Girls Are the Root of All Evil
04/07/09 08:38 PM Filed in: Indiscriminate
That’s
what we’ve always been told, isn’t it?
Last week, in the midst of projects and exams, I began to get a cold. Since Jessica had previously had a cold, I decided to blame her for passing it on. Her defense was that Faith had given it to her, so Faith was really at fault. Never missing an opportunity to blame Faith for something bad, I informed her of my annoyance with her getting me sick by proxy. Her rebuttal was that she did it because she loved me. What logic! I told her this made no sense.
“Love has nothing to do with me being sick, Faith,” I said
“Sure it does. Love = suffering,” she replied.
“Suffering is listed nowhere on this page.” I sent her a link to the Webster definition of love.
“It’s indirect. Love = patient. Patience = longsuffering.” A horrible reply. Horrible, Faith.
“Oh, come on. If we’re going by that logic, I could prove to you that girls are the root of all evil.”
“That logic is flawed,” Faith attempted to defended herself.
I began to work out the proof for Faith that girls are the root of all evil, and I came upon two startling revelations! The age-old proof that demonstrates how girls are the root of all evil, and I found that I was wrong! Despite my best efforts, I could not find anyway to not credit my sickness-spawning arch-enemy, Faith, for helping me come to this realization. I am forced to give her slight credit and even a partial nod of friendship for giving me a blogging topic and helping me with this proof. But only a slight one. Don’t read into this too much, Faith. This may mean we’re friends, but this doesn’t mean we’re hanging out.
I will now walk through the original proof that states that girls are the root of all evil. First, let us use G represent “Girls,” T represent “Time,” and M represent “Money.” We will use E to represent “Evil.”
Now, let’s allow the assumption that girls, specifically ones that you’re in a relationship with, require time and money. Given this statement, it has traditionally been shown that:
1)
The view has also long been held that time is money, since in order to make money you must use time, and when you waste time you’re losing potential for monetary growth. Given this, we can now show that:
2)
Substituting equation 2 into equation 1, we achieve:
1)
Finally, traditionally, it has been said that money is the root of all evil. We can represent this by the statement:
3)
Substituting equation 3 into equation 1 we, we achieve:
1)
Since we have proved that G = E, we have proved that girls are evil.
However, there are two significant flaws in this proof. First and foremost, the traditionally accepted statement that “money is the root of all evil” is completely wrong. According to 1 Timothy 6:10, “... The love of money is the root of all evil.” Culture casually takes the word “love” out of the equation and misquotes this scripture as “money is the root of all evil,” claiming Christians hate wealth. This means that, from our previous proof, anything valued to be evil should actually be preceded by “the love of.”
Therefore, by the correctly cited proof, girls are not evil, the love of girls is evil.
Slightly less significant, it’s a common misunderstanding that “and” represents multiplication when it really represents addition. If you have five apples and three apples, your total amount of apples if 5 + 3 = 8, not 5 * 3 = 15. Hence, if girls are time and money, this equation should really be presented by:
1)
Following this equation through the proof, we find that:
1)
Therefore, by the proper proof with the proper citing for the root of all evil, the love of girls is two times more evil than anything else.
Consider yourself warned. I’m just thankful for Faith for bringing this common misunderstanding to my attention. Faith, I can no longer love you. I apologize for letting you know in this way. It never would have worked between us anyway ...
Last week, in the midst of projects and exams, I began to get a cold. Since Jessica had previously had a cold, I decided to blame her for passing it on. Her defense was that Faith had given it to her, so Faith was really at fault. Never missing an opportunity to blame Faith for something bad, I informed her of my annoyance with her getting me sick by proxy. Her rebuttal was that she did it because she loved me. What logic! I told her this made no sense.
“Love has nothing to do with me being sick, Faith,” I said
“Sure it does. Love = suffering,” she replied.
“Suffering is listed nowhere on this page.” I sent her a link to the Webster definition of love.
“It’s indirect. Love = patient. Patience = longsuffering.” A horrible reply. Horrible, Faith.
“Oh, come on. If we’re going by that logic, I could prove to you that girls are the root of all evil.”
“That logic is flawed,” Faith attempted to defended herself.
I began to work out the proof for Faith that girls are the root of all evil, and I came upon two startling revelations! The age-old proof that demonstrates how girls are the root of all evil, and I found that I was wrong! Despite my best efforts, I could not find anyway to not credit my sickness-spawning arch-enemy, Faith, for helping me come to this realization. I am forced to give her slight credit and even a partial nod of friendship for giving me a blogging topic and helping me with this proof. But only a slight one. Don’t read into this too much, Faith. This may mean we’re friends, but this doesn’t mean we’re hanging out.
I will now walk through the original proof that states that girls are the root of all evil. First, let us use G represent “Girls,” T represent “Time,” and M represent “Money.” We will use E to represent “Evil.”
Now, let’s allow the assumption that girls, specifically ones that you’re in a relationship with, require time and money. Given this statement, it has traditionally been shown that:
1)
The view has also long been held that time is money, since in order to make money you must use time, and when you waste time you’re losing potential for monetary growth. Given this, we can now show that:
2)
Substituting equation 2 into equation 1, we achieve:
1)
Finally, traditionally, it has been said that money is the root of all evil. We can represent this by the statement:
3)
Substituting equation 3 into equation 1 we, we achieve:
1)
Since we have proved that G = E, we have proved that girls are evil.
However, there are two significant flaws in this proof. First and foremost, the traditionally accepted statement that “money is the root of all evil” is completely wrong. According to 1 Timothy 6:10, “... The love of money is the root of all evil.” Culture casually takes the word “love” out of the equation and misquotes this scripture as “money is the root of all evil,” claiming Christians hate wealth. This means that, from our previous proof, anything valued to be evil should actually be preceded by “the love of.”
Therefore, by the correctly cited proof, girls are not evil, the love of girls is evil.
Slightly less significant, it’s a common misunderstanding that “and” represents multiplication when it really represents addition. If you have five apples and three apples, your total amount of apples if 5 + 3 = 8, not 5 * 3 = 15. Hence, if girls are time and money, this equation should really be presented by:
1)
Following this equation through the proof, we find that:
1)
Therefore, by the proper proof with the proper citing for the root of all evil, the love of girls is two times more evil than anything else.
Consider yourself warned. I’m just thankful for Faith for bringing this common misunderstanding to my attention. Faith, I can no longer love you. I apologize for letting you know in this way. It never would have worked between us anyway ...
|
Girlfriend Potential Test
12/23/08 02:06 PM Filed in: Indiscriminate
In recent months, I’ve
had droves of attractive ladies ask me, “Alex, how
can I become your girlfriend?” Due to my extreme
popularity, I haven’t had time to give any of them a
proper answer up until now. But now I have the
answer. The following is the Girlfriend Potential
Test. You must receive an adequate score on this exam
in order to be considered Girlfriend Potential.
“Adequate” is decided by myself and, of course, my
sister, Jenna, who has protective custody over my
relationship status. This exam has been adapted from
several tests I’ve seen scattered around the
internet, but it is mostly the creation of myself and
Jenna.
Overview and Instructions
The following exam will be administered to all females that are interested in the pursuit of a relationship with one Alex Laird of Cedarville University in Ohio. Only those exams completed by a female in under the alloted fifty-minute time limit will be reviewed. You will be graded on grammar, spelling, creativity, the ability to construct a proper sentence, and lastly your overall appearance. Please submit all answers via email in a text document as an attachment to both alexdlaird@gmail.com and jenna.woestman@gmail.com. Be sure to mark the email as Urgent and put “'Student’s Name' - Girlfriend Potential Test” in the subject line, replacing 'Student’s Name' with your actual name. Include a decent, personal photograph with a minimum resolution of 800x600. Please ensure that your name, number, state of residence, and most recent IQ score are displayed prominently in the upper right-hand corner of the paper. When submitting the completed exam, each question should be copied and pasted with your answer promptly following it.
Please keep in mind that this is not a job application. However, your performance on this exam will very accurately portray your cleverness and most likely your ability to succeed when put in a real work environment. I reserve the right to submit your exam results to any future employer as either a recommendation of your abilities or in jest to show them what you aren’t capable of.
You have fifty minutes to complete this test. Your time starts now.
Section One: Multiple Choice (Answer All, 30 Points)
1.) Finish this lyric. “Apple bottom jeans ...”
A.) With the fur. The whole club was looking at her.
B.) Make me look, like, real hot.
C.) OMG I love that song!
D.) Heaven preserve us ... I’m not finishing that lyric. Do you realize Flo Rida’s name is just Florida with a space dropped in randomly?
2.) I’m going to college:
A.) To get my M-R-S degree.
B.) So I can get a good education and make a difference in the world someday.
C.) Because my parents are paying for it, so why not? I don’t actually plan on applying myself at all.
D.) Because I figured it was better than working at McDonald’s.
E.) ... Wait. I’m not going to college, actually.
3.) We’ve talked every night for several hours (not including the Dinner and a movie we had on Saturday, or the Monday night that I came over and we baked cookies), with conversation time averaging about an hour per night. On a Thursday night, when on a deadline, I express a need to get off the phone so I can finish some work and get to bed at a reasonable hour. You:
A.) Take this as a sign that I’m abandoning you, begin to point out all my flaws and that I clearly have commitment issues, and then cry.
B.) Say goodbye, but manage to do it with such menace and venom that I stay on the phone for another three silent hours, broken only occasionally by fits of gentle weeping and muttered curses.
C.) Say goodbye, but then immediately embark on another conversation entirely, discussing it as thoroughly as is scientifically, legally, or religiously possible so I can’t get a word in edge-wise.
D.) Express your feelings of devotion in three words or less, then quickly say goodbye after confirming plans for tomorrow night are still on.
4.) We’re having a fight. You:
A.) Use my past stupidities against me, even though they are completely irrelevant, I’ve apologized for them, and you said you had forgiven me several months prior.
B.) Give me space when the discussion gets too heated for rational thought, and redress your complaints in a calm manner when we’ve both had a chance to cool down.
C.) Flip me The Bird.
D.) Realize the fight is about nothing, so you begin creating fictional problems and making wild accusations about my obsession with material goods and having a wandering eye.
E.) Both c and d.
5.) I’m going out on a Friday night to hang with a bunch of my buddies. You:
A.) Immediately assume there will be female buddies there as well, that I’m in love with one of them, and become irrationally jealous. You never verbalize this too me, so I’m only lost as you stomp around my apartment and give me the cold shoulder.
B.) See this as a great opportunity to get some things done without me around.
C.) See this as a sign that you are probably just a casual thing that I could toss aside at any given moment, despite the fact that we’ve hung out the last seven evenings and I’ve still somehow managed to write you letters every other day this week.
D.) Ask if you can come along.
E.) Invite yourself and a bunch of your girlfriends along without asking my permission.
F.) Have a girls night. Hanging out with boys all the time isn’t good for anyone.
G.) Both b and f.
6.) In order to attract a male, you would:
A.) Act like a complete ditz. Guys love ditzy girls!
B.) Act superior and arrogant. Guys love it when they’re inferior to a woman.
C.) Act like yourself. Guys love it when a girl is genuine and they don’t have to figure out who she really is after they’ve already fallen for whatever show she put on when they first met.
D.) Wear the least amount of fabric as is legally possible. Guys love seductive girls.
7.) You would date a guy because:
A.) He was extremely attractive. (Hint: This is the wrong answer. God made girls to be attractive, not guys.)
B.) He’s smart!
C.) He’ll probably be rich someday, or he is rich currently.
D.) He was manipulative and somehow managed to convince you that you were in love with him ... So I guess you’re supposed to date?
E.) You had compatible personalities, were able to resolve misunderstandings without the obligatory fist fights, and you found yourself quite smitten with who he was.
8.) You buy clothes based on:
A.) Seventeen Magazine’s top picks.
B.) What’s cute and comfortable and doesn’t look like the sewing machine ran out of thread when it reached your midriff.
C.) Whatever’s newest at Abercrombie.
D.) Nothing. My mom makes them for me.
9.) You’re going clothes shopping, and the only option you have is to take me with you. You:
A.) Ignore the fact that I’m completely and hopelessly bored out of my mind, asking me repeatedly with every outfit you try on, “Does this make me look fat?”
B.) Come up with a creative game plan to help me enjoy shopping with you, keeping in mind that my retail-oriented attention span is about twelve minutes and that I am prone to wandering after flashing lights and shiny things.
C.) Attempt to keep the shopping experience as short as possible, getting only what you absolutely need and trying things on only the minimum number of times (in my opinion, not yours).
D.) Both b and c.
E.) Spontaneously add stores to the list every time we’re about to approach the “almost done” mark. These stores were not discussed prior to leaving the apartment.
10.) Assuming things without asking me to confirm them, and/or making wild and negative accusations off of single statements I make (probably sarcastic statements, at that), and/or putting words in my mouth, and/or twisting words I have previously said to make them sound derogatory:
A.) Are all necessary to a healthy relationship and help spur constructive criticism and beneficial arguments.
B.) Are expected and rational things to do, especially when you feel cornered or as if you may be losing an argument.
C.) May be good or bad, depending on your current mood, how your week has been going, and whether I asked you about your current mood and how your week has been going.
D.) Are all completely inappropriate and should never be done under any circumstances. Rational thought is required in every conversation, whether an argument or just casual.
Section Two: True or False (Answer All, 30 Points)
Answer true or false for the following fifteen questions. If you answer false, correct the statement to make it true.
1.) Wearing a skirt overtop a pair of pants is an attractive and fashionable choice.
2.) Learning to interpret body language and communication cues is important.
3.) Arguments are vital to any good relationship.
4.) Discussions are vital to any good relationship.
5.) Arguments and discussions are the same thing.
6.) Your cat is very intuitive--probably as intuitive, if not more so, than myself.
7.) Demetri Martin is the best comedian of all time.
8.) A proper relationship requires effort from both sides.
9.) Rationale and reason are the same thing.
10.) You don’t actually need that dress, cute hat, or additional pair of shoes.
11.) Any argument can always be resolved with the proper amount of yelling if the words are vulgar or incoherent.
12.) Properly constructed sentences are important when attempting to persuade someone in a discussion.
13.) Bono is probably the most important political figure of our generation.
14.) Throwing furniture is a legitimate alternative to constructive conversation.
15.) Your conversation with me, in person, is more important than any and all of the texting conversations within your mobile device.
Section Three: Essay (Answer One, 40 Points)
Select one of the following questions and answer it as thoroughly as time will allow. Please try to be as descriptive and complete as possible, including at least two persuading arguments to support your case. Arguments should be backed up with cited evidence, not anecdotal perspective.
1.) If I were a crime-fighting vigilante by night, what efforts would you make to support my case about the rising threat of evil in this city?
2.) Give evidence, citing sources and giving references whenever possible, that you are a laid back person with a good sense of humor, including the ability to appreciate sarcasm.
3.) What is the likelihood that, if called upon to serve your country, you would be able to broker world peace using your charm and good looks alone?
Overview and Instructions
The following exam will be administered to all females that are interested in the pursuit of a relationship with one Alex Laird of Cedarville University in Ohio. Only those exams completed by a female in under the alloted fifty-minute time limit will be reviewed. You will be graded on grammar, spelling, creativity, the ability to construct a proper sentence, and lastly your overall appearance. Please submit all answers via email in a text document as an attachment to both alexdlaird@gmail.com and jenna.woestman@gmail.com. Be sure to mark the email as Urgent and put “'Student’s Name' - Girlfriend Potential Test” in the subject line, replacing 'Student’s Name' with your actual name. Include a decent, personal photograph with a minimum resolution of 800x600. Please ensure that your name, number, state of residence, and most recent IQ score are displayed prominently in the upper right-hand corner of the paper. When submitting the completed exam, each question should be copied and pasted with your answer promptly following it.
Please keep in mind that this is not a job application. However, your performance on this exam will very accurately portray your cleverness and most likely your ability to succeed when put in a real work environment. I reserve the right to submit your exam results to any future employer as either a recommendation of your abilities or in jest to show them what you aren’t capable of.
You have fifty minutes to complete this test. Your time starts now.
Section One: Multiple Choice (Answer All, 30 Points)
1.) Finish this lyric. “Apple bottom jeans ...”
A.) With the fur. The whole club was looking at her.
B.) Make me look, like, real hot.
C.) OMG I love that song!
D.) Heaven preserve us ... I’m not finishing that lyric. Do you realize Flo Rida’s name is just Florida with a space dropped in randomly?
2.) I’m going to college:
A.) To get my M-R-S degree.
B.) So I can get a good education and make a difference in the world someday.
C.) Because my parents are paying for it, so why not? I don’t actually plan on applying myself at all.
D.) Because I figured it was better than working at McDonald’s.
E.) ... Wait. I’m not going to college, actually.
3.) We’ve talked every night for several hours (not including the Dinner and a movie we had on Saturday, or the Monday night that I came over and we baked cookies), with conversation time averaging about an hour per night. On a Thursday night, when on a deadline, I express a need to get off the phone so I can finish some work and get to bed at a reasonable hour. You:
A.) Take this as a sign that I’m abandoning you, begin to point out all my flaws and that I clearly have commitment issues, and then cry.
B.) Say goodbye, but manage to do it with such menace and venom that I stay on the phone for another three silent hours, broken only occasionally by fits of gentle weeping and muttered curses.
C.) Say goodbye, but then immediately embark on another conversation entirely, discussing it as thoroughly as is scientifically, legally, or religiously possible so I can’t get a word in edge-wise.
D.) Express your feelings of devotion in three words or less, then quickly say goodbye after confirming plans for tomorrow night are still on.
4.) We’re having a fight. You:
A.) Use my past stupidities against me, even though they are completely irrelevant, I’ve apologized for them, and you said you had forgiven me several months prior.
B.) Give me space when the discussion gets too heated for rational thought, and redress your complaints in a calm manner when we’ve both had a chance to cool down.
C.) Flip me The Bird.
D.) Realize the fight is about nothing, so you begin creating fictional problems and making wild accusations about my obsession with material goods and having a wandering eye.
E.) Both c and d.
5.) I’m going out on a Friday night to hang with a bunch of my buddies. You:
A.) Immediately assume there will be female buddies there as well, that I’m in love with one of them, and become irrationally jealous. You never verbalize this too me, so I’m only lost as you stomp around my apartment and give me the cold shoulder.
B.) See this as a great opportunity to get some things done without me around.
C.) See this as a sign that you are probably just a casual thing that I could toss aside at any given moment, despite the fact that we’ve hung out the last seven evenings and I’ve still somehow managed to write you letters every other day this week.
D.) Ask if you can come along.
E.) Invite yourself and a bunch of your girlfriends along without asking my permission.
F.) Have a girls night. Hanging out with boys all the time isn’t good for anyone.
G.) Both b and f.
6.) In order to attract a male, you would:
A.) Act like a complete ditz. Guys love ditzy girls!
B.) Act superior and arrogant. Guys love it when they’re inferior to a woman.
C.) Act like yourself. Guys love it when a girl is genuine and they don’t have to figure out who she really is after they’ve already fallen for whatever show she put on when they first met.
D.) Wear the least amount of fabric as is legally possible. Guys love seductive girls.
7.) You would date a guy because:
A.) He was extremely attractive. (Hint: This is the wrong answer. God made girls to be attractive, not guys.)
B.) He’s smart!
C.) He’ll probably be rich someday, or he is rich currently.
D.) He was manipulative and somehow managed to convince you that you were in love with him ... So I guess you’re supposed to date?
E.) You had compatible personalities, were able to resolve misunderstandings without the obligatory fist fights, and you found yourself quite smitten with who he was.
8.) You buy clothes based on:
A.) Seventeen Magazine’s top picks.
B.) What’s cute and comfortable and doesn’t look like the sewing machine ran out of thread when it reached your midriff.
C.) Whatever’s newest at Abercrombie.
D.) Nothing. My mom makes them for me.
9.) You’re going clothes shopping, and the only option you have is to take me with you. You:
A.) Ignore the fact that I’m completely and hopelessly bored out of my mind, asking me repeatedly with every outfit you try on, “Does this make me look fat?”
B.) Come up with a creative game plan to help me enjoy shopping with you, keeping in mind that my retail-oriented attention span is about twelve minutes and that I am prone to wandering after flashing lights and shiny things.
C.) Attempt to keep the shopping experience as short as possible, getting only what you absolutely need and trying things on only the minimum number of times (in my opinion, not yours).
D.) Both b and c.
E.) Spontaneously add stores to the list every time we’re about to approach the “almost done” mark. These stores were not discussed prior to leaving the apartment.
10.) Assuming things without asking me to confirm them, and/or making wild and negative accusations off of single statements I make (probably sarcastic statements, at that), and/or putting words in my mouth, and/or twisting words I have previously said to make them sound derogatory:
A.) Are all necessary to a healthy relationship and help spur constructive criticism and beneficial arguments.
B.) Are expected and rational things to do, especially when you feel cornered or as if you may be losing an argument.
C.) May be good or bad, depending on your current mood, how your week has been going, and whether I asked you about your current mood and how your week has been going.
D.) Are all completely inappropriate and should never be done under any circumstances. Rational thought is required in every conversation, whether an argument or just casual.
Section Two: True or False (Answer All, 30 Points)
Answer true or false for the following fifteen questions. If you answer false, correct the statement to make it true.
1.) Wearing a skirt overtop a pair of pants is an attractive and fashionable choice.
2.) Learning to interpret body language and communication cues is important.
3.) Arguments are vital to any good relationship.
4.) Discussions are vital to any good relationship.
5.) Arguments and discussions are the same thing.
6.) Your cat is very intuitive--probably as intuitive, if not more so, than myself.
7.) Demetri Martin is the best comedian of all time.
8.) A proper relationship requires effort from both sides.
9.) Rationale and reason are the same thing.
10.) You don’t actually need that dress, cute hat, or additional pair of shoes.
11.) Any argument can always be resolved with the proper amount of yelling if the words are vulgar or incoherent.
12.) Properly constructed sentences are important when attempting to persuade someone in a discussion.
13.) Bono is probably the most important political figure of our generation.
14.) Throwing furniture is a legitimate alternative to constructive conversation.
15.) Your conversation with me, in person, is more important than any and all of the texting conversations within your mobile device.
Section Three: Essay (Answer One, 40 Points)
Select one of the following questions and answer it as thoroughly as time will allow. Please try to be as descriptive and complete as possible, including at least two persuading arguments to support your case. Arguments should be backed up with cited evidence, not anecdotal perspective.
1.) If I were a crime-fighting vigilante by night, what efforts would you make to support my case about the rising threat of evil in this city?
2.) Give evidence, citing sources and giving references whenever possible, that you are a laid back person with a good sense of humor, including the ability to appreciate sarcasm.
3.) What is the likelihood that, if called upon to serve your country, you would be able to broker world peace using your charm and good looks alone?
Hypocritical RAs
I have
no problem with RAs. I have no problem with police
officers. I really have no problem with authority.
Here’s what I do have a problem with: hypocrisy.
Especially when it comes from
authority.
This morning I had my last class in Old Testament Literature. During finals, we’re allowed to wear jeans to class instead of our usual Class Dress, which is basically anything but jeans. So, this week being finals week, I decided to wear jeans this morning. Sure, finals don’t technically start until tomorrow, but this week is finals week, so that was my defense. And considering 50% of the campus has the same mentality as I on this matter, I wasn’t too concerned about getting demerits for it, and I didn’t. But I did overhear a conversation entailing the demerits of another that made me want to stand up and shout!
I was sitting in my comfy rolly chair when it happened. Two girls were sitting in the row in front of me, one of which was wearing blue jeans, when a tall fellow, who was wearing black jeans, strolled up and sat in the chair on the end of the row.
Black Jeans Guy: Hey, you’re wearing jeans. I should write you up.
Blue Jeans Girl: It’s finals ...
Black Jeans Guy: Finals don’t start until tomorrow.
Blue Jeans Girl: Look around you. Everyone is wearing jeans today.
Random Girl: You’re wearing jeans!
Black Jeans Guy: No, these are black jeans. You’re wearing blue jeans.
Blue Jeans Girl: Your point?
Black Jeans Guy: The rule book says no blue jeans. Black jeans are fine. It’s okay though. You’re my friend, and it’s the last week, so I won’t write you up.
Random Girl: How considerate of you.
This conversation bothered me on so many levels. First of all, Black Jeans Guy was clearly going to let Blue Jeans Girl off the hook merely because they were friends. I was crossing my fingers the entire class, hoping he would turn around and try to give me demerits after class so I could give him the what’s-up. He didn’t.
Friend exceptions bug me, just like any amount of inconsistency bugs me, but the fact that he was actually trying to give demerits to someone else for wearing jeans while he was wearing jeans just made me want to jump into the conversation even more. I refrained.
I wanted to jump up and say, “Oh my goodness, do you not even understand the rules you’re supposed to be enforcing? The rule book says nothing about jeans whatsoever, no matter the color! Dr. Brown made a joke about it last year in chapel, but the rule book is silent on the matter.”
If he had talked to me after class, here’s what I would have said: “I’ll make you a deal. We walk to the SSC right now and get a Student Handbook. If the handbook says anything about jeans, specifically blue jeans, you can right me up for five demerits, if you want.” A dress code violation is only worth two demerits. “However, if black jeans are just as unacceptable as blue jeans, you and I are marching to your RDs office and you’re giving yourself demerits while I get none.”
Just for fun, let’s have a look at the Student Handbook, shall we? Yes, I actually have memorized parts of the Handbook just for moments such as these. It really would have made my day if he had talked to me ...
Men
Dress/sport shirt, sweaters/sweatshirts, slacks, and footwear (no long/short-sleeved T-shirts or shorts)
Women
Skirts, dresses, blouses, sweaters/sweatshirts, slacks, and footwear (no long/short-sleeved T-shirts, shorts, or leggings)
Since their seems to be a bit of confusion, let’s define “slacks” according to Webster.
slacks: trousers especially for casual wear
trouser: pant
pant: an outer garment covering each leg separately and usually extending from the waist to the ankle
As you may have noticed, as I certainly did, slacks mentions nothing of denim or color. In fact, if we took this definition completely literally, jeans may even be allowed! However, they aren’t.
It’s not so much that I care about the fact that jeans may or may not be allowed according to the Handbook. It’s that the RA used the “fact” that “the rule book says no blue jeans.” No, it doesn’t. I’ve heard RAs misquote the rule book numerous times, and it bothers me that those in authority that are supposed to be enforcing the rules on us don’t even have a proper understanding of the rules they are to be enforcing. This is why I memorize parts of the rule book. Now I just wish someone would call me out when I actually have a good defense like today ...
This morning I had my last class in Old Testament Literature. During finals, we’re allowed to wear jeans to class instead of our usual Class Dress, which is basically anything but jeans. So, this week being finals week, I decided to wear jeans this morning. Sure, finals don’t technically start until tomorrow, but this week is finals week, so that was my defense. And considering 50% of the campus has the same mentality as I on this matter, I wasn’t too concerned about getting demerits for it, and I didn’t. But I did overhear a conversation entailing the demerits of another that made me want to stand up and shout!
I was sitting in my comfy rolly chair when it happened. Two girls were sitting in the row in front of me, one of which was wearing blue jeans, when a tall fellow, who was wearing black jeans, strolled up and sat in the chair on the end of the row.
Black Jeans Guy: Hey, you’re wearing jeans. I should write you up.
Blue Jeans Girl: It’s finals ...
Black Jeans Guy: Finals don’t start until tomorrow.
Blue Jeans Girl: Look around you. Everyone is wearing jeans today.
Random Girl: You’re wearing jeans!
Black Jeans Guy: No, these are black jeans. You’re wearing blue jeans.
Blue Jeans Girl: Your point?
Black Jeans Guy: The rule book says no blue jeans. Black jeans are fine. It’s okay though. You’re my friend, and it’s the last week, so I won’t write you up.
Random Girl: How considerate of you.
This conversation bothered me on so many levels. First of all, Black Jeans Guy was clearly going to let Blue Jeans Girl off the hook merely because they were friends. I was crossing my fingers the entire class, hoping he would turn around and try to give me demerits after class so I could give him the what’s-up. He didn’t.
Friend exceptions bug me, just like any amount of inconsistency bugs me, but the fact that he was actually trying to give demerits to someone else for wearing jeans while he was wearing jeans just made me want to jump into the conversation even more. I refrained.
I wanted to jump up and say, “Oh my goodness, do you not even understand the rules you’re supposed to be enforcing? The rule book says nothing about jeans whatsoever, no matter the color! Dr. Brown made a joke about it last year in chapel, but the rule book is silent on the matter.”
If he had talked to me after class, here’s what I would have said: “I’ll make you a deal. We walk to the SSC right now and get a Student Handbook. If the handbook says anything about jeans, specifically blue jeans, you can right me up for five demerits, if you want.” A dress code violation is only worth two demerits. “However, if black jeans are just as unacceptable as blue jeans, you and I are marching to your RDs office and you’re giving yourself demerits while I get none.”
Just for fun, let’s have a look at the Student Handbook, shall we? Yes, I actually have memorized parts of the Handbook just for moments such as these. It really would have made my day if he had talked to me ...
Men
Dress/sport shirt, sweaters/sweatshirts, slacks, and footwear (no long/short-sleeved T-shirts or shorts)
Women
Skirts, dresses, blouses, sweaters/sweatshirts, slacks, and footwear (no long/short-sleeved T-shirts, shorts, or leggings)
Since their seems to be a bit of confusion, let’s define “slacks” according to Webster.
slacks: trousers especially for casual wear
trouser: pant
pant: an outer garment covering each leg separately and usually extending from the waist to the ankle
As you may have noticed, as I certainly did, slacks mentions nothing of denim or color. In fact, if we took this definition completely literally, jeans may even be allowed! However, they aren’t.
It’s not so much that I care about the fact that jeans may or may not be allowed according to the Handbook. It’s that the RA used the “fact” that “the rule book says no blue jeans.” No, it doesn’t. I’ve heard RAs misquote the rule book numerous times, and it bothers me that those in authority that are supposed to be enforcing the rules on us don’t even have a proper understanding of the rules they are to be enforcing. This is why I memorize parts of the rule book. Now I just wish someone would call me out when I actually have a good defense like today ...