Girls Are the Root of All Evil
04/07/09 07:38 PM Filed in: Indiscriminate
That’s
what we’ve always been told, isn’t it?
Last week, in the midst of projects and exams, I began to get a cold. Since Jessica had previously had a cold, I decided to blame her for passing it on. Her defense was that Faith had given it to her, so Faith was really at fault. Never missing an opportunity to blame Faith for something bad, I informed her of my annoyance with her getting me sick by proxy. Her rebuttal was that she did it because she loved me. What logic! I told her this made no sense.
“Love has nothing to do with me being sick, Faith,” I said
“Sure it does. Love = suffering,” she replied.
“Suffering is listed nowhere on this page.” I sent her a link to the Webster definition of love.
“It’s indirect. Love = patient. Patience = longsuffering.” A horrible reply. Horrible, Faith.
“Oh, come on. If we’re going by that logic, I could prove to you that girls are the root of all evil.”
“That logic is flawed,” Faith attempted to defended herself.
I began to work out the proof for Faith that girls are the root of all evil, and I came upon two startling revelations! The age-old proof that demonstrates how girls are the root of all evil, and I found that I was wrong! Despite my best efforts, I could not find anyway to not credit my sickness-spawning arch-enemy, Faith, for helping me come to this realization. I am forced to give her slight credit and even a partial nod of friendship for giving me a blogging topic and helping me with this proof. But only a slight one. Don’t read into this too much, Faith. This may mean we’re friends, but this doesn’t mean we’re hanging out.
I will now walk through the original proof that states that girls are the root of all evil. First, let us use G represent “Girls,” T represent “Time,” and M represent “Money.” We will use E to represent “Evil.”
Now, let’s allow the assumption that girls, specifically ones that you’re in a relationship with, require time and money. Given this statement, it has traditionally been shown that:
1)
The view has also long been held that time is money, since in order to make money you must use time, and when you waste time you’re losing potential for monetary growth. Given this, we can now show that:
2)
Substituting equation 2 into equation 1, we achieve:
1)
Finally, traditionally, it has been said that money is the root of all evil. We can represent this by the statement:
3)
Substituting equation 3 into equation 1 we, we achieve:
1)
Since we have proved that G = E, we have proved that girls are evil.
However, there are two significant flaws in this proof. First and foremost, the traditionally accepted statement that “money is the root of all evil” is completely wrong. According to 1 Timothy 6:10, “... The love of money is the root of all evil.” Culture casually takes the word “love” out of the equation and misquotes this scripture as “money is the root of all evil,” claiming Christians hate wealth. This means that, from our previous proof, anything valued to be evil should actually be preceded by “the love of.”
Therefore, by the correctly cited proof, girls are not evil, the love of girls is evil.
Slightly less significant, it’s a common misunderstanding that “and” represents multiplication when it really represents addition. If you have five apples and three apples, your total amount of apples if 5 + 3 = 8, not 5 * 3 = 15. Hence, if girls are time and money, this equation should really be presented by:
1)
Following this equation through the proof, we find that:
1)
Therefore, by the proper proof with the proper citing for the root of all evil, the love of girls is two times more evil than anything else.
Consider yourself warned. I’m just thankful for Faith for bringing this common misunderstanding to my attention. Faith, I can no longer love you. I apologize for letting you know in this way. It never would have worked between us anyway ...
Last week, in the midst of projects and exams, I began to get a cold. Since Jessica had previously had a cold, I decided to blame her for passing it on. Her defense was that Faith had given it to her, so Faith was really at fault. Never missing an opportunity to blame Faith for something bad, I informed her of my annoyance with her getting me sick by proxy. Her rebuttal was that she did it because she loved me. What logic! I told her this made no sense.
“Love has nothing to do with me being sick, Faith,” I said
“Sure it does. Love = suffering,” she replied.
“Suffering is listed nowhere on this page.” I sent her a link to the Webster definition of love.
“It’s indirect. Love = patient. Patience = longsuffering.” A horrible reply. Horrible, Faith.
“Oh, come on. If we’re going by that logic, I could prove to you that girls are the root of all evil.”
“That logic is flawed,” Faith attempted to defended herself.
I began to work out the proof for Faith that girls are the root of all evil, and I came upon two startling revelations! The age-old proof that demonstrates how girls are the root of all evil, and I found that I was wrong! Despite my best efforts, I could not find anyway to not credit my sickness-spawning arch-enemy, Faith, for helping me come to this realization. I am forced to give her slight credit and even a partial nod of friendship for giving me a blogging topic and helping me with this proof. But only a slight one. Don’t read into this too much, Faith. This may mean we’re friends, but this doesn’t mean we’re hanging out.
I will now walk through the original proof that states that girls are the root of all evil. First, let us use G represent “Girls,” T represent “Time,” and M represent “Money.” We will use E to represent “Evil.”
Now, let’s allow the assumption that girls, specifically ones that you’re in a relationship with, require time and money. Given this statement, it has traditionally been shown that:
1)
The view has also long been held that time is money, since in order to make money you must use time, and when you waste time you’re losing potential for monetary growth. Given this, we can now show that:
2)
Substituting equation 2 into equation 1, we achieve:
1)
Finally, traditionally, it has been said that money is the root of all evil. We can represent this by the statement:
3)
Substituting equation 3 into equation 1 we, we achieve:
1)
Since we have proved that G = E, we have proved that girls are evil.
However, there are two significant flaws in this proof. First and foremost, the traditionally accepted statement that “money is the root of all evil” is completely wrong. According to 1 Timothy 6:10, “... The love of money is the root of all evil.” Culture casually takes the word “love” out of the equation and misquotes this scripture as “money is the root of all evil,” claiming Christians hate wealth. This means that, from our previous proof, anything valued to be evil should actually be preceded by “the love of.”
Therefore, by the correctly cited proof, girls are not evil, the love of girls is evil.
Slightly less significant, it’s a common misunderstanding that “and” represents multiplication when it really represents addition. If you have five apples and three apples, your total amount of apples if 5 + 3 = 8, not 5 * 3 = 15. Hence, if girls are time and money, this equation should really be presented by:
1)
Following this equation through the proof, we find that:
1)
Therefore, by the proper proof with the proper citing for the root of all evil, the love of girls is two times more evil than anything else.
Consider yourself warned. I’m just thankful for Faith for bringing this common misunderstanding to my attention. Faith, I can no longer love you. I apologize for letting you know in this way. It never would have worked between us anyway ...