Animals
Friendly America
07/20/07 07:13 AM Filed in: Stories
Yesterday I was over at
Mitch and Sarah Tucker's house. We were having a
jolly old time, and we decided to head over to the
park near their house. Mitch took the SUV because he
doesn't like to walk, and he had a lot of stuff to
cart over there. I decided to walk with Gus.
The park wasn't even 1/4 of a mile away from their house. You could easily see it from their house, minus a house or two that were in the way. I started my walk, Gus trotting ever-so-slowly at my side. After the first two steps he started panting because the exercise was too much for him.
We were about half way to the park when Gus decided he had to poo. This quickly became a problem when I realized I had nothing to pick this poo up with. And we were on the sidewalk in front of someone's house. (Of course, he had moved onto the grass before assuming the pooing position.) He finished doing his business and hopped back on the sidewalk, looking up at me like, "Well, are we going to finish our walk?" I stood pondering for a moment. What do I do in this situation? A little voice in the back of my head said something about the greater Cedar Rapids area having some law against leaving your dog poo lying on the side of the road. But I had nothing to pick it up with!
I turned around and faced the house. It was at this point I realized there was a lady squatting in the garage, staring me down. I knew we had a problem by the look on her face, which was contorted in such a way that looked like she was about to scream and/or cry.
"You're NOT leaving that there," Mrs. Grouchypants firmly shouted from the garage.
"I know ... I have nothing to pick it up with though," was all I could think to reply.
"You are NOT leaving that there."
"I got that! Can you please give me a paper towel or something so I can pick it up?"
"What are you doing walking your dog without baggy's?"
"Well, he's not actually my dog."
"I ... DON'T ... CARE!"
"Alright, well can you please give me something to pick this up with?"
"You are NOT leaving!"
"We've been over this."
"If you leave, I'm calling the police."
"Get me a bag, I will NOT leave."
"I'm serious ... I'm calling the police!"
Mrs. Grouchypants finally went into her house to retreive a bagy for me and hopefully not call the police. I looked at Alyssa, who I had been walking with, and said, "Honestly, how far am I going to get if I try to run right now? Especially with this fat thing that I'd have to drag behind me."
Mr. and Mrs. Grouchypants both emerged from their house, Mr. Grouchypants holding a ziplock baggy. Mrs. Grouchypants stopped just inside the garage and glared at me while Mr. Grouchypants brought me the bag. He thrust out his hand, holding the plastic baggy, and avoided eye contact with.
"Next time, bring a bag."
"Next time, I probably will."
"You wouldn't want me doing that in your lawn, would you?"
"Stranger things have happened."
I leaned down and picked up the poo with the baggy while Mr. Grouchypants joined his wife in the garage. They both stared as Alyssa and I walked off towards the park.
Honestly, what happened to friendly neighbors in America? Is it really so hard to just walk into your house and get me a plastic baggy? I was doing my best to be polite to the woman ... after all, the dog I was walking HAD just fertilized her lawn. But after about the third time of her snapping, "You are NOT leaving," I had just about had it.
We made it to the end of the block and had about 200 yards to go until we reached the park. We started crossing the street, and in the middle of the street, Gus decided he had had enough. He sat down. I pulled and tugged on the leash, but to no avail. He wouldn't budge.
"Oh my gosh ... Alyssa, pick him up."
So we had to carry him the rest of the way to the park. Gus, you're such a hassle!
The park wasn't even 1/4 of a mile away from their house. You could easily see it from their house, minus a house or two that were in the way. I started my walk, Gus trotting ever-so-slowly at my side. After the first two steps he started panting because the exercise was too much for him.
We were about half way to the park when Gus decided he had to poo. This quickly became a problem when I realized I had nothing to pick this poo up with. And we were on the sidewalk in front of someone's house. (Of course, he had moved onto the grass before assuming the pooing position.) He finished doing his business and hopped back on the sidewalk, looking up at me like, "Well, are we going to finish our walk?" I stood pondering for a moment. What do I do in this situation? A little voice in the back of my head said something about the greater Cedar Rapids area having some law against leaving your dog poo lying on the side of the road. But I had nothing to pick it up with!
I turned around and faced the house. It was at this point I realized there was a lady squatting in the garage, staring me down. I knew we had a problem by the look on her face, which was contorted in such a way that looked like she was about to scream and/or cry.
"You're NOT leaving that there," Mrs. Grouchypants firmly shouted from the garage.
"I know ... I have nothing to pick it up with though," was all I could think to reply.
"You are NOT leaving that there."
"I got that! Can you please give me a paper towel or something so I can pick it up?"
"What are you doing walking your dog without baggy's?"
"Well, he's not actually my dog."
"I ... DON'T ... CARE!"
"Alright, well can you please give me something to pick this up with?"
"You are NOT leaving!"
"We've been over this."
"If you leave, I'm calling the police."
"Get me a bag, I will NOT leave."
"I'm serious ... I'm calling the police!"
Mrs. Grouchypants finally went into her house to retreive a bagy for me and hopefully not call the police. I looked at Alyssa, who I had been walking with, and said, "Honestly, how far am I going to get if I try to run right now? Especially with this fat thing that I'd have to drag behind me."
Mr. and Mrs. Grouchypants both emerged from their house, Mr. Grouchypants holding a ziplock baggy. Mrs. Grouchypants stopped just inside the garage and glared at me while Mr. Grouchypants brought me the bag. He thrust out his hand, holding the plastic baggy, and avoided eye contact with.
"Next time, bring a bag."
"Next time, I probably will."
"You wouldn't want me doing that in your lawn, would you?"
"Stranger things have happened."
I leaned down and picked up the poo with the baggy while Mr. Grouchypants joined his wife in the garage. They both stared as Alyssa and I walked off towards the park.
Honestly, what happened to friendly neighbors in America? Is it really so hard to just walk into your house and get me a plastic baggy? I was doing my best to be polite to the woman ... after all, the dog I was walking HAD just fertilized her lawn. But after about the third time of her snapping, "You are NOT leaving," I had just about had it.
We made it to the end of the block and had about 200 yards to go until we reached the park. We started crossing the street, and in the middle of the street, Gus decided he had had enough. He sat down. I pulled and tugged on the leash, but to no avail. He wouldn't budge.
"Oh my gosh ... Alyssa, pick him up."
So we had to carry him the rest of the way to the park. Gus, you're such a hassle!
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Then She Tried to Kill Me
03/10/07 07:08 AM Filed in: Stories
It wasn't five minutes
after I had awaken from my traumatic dreams that
Jenna cheerily said, "Do you want some Lucky Charms
and a Pop Tart, The Kid?" (Never let it be said that
Jenna used my real name, except when I was in
trouble.) Of course, I agreed. I wandered into the
kitchen and grabbed the large box of Lucky Charms.
"The bigger box was cheaper than the little box," she announced.
"Yah, isn't it usually?"
"No, I mean actually cheaper! Total price. Not like, proportionally."
"Oh, well, that's cool." I poked through various cupboards until I found the bowls. Jenna handed me the milk and told me where the silverware was. I poured the milk on my cereal and went back into the Living Room to eat my prized bowl of Lucky Charms. I hadn't had Lucky Charms in FOREVER! I downed the entire bowl (while writing that last blog post). Jenna came out of the bathroom and said,
"The Kid, we have to go to Tom Thumb's and get cherries now so we can make a pie. Hurry up and get your shoes on."
"Fine," I grumbled as I unleashed a kick in her direction. I missed.
I put my bowl in the kitchen just as Jenna looked at me and said, "The Kid, did you actually eat that whole bowl of cereal?" "Um... Yah. Why wouldn't I?"
"Dude, that milk was sour! It expired like five days ago!"
"WHAT?! You could have told me that BEFORE I drank the entire bowl!!"
"Yah, sorry about that, The Kid. We also need to get new milk and Tom Thumb's."
Needless to say, I shot several glares in her direction during the car ride to Tom Thumb's grocery store.
"The bigger box was cheaper than the little box," she announced.
"Yah, isn't it usually?"
"No, I mean actually cheaper! Total price. Not like, proportionally."
"Oh, well, that's cool." I poked through various cupboards until I found the bowls. Jenna handed me the milk and told me where the silverware was. I poured the milk on my cereal and went back into the Living Room to eat my prized bowl of Lucky Charms. I hadn't had Lucky Charms in FOREVER! I downed the entire bowl (while writing that last blog post). Jenna came out of the bathroom and said,
"The Kid, we have to go to Tom Thumb's and get cherries now so we can make a pie. Hurry up and get your shoes on."
"Fine," I grumbled as I unleashed a kick in her direction. I missed.
I put my bowl in the kitchen just as Jenna looked at me and said, "The Kid, did you actually eat that whole bowl of cereal?" "Um... Yah. Why wouldn't I?"
"Dude, that milk was sour! It expired like five days ago!"
"WHAT?! You could have told me that BEFORE I drank the entire bowl!!"
"Yah, sorry about that, The Kid. We also need to get new milk and Tom Thumb's."
Needless to say, I shot several glares in her direction during the car ride to Tom Thumb's grocery store.
Attack!
03/10/07 05:59 AM Filed in: Stories
It seemed like I could
possibly be dreaming, but I wasn't sure. It was one
of those in between states, where you feel as if
you're floating, but you're lost somewhere in
Never-Never-Land... but at the same time you don't
know you're in Never-Never-Land. No, I wasn't high.
But I did know that there were palm trees all around,
swaying quite severely. And then I realized it was
raining! Pouring, actually. I dashed for cover.
Somehow I found some.
As far as I could tell, I was on a deserted island. But it was a pretty friendly deserted island, because I found a shelter after not to much running and search. I walked in and was relieved to get out of the rain. There were benches and tables and chairs all throughout the shelter, so I picked a bench and rested my legs for a while.
As I sat there, trying to figure out where I was and how I had gotten here, and sudden *splash* of water hit my nose. I reached up and grabbed it... It tickled! I looked around and, *splash*, it hit me again! I stood up, but I couldn't figure out where it was coming from. I was inside, so the rain couldn't be hitting me anymore. Suddenly, it hit me constantly: *splash**splash**splash* over and over. I grabbed at my nose and squeezed my eyes shut... and then I realized my eyes were already shut! So I gave opening them a try. No luck. I spun in circles and flailed my arms around, but that didn't seem to get rid of the splashing either.
All of a sudden, the splashing stopped. I stopped spinning in circles and just stood there, somehow looking around the shelter I was in, but somehow I still had my eyes closed. I began to hear a low growling and a familiar *jingle*. Somehow, I forced my eyes open ever-so-slightly... I realized it was really dark. And I wasn't in the shelter anymore. And there was a large, furry beast breathing in my face. I then also realized I was laying on a couch, and this large furry beast seemed pretty friendly... although it did have really bad breath. I snapped my eyes open and remembered I was in Texas. And the large furry beast was actually the cute and cuddly Henry, my sister and brother-in-law's dog!! I reached down from the couch and grabbed the ball of fur and brought him up on the couch with me. He happily and thoroughly licked every single part of my face, neck, arms, and then, of course, my nose again. But it was all alright now that I wasn't on some deserted island with nobody I knew in some lonely shelter. So I snuggled up with Henry and fell back asleep.
My next dream consisted of only one thing. Jenna, Joey, and I were in their apartment, looking at their end table. Jenna was screaming, and Joey and I were looking at the end table in astonishment. Apparently, someone had left THREE glasses of water on the wood part ALL night without putting a coaster under them. The results looked devastating, but Joey and I both swore it wasn't us! We blamed Dad, who was still asleep...
As far as I could tell, I was on a deserted island. But it was a pretty friendly deserted island, because I found a shelter after not to much running and search. I walked in and was relieved to get out of the rain. There were benches and tables and chairs all throughout the shelter, so I picked a bench and rested my legs for a while.
As I sat there, trying to figure out where I was and how I had gotten here, and sudden *splash* of water hit my nose. I reached up and grabbed it... It tickled! I looked around and, *splash*, it hit me again! I stood up, but I couldn't figure out where it was coming from. I was inside, so the rain couldn't be hitting me anymore. Suddenly, it hit me constantly: *splash**splash**splash* over and over. I grabbed at my nose and squeezed my eyes shut... and then I realized my eyes were already shut! So I gave opening them a try. No luck. I spun in circles and flailed my arms around, but that didn't seem to get rid of the splashing either.
All of a sudden, the splashing stopped. I stopped spinning in circles and just stood there, somehow looking around the shelter I was in, but somehow I still had my eyes closed. I began to hear a low growling and a familiar *jingle*. Somehow, I forced my eyes open ever-so-slightly... I realized it was really dark. And I wasn't in the shelter anymore. And there was a large, furry beast breathing in my face. I then also realized I was laying on a couch, and this large furry beast seemed pretty friendly... although it did have really bad breath. I snapped my eyes open and remembered I was in Texas. And the large furry beast was actually the cute and cuddly Henry, my sister and brother-in-law's dog!! I reached down from the couch and grabbed the ball of fur and brought him up on the couch with me. He happily and thoroughly licked every single part of my face, neck, arms, and then, of course, my nose again. But it was all alright now that I wasn't on some deserted island with nobody I knew in some lonely shelter. So I snuggled up with Henry and fell back asleep.
My next dream consisted of only one thing. Jenna, Joey, and I were in their apartment, looking at their end table. Jenna was screaming, and Joey and I were looking at the end table in astonishment. Apparently, someone had left THREE glasses of water on the wood part ALL night without putting a coaster under them. The results looked devastating, but Joey and I both swore it wasn't us! We blamed Dad, who was still asleep...