Girlfriend Potential Test
12/23/08 02:06 PM Filed in: Indiscriminate
In recent months, I’ve
had droves of attractive ladies ask me, “Alex, how
can I become your girlfriend?” Due to my extreme
popularity, I haven’t had time to give any of them a
proper answer up until now. But now I have the
answer. The following is the Girlfriend Potential
Test. You must receive an adequate score on this exam
in order to be considered Girlfriend Potential.
“Adequate” is decided by myself and, of course, my
sister, Jenna, who has protective custody over my
relationship status. This exam has been adapted from
several tests I’ve seen scattered around the
internet, but it is mostly the creation of myself and
Jenna.
Overview and Instructions
The following exam will be administered to all females that are interested in the pursuit of a relationship with one Alex Laird of Cedarville University in Ohio. Only those exams completed by a female in under the alloted fifty-minute time limit will be reviewed. You will be graded on grammar, spelling, creativity, the ability to construct a proper sentence, and lastly your overall appearance. Please submit all answers via email in a text document as an attachment to both alexdlaird@gmail.com and jenna.woestman@gmail.com. Be sure to mark the email as Urgent and put “'Student’s Name' - Girlfriend Potential Test” in the subject line, replacing 'Student’s Name' with your actual name. Include a decent, personal photograph with a minimum resolution of 800x600. Please ensure that your name, number, state of residence, and most recent IQ score are displayed prominently in the upper right-hand corner of the paper. When submitting the completed exam, each question should be copied and pasted with your answer promptly following it.
Please keep in mind that this is not a job application. However, your performance on this exam will very accurately portray your cleverness and most likely your ability to succeed when put in a real work environment. I reserve the right to submit your exam results to any future employer as either a recommendation of your abilities or in jest to show them what you aren’t capable of.
You have fifty minutes to complete this test. Your time starts now.
Section One: Multiple Choice (Answer All, 30 Points)
1.) Finish this lyric. “Apple bottom jeans ...”
A.) With the fur. The whole club was looking at her.
B.) Make me look, like, real hot.
C.) OMG I love that song!
D.) Heaven preserve us ... I’m not finishing that lyric. Do you realize Flo Rida’s name is just Florida with a space dropped in randomly?
2.) I’m going to college:
A.) To get my M-R-S degree.
B.) So I can get a good education and make a difference in the world someday.
C.) Because my parents are paying for it, so why not? I don’t actually plan on applying myself at all.
D.) Because I figured it was better than working at McDonald’s.
E.) ... Wait. I’m not going to college, actually.
3.) We’ve talked every night for several hours (not including the Dinner and a movie we had on Saturday, or the Monday night that I came over and we baked cookies), with conversation time averaging about an hour per night. On a Thursday night, when on a deadline, I express a need to get off the phone so I can finish some work and get to bed at a reasonable hour. You:
A.) Take this as a sign that I’m abandoning you, begin to point out all my flaws and that I clearly have commitment issues, and then cry.
B.) Say goodbye, but manage to do it with such menace and venom that I stay on the phone for another three silent hours, broken only occasionally by fits of gentle weeping and muttered curses.
C.) Say goodbye, but then immediately embark on another conversation entirely, discussing it as thoroughly as is scientifically, legally, or religiously possible so I can’t get a word in edge-wise.
D.) Express your feelings of devotion in three words or less, then quickly say goodbye after confirming plans for tomorrow night are still on.
4.) We’re having a fight. You:
A.) Use my past stupidities against me, even though they are completely irrelevant, I’ve apologized for them, and you said you had forgiven me several months prior.
B.) Give me space when the discussion gets too heated for rational thought, and redress your complaints in a calm manner when we’ve both had a chance to cool down.
C.) Flip me The Bird.
D.) Realize the fight is about nothing, so you begin creating fictional problems and making wild accusations about my obsession with material goods and having a wandering eye.
E.) Both c and d.
5.) I’m going out on a Friday night to hang with a bunch of my buddies. You:
A.) Immediately assume there will be female buddies there as well, that I’m in love with one of them, and become irrationally jealous. You never verbalize this too me, so I’m only lost as you stomp around my apartment and give me the cold shoulder.
B.) See this as a great opportunity to get some things done without me around.
C.) See this as a sign that you are probably just a casual thing that I could toss aside at any given moment, despite the fact that we’ve hung out the last seven evenings and I’ve still somehow managed to write you letters every other day this week.
D.) Ask if you can come along.
E.) Invite yourself and a bunch of your girlfriends along without asking my permission.
F.) Have a girls night. Hanging out with boys all the time isn’t good for anyone.
G.) Both b and f.
6.) In order to attract a male, you would:
A.) Act like a complete ditz. Guys love ditzy girls!
B.) Act superior and arrogant. Guys love it when they’re inferior to a woman.
C.) Act like yourself. Guys love it when a girl is genuine and they don’t have to figure out who she really is after they’ve already fallen for whatever show she put on when they first met.
D.) Wear the least amount of fabric as is legally possible. Guys love seductive girls.
7.) You would date a guy because:
A.) He was extremely attractive. (Hint: This is the wrong answer. God made girls to be attractive, not guys.)
B.) He’s smart!
C.) He’ll probably be rich someday, or he is rich currently.
D.) He was manipulative and somehow managed to convince you that you were in love with him ... So I guess you’re supposed to date?
E.) You had compatible personalities, were able to resolve misunderstandings without the obligatory fist fights, and you found yourself quite smitten with who he was.
8.) You buy clothes based on:
A.) Seventeen Magazine’s top picks.
B.) What’s cute and comfortable and doesn’t look like the sewing machine ran out of thread when it reached your midriff.
C.) Whatever’s newest at Abercrombie.
D.) Nothing. My mom makes them for me.
9.) You’re going clothes shopping, and the only option you have is to take me with you. You:
A.) Ignore the fact that I’m completely and hopelessly bored out of my mind, asking me repeatedly with every outfit you try on, “Does this make me look fat?”
B.) Come up with a creative game plan to help me enjoy shopping with you, keeping in mind that my retail-oriented attention span is about twelve minutes and that I am prone to wandering after flashing lights and shiny things.
C.) Attempt to keep the shopping experience as short as possible, getting only what you absolutely need and trying things on only the minimum number of times (in my opinion, not yours).
D.) Both b and c.
E.) Spontaneously add stores to the list every time we’re about to approach the “almost done” mark. These stores were not discussed prior to leaving the apartment.
10.) Assuming things without asking me to confirm them, and/or making wild and negative accusations off of single statements I make (probably sarcastic statements, at that), and/or putting words in my mouth, and/or twisting words I have previously said to make them sound derogatory:
A.) Are all necessary to a healthy relationship and help spur constructive criticism and beneficial arguments.
B.) Are expected and rational things to do, especially when you feel cornered or as if you may be losing an argument.
C.) May be good or bad, depending on your current mood, how your week has been going, and whether I asked you about your current mood and how your week has been going.
D.) Are all completely inappropriate and should never be done under any circumstances. Rational thought is required in every conversation, whether an argument or just casual.
Section Two: True or False (Answer All, 30 Points)
Answer true or false for the following fifteen questions. If you answer false, correct the statement to make it true.
1.) Wearing a skirt overtop a pair of pants is an attractive and fashionable choice.
2.) Learning to interpret body language and communication cues is important.
3.) Arguments are vital to any good relationship.
4.) Discussions are vital to any good relationship.
5.) Arguments and discussions are the same thing.
6.) Your cat is very intuitive--probably as intuitive, if not more so, than myself.
7.) Demetri Martin is the best comedian of all time.
8.) A proper relationship requires effort from both sides.
9.) Rationale and reason are the same thing.
10.) You don’t actually need that dress, cute hat, or additional pair of shoes.
11.) Any argument can always be resolved with the proper amount of yelling if the words are vulgar or incoherent.
12.) Properly constructed sentences are important when attempting to persuade someone in a discussion.
13.) Bono is probably the most important political figure of our generation.
14.) Throwing furniture is a legitimate alternative to constructive conversation.
15.) Your conversation with me, in person, is more important than any and all of the texting conversations within your mobile device.
Section Three: Essay (Answer One, 40 Points)
Select one of the following questions and answer it as thoroughly as time will allow. Please try to be as descriptive and complete as possible, including at least two persuading arguments to support your case. Arguments should be backed up with cited evidence, not anecdotal perspective.
1.) If I were a crime-fighting vigilante by night, what efforts would you make to support my case about the rising threat of evil in this city?
2.) Give evidence, citing sources and giving references whenever possible, that you are a laid back person with a good sense of humor, including the ability to appreciate sarcasm.
3.) What is the likelihood that, if called upon to serve your country, you would be able to broker world peace using your charm and good looks alone?
Overview and Instructions
The following exam will be administered to all females that are interested in the pursuit of a relationship with one Alex Laird of Cedarville University in Ohio. Only those exams completed by a female in under the alloted fifty-minute time limit will be reviewed. You will be graded on grammar, spelling, creativity, the ability to construct a proper sentence, and lastly your overall appearance. Please submit all answers via email in a text document as an attachment to both alexdlaird@gmail.com and jenna.woestman@gmail.com. Be sure to mark the email as Urgent and put “'Student’s Name' - Girlfriend Potential Test” in the subject line, replacing 'Student’s Name' with your actual name. Include a decent, personal photograph with a minimum resolution of 800x600. Please ensure that your name, number, state of residence, and most recent IQ score are displayed prominently in the upper right-hand corner of the paper. When submitting the completed exam, each question should be copied and pasted with your answer promptly following it.
Please keep in mind that this is not a job application. However, your performance on this exam will very accurately portray your cleverness and most likely your ability to succeed when put in a real work environment. I reserve the right to submit your exam results to any future employer as either a recommendation of your abilities or in jest to show them what you aren’t capable of.
You have fifty minutes to complete this test. Your time starts now.
Section One: Multiple Choice (Answer All, 30 Points)
1.) Finish this lyric. “Apple bottom jeans ...”
A.) With the fur. The whole club was looking at her.
B.) Make me look, like, real hot.
C.) OMG I love that song!
D.) Heaven preserve us ... I’m not finishing that lyric. Do you realize Flo Rida’s name is just Florida with a space dropped in randomly?
2.) I’m going to college:
A.) To get my M-R-S degree.
B.) So I can get a good education and make a difference in the world someday.
C.) Because my parents are paying for it, so why not? I don’t actually plan on applying myself at all.
D.) Because I figured it was better than working at McDonald’s.
E.) ... Wait. I’m not going to college, actually.
3.) We’ve talked every night for several hours (not including the Dinner and a movie we had on Saturday, or the Monday night that I came over and we baked cookies), with conversation time averaging about an hour per night. On a Thursday night, when on a deadline, I express a need to get off the phone so I can finish some work and get to bed at a reasonable hour. You:
A.) Take this as a sign that I’m abandoning you, begin to point out all my flaws and that I clearly have commitment issues, and then cry.
B.) Say goodbye, but manage to do it with such menace and venom that I stay on the phone for another three silent hours, broken only occasionally by fits of gentle weeping and muttered curses.
C.) Say goodbye, but then immediately embark on another conversation entirely, discussing it as thoroughly as is scientifically, legally, or religiously possible so I can’t get a word in edge-wise.
D.) Express your feelings of devotion in three words or less, then quickly say goodbye after confirming plans for tomorrow night are still on.
4.) We’re having a fight. You:
A.) Use my past stupidities against me, even though they are completely irrelevant, I’ve apologized for them, and you said you had forgiven me several months prior.
B.) Give me space when the discussion gets too heated for rational thought, and redress your complaints in a calm manner when we’ve both had a chance to cool down.
C.) Flip me The Bird.
D.) Realize the fight is about nothing, so you begin creating fictional problems and making wild accusations about my obsession with material goods and having a wandering eye.
E.) Both c and d.
5.) I’m going out on a Friday night to hang with a bunch of my buddies. You:
A.) Immediately assume there will be female buddies there as well, that I’m in love with one of them, and become irrationally jealous. You never verbalize this too me, so I’m only lost as you stomp around my apartment and give me the cold shoulder.
B.) See this as a great opportunity to get some things done without me around.
C.) See this as a sign that you are probably just a casual thing that I could toss aside at any given moment, despite the fact that we’ve hung out the last seven evenings and I’ve still somehow managed to write you letters every other day this week.
D.) Ask if you can come along.
E.) Invite yourself and a bunch of your girlfriends along without asking my permission.
F.) Have a girls night. Hanging out with boys all the time isn’t good for anyone.
G.) Both b and f.
6.) In order to attract a male, you would:
A.) Act like a complete ditz. Guys love ditzy girls!
B.) Act superior and arrogant. Guys love it when they’re inferior to a woman.
C.) Act like yourself. Guys love it when a girl is genuine and they don’t have to figure out who she really is after they’ve already fallen for whatever show she put on when they first met.
D.) Wear the least amount of fabric as is legally possible. Guys love seductive girls.
7.) You would date a guy because:
A.) He was extremely attractive. (Hint: This is the wrong answer. God made girls to be attractive, not guys.)
B.) He’s smart!
C.) He’ll probably be rich someday, or he is rich currently.
D.) He was manipulative and somehow managed to convince you that you were in love with him ... So I guess you’re supposed to date?
E.) You had compatible personalities, were able to resolve misunderstandings without the obligatory fist fights, and you found yourself quite smitten with who he was.
8.) You buy clothes based on:
A.) Seventeen Magazine’s top picks.
B.) What’s cute and comfortable and doesn’t look like the sewing machine ran out of thread when it reached your midriff.
C.) Whatever’s newest at Abercrombie.
D.) Nothing. My mom makes them for me.
9.) You’re going clothes shopping, and the only option you have is to take me with you. You:
A.) Ignore the fact that I’m completely and hopelessly bored out of my mind, asking me repeatedly with every outfit you try on, “Does this make me look fat?”
B.) Come up with a creative game plan to help me enjoy shopping with you, keeping in mind that my retail-oriented attention span is about twelve minutes and that I am prone to wandering after flashing lights and shiny things.
C.) Attempt to keep the shopping experience as short as possible, getting only what you absolutely need and trying things on only the minimum number of times (in my opinion, not yours).
D.) Both b and c.
E.) Spontaneously add stores to the list every time we’re about to approach the “almost done” mark. These stores were not discussed prior to leaving the apartment.
10.) Assuming things without asking me to confirm them, and/or making wild and negative accusations off of single statements I make (probably sarcastic statements, at that), and/or putting words in my mouth, and/or twisting words I have previously said to make them sound derogatory:
A.) Are all necessary to a healthy relationship and help spur constructive criticism and beneficial arguments.
B.) Are expected and rational things to do, especially when you feel cornered or as if you may be losing an argument.
C.) May be good or bad, depending on your current mood, how your week has been going, and whether I asked you about your current mood and how your week has been going.
D.) Are all completely inappropriate and should never be done under any circumstances. Rational thought is required in every conversation, whether an argument or just casual.
Section Two: True or False (Answer All, 30 Points)
Answer true or false for the following fifteen questions. If you answer false, correct the statement to make it true.
1.) Wearing a skirt overtop a pair of pants is an attractive and fashionable choice.
2.) Learning to interpret body language and communication cues is important.
3.) Arguments are vital to any good relationship.
4.) Discussions are vital to any good relationship.
5.) Arguments and discussions are the same thing.
6.) Your cat is very intuitive--probably as intuitive, if not more so, than myself.
7.) Demetri Martin is the best comedian of all time.
8.) A proper relationship requires effort from both sides.
9.) Rationale and reason are the same thing.
10.) You don’t actually need that dress, cute hat, or additional pair of shoes.
11.) Any argument can always be resolved with the proper amount of yelling if the words are vulgar or incoherent.
12.) Properly constructed sentences are important when attempting to persuade someone in a discussion.
13.) Bono is probably the most important political figure of our generation.
14.) Throwing furniture is a legitimate alternative to constructive conversation.
15.) Your conversation with me, in person, is more important than any and all of the texting conversations within your mobile device.
Section Three: Essay (Answer One, 40 Points)
Select one of the following questions and answer it as thoroughly as time will allow. Please try to be as descriptive and complete as possible, including at least two persuading arguments to support your case. Arguments should be backed up with cited evidence, not anecdotal perspective.
1.) If I were a crime-fighting vigilante by night, what efforts would you make to support my case about the rising threat of evil in this city?
2.) Give evidence, citing sources and giving references whenever possible, that you are a laid back person with a good sense of humor, including the ability to appreciate sarcasm.
3.) What is the likelihood that, if called upon to serve your country, you would be able to broker world peace using your charm and good looks alone?