A disturbing trend seems to be on the rise at Cedarville University: Awkward Lounge Couples. I’m not talking about couples that find themselves in a particular lounge with a few friends just hanging out, I’m talking about Awkward Lounge Couples. Some of you may not find this that unusual, but I, because these Couples can really only be found at Cedarville. You know who you are, Couples.

You’re a disturbance to us all. We can’t concentrate with your awkward presence, gazing into each others eyes, making strange (and apparently romantic) cooing sounds at each other, and talking in that weird I-totally-like-you voice. You know, I’m a fan of relationships and couples and marriage, but you’re doing it all wrong. I’m not expert on relationships, but I’m pretty sure if you disturb everyone around you, you’re doing something wrong.¹

See, it’s frustrating when a group of friends come into an area that has more than enough lounge room only to find a couple (that’s two) taking up an entire couch (made for ten) watching a movie or just sitting awkwardly close, cuddling and talking in that weird voice. Sure, there’s one or two other couches we could pull together to hang out, but we don’t want to do that for two reasons: first of all, it would be rude to you. Since there’s ten of us and only two of you, we would probably dominate the noise level in the area and scare you away.² It would make us happy to do so, but it would also leave us feeling a little rude. Second, if we didn’t end up dominating you out of the area, it would be incredibly awkward for us, even if we tried our best to ignore you.³

The problem with Cedarville University isn’t that it doesn’t have enough lounges. On the contrary, the school has more than enough lounges for people to study in/play games in/watch movies in if people would use them appropriately. The problem lies with the Awkward Couples that take up more than half of the lounges.⁴

Since I know this is probably a shocking revelation to you, finding out that the majority of the school can’t stand you, and since I’m also sure you have no idea how to correct this problem, I’ve provided some less-than-appealing (to you, not us. Though, trust me, they’re good for you.) suggestions for you to keep our lounges friendly to all ages.

• Leave room for Jesus. Really, you don’t need to be practically on top of each other. I know, you think that you’re so awkwardly close that no RA would dare confront you on the matter because it would be more awkward for the RA than it would be for you two. But use some discretion here. This isn’t some Biblical principle I’m calling you out on, it just seems like common sense to me. Is it really healthy for you two to be that close? I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with holding hands or even putting your arm (not to be confused with arms, the plural form) around your significant other. But here’s a good rule to abide by: if someone may be caused discomfort by what you’re doing, it’s probably not appropriate for a lounge.⁵
• Stop watching movies. I understand that Cedarville is a small campus in a small town that doesn’t provide a whole lot for entertainment, but there are other sources with which you may waste your time other than movies. For instance, how about actually talking to each other? Perhaps you could play a game. Anything, really, but watching movies all the time. Answer me this: how will you feel someday when your children ask you, “Mom, Dad, what did you two do in college to get to know each other before you got married?” and you’re forced to answer, “Nothing. Really—Nothing. Only the mindless, non-interactive activity of movie watching.”⁶
• Stop staring at each other. Don’t worry. They won’t disappear if you look away. And those blue eyes will always be there.⁷ Nobody’s going to gouge them out of her.⁸ And if someone is, you probably have more important things to be thinking about so, again, stop staring at each other and contact the authorities. Anyway, you’ve decided to not watch movies, which is good, but instead you spend your time staring awkwardly into each other’s eyes. I suppose there is a time and a place for this because some people do have magnificent eyes (take Kylee for example. I stare into her Baby Blues regularly, but I don’t think I weird anybody out by doing it…I mean, everybody loves her eyes), but it’s not in a lounge making everyone around you feel uncomfortable.⁹
• Hang out with other people. Turns out that when you become a couple with someone, the rest of your friends don’t drop off the planet. It’s true. We actually still want to hang out with you guys (so long as you’re not being disgusting and/or awkward). I hate it be the bearer of bad news, but not all relationships work out, especially those premature and immature ones that are basically built on you two sitting on each other. I’m not saying you’re going to break up, but there’s always that possibility. If that happens and you ditched all your friends when you met your Fancy, who do you have to fall back on? Look, even if you’re not going to break up and you’re quite sure you’re going to get married someday, you’re not off the hook; that’s still not healthy. You need friendships even after marriage (I know, it’s hard to believe).¹⁰

Those are just a few free alternatives. If you start spending money, the possibilities become endless, and we couldn’t be happier if you left campus.

All footnotes are courtesy of Jenna M. Woestman, the blogger responsible for most of the content at jennawoestman.com and who is an actual married woman.

1. So true. I concur, and since I’m married this makes me a marriage expert.
2. Which might not be a bad idea.
3. Creepy Couples are real unhealthy, not to mention totally creepy.
4. One time when I visited Cedarville, I saw like ten Lounge Couples in the DMC or whatever that place is called. TEN. That’s uncalled for.
5. I recommend leaving a Bible in between the two of you because it’s at least six inches wide and will pretty much always remind you to leave room for Jesus. My grandparents did this in college, and they actually have a picture of themselves standing outside a building with a Bible in between them. It’s pretty amazing, so you should follow their example.
6. Also, if you actually do wind up getting married, you may discover you don’t like this person much, that they mostly make you want to poke your eye out, because YOU NEVER TALKED TO THEM WHILE YOU WERE DATING.
7. Ew, sick.
8. Unless if Vikings overrun Cedarville, in which case you’re in trouble anyway.
9. I tried staring at Joey deeply into his eyes at our wedding…but since we never did it before then much it was kinda weird and sort of creepy. Plus he kept making slightly odd faces and telling me to “shhh” because I was trying to talk to him while Sister and Brother were singing, even though Pastor Steve had said we could talk if we wanted. (I’m pretty sure this will be a bone of contention until our dying day. He swears Pastor Steve didn’t say that, I say he did.) Anyways, all that to say you don’t have to stare creepily into one another’s eyes in order to get married.
10. Plus, if you ditch out on all your friends who will you have be your bridesmaids and groomsmen? You can’t just hire people for that job, it’s best if they’re friends. And if you have a ton of siblings and were planning on just picking them, that’s a total cop-out. You still do need friends. Trust me.

Tags: Relationships, Cedarville

In recent months, I’ve had droves of attractive ladies ask me, “Alex, how can I become your girlfriend?” Due to my extreme popularity, I haven’t had time to give any of them a proper answer up until now. But now I have the answer. The following is the Girlfriend Potential Test. You must receive an adequate score on this exam in order to be considered Girlfriend Potential. “Adequate” is decided by myself and, of course, my sister, Jenna, who has protective custody over my relationship status. This exam has been adapted from several tests I’ve seen scattered around the internet, but it is mostly the creation of myself and Jenna.

Overview and Instructions
The following exam will be administered to all females that are interested in the pursuit of a relationship with one Alex Laird of Cedarville University in Ohio. Only those exams completed by a female in under the alloted fifty-minute time limit will be reviewed. You will be graded on grammar, spelling, creativity, the ability to construct a proper sentence, and lastly your overall appearance. Please submit all answers via email in a text document as an attachment to both alexdlaird@gmail.com and jenna.woestman@gmail.com. Be sure to mark the email as Urgent and put “'Student’s Name' - Girlfriend Potential Test” in the subject line, replacing 'Student’s Name' with your actual name. Include a decent, personal photograph with a minimum resolution of 800x600. Please ensure that your name, number, state of residence, and most recent IQ score are displayed prominently in the upper right-hand corner of the paper. When submitting the completed exam, each question should be copied and pasted with your answer promptly following it.

Please keep in mind that this is not a job application. However, your performance on this exam will very accurately portray your cleverness and most likely your ability to succeed when put in a real work environment. I reserve the right to submit your exam results to any future employer as either a recommendation of your abilities or in jest to show them what you aren’t capable of.

You have fifty minutes to complete this test. Your time starts now.

Section One: Multiple Choice (Answer All, 30 Points)
1.) Finish this lyric. “Apple bottom jeans ...”
A.) With the fur. The whole club was looking at her.
B.) Make me look, like, real hot.
C.) OMG I love that song!
D.) Heaven preserve us ... I’m not finishing that lyric. Do you realize Flo Rida’s name is just Florida with a space dropped in randomly?

2.) I’m going to college:
A.) To get my M-R-S degree.
B.) So I can get a good education and make a difference in the world someday.
C.) Because my parents are paying for it, so why not? I don’t actually plan on applying myself at all.
D.) Because I figured it was better than working at McDonald’s.
E.) ... Wait. I’m not going to college, actually.

3.) We’ve talked every night for several hours (not including the Dinner and a movie we had on Saturday, or the Monday night that I came over and we baked cookies), with conversation time averaging about an hour per night. On a Thursday night, when on a deadline, I express a need to get off the phone so I can finish some work and get to bed at a reasonable hour. You:
A.) Take this as a sign that I’m abandoning you, begin to point out all my flaws and that I clearly have commitment issues, and then cry.
B.) Say goodbye, but manage to do it with such menace and venom that I stay on the phone for another three silent hours, broken only occasionally by fits of gentle weeping and muttered curses.
C.) Say goodbye, but then immediately embark on another conversation entirely, discussing it as thoroughly as is scientifically, legally, or religiously possible so I can’t get a word in edge-wise.
D.) Express your feelings of devotion in three words or less, then quickly say goodbye after confirming plans for tomorrow night are still on.

4.) We’re having a fight. You:
A.) Use my past stupidities against me, even though they are completely irrelevant, I’ve apologized for them, and you said you had forgiven me several months prior.
B.) Give me space when the discussion gets too heated for rational thought, and redress your complaints in a calm manner when we’ve both had a chance to cool down.
C.) Flip me The Bird.
D.) Realize the fight is about nothing, so you begin creating fictional problems and making wild accusations about my obsession with material goods and having a wandering eye.
E.) Both c and d.

5.) I’m going out on a Friday night to hang with a bunch of my buddies. You:
A.) Immediately assume there will be female buddies there as well, that I’m in love with one of them, and become irrationally jealous. You never verbalize this too me, so I’m only lost as you stomp around my apartment and give me the cold shoulder.
B.) See this as a great opportunity to get some things done without me around.
C.) See this as a sign that you are probably just a casual thing that I could toss aside at any given moment, despite the fact that we’ve hung out the last seven evenings and I’ve still somehow managed to write you letters every other day this week.
D.) Ask if you can come along.
E.) Invite yourself and a bunch of your girlfriends along without asking my permission.
F.) Have a girls night. Hanging out with boys all the time isn’t good for anyone.
G.) Both b and f.

6.) In order to attract a male, you would:
A.) Act like a complete ditz. Guys love ditzy girls!
B.) Act superior and arrogant. Guys love it when they’re inferior to a woman.
C.) Act like yourself. Guys love it when a girl is genuine and they don’t have to figure out who she really is after they’ve already fallen for whatever show she put on when they first met.
D.) Wear the least amount of fabric as is legally possible. Guys love seductive girls.

7.) You would date a guy because:
A.) He was extremely attractive. (Hint: This is the wrong answer. God made girls to be attractive, not guys.)
B.) He’s smart!
C.) He’ll probably be rich someday, or he is rich currently.
D.) He was manipulative and somehow managed to convince you that you were in love with him ... So I guess you’re supposed to date?
E.) You had compatible personalities, were able to resolve misunderstandings without the obligatory fist fights, and you found yourself quite smitten with who he was.

8.) You buy clothes based on:
A.) Seventeen Magazine’s top picks.
B.) What’s cute and comfortable and doesn’t look like the sewing machine ran out of thread when it reached your midriff.
C.) Whatever’s newest at Abercrombie.
D.) Nothing. My mom makes them for me.

9.) You’re going clothes shopping, and the only option you have is to take me with you. You:
A.) Ignore the fact that I’m completely and hopelessly bored out of my mind, asking me repeatedly with every outfit you try on, “Does this make me look fat?”
B.) Come up with a creative game plan to help me enjoy shopping with you, keeping in mind that my retail-oriented attention span is about twelve minutes and that I am prone to wandering after flashing lights and shiny things.
C.) Attempt to keep the shopping experience as short as possible, getting only what you absolutely need and trying things on only the minimum number of times (in my opinion, not yours).
D.) Both b and c.
E.) Spontaneously add stores to the list every time we’re about to approach the “almost done” mark. These stores were not discussed prior to leaving the apartment.

10.) Assuming things without asking me to confirm them, and/or making wild and negative accusations off of single statements I make (probably sarcastic statements, at that), and/or putting words in my mouth, and/or twisting words I have previously said to make them sound derogatory:
A.) Are all necessary to a healthy relationship and help spur constructive criticism and beneficial arguments.
B.) Are expected and rational things to do, especially when you feel cornered or as if you may be losing an argument.
C.) May be good or bad, depending on your current mood, how your week has been going, and whether I asked you about your current mood and how your week has been going.
D.) Are all completely inappropriate and should never be done under any circumstances. Rational thought is required in every conversation, whether an argument or just casual.


Section Two: True or False (Answer All, 30 Points)
Answer true or false for the following fifteen questions. If you answer false, correct the statement to make it true.

1.) Wearing a skirt overtop a pair of pants is an attractive and fashionable choice.
2.) Learning to interpret body language and communication cues is important.
3.) Arguments are vital to any good relationship.
4.) Discussions are vital to any good relationship.
5.) Arguments and discussions are the same thing.
6.) Your cat is very intuitive--probably as intuitive, if not more so, than myself.
7.) Demetri Martin is the best comedian of all time.
8.) A proper relationship requires effort from both sides.
9.) Rationale and reason are the same thing.
10.) You don’t actually need that dress, cute hat, or additional pair of shoes.
11.) Any argument can always be resolved with the proper amount of yelling if the words are vulgar or incoherent.
12.) Properly constructed sentences are important when attempting to persuade someone in a discussion.
13.) Bono is probably the most important political figure of our generation.
14.) Throwing furniture is a legitimate alternative to constructive conversation.
15.) Your conversation with me, in person, is more important than any and all of the texting conversations within your mobile device.


Section Three: Essay (Answer One, 40 Points)
Select one of the following questions and answer it as thoroughly as time will allow. Please try to be as descriptive and complete as possible, including at least two persuading arguments to support your case. Arguments should be backed up with cited evidence, not anecdotal perspective.

1.) If I were a crime-fighting vigilante by night, what efforts would you make to support my case about the rising threat of evil in this city?
2.) Give evidence, citing sources and giving references whenever possible, that you are a laid back person with a good sense of humor, including the ability to appreciate sarcasm.
3.) What is the likelihood that, if called upon to serve your country, you would be able to broker world peace using your charm and good looks alone?

Tags: Relationships, Girls

I walked into the house today, arriving home from school and work. As I entered the kitchen a piece of paper on the table caught my attention. I started to walk away, but then I got curious and turned back to look at it. At the top it said, "Ever Aftering, by Ashley Nicole". It seemed to be a poem, and as I started reading it, it started to sound very familiar. I finally realized it was a poem that I Ashley Nicole had written before she married Stephen, and I HAD, in fact, read it before. I called her immedietly and said, "Sister, can I put this on your and my Facebook?! It's amAZING! Everybody should read this!!" She gave me permission, and so here I am, posting it! I hope you enjoy it and take it to heart as much as I did. It's an amazing poem, and I'm really proud of Ashley for not only writing an amazing poem that can rhyme and sound good, but also a poem I totally agree with and has a fabulous message. You're awesome, sister :)!!

I read this poem and thought not of the way all the girls I know could be encouraged by this poem, but also how all the guys I know should take a hint from this poem and treat the girls you know like the princess that they are. Because what if God's plan for us is to marry one particular girl, but we're insistent on pursuing another? Then we may have hurt our relationship with our future spouse, and we may also have messed up hers because of our selfishness. So, I guess another reason I like this poem so much is because it portrays the guy and the girl as a prince and a princess, which is a good way to think about it. A princess is special, and should be treated with the utmost care and respect. So would you make fun of a real princess? Or hurt her feelings with an uncaring or sarcastic remark that "isn't that big of a deal" (in your head)? Or are you going to get the door for her? I'm not saying look at every girl and say, "Is she the one, God?" (Or vice-versa for you girls.) What I'm suggesting is that you should treat every girl (or guy) with the most respect because he/she is a creation of God, and God loves her just as much as he loves you and me. Secondly, he/she will most likely end up marrying someone someday, and if it's not you, maybe you shouldn't act like it will be.

I talked with Ivan about this for quite a while, and he and I came to the conclusion that instead of looking at every person and saying, "Is she the one?" to God, just STOP looking and wait until God plops her in your lap, if that's his plan for you. It's better that way, anyway.

Ever Aftering
Ashley Nicole

Once upon a time, I've heard them say,
In a land that's not so far away,

A king with his daughter ruled in that place
With justice and kindness and mercy and grace,

The Princess herself was no beauty divine,
And her talents weren't especially fine.

But because her father was King of the land,
Every young noble desired her hand.

The Princess, however, was old fashioned it seemed.
She sat in her tower up high and she dreamed

Of The One, her Prince Charming, and who he might be,
She could hardly contain her excitement to see.

In seeking The One, she knew the King to be wise,
And so she approached him, looked into his eyes,

And said, "I want you to choose, out of all these men,
The Who, and the Why, and the Where, and the When."

Father I trust you, you know what is best,
And so I beseech you, get rid of the rest!"

The King agreed with much satisfaction
And he set about in taking some action.

But the King took his time as he searched high and low.
The Princess grew restless, began getting to know

A young Prince in the land who had caught her attention
With his charm and good looks, but he'd failed to mention

Whether he was as loyal as some to the King.
To him this didn't seem a very big thing.

The Princess herself had lost sight of her plans
To leave her decision in her Father's skilled hands.

Her hopes were quite high, her plans were in place,
When the Prince disappeared without any trace.

The Princess, desparing, went in to her Dad,
Her heart all in pieces, her countenance sad.

Her Father embraced her and patiently said,
"If you'll just wait on me, I will bring him instead."

The Princess resolved once again to remain,
And wait with her Father until The One came.

Through the course of her days with her Father the King,
The young suitors came, their offers to bring.

Most were passed over and sent right away,
Until only one was permitted to stay.

She got to know him, and they had lots of fun
The Princess was certain that this was The One.

But the King had an ultimate plan of his own,
The wisdom of which was yet to be shown.

So the Prince packed his bags and left her a note.
The Princess was saddened to read what he wrote.

Oh, how she was crushed, her heart disillusioned.
She came to the King once again in confusion.

"My Father, please tell me, just why this is so,
That he'd love me and leave me--or did you not know?"

"Oh, but my child, you don't understand.
His coming and going were part of my plan."

The Princess was humbled and left the King's sight,
To think and to wonder if he could be right.

She still was quite certain that never again
Could she offer her heart to another young man.

But it wasn't long before in through the door,
Up the wide staircase and across the wood floor,

There came a young Prince from far and away,
And the King, in his wisdom, asked him to stay.

He summoned his daughter and then introduced them.
The Princess watched from afar and admired him.

The two became friends, and it wasn't long after,
As the Princess and Prince were engaged with their laughter,

The King took her aside, whispered into her ear,
"I know this young Prince; you have nothing to fear.

I've chosen him out of the dozens who've come
To test and to see if he could be The One."

"But Father," the Princess said with a sigh,
"If he isn't then one, then why even try?"

"Because you won't know unless you obey.
Learn to trust and to listen to the things that I say.

Know that I only desire what is best,
Leave it to me; I'll take care of the rest."

The Princess nodded and pondered awhile,
Then she looked up, and she said with a smile,

"I trust you, my Father; I'll do what you say.
I'll move forward with this; I won't run away."

And so the fair Princess, free of fear and regret,
Smiled as she thought of the Prince she had met.

The King hadn't promised her it would be easy.
He'd said, "Follow me, tarry close and you'll see

That I only want what is best for my child,
So trust me, my Princess." As he said it, he smiled.

So the Princess, her heart now light and carefree,
Felt joy at the promise of what was to be.

Neither she nor the Prince would be able to tell
If things would be perfect and all turn out well

But they knew they could trust in the heart of their King,
The Sovereign Creator of Every Aftering.

Tags: Family, Relationships