there. Oh, and don’t bring your parents to class with you.

When walking, be sure not to look around awkwardly, gawking at all the new attractions. Look ahead, or slightly down, and look up occasionally to nod at people you don’t know. It will make you look like you fit in.

Your cell phone is not your friend. Don’t pull it out to see if someone texted you, or to pretend your on the phone. We can tell you’re faking it and just trying to look cool.

I think that’s about it. Follow these guidelines and you’re off to a fantastic visit at Cedarville. Also, many of these tips can be applied to Freshman as well. Please understand, we students don’t hate you. Obviously, it’s awesome that Cedarville continues to grow so rapidly. But you must realize we break the bank every year to pay our tuition ... And we live here. You’re coming onto our turf. On the flip side, I’d love to have a CU Friday this year that hits, say, 750 visitors ... Then, maybe, they will see how horribly crowded our cafeteria is and how much our school has grown and they’ll build us another new one!

Browser Reviews

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-09-25T19:28:52-04:00

After Al Gore invented the internet for us, we realized we needed a way to walk around the thousands upon thousands (and now billions upon billions) of sites that were out there. Meet the browser. To the best of my knowledge, Al Gore has never claimed part in inventing the browser, but I wouldn’t put it past him.

Just for fun, and before we start to really rip apart the benchmarks of Google Chrome, let's look at some old, failed browsers so we can scoff at them (by order of appearance).

WorldWideWeb (1991-1994) - I actually can't call this pioneer a failure. After all, it was the world's first web browser. By the way, it was only released for NeXTSTEP OS. The operating system created by NeXT Computer, a company that was founded by none other than Steve Jobs. The NeXTSTEP OS was quite literally the parent of Mac OS X, and it was also the very first object-oriented and multi-task-ready operating system. (Boy, it's amazing what that Steve Jobs can do ...) However, in 1993 the developers released the source code, thus making the program freeware and allowing for the development of it's children, ViolaWWW, MidasWWW, MacWWW, and their big brother Mosaic.

Netscape Navigator (1994-2007) - Mosaic/Netscape rose to power and popularity much faster than Internet Explorer did, and since it was owned by Netscape Communications, a succesfull company that was pivotal in getting internet readily accessible in every home, the browser had plenty of funding. However, Microsoft was simply a bigger, more powerful company, and the beneficial wars between Netscape Navigator and Internet Explorer were eventually won by Internet Explorer. While Netscape failed miserably by allowing their poorly coded browser to get disgustingly bloated with features, their ultimate failure was in 1999 when they allowed America Online to buy then. Who cares if they offered you ten billion dollars! Immedietly following Netscape's acquisition by AOL, they lost over 30% of their market share in less than one year.

HotJava (1994-1999) - A very customizable, extensible browser that was built around Java in order to easily execute Applets. The ingenuity of HotJava is that it's a browser coded entirely in Java, thus making it extremely portable. The downside to HotJava is that it's coded entirely in Java, thus limiting it to the JRE and leaving it a fairly slow memory hog, and with the presence of Java so readily incorporated into more recent browsers and the growing popularity of Macromedia's Flash, the project was terminated.

Internet Explorer (1995-Present) - It doesn't need much introduction or explanation. But Internet Explorer has always been interested in integrating (not outsourcing to extensions) functionality at the expense of ease-of-use, security, and speed. And, let's be honest, it's Microsoft ... Therefore, a failure.

OmniWeb (1995-Present) - Wouldn't you know it, it's another NeXTSTEP OS browser! That being the case, it graduated, along with it's OS, to Mac OS X, and that is where it resides today. Unfortunately, this is a limit for it. While it was a good browser in the area of speed, and very minimalistic, it lacked key functionality and compatibility with some of the most recent web innovations, so it falls short.

Internet Explorer for Mac (1996-2005) - Wow. It was simply horrible. Probably the worst maintained browser of all time. It went through three updates in one year, went silent for three years, released it's fourth update in 2000, then was untouched until it's termination in 2005. It was incompatible, buggy, crashed more than anything, and incredibly slow!

Opera (1996-Present) - I've always felt that Opera failed when it came to honesty in advertising. They used to claim to be the “fastest browser” ever made. Well, they’ve since revoked that claim ... It claims it’s “faster” on their website now. Faster than what? I’m not sure, because until the most recent release (9.5) I’ve never been pleased with the speed of the browser. Though, even with 9.5, I still think Firefox is faster, and you can’t argue with the speed I get from Safari. Around version 7, Opera bloated the browser beyond belief, thus slowing it to a crawl. They’ve since revamped the interface and it the newest release it’s actually quite efficient. However, compatibility has always been an issue with it.

Gzilla (1997-1999) - The developer was last heard from on August 16, 1999, pleading for help on his very own site. Apparently he could get his browser to compile on anything other than Linux/x86, so he was begging for outside help. It's rumored the browser emerged a few months later as as Dillo, but that's just probably not true. I'm guessing Mozilla felt threatened by the last five letters of his browser's name, so they took him out.

MyIE/Maxthon (2000-Present) - Maxthon’s clincher is that it’s extremely customizable. It advertises itself as an adaptable alternative to Internet Explorer. The negative clincher is it’s only for Windows. On top of that, it crashes too frequently. It’s not slow, but reliability is a big factor when writing a browser, and if your browser crashes on me too often, I’m not going to use it.

Firefox (2002-Present) - The most successful browser to incorporate extensions. Since Netscape completely fell of the face of the planet somewhere around 2003, Firefox has been the most used cross-platform web browser. It boasts speed, elegance, and integrated functionality. Even better, you can add basically any functionality you desire through extensions; this is what has made Firefox so well known. Unfortunately, Firefox loses a lot of security when they allow third-party extensions. More than that, extensions are impossible for the creators of Firefox to maintain, so when the browser is updated, there’s always the risk (and it very frequently happens) of losing compatibility with extensions. Not very convenient for the extension programmers or their users.

AOL Explorer (2005-Present?) - It’s AOL ... We already know why it fails: Overpriced, slow, inefficient, and unstable. Apparently the browser is still around, but it’s now a part of the AIM package.

Flock (2005-Present) - Flock’s biggest asset is that it’s multi-platform. On top of that, much like Maxthon, it boasts customizability! It integrates beautifully with many popular websites, including Facebook, iGoogle, Flickr, Digg, Twitter, etc. On top of that, it does allow extensions. It has a main page that keeps all of your favorites and information organized and easily accessible. Unfortunately, it still is rather buggy, and speed is also a bit of an issue with it. It enjoys freezing on it’s users.

Now, read my review of Google Chrome!

"Um, I'm An RA ..."

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-09-02T21:11:28-04:00

While we understand impersonating an RA is a demeritable offense here at Cedarville University (dishonesty), it’s rather tempting. After all, how hard can it really be? My roommate and I have established that, in order to portray yourself as an RA, all you really have to do is awkwardly introduce yourself to a stranger in the following manner:

“Um, I’m an RA ...” And continue on stating the demerit worthy offense being committed.

So, here’s my question to you. What’s wrong with you? It should really be the Engineers and Computer Science majors that have difficulty establishing friendships and socializing with people at a normal level, but it appears as though the RAs are the most socially awkward people on this campus. Generally speaking, when I feel the urge to introduce myself to a stranger sleeping in front of me in chapel, someone who just blurted the f-bomb in the hall, or a girl in a hauntingly low shirt, I extend the hand of friendship and start with something like, “Hi, my name is Alex.”

Where I’m from, the proper, polite way to introduce yourself to a stranger is with your name, not your job description. You don’t see me walking up to people and saying, “Hi, I attend Cedarville University,” or, “Hi, I’m a Lab Assistant.” Say I’m in a situation where someone needs to know my title. For instance, I’m in the lab and someone is struggling. Here’s how I would construct my introductory sentence: “Hi, my name is Alex, and I’m a Lab Assistant here. May I help you?” See? I first establish my name before constructing the remainder of my identity for you. We don’t want to let the entire cat out of the bag all at once.

Honestly, RAs would be so much more amicable if they would make an effort to get to know us before demeriting us. I believe I speak for the whole when I say it’s hard for me to respect someone who’s completely rude to me. After all, in confronting me, you’re asking for my respect. And, since I am another human being of the same age (if not older) as yourself, it would make sense that you too would show me a bit of respect.

On top of that, RAs need to seriously understand where their jurisdiction begins and ends--the school and the Handbook. (Also, the sooner you get off your power trip, the better.) You aren’t asked to enforce local law, and you aren’t asked to elaborate on the Handbook. Meaning, if it doesn’t specifically state something in the Handbook, you don’t need to make up a rule for it simply because you’re uncomfortable. Before awkwardly stepping forward and announcing to the crowd, “Um, I’m an RA ...” think to yourself: is anyone getting hurt? Is school property actually being damaged? Are moral laws being broken? If the answer to all of these questions is “no” and it’s just your own personal preferences and/or convictions being disrupted, you need to keep silent. (Unless you want to be part of a hazing ...)

Notice I didn’t actually mention anything about the Handbook. See, it’s more a set of guidelines, and this is understood by the entire student body and administration. Please understand that, yes, technically speaking, guys aren’t allowed to wear pony tails or nail polish and, technically speaking, no one is allowed to wear any form of denim (blue, black, green, or otherwise) according to the Student Handbook. But does anyone enforce this? Should anyone enforce this like a nazi? No. Actually, Dr. Brown poked fun at this fact last year in chapel, pointing out the ironic fact that our RAs let people get away with wearing green jeans but not blue jeans, even though both would technically be prohibited by the handbook. Heck, Dr. Brown’s favorite movie is V for Vendetta, an R-rated movie that is not on our list of approved movies.

Last night, Caitlin, Dave, and I were on the way back from the Labor Day fireworks when, out of the darkness, several water balloons splashed on the sidewalk ahead of us. A few more hit the people walking near us. We veered slightly off the sidewalk in order to avoid the water balloons, but we were walking in a large clump of other people (and we didn’t know them). We were also not even close to school property. The water balloons were coming from behind a wooden fence that enclosed someone’s house. Turns out there was an RA in the group ahead of us who was not happy with the water balloon throwing (do I even need to mention that it was a girl?). “Should I go back and talk to them?” She asked the other members of her group. They encouraged her to do so, so she turned around and stated, “Yah, I’m gonna go talk to them.” Dave and I (rather loudly) retorted our complaints on the matter, announcing that she should just leave the pedestrians alone. That, my friend, is just ridiculous. A water balloon? In downtown Cedarville, off campus? Thrown by a shadowed figure behind a white fence enclosing private property? That’s none of your business.

RAs need to understand that their job is exactly what our RD told us; to protect us, not to make enemies of us. Turns out you’re actually students here too. Yes, above us to protect us, but you don’t need to remind us of that fact unless circumstances require it.

Just to clear things up, I haven’t gotten any demerits recently, I’ve just been observing this, and the incident last night especially annoyed me. I don’t have a problem being rebuked for an immature action when it’s done in love or actual concern for my well-being. But when it’s done simply because you realize, “Hey, I have power over this situation, and that person is annoying me,” that’s where it just gets unnecessary and annoying. You could attempt to actually make an effort to introduce yourself before smacking us with “Um, I’m an RA ...” We don’t bite. No need to be afraid. And, honestly, it’s the job you signed up for. The job to protect us. Not the job to reprimand us.

Chrome ... A New Way to Look at Browsing

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-09-25T20:39:23-04:00

Healthy competition is good. But if all the companies competing aren't on an equal playing field, one company will be dwarfed and squeezed out of the race fairly rapidly. That is what the three-year-old, California-based company was afraid of in 2001 when the concept of a building their own browser first emerged; they weren't big enough yet.

Now, in 2008, Google employs nearly 20,000 people, has a net income of over four billion dollars annually, and has the most widely used, well known search enginge in the world. Heck, they have their own verb! They're finally ready to compete in a battle that matters and is grossly overlooked. The battle of the browsers.

On September 2nd, 2008, Google released it's beta browser, Google Chrome.

So, why do we need another battle of the browsers? Didn't we finally settle down and decide Firefox was simply the best browser there ever was or ever will be? Simple answer: No. Firefox leaves a lot to be desired, and we certainly can’t be expected to rely on Internet Explorer or Safari for our browsing needs. Before reading what I love about Google Chrome and why it could be the solution to all our browser woes, first read my critique of old, failed browsers.

For the last too-many-years, Internet Explorer and Firefox have been battling it out, trying to keep their users. The problem is, both browsers lack something significant. They’re entering the browser race from the wrong perspective. Internet Explorer only recently allows extensions, and they’re very limited. Firefox allows extensions to run rampant, but even worse it relies on them for all of its functionality. What we need is a browser that relies on the website itself for the functionality. And how about some old-fashioned simplicity? Apple knows where that’s at ... So does Google.

When we need a map (Google Maps), have a question relating to anything in the world (Google Search), need to check our email (Gmail), write a blog (Blogger), watch a video (YouTube/Google Videos), or check the latest headlines (Google News), Google is our ultimate destination. So, if one company understands the internet, how to search it, and how to manage it so well, why don’t we allow them to design our browser, which will peruse the internet they allow us to search. They know what we need.

Google Chrome boasts privacy. Though many are up-in-arms about the agreement you’re forced to agree to before downloading the software, you must realize it’s in beta ... Of course they’re going to analyze your browsing for testing purposes. That doesn’t mean they’re selling it to Russia. Google Chrome allows you to search and edit your browsing history. Not only that, there’s a “silent mode” which allows you to browse privately without leaving a trace on the site or the computer.

Google Chrome will soon be multi-platform. The Mac and Linux versions are in currently being developed. After all, if Google Chrome is really going to try to compete with Firefox, they simply must be cross-platform. Additionally, Google Chrome is open source currently, as it is in beta, which leaves it open to innovation from nerds all over the world. Luckily, we have our friends at Google monitoring this to make sure nobody bloats it; only the useful stuff will be added into later releases.

Google Chrome provides a simple, elegant interface that just makes sense. “Intuitive” comes to mind ... makes me think of Mac, for some reason. Searching Google, typing an address, and searching your history are all combined into the one bar at the top of the browser. Of course, there is tabbed browsing, and new tabs can display a list (images included) of your most visited websites. Drag the tab away from the menu bar and make it a new window easily.

Google Chrome is reliable. Tabbed browsing is great, but, let’s face it, something’s going to make you crash someday ... Luckily, Google Chrome looks at each individual tab as its own instance of the browser, and if once freezes, it won’t crash the entire browser.

Google Chrome is fast. Really fast. Some folks bothered running these fancy things called “benchmarks” on the browser and, who knows how, determined that Internet Explorer is still faster. Yah, they’re wrong. There’s no way that’s true. Run your benchmarks all day long, people, but no matter what algorithms your benchmarks run to determine performance speeds, they can’t argue with the fact that I can sit here and visibly see a difference. If I can visibly see a difference, your benchmarks are wrong. Do them again. Not only do pages load faster and tabs open instantaneously, the browser launches without a hiccup as well, largely in part to it’s very small footprint.

Google Chrome comes JavaScript ready, enhancing sites that use Java and allowing them to load faster. Included in this functionality is the ability to create shortcuts to web-based applications straight on your desktop. For instance, Google Docs (or Zoho Docs, if you’re not a fan of Google Docs), Gmail, your blog ... Create direct links to them straight on your desktop, and have them open quickly in their own little Google Chrome window, just like an application. In fact, this was the main concept which Google Chrome is built around.

A lot of the flack I’ve heard about Google Chrome is, in fact, it’s simple design. People seem to think that because it’s so simplistic, it can’t do anything. Apparently that’s the culture we’ve been drowned in. Look, something doesn’t always have to be flashing in your face, offering you things to click on, for it to be good. You should control the your computer and it’s programs, the computer and it’s software should not control you.

What I’m most comfortable with is simply the fact that this browser was developed by Google, a company I’ve come to rely on and trust for my web browsing. As it develops and comes out of beta, I don’t think they’ll allow it to bloat. It will continually be developed around internet-based applications and support for them.

I only have one more pressing question that will need to be answered in the coming months: What will the next Firefox browser look like?

Kilz

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-07-10T13:09:19-04:00

We had to paint the ceiling of cabin Esther yesterday for reasons I shan’t go into since they make little sense to me. Rachel, Jesse, and I went up there after lunch to paint for about an hour. Of course, boredom set in quickly since all we were doing was moving our arms back and forth, so Rachel and I put face paint under our eyes. Yes, the paint we were using for the ceiling.

Another while went by and Rachel said, “Hey, let’s paint our faces like Ben!” She said she would do it if I did it, so I came over to the bunk she was sitting on and let her decorate my face. Then it was her turn. So I decorated her face. Then Jesse was up, so Rachel painted a uni-brown and beard onto him.

“Wouldn’t it be funny if this wasn’t actually latex paint?” inquired Rachel.

Jesse assured us it was, and, in fact, it said Kilz Latex right on the side of the can. Even still, it would have been funny. Being latex paint, Rachel and I left ours on for the rest of the afternoon, thinking we could just wash it right off. Jesse chickened out and washed his off after a short while.

After Dinner I decided it was shower time. I figured a washcloth and warm water would take my latex paint right off. After all, it wasn’t oil-based ... Rachel and I got oil based paint on ourselves a few weeks ago, and it was definitely attached to us for at least a week. That stuff does not come out. What we didn’t expect was that, though the paint was latex, it was Kilz interior/exterior professional grade paint. Meaning it’s obviously weather resistant and very strong.

The joke ended up being on me. It took me for 45 minutes to get the paint off my face, and I’m quite sure I took off at least one, if not more, layer of skin. And I made my face bleed. Luckily, I took a shower directly after this to clean myself up. My face still slightly hurts, but the good news is I got it all off!

Lesson to be learned: Don’t put exterior paint on yourself intentionally; it’s tough stuff! Jesse’s so smart ...

I "Raced" A Van

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-07-05T23:22:15-04:00

Today I had to run to Wal-Mart for, well, Sparkling Grape Juice. It was absolutely necessary, trust me. That stuff is addictive. I was in my van, of course, because it’s the only vehicle to be seen in. Of course, I had the tunes cranked and I was in my own little world. (I may or may not have been car dancing ...)

I pulled a stop light and white van pulled up beside me. As I reached to chain the radio station, I heard the other van rev it’s engine, and I saw out of the corner of my eye the passenger roll down his window and shout at me. I rolled down my window as well; I’m always up for a short car-to-car-chat.

“Hey, man, nice van you got there!” I sensed a bit of sarcasm, so I decided to return the gesture.
“Aw, you’re just jealous of my rims.” The driver leaned forward, grinned like an idiot, and layed his foot down on the gas one more time.
“Wanna go?” They questioned. It was at this point I had the severe craving to do something I’ve always dreamt of.
“I don’t think you wanna touch this,” I teased as I pushed down on the gas to let my ’02 Town and Country purr. The passenger and his driver looked at each other and laughed giddily. It was at this point I realized there were several passengers in the back of the van, all bouncing up and down as well. These were all obviously college students, like myself.

I rolled up the window and nodded at my new amigos. We both stared intently at the light. It snapped green and the world seemed to slow ... I could see everyone in the car to my left throw their hands in the air and scream at the driver, urging him on in the race! I heard their car rev up and start to move forward. At the same time, I slammed down (not literally, Mom, don’t worry) on the accelerator in my Chrysler.

But there was one difference between his van and mine. Mine was in park. Intentionally. The white van shot ahead (as only mini-vans can do) as my engine whined and I sat still. Seconds later I saw break lights from the white mini-van. I pulled the gear shift down into drive and started easing foward towards Wal-Mart. The other van slowed enough for me to easily catch them, and their window was down again, all arms in the car flailing wildly, mouths hurling insults at me (most of them too colorful for me to actually want to listen). I left my window up and only smiled as I passed them.

There’s hardly a better feeling than that when you’re in a vehicle. Unless, of course, you’re actually in a car with power ... in that case, racing and winning would be a far better feeling.

There's A Dead Man In My Front Yard

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-07-05T22:51:21-04:00

It’s true; I’m not even joking. There literally is a dead man in my front yard. It’s the strangest thing.

It all started a few weeks ago when he started emerging from the ground. His head was above ground just enough for it ot make a ruccus when we mowed. It was alright for a while, but Dad got a bit fed up. The dead man kept rising further and further out of the ground, thus giving a harder blow to our fine mower. Not to mention the dead man ... But he’s dead, so what does he care?

This weekend Dad decided to take action. We went over to Randy’s (my neighbor) to borrow an extension cord, ran the line clear from the house to my front yard, and took a hand saw with us. We dug up around the dead man and pulled him as far up as we could. Then Dad started to saw off his head, which ended up being a bit more difficult than we had originally anticipated; the saw kept kicking back, very nearly slicing my and/or Dad’s finger off. Finally, the head just fell off. We shoved the remainder of the body as far into the ground as we could and put dirt back over it. I don’t think it will push it’s way back through the dirt and hit the mower blade again ... At least, I hope not.

I’m not sure if our front yard was an old cemetary and my house was the church or what, but it’s a bit awkward having a dead man rising out of your own front yard.

For those of you who are completely confused and have believed this post, a “dead man” is an metal achor for a power pole to give back pressure so the pole isn’t pulled over by the power cables tension. Probably there used to be power lines running through my front yard.

To: Mr. FedEx Man

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-06-29T10:41:25-04:00

I ordered a new iPod. Which, normally, would be the most significant aspect of this blog post. Alas, it is not. The more exciting story is how it got here.

I ordered the iPod, with a case, on Tuesday. They informed me the items would be shipped separately depending on availability, which was fine by me. I got a shipment confirmation email later that night saying the case had been shipped from Memphis, TN. I checked my email the next morning to find a second shipment confirmation saying my iPod had been shipped from Shanghai CN. In my naivity, I assumed this was Connecticut, which I now realize is CT. At this same time, my case was leaving Memphis, TN.

I checked later that night and found my iPod case had successfully made it to Chicago. My case, on the other hand, was in Anchorage, AK. If AK was Arkansas, this would be closer than Connecticut, but AK is Alaska ... this was when I realized my iPod was coming from China, not Connecticut. In which case Alaska was progress.

I checked my email yet again on Thursday morning to find, to my great surprise, that my iPod was “at the local FedEx facility” in Cedar Rapids already! Apparently overnight it had gone from Alaska, to Indianapolis, to Cedar Rapids. One thing I found ironic was that it didn’t get an International Shipment Release until it went from Alaska to Indianapolis ... does that mean Alaska isn’t a part of the US according to FedEx? Anyway, back to my case ... it was still in Chicago for some reason. It hung out there for a while until it was finally shipped to Ottumwa, IA and loaded on a truck for delivery.

I was pretty excited; two days later and both my packages were going to arrive on the same day. Now if I could only get my paws on them before anyone else did and made me sing for them ... :P. (In case you don’t know, if you receive a package or three letters int he same day at the camp I work at, you have to sing or tell a joke in chapel for it.)

Ben, Jesse, and I were in the shop working on ... *cough* ... something. And we saw Mr. FedEx man pull in. Though, strangely, he didn’t come all the way to camp. He stopped at the house at the front of the lane. That’s Ben’s house. Definitely not 1433 F52 Trail, which is the shipping address I specified. Ben’s house is 1426, I think. The camp is 1433. This is clearly marked with numbers on Ben’s house. Even still, Mr. FedEx man insisted on delivering to the wrong location. I jumped into the truck and drove down the lane to snatch my package from the delusioned delivery men.

I got to Ben’s house just as they were about to pull out of the driveway and leave. “I have a package here for Alex,” said Mr. FedEx man after I waved him down. “I think you’re supposed to be delivering this to 1433, which is just down the lane from here.” He looked at me for a little while, unsure of what to say, and finally said, “Are you Alex?” I took his electronic thingy and put my John Hancock on it. I traded him his electronic thingy for my package and double-checked to make sure the delivery address was, in fact, 1433. It was. Shame on you FedEx.

Sadly, this package was just the case. The iPod itself was coming on some bigger and better truck, all the way from China! I figured it would come later in the afternoon, and I knew Joy was in the office to sign for it, so I felt safe taking a nap at 2:30.

I awoke from my nap at 4:30 and wandered dizzily over to the chapel to see if my package had come. “Not yet,” Joy informed me. I sat down at the computer to look at my tracking number. To my frustration, it said, “Delivery exception: Customer not available or business closed - signature required.” 4:24. Sarah came back from her house at this time, holding up one of those door hanger things they leave if you’re not home. They had just been there and delivered to the wrong place again!!

Needless to say, I was frustrated ... two seperate FedEx men tried to deliver my packages to the wrong address. What if that house hadn’t been Ben’s house? Someone else might be holding my iPod right now! Joy called FedEx Customer Service immedietly and tried to get the truck to turn around, but the lady on the phone was rather rude and mostly just wanted to get Joy off the phone, so the call was to no avail.

To redeem the second FedEx man, he came back on Friday while Joy, Jesse and I were sitting in the office, this time he came all the way to the camp and delivered my package. At least I have both of my packages now. Still, something about these deliveries seems very unprofessional ... if you pulled up to a house that was in the driveway to a camp and the owner wasn’t home, wouldn’t your first thought be, “I’ll bet he’s at the camp ...” No. Your first thought probably should have been to look at the house number :p.

Bug Problems? Solution!

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-06-25T20:53:18-04:00

We all have to share the world with them; bugs. Those nasty, annoying, flying creatures that oh-so-love to munch behind your ears and up your nose. They have numorous advantages over us. First of all, and most obviously, they can fly! Secondly, they’re so tiny, they’re difficult to whack and kill. Thirdly, they can easily land on you and bite you before you even realize it, thus causing a scratchy bump. Finally, they generally fly in swarms, which just adds to the frustration of those of us who don’t want to be eaten alive.

I hate gnats. I try to remember that they’re creations of God just like frogs, pandas, and me, but they still bother me.

Today, Ben and I were digging up border of the playground at camp in order to put new boards in for holding the mulch. We also added some tile so the water would drain down the hill without carrying most of the mulch with it after a hard rain :P. The gnats have been terrible at camp lately (and that’s a severe understatement) due to the exceptionally wet ground. In case you’ve been living in a hole for the last month, Iowa has gotten way too much rain lately. That gnats enjoy this. Ben and I didn’t. We were their meal.

I was trying to be as manly as possible, but I failed miserably. When you have twenty gnats feeding on you at one time it’s nearly impossible to not scream like a Junior High girl. Ben was too, which made me feel a little better. It struck fear in my heart to actually see the swarm of gnats around Ben’s head.

Then there was Krista. For relief, Ben and I retreated (running and screaming) into the kitchen to construct a new plan of attack towards the gnats. It’s difficult to get any work done when you’re being eaten alive. “Do you want to try some vanilla extract?” inquired Krista. At this point, Ben and I were desperate enough to try anything. I felt a bit strange taking a wash cloth and rubbing vanilla all over myself, but it definitely did smell better than bug spray. We rubbed it all over our arms, neck, face, and, for good measure, I put some under my shirt on my stomach and back.

We each took deep breathes and headed back into the battle zone. But a strange thing happened. Not a single gnat touched us! The swarm of gnats around Ben’s head? Gone! The gnats didn’t even think about coming near us, let alone landing on us. Jesse came out after drumming to help us finish up, and we immedietly sent him to the kitchen to bathe in vanilla.

Even though bugspray is cheaper than vanilla extract (by only a few dollars), vanilla extract works significantly better ... and it also makes you smell pretty. We decided to put some into a spritz bottle for regular use. Krista potentially saved our life, and we’re forever endebted to her.

The Happening

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-06-15T18:07:46-04:00

*** SPOILER WARNING ***

M. Night Shyamalan's first R-rated movie?! Oy vey. Could you not think of a better way to market this, Shyamalan? The trailers were good until the most recent one was released with the narrator saying, "The director who brought you The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable now brings you his first R-rated movie." Really? Do I cared what the movie is rated? Convince me to go see it some other way ...

However, the trailers did convince me to go see it. I enjoy Shyamalan's movies and the twists he chooses to put in them, so I thought I would give this one a try too. If you haven't seen the a preview for the movie and don't at least know the synopsis, click here or here. Then again, if you haven't seen a the movie or even a preview, why are you reading my blog post that starts with "SPOILER WARNING?"

The Happening stars Elliot (Mark Wahlberg) and Alma (Zooey Deschanel) Moore in a Horror/Thiller/Drama movie in which an event seems to be killing people in the Northeast of the United States. Initial thoughts are that the virus was released (airborne) by terrorists, but it is later understood (and even given away in the trailer) than it is a natural virus. It seems to start in city parks and then spread from there, taking smaller and smaller populations as it goes. The first stages of the virus cause you to lose speech and simple motor skills. The second stage causes you to become disoriented, and the third stage causes you to kill yourself. Though all three stages happen within a few moments of each other. Elliot and Alma along with their best friends daughter, Jess, are on the run, trying to escape the virus' fatal spread. Unfortunately, everywhere they try to run to seems to be the next place the virus breaks out.

The movie is rated R for violent and disturbing images. Which, for a movie about people killing themselves, you would think that would make sense. However, the people I went with and myself can't seem to figure out where the disturbing images were. The movie wasn't too graphic; it mostly left the goriest details up the to viewer's imagination, as any good director will. (Yah, sorry Quentin Tarantino.) There was no language, and no inappropriate sexual material of any kind to help warrant an R-rating. I don't work for the MPAA, but according to their lousy standards, I'd say the movie should be PG-13. Maybe they're trying to make up for all the movies they accidently rated PG-13 that should have been rated R.

In and of itself, the movie was alright. However, when you bring it into perspective and realize that M. Night Shyamalan was the writer and directed, it becomes far more disappointing. For one thing, there was no twist! (There may have been a twist, which I will discuss in a moment, but it's a far stretch.) This is going to be a huge turn off for Shyamalan fans. However, far more painfully, the dialog was a lot of terribly cheesy one-liners, usually coming from Mark Wahlberg's mouth. When you understand the movie is a Sci-Fi Thriller, it could be an entertaining watch without the horrid scripting.

One theory my friends and I came up with is that the movie may have been an attempt by Shyamalan to lessen to Earth's population. Since it was a movie about killing yourself, and we were all feeling horribly depressed about spending $6.50 and wasting an hour and a half of our time on it.

On a brighter note, the movie did have excellent sound mixing and creative camera shots, which Shyamalan has always been good at. I would certainly sit down and watch the movie again simply for the fact that it was well directed on the video/audio side. It's just a shame it missed the mark completely when it went through scripting. If you're into that sort of thing, watch the movie for those elements. In fact, I'd recommend the movie because it is a good movie with a shallow script. However, since the majority of people care more about the overall plot more than the audio/video aspect of the movie, I'll critique that.

Within the first few minutes of the movie my friends and I placed it was most likely going to be an environmentalist movie. It was. The "twist," if you want to call it that, may have been that we need to think carefully before infecting the Earth's plants with our pollution. They might get mad at us for it and try to kill us.

If you stretch your mind a lot, you may realize that the character Alma Moore's name is the Spanish word for "soul." Though a bit far fetched (a bit?), it may be more comforting to think that Shyamalan's twist was that everyone in the movie had lost their soul (the ability for their heart and mind to reason with each other). That the virus never really existed at all, and that the entire epidemic was psychological. At the beginning of the movie, people start killing themselves due to the alleged virus. It is then broadcast over nationwide news that a virus seems to be infecting victims in parks. They describe the initial signs and say the final stage is that you kill yourself. People freak out and begin to believe what they're hearing, then they start to believe they to are getting the virus. People love to believe what they here, even if it is detrimental to their health. (War of the Worlds, anyone?) This is simply one theory, and there are no reports that Shyamalan intended for this. More than likely he meant to have no twist at all.

I liked Filmcritic.com's comment on the movie saying, "Instead of scares [...] we get unintentional laughs. Instead of though provoking sci-fi speculation, we get the Alan Tichmarsh version of Armageddon." All too true. The parts of the movie which seemingly were planned to be the scariest end up being the parts where the majority of the theater was trying not to chuckle.

Though the movie was significantly better than Shyamalan's last ditch effort, Lady in the Water, and actually had a plot, unlike Cloverfield, he falls short of his reputation on so many levels, it's sad. I hope he hasn't completely lost his touch and can direct another fine movie in the years to come.

Do You ChaCha?

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-06-15T15:30:46-04:00

"Why did The Happening suck so bad?"
"At around 5:20 pm in Iowa City, IA, over Coral Ridge Mall, was there a funnel cloud or any reports of a tornado?"
"Can males wear earrings in the '08-'09 semesters at Cedarville University?"
"Who is Alex Laird of Iowa?"
"How does ChaCha make money?"

Ever used Google's free SMS service? You can text it questions that are understood by it's simply search application database: Questions like "Showtimes, 52328" or "Weather, 45314" to receive the showtimes for movie theaters near Robins, IA or the weather around Cedarville, OH. The answering service is simple and usually replies within a few seconds. You can text Google SMS at GOOGL (46645). It's very convenient for simple questions, but far too often you ask it more complicated questions and it replies with a "I do not understand" message. Alas, there is only so much a computer can do ...

ChaCha takes Google SMS to the next level. Everything Google's smart app can't answer, ChaCha can! Simply text ChaCha (242242) or call 1-800-2CHACHA and ask it any question (including the ones above) to receive an in depth, personally researched answer! That's right. ChaCha has an army of "Guide's" (as they call them) waiting to personally investigate your question and send you a text message answer in reply. Usually there answer will be around 160 characters, but if the answer is too long they'll send you multiple texts. This is nice because it means the Guide won't ramble on, but it also gives them enough room to sufficiently answer the question. In general, the guides to a good job of being concise and even keeping the messages lighthearted and humorous.

Here are the answers to my aforementioned questions, in the same order:

"I haven't seen it yet, but if the director is calling it a B movie, then it probably sucks b/c he didn't put enough into it."
"Could have been, no info on the web yet about it, sources say Iowa City flooding could be worse than 1993!"
"All forms of facial jewelry, other than earrings for females, are prohibited both on and off campus. No males are not allowed."
"Alex Laird is a college student at Cedarville University in Iowa. He enjoys writing and computer programming as hobbies."
"The company charges consumers nothing, but it says it his hoping to make money by striking deals with cellphone carries to incorporate the ChaCha service into their current 411 phone-number-look-up service. Also, it hopes to eventually include ads in the text message answers it provides."

Pretty good answers. Too bad Cedarville is in Ohio, but at least they called it a University and not just a college!

Guides get paid 20 cents every time they answer question. Additionally, ChaCha has a search engine (ChaCha Classic) online similar to that of Google. Additionally, you can call the 800 number, record your brief question, and they will text you an answer back. Anyone can sign up to be a Guide; you must take a brief questionnaire/quiz to make sure you are qualified to quickly and efficiently answer people's questions. Interestingly, all of the ChaCha services are 100% free, including ChaCha Classic. ChaCha Classic doesn't even contain targeted ads like Google's search does, so there is obviously no income for ChaCha that way. Even if ChaCha does plan on incorporating ads into the texts at a later date or making a deal for 411 incorporation with cell phone providers, that doesn't explain how they pay for their services here and now, especially considering what their Guides get paid and how many Guides they have! The only way I currently see them making money is off of their store.

Not that I'm complaining. Free always has been and shall always remain the best way to go. In the future, if you have a quick and easy question you need answered (like the definition of "inundated," movie showtimes for Columbus, OH, or the Spanish word for "cat"), Google SMS is the way to go since it frequently replies within seconds. However, it's reassuring to know you can have ANY question answered ANYtime simply with a question 160 characters or less.

My "Second" Publication

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-06-15T12:24:51-04:00

Well, it's happened again! I submitted a picture to The “Blog” of “Unnecessary” Quotation Marks a few weeks back, and it's just recently been added to the site! This one was on a ramp (obviously) in a homeless shelter some friends and I were volunteering at in Dayton, Ohio. It was in the Employees Only section, so it doesn't get seen too often, but I was lucky enough to witness it :). (Aren't you glad we have cameras on our cell phones?)

As a side note, I just realized I don't even have a link to The Blog under my favorite blogs! Sorry, Bethany. I'm fixing that now!

For the post on The Blog, click here.

What the Media Refuses to Admit About Gas Prices

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-05-26T19:08:12-04:00

Ah, summer. A time for good and bad things to start happening again, like they do every year. A time for flowers and trees to start blooming, for grass to start growing, and farms to be planted. A time when new music starts to be released, both good and absolutely horrible (has music lost all intelligence ... and clarity?) music. The time of the year when far too many girls realize they can again dress like skanks and still remain warm (could you possible wear any less threads?). People start camping and fishing, the smell of freshly mowed grass is wherever you go, the gnats and bugs become killer, you can finally feel good about eating ice cream, multiple summer blockbusters are opening every weekend (especially in June), and the price of gas continues to relentless soar.

The media does a fantastic job of blaming the Bush administration; everyone wants to make sure the next president is going to do something about the outrageous treatment of our friends in the Middle East so they'll lower the price of oil. Obviously, if the war was over gas prices would go down, since we're fighting in oil-sensative zones, right? And let's not forget those "don't buy gas" days we all keep getting Facebook invitations to.

Sorry. That's not going to work. And unless our next president can get our economy fixed up, canceling a war won't fix the gas prices either. This is because the war isn't actually going on in oil-sensative zones anymore, despite what the media continues to say. I know we all became paranoid about gas prices and terrorism in 2001 and have associated gas prices with terrorism from that point on, but, for the most part, they're unrelated these days.

In 2002, the US dollar was equivalent to the Euro, one for one. In 2008, one USD will buy you 0.63 Euros. For a fancy graph, check out this Wall Street Journal article which will explain this all better than I ever could. Foreign oil prices are up a bit, but the majority of the fault lies with our decaying economy and especially the dollar.

So, while people complain (and the media continues to do it it's job: Misinforming the public) about the Bush administration doing an awful job, and the war in the Middle East driving our gas prices higher and higher, you now know the real reason for our high gas prices. And, next time you're filling up your tank and subsequently emptying your bank account, just think how fortunate you are. After all, unless you live in California, the vast majority of other countries still pays far more for one gallon of gas than you do. Europe pays over 8 dollars (5 Euros) for a gallon of gas, and they aren't even panicking over there.

News Flash: Boycotting gas prices? Participating in those "Don't Buy Gas" days? That's only going to drive the price of gasoline higher. If a successful boycott were actually carried out (most successfully on a single distributor), the result would be less competition for the remaining companies, thus driving the price UP not DOWN because they would have less reason to price competitively. More than likely, however, a successful boycott is near impossible since one day of sales won't hurt a gasoline retailer; the customers will simply buy it all back the next day. We all have to get to work, right? (As a side note, I have yet to find a Facebook group that actually spells boycott correctly. There are two t's. My generation is going down the pitiful ...)

You want gas prices to go back down? Cut up your credit cards and purchase things up front, like you actually have money for them, not on credit.

I Got "Published"

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-04-29T18:56:29-04:00

How many of you have visited The "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks (henceforth referred to as "The Blog")? I peruse it frequently, especially when I need to be distracted from homework or just need to laugh at others' lack of proper punctuation.

A few months ago, over Christmas break, I was visiting my sweet Grandma in her Waterloo retirement facility. They had a sign up that immediately made me think of The Blog. I took a picture on my phone and emailed it to myself for submittal later. Sure, it was cold and icy outside, and it was a facility for older folks, so I can understand why they would tell us to use caution. It appears as though they weren't sure what type of caution we should use, if any real caution at all, so they did what any self-respecting sceptic would have done in the situation; add quotation marks!

Just today I received an email from Bethany saying she used my picture on The Blog! Thanks, Bethany!

For the post on The Blog, click here.

Cedar Monster

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-04-24T16:49:44-04:00

This afternoon, as Caitlin, Moses, and I sat down to Lunch in Chuck's, something outside the large glass windows caught our attention. Something was swimming in the waters of Cedar Lake. From our perch on high, it was hard to make out exactly what it was; to me, it appeared as though it was a snake swimming in the water, sticking it's head above the surface every few minutes, just to look around. Moses admitted that she had seen it a day prior.

The "thing" appeared to have glossy rubbery skin that was difficult to look at because of the suns bright reflection off it. I guessed that it was black, or at least very dark gray. When it first caught our attention, I thought it was a piece of plastic bobbing in the water, floating to the surface every once in a while. But Moses told me she had seen it on the other side of the lake yesterday and earlier that day. After watching it slither (or so it appeared) through the water, I was next convinced that it was a snake. This assertion made Moses angry, because she kept pounding her fist on the table insisting "it has a fin!" Finally, we realized from our far away position, behind glass, we weren't going to be able to figure out what it was. We decided to clean up our dishes and go down to the water to check it out.

We strolled out of the SSC and up to the water's edge at about the same time that Alberto (henceforth referred to as Bertrude) arrived on the scene. He threw his bike on the ground and joined us lakeside. We all stood there for quite some time observing the finned creature; Moses was right. It was no snake. It certainly had both a fin at it's "rear side" and along the top of it. It looked like a shark, I now thought. Quite honestly, it was about the size of a baby shark. Bertrude made an offhand and completely illegitimate claim that the monster was some type of "carpe." What does he know.

We had three major suspicions. Either it's a baby shark, a dolphin, or the Loch Ness monster. Our only doubt was that we weren't sure if the Loch Ness monster had a fin on it's back or not. Upon consultation of a far more reputable source, Jenna Woestman, we learned that "the Loch Ness monster could have a fin. It pretty much looks like whatever people want it to look like when they think they see it."

I still think it's a baby shark. No matter what it is, consider yourselves warned ... the Cedar Monster lives in Cedar Lake, and it actually ate Bertrude while we were there (may he rest in pieces in it's tummy). Clearly, this must be the cause of the apparent "climate of fear" on our campus, because I can't think of anything else that would be causing it.

At one point as we stood on the grass beside the lake, a group of four girls was walking by on the sidewalk behind us as we stared in awe (crossing ourselves after Bertrude had been eaten). One of the girls said to the others, "Look at the size of that thing! What is that? A fish?" I turned around and looked at the group. "It's not a fish. It's a shark." One of the girls got such a terrified expression on her face that I nearly felt bad for saying it.

NBC Decides to Play Nice

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-04-21T23:11:26-04:00

Remember back when NBC got a little too full of itself a while back and decided to yank its shows from iTunes? They pressured Apple to increase the prices of songs and shows that were more popular in order to make more profit; thankfully, Apple refused to cave. NBC threatened to not resign their contract renewal with Apple for their Digital Media. Apple one-upped them; they pulled all NBC shows and music immediately, proving they didn't need NBC to survive (though NBC does hold a large portion of the television side of the iTunes Store.

I've been waiting for NBC to come crawling back like a baby. Of course, NBC had to think of a way to do this without looking like a complete idiot. Coincidently, NBC didn't even try to bring up the pricing problem again. This time they said they would be OK with Apple's pricing policy, but before they would return their programming to iTunes they wanted Apple to incorporate some form of anti-piracy measures.

This could be both good and bad, as I see it. NBC wants to take advantage of the DRM Apple already incorporates, except they wish to expand it. They would like everything in your iTunes library to have the DRM written to it, which could get really frustrating and, to me, is a huge invasion of your own music rights. However, I don't deny that I think Apple will probably agree to this.

After all, I think it's only a matter of time before the FCC and RIAA crack down like mad on the internet. It will be the day when all internet freedom disintegrates and Big Brother constantly watches over your shoulder; a day I shudder to see come. Since the internet is most frequently viewed in the comforts, and privacy, of your own home, I believe their shouldn't be any type of ISP or government restrictions on it. Sure, if a corporation or parent wants to add filters for various things, that's completely legitimate. But we want the internet, our music, movies, and all types of media (yes, I'm talking to you, Adobe) DRM FREE!

Site Stats

alexdlaird@gmail.com — 2008-04-21T12:04:00-04:00

I thought it would be interesting to report the site statistics since relaunching AlexLaird.net (finally) on February 17th, 2008 with a new look and feel. I also switched servers on my blog, instead of hosting via blogger at blogspot.alexlaird.net, the blog is now hosted via Surpass Hosting (as is the rest of my site) and managed directly by ... Myself :D. No more limits! I can do whatever I want with it now.

Two whole months have elapsed, and I finally got around to checking my site meter. Here are the fancy-pants statistics.

There have been over 2,500 unique page visits to AlexLaird.net/blog. Even more have read from the Feed, so that would be all you faithful Facebookers and Google Readers out there who read it the lame way without actually visiting my site.
Surprisingly, over 6% of these visit last longer than an hour!
Over 400 of these hits come from Cedarville University's campus. There also appears to be a large cluster of readers in Virginia State, San Fransisco, Germany, Australia, Canada (sorry about that one post, guys ...), and Amsterdam. I don't know how I acquired such a reader group, but thanks for showing interest.
I'm proud to report that 40% of my visitors view this site with a Mac. Only 38% use Windows, and, sadly, only 0.2% have viewed while on Linux.
Still, and going to show that Safari is not the most popular browser on Mac, only 27.4% of you Mac users are using Safari. 31.8% of visitors use Internet Explorer.
The largest amount of Search Engine references for me comes from, you guessed it, Google!
From other sites, Jenna is my biggest supporter :). I get the most referrals from her blog. I also get quite a few viewers from Ben Berberich's blog, Facebook (both Notes and on my Profile), and Ashley's blog.

That's all for now. Thanks to all the viewers of the site and readers of the blog in just these two short months! Hopefully I'll be able to post more when school's out and beautiful Summer has set in!

On a final note, if you use Google Reader or some such subscription service to view this blog, the name of the blog may still appear as "Define 'Cool'" when, in actuality, I have changed the name to "Alex's Musings." You may have to rename it manually since some RSS readers update only post feeds and not the name of the feed.